My "horrorscope"

"Family, friends and career all demand your attention. Seek that rare thing: balance."

Really? You think? Wow, the power with which the stars predict the future is truly amazing.

FAMILY:
Leif went home from daycare yesterday. He was a major pill. He woke up that way, was that way all morning and it didn't stop at daycare. I had my teleconference (which went swimmingly) got back to my office, wrapped up a few things - except for my client presentation I had plans to work on at home. Then I went and got Leif and went home for the afternoon. I got Leif down for a nap and was convinced he would have one of his 2-3 hour sleeps... silly me. I needed about 1.5 hours to finish up a presentation for my client's boss to present to some of their clients. No problem right? Ha!

Leif slept for an hour. Then he was up and fussy as ever. I alternated him in the jumper, crawling on the floor and I even allowed him to play in the dog's water bowl for a few minutes because he was entertained... and I could type. I finished off the presentation and rushed it off to my project manager here to run over before sending it to the client. Whew... at 2:30, I could finally focus my attention on fussy boy.

We watched Baby Einstein, talked to grandma, nursed, watched Baby Einstein. Nothing made him happy. Then at 3:30pm, the switch went off. Fussy boy returned to happy boy in a matter of mere minutes.

This was especially exciting because now he wanted to play by himself on the floor and I turned on Dr. Phil. Omarosa from the Apprentice was on. She is really a work of art... enough said.

Hans got home with awful news. The job he had been offered, had a start date for, and was waiting for the monetary compensation information before giving notice? Evaporated. Poof. Gone. He was livid. All of a sudden I guess the guy didn't have the money.

I just don't get the job situation here. It makes no sense. I could ramble on and on about the state of things. But that won't do any good. It is a Ph.D. market here, if you don't have a Ph.D., then it is best to only have a high school diploma and be starting out. Anything more than a diploma and less than a Ph.D. and you are screwed.

I suggested last night that we take a break and go into Seattle or Portland for a weekend. Hans suggested we move there.

FRIENDS:
I adore my friends for the most part. I don't have a lot of really close friends here at work, but enough. One of my friends who is relatively new to the lab has e-mailed and asked me to have lunch with her today for Cinco De Mayo, she wants to go have Mexican. My first thought is "no, I want to go hang out with Leif at lunch". But then I feel bad. She doesn't ask me to lunch often, she is single, moved here by herself and really strives to get out and do things. But so many people in my group are of "families" and Laura kind of gets lost in all that. So I am having lunch with Laura today. How awful of me - I am having lunch with her not because I want to go out to lunch, or that I even want company for lunch. I am having lunch with her because I feel guilty and selfish in saying no.

CAREER:
Today is my "spring cleaning day". I even dressed the part. Jeans, t-shirt and sandals. 4 hours this afternoon to clean and organize my office and "lab". In my case the only part of a lab I am willing to clean is my hood that I have my supercritical fluids setup in for my shiny happy project. The other project, screw them. I am not using a minute of my time to clean that fricking pit of a lab. Organization makes me happy, this will be good.

Of course it is Thursday, my despised project coworkers are in San Antonio, hopefully having a repeat of last time where everytime they left their hotel they were promptly crapped upon by large flocks of birds. (It still makes me giggle... karma is going to bite me in the ass.) So I had every intention of getting into the lab while they were gone and working. Umm yeah. I will Friday??

So back to my horrorscope:
"Family, friends and career all demand your attention. Seek that rare thing: balance."

I am seeking today (everyday)... but will I find it?

We have a new winner!

Lasagna! (Thanks for the tip Vanessa!) Leif LOVED lasagna last night. We buy the premade lasagnas from Costco for those nights we don't feel like cooking. They are actually quite good, for frozen ready to heat meals. Leif thought he hit the motherload. He was shoveling it in, eating out of the spoon from me and feeding himself. He even declined (in his ever so polite way) applesauce in favor of lasagna. I was somewhat worried about the meat and cheese and cut him off earlier than he would have liked. It is evidently, good eats.

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I checked my work benefits and was thrilled to see that my vacation accrual is now 2.31 hours a week, quick multiplication and sure enough, 3 weeks a year! I thought for sure I was going to have to call the benefits office and go through the whole "I was hired on April 29th, 2002, not July 31st, 2002" routine I have had to do a few times over at this point. I know, it is a few months, but it matters to me.

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So I am taking a running class here at the lab. For $60 I was supposed to get 4 weeks (total of 8 personal training sessions) with a trainer. The goal is to take someone who doesn't run and have them running for 30 minutes by the end of the session. Also with some strength training and nutrition and wellness sprinkled in there and at the end of the session a 60 minute sports massage if you attended all the sessions.

I knew when I signed up, I was dummying down a little. But being that I have not run regularly for about a year now, I thought I could use the "ease in" and was hoping that the "motivation factor" would kick in. I wasn't thrilled about the strength training, wellness info, nutrition info and such - I am familiar with all that and to be honest, part of the reason I work out is so I can eat all those yummy things that aren't so good for me. So someone will have to die trying to take away my butter, whipping cream and wine.

I don't even know where to start. The trainer sucks. Last week she had us running for 30 seconds after walking for 5 minutes - or about there. She was extremely inconsistent. Well and what the hell does 30 seconds of running do for you? Not only that, but the trainer's idea of running slowly was vastly different then mine. I am a slow runner, I admit it and embrace it. But she was leaving me in the dust. And the two other participants are MUCH less versed in running (really nice women, but overweight and uncoordinated - and no, I am not at my ideal weight either) and were trying to keep up with her! Ridiculous! When she had us test our heart rates she was surprised when the two other girls were in the 160's and said, "oh next time you need to not work so hard".

So here we are this week. We go out and you would think we might increase the running from 30 seconds... nope. We walked the entire time. I would have gotten more out of going home with Leif and walking with Hans and Winny. To top it off, the trainer was talking about having run the Bloomsday race in Spokane and how much fun it was. I commented that I have heard it is similar to Bay to Breakers. She actually asked me "where's that?" San Fran. She said, "I haven't heard of it." Ummm, it's the largest footrace in the US, maybe the world!" I couldn't believe she hadn't heard of it and I am suddenly extremely skeptical of her qualifications.

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Hans will be finished with classes this week! One more semester down. Now if he can just get enrolled in the program he wants and get this new job squared away things will be good. I am looking forward to having a weekend with my little family.

Get out of town

I seem to have a real "get out of town" desire going. When we lived in Reno, this would hit about every 4 weeks. And the nice thing about Reno, that many people don't realize, is that there are some really fantastic places to go within 1-6 hours drive. Early on, we went to San Francisco (4 hrs) about every 2-3 months. Later it became about every 6 months. We went to Napa and Sonoma Valleys (3 hrs) regularly, Amador county (2 hrs) for zinfandel tastings (zin is red). We hit the Black Rock Dessert (2 hrs), Lake Tahoe (1 hr), Yosemite National Park (6 hrs), Monterey (6 hrs), Lassen (4 hrs) and Mammoth (4 hrs). There was always a new place to explore, good food to eat, a cultural event to see, and if you weren't up for driving, then an evening in downtown Reno was like visiting a new place entirely.

I loved the Shakespeare festival at Lake Tahoe - except for the fact that our home phone number was the *exact* same number as the box office, except you had to dial 1-800 for the tickets. This little detail evaded a huge number of people everyday. It shocked and amazed me how few people understood the concept of a 1-800 number. If you can't understand a 1-800 number, will you be able to understand Shakespeare? Doubt it... just give it up now.

Some of the conversations went as such, "yes I know you are local, you still have to call 1-800". And people would ARGUE about this. "1-800 is NOT an area code" and "Ok, well umm, do you want to offer an explanation why you keep calling my house instead of the festival box office?" We even had people leave their credit card numbers, expiration dates and full names on our answering machine even though our message clearly stated "This is Hans and April's house, it is NOT the Lake Tahoe box office for the Shakespeare Festival. Please dial 1-800 first to get them and please do not place orders for tickets here as you will NOT get your tickets and we are tired of our answering machine tape filling up every night, your credit card will instead be used online to buy whatever I feel like buying". No, we never did that, but people STILL left their card numbers. I often wondered what they did when their tickets didn't show up.

Even two years after we moved - people tracked us down looking for tickets since we changed our phone number and left a new one. Maybe this year will be the first year ever we won't actually get calls for tickets. Last year we got one or two and I am convinced there is just someone out there screwing with us...

So anyways, here I sit, making myself homesick for Reno, or more appropriately homesick for all the places to go nearby Reno.

There are probably places like that here. Seattle is about the same distance from here as San Fran was to Reno. It just seems to take a whole lot more effort to go to Seattle for some reason. Maybe it is because I don't just crash on friends floors anymore - turning 30 kind of killed that desire for me - give me a hotel with a nice bed and shower that isn't used daily by 3 men and never cleaned (sorry Hans' friends! Loved it at the time though!). Or maybe that I now have expectations of places I want to eat or things I want to do as opposed to being forced to eat at only "hole in the wall" (but yet amazingly, quite fantastic) places. All in an effort to preserve most of our $20 per person weekend budget after gas for such 20-something escapades as going dancing at the newest hot spot.

Spokane is acceptable, at least in terms of having a little more shopping than here and more (or maybe it is just "new") food choices. We have yet to get to Portland. And trips to wine country? Well we are here. A trip to a winery is often quicker and easier than going to the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine. Local culture... there's an oxymoron for you. I have heard they are fun - but I find nothing appealing about watching boats fly up and down the Columbia in 100+ degree weather at the boat races.

I always said I could live anywhere as long as I was with Hans, he is my home. And this is very true, I "could" live anywhere, but that doesn't mean I would like it. This area is about as small and as "hickish" as I am willing to go and sometimes I think we have past that point. I always told myself I can buy online what I can't find in the stores. And yes, for the most part I can. But there is no replacement for wandering through the Nordstroms shoe department in a quest for a particular shoe you have never seen, but have only imagined in your head... or browsing some funky second hand store in the Mission district of San Francisco.

I love my home, which is probably why my urge to get out of town hits only about every 4-6 months now. There is always plenty of stuff to do around the house, not only that I want to do, but that needs to be done. It is nearing time to shelf the "need to do this weekend" list in favor of a shopping trip to Seattle. I need my Ikea, Sur la Table, Pikes Market, Banana Republic, Nordstroms fix. I am SURE we can find nice restaurants where taking a squealing infant wouldn't be frowned upon... And Leif really does NEED to see the aquarium in the next few weeks.

Coo Coo Cachoo

One of the things I love about Hans and Leif, and Hans as a father is listening to him sing to Leif. Unlike me - I was often questioned by my father, "what did you do with the money?" I would ask, "What money?" He would reply, "the money I gave you for singing lessons?" Burn... - ok, so I digressed, unlike me, with no singing talent whatsoever, Hans actually took choir and sings quite well.

Hans is enjoying memorizing songs and singing them to Leif. Some of the popular ones as of late are "Stars" from the Les Miserables soundtrack, "Dreams" by Barenaked Ladies, "St Judy's Comet" by Paul Simon (per my request) and any "Schoolhouse Rock" song (because you never know what they might pick up and the song about the "bill on capitol hill" helped Hans pass 9th grade Civics). I know my triangle man is waiting (impatiently) to be able to sing any They Might Be Giants song to Leif...

So given all this, I found the following words coming from my bathroom tonight as I cleaned the kitchen mess, just a crack up.

Hans: "Rubber ducky, you're the one, you make bathtime lots of fun, rubber ducky I am overly fond of you... coo coo cachoo." (Repeat)

Me giggling, quietly in the kitchen. Now as any Ernie fans knows - and I know because I was *the biggest* Ernie fan - Ernie would never say "overly" it's "awfully". But that wasn't what got me giggling, it was the "coo coo cachoo". Now that really does go quite well, the beat is right, it flows into the next line, lol.

Ok, so maybe the memorization of the entire "Rubber Ducky" song is mommy's talent, and not daddy's. But it made me giggle tonight.

Now it is killing me... what is "coo coo cachoo" from?

April 29th, what a day!

Two things make today a momentous day. One is that Leif is 9 months. 3/4 of a year. This was discussed in yesterdays blog. The other is that 3 years ago today I drove to this lab, filled out a bunch of paperwork, sat at a computer and read all the rules and regulations for working here, sat and waited for my mentor to pick me up, sat and waited for my mentor to pick me up, sat and waited for my mentor to pick me up...

(I should have known then what was in store for me.)

He finally did show up, an hour and a half late, took me to lunch at "Dog" (the *best* Chinese food in the area - name changed to protect the so called innocent from the health department). Then drove me out to our building and sat me at a computer. Where I sat until I wisened up, oh about 7 months later and realized that "post-doc" does not or should not equate to "administrative assistant" or "technician".

In the larger and more important scheme of things, today starts my new life of earning 3 weeks of vacation a year.

I also find it incredibly ironic that 3 years after I started here and being assured that my husband would have absolutely no problem finding a good job in the area, that Hans has been offered yet another job in his quest for something that is a decent fit, reasonable hours and reasonable pay. I guess the good news is that he has consistently found better jobs each time he has set out. So let's hope this job is better than SCBID. (Which was better than throwing salmon around... which was better than unemployment...)

I am tired today. I shouldn't be because we had a fantastic night. Before I jinx myself, fantastic would be like just say IF Leif fell asleep at 8:30pm and IF he didn't wake up fussing in the night searching for a binky, and IF he only woke up once for food at 3am and IF he slept until 6am when he nursed again and slept then until 7:30am. These are all IF's you realize. All these "IFs" would equate "fantastic night".;)

We have a busy weekend ahead of us. Tonight we need to pick up the house some. We will probably order take out in an attempt to avoid a repeat of last Friday night out to eat. I also need to finish up getting garage sale items ready. I did the easy stuff last night, price stickers on clean, items. Tonight I have to find the rest of the stuff, hidden away in boxes somewhere, clean it up, and label it. Tomorrow morning we have swimming lessons with Vanessa and Cate. Brunch afterwards where Hans is anxious to make swedies (Swedish pancakes - his specialty). I have a recheck appointment for my contacts tomorrow afternoon and then we will haul stuff to Kent and Vanessa's house for the garage sale on Sunday morning.

Of course I have found other things to spend $$ on. Some I have already spent $$ on and just need to make sure I make enough $$ to pay for them now! One being my third diaper bag. I have been not so secretly coveting the Petunia Pickle Bottom diaper bag since my first trimester ended and I felt confident in getting excited about a baby and buying "stuff" for my baby. I saw it in Steamboat over New Years 2003-2004. I was *almost* turned off of it when the saleslady told me that Kate Hudson had registered for one. However, the shiny pretty material clouded my brain and I immediatly went home and searched for the best price I could find. At $155, Hans (my ever practical husband who insisted on Polk speakers for his surround sound system) responded "you have got to be kidding me" followed quickly by a "I won't carry that thing". I settled for a $25 Graco cutesy print diaper bag I found at Target... telling myself "it isn't *that* bad". *Sigh*

Well yes, it was *that* bad. Too small, no organization, and just ick. It quickly became stashed in the back of the closet and I set out on a search for something new. After some online advice I ended up with the black Lands End diaper bag ($40). Very functional, large, very nice, lots of pockets and gasp... organization! But alas, it's a backpack. It is a black, boring, yes very functional, backpack. I need something frilly and shiny. Something that says "I am a girly girl, even though I have a little boy and the ultimate boy scout husband". All of this was prompted by a diaper bag discussion on Delphi, of course. To which I stated that I wished there was a PPB knock off. Well lo and behold... the Kecci! At 1/3 the price of the PPB diaper bag ($58), I could almost justify it. But hey! Next weekend is Mother's Day! What better occasion? So into my online shopping bag it went (steel blue brocade in case you are wondering).

Let's add it all up... $25 Graco, $40 Lands End, $58 Kecci for a grand total of $123. You know... I should have just bought the PPB from the start...

So the list... I must earn enough money from this garage sale to pay for my Kecci, a nice pair of close toed flat shoes for the summer, the Cuisinart Grind and Brew with carraffe and 3 shirts from Lands End and one skort from JJill. And no, I don't remember saying ANYTHING about the purpose of having a garage sale was to get a jump start on debt in case my husband ended up without a job and living life as a SAHD/student in a few months. Boy is it good he got a new job...

The latest Leif antics at 9 months

Leif is such a happy baby, we are so blessed. He is now 9 months old as of tomorrow. Some of the things he does lately just kill me. I can't believe how fast the 9 months has flown by. Just yesterday we were bringing him home from the hospital and he was a fragile little 7 lb 9 oz'er. Now he is 21 lbs about and as rough and tumble as a 9 month old can be.

He has knees made of steel from all his crawling. We have to be careful not to leave the door open when going in and out because he will crawl right out onto the sidewalk - ouch! And he is fast! He books it, wherever he is going, but especially when he is striding towards the dog bowls and hears mom yelling from behind "LEIF NO!!" Then he puts it into high gear and moves extra fast... to the dog bowls.

I am "mama", said usually when he is tired, hungry or whiney. Hans is "he-da". ?!?! Said usually when he is smiling and having fun. Winny so far seems to be "ooooh" said with awe and wide eyes as she saunters by, attempting to stay well out of his reach. We frequently see Winny scrambling away with fear in her eyes and Leif left sitting with a big handful of black hair and a grin on his face.Success!!

Leif is getting a little more into food, but it is still hit or miss. He has two favorites that he will eat pretty much no matter what, flour tortilla strips and applesauce. Everything else he could leave. And he is very opinionated when you give him something he doesn't like. Rapid shaking of his head in a "no" manner results with his lips pursed together. He thinks it is really funny when we shake our heads "no" imitating him. We can sometimes get one or two more bites of icky stuff into his mouth by using this trick and invoking a smile.

Spaghetti is the funniest thing to eat, it evokes giggles every time. American cheese and string cheese is kind of fun too. Leif seems to like carrots and peas also, but *hates* sweet potatoes (smart boy) and green beans. I send those to daycare for them to feed to him. ;-)

He likes daycare for the most part. When we get there in the mornings he goes and immediatly starts playing. Lunches when I go visit are hit or miss. He might sit and nurse the entire time I am there, he might want to play with me the entire time, or he might just give me the complete cold shoulder because he is playing with the other kids. Then when I leave he is sometimes alright with it, and somedays there is a meltdown.

His favorite toys appear to be anything that isn't really a toy. The empty Tang jug, the empty grapefruit juice bottle, tupperware, a wooden spoon and ANYTHING that makes noise when hit with the wooden spoon. He prefers all these things to his toys. But given nothing else, he will resort to playing with his toys. Favorites are his stacker from grandma Carbaugh that he has mastered and shows off this mastery at daycare regularly. He also loves his little push car from cousin Celeste, his Elmo cell phone from grandma Charlene - appropriate ;-) and his PB Kids finger dinosaur puppets.

Leif loves balls at daycare. Balls of all sizes. At home we don't have many balls because Winny ALSO really likes balls. Dog slobber and baby slobber on the balls doesn't mix according to mama. The other day Leif was taking a long stick thing and trying to hit the ball with it. I am sure he is striving to take after grandpa Rick and play golf... it will still be a little while before we let him play with his golf club from grandpa... mommy would like to keep her head attached.

Leif likes to pull up, but isn't real eager about it. Maybe we just don't have many things that are the right height for him to pull up with. He loves the laundry baskets and stands up in those given 15 seconds to try. He seems more interested with trying to stand by himself. Crawling position to straightening out his legs and trying to bring his hands closer to his feet - then tumbling over on his side. But that never hurts and he will try again almost immediatly.

Who knew I could fall head over heels so much for a little boy. He is abolutely perfect and I can't imagine life without him. I love you Leif!

Wednesday - hell day

*Almost* made it through Wednesday... just a little more to go. What was I thinking signing up for a running class? It is blowing like 50 mph out there, dust and gross stuff flying. I don't want to go dodge tumbleweeds, like at all. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

We are having a garage sale this weekend with our good friends. I am excited to not only purge, but to also reclaim my formal dining room (aka sewing room) from the useless items that have been stacked there awaiting their new owners. Oh and the money will be REALLY nice... mama needs new pair of shoes! No, seriously, I do. Hans would, of course, maintain that there is a difference between "need" and "want"... to which I would maintain that I NEED a pair of close toed flats to wear during the summer when I don't want to look like a hippy chick in my 5th, yes 5th, pair of Birkenstocks since high school. There... "need" has been defined.

Oh yeah, I also NEED the Cuisinart Grind and Brew with stainless steel caraffe. Hans is much more on board with this one, until he finds out the price. Thank goodness for those 20% off one item Bed Bath and Beyond coupons.

Teleconference was today. It went well. I bailed on my horrible project meeting that I am sure was most likely cancelled, or so I tell myself, in order to stay at the entire thing. I had to, my telecon presentation was 37 pages long. Gack. About midway through I could hear the monotone setting in and felt my own eyes glaze over. I lost my place, it all didn't make sense anymore, what was I even talking about and why would I do the analysis this way, what was I thinking?

Stop, deep breath, pause. Look at the presentation again, crack a joke about how I was glazing over myself and so I am sure I was doing the same to everyone else, and get back to it, subject them to more before they have time to think... Last week our results showed 100% perfection. This week, 80% or so, which is more in line with what is expected. So you can imagine that the client wasn't thrilled that I hadn't pulled off a miracle with another 100% run. I did have to pause and remind them that this is still better than we have seen in the more distant past and this was ONE run. See what happens here... I start showing indications of my perfection and they expect perfection every time. ;)

So yesterday was a weird day. I was sitting in my office, writing an e-mail, working on my telecon when the lab director walks in, introduces himself and shakes my hand! I was with it enough to jump up, shake his hand and say "Hello Dr. "Smith", my name is April... " Ok, this is like Bill Gates walking into a measly little programmers office at Microsoft. We talked about my research, what I was working on, my son's pictures hanging on the wall and details of him, where I went to school, how long I have been at the lab... We had a nice discussion, then he moved on! I could hardly breathe after that! I called Hans, but I am not sure he "got" the whole magnitude of the experience.

Then I was paranoid to leave for my eye doctor's appointment out of fear he would a) come back to tell me I was employee of the month (ha ha) or b) he would see me duck out early and remember my name. LOL. So I was late to my eye doctor's appointment. No biggee... they were late to get to me once I did get there.

Which brings me to the next topic in my rambling long ass post. I got contacts. I may have annoyed the crap out of the technician yesterday trying to teach me how to put them in my eyes. But I now am a contact lens wearer instead of glasses. I have always adored cute glasses and have viewed them not so much as an instrument to overcome an impairment as much as a fashion accessory. So passing over those cute Dolce & Gabbana frames was VERY difficult and it was that point where I came *this* close to wavering and sticking with glasses. Then I thought of Leif... and how heartbroken I would be if he broke the cutest D&G glasses shortly after buying them... and then I would be stuck with having to replace them completely out of pocket since insurance would not. Which would mean some no name, thick, fugly plastic frame... Oh yes... contacts it is.

Only took me 15 minutes to get them in this morning. :D (Says the girl who can't even put eyedrops in her own eyes.)

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Winny can rejoice! My running class for tonight was cancelled.

Appears that my brainiac of a trainer locked her keys in her car and can't make it out here on time.
(Nooo, I have never done this myself...)

Georgette and Frederick

I had the wackiest dream the other night. Just cracks me up.

So we have very temperamental electronics in the lab. They are *always* messing up and crashing. (Funny how you can put together electronics that don't work and get promoted to a 3... )

I dreamt that Justin told Cari and I that the electronics work a whole lot better if you talk to them like they are people. And to emphasize this he named each box. The box attached to my system was named "Georgette" and "Frederick". And Justin was quite insistant that we call the electronics by their formal names now.

Monday already? And why the service industry in the area sucks.

So we decided to do our typical Friday evening out to eat dinner. Headed to Rattlesnake Brewing Company only to discover that we are *the* only ones there. Ok, well duh, the place is closed for remodel. What now? It only took us 3 hours to decide on RBC. We head to TS Cattle Co as we were feeling carnivorous. Get there, get seated and the waitress starts ooh'ing and aah'ing over Leif. Nothing new there.

Then it comes "oh I am pregnant and due in November... my boyfriend... so now I am going to be a single mom..." Service was crap, unusual for this place. Sooo slow. Everyone around us was done before we even had our meals. Leif was fussy and not dealing with nobody around us wanting to be entertained by a 9 month old. He really does thrive on attention. So he was doing the full on body flail, not wanting to eat, general fussiness. Ugh. So a 2 hour dinner was *not* what we wanted.

We could NOT get our ticket. Finally Hans goes up to the front to get it and pay it. He comes back, we pack up and leave, annoyed as hell. "What did you tip her?" I asked in the car thinking to myself that 10% was awfully generous.

Silence. "20%" said Hans.

"What? You are joking." I said.

My sucker of a husband (yes honey, I love you very much) "well she is a single woman, pregnant, it didn't sound like a good situation..."

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Swimming lessons went well on Saturday. Leif was a little fussy as he slept so poorly on Friday night. He didn't want anything with laying in the water on his back. But we got through it. Then we get home, dead tired. Leif and I both went down for a nap and slept almost 2 hours. Life was better after that.

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So I took my company up on their offer. A 4 week class to get myself back running. I need it, bad. I just have no time. So when the class was offered on Mondays and Wednesdays from 4:15-5:15pm, I jumped on it. I never have anything at 4pm and I can be 15 minutes late to get Leif.

Wednesday was my first class. I am hating it already. I was lectured to for over one hour on the benefits of "wellness". Yes, I get this. I should eat well and I should exercise more, I should also sleep more and drink more water. I did also catch the little blip in there about there being no study that indicates a correlation between breastmilk production and exercise - umm yeah ok. Let's move on. But no, 60 full minutes and a stack of papers over an inch thick on references from the web and crap like that. I have seen most of this crap. I signed up to exercise, not be lectured to about how out of shape I am. And really... considering I had a baby last year and haven't kicked my exercise up to anything more than walking the dog, I am doing pretty damn well. So then the 60 minutes is up and she.keeps.talking. I said I had to leave, I had to pick up my son at daycare. "No stay 5 more minutes, please, I need to get this in." Stupid me, I stay. 5 minutes goes by. This time I stand up and leave, she insists only 5 more minutes. Sorry lady, my son is waiting at daycare for me.

I am dreading my class tonight. We will be walking. I would far rather go walk my dog at home. She needs it more too. I am holding out for my free 60 minute sports massage coupon upon completion of the class though. Sorry Winny.

Goal accomplished

My shirt... entirely free of coffee stains. Applause please...

Today is Friday. I love Fridays. I just got through visiting with a woman I work with, Cari. I think when we first got to know each other she found my rantings about project hell maybe a little far fetched. She now appreciates them. She walked into my office and plopped down in my comfy leather chairs. (I feel like such the psychiatrist when people do this.) I loved it... she said without whispering "People whose names begin with J are really ticking me off". That would be horrible project manager and one of our coworkers. Hallelujah, I am NOT the only one.

I seriously used to think it was all me. *I* was just the one incapable of getting along with everyone on this project. *I* was the one who was stupid. *I* was the one who just couldn't understand my part on the project. Nope, it isn't just me! Now I am just convinced it is women working on this project... ;-)

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Hans is home today. He decided to take the day off to write a paper for class. It is due next week. The idea is that he will get the paper done and be able to spend the weekend hanging out with Leif and I. Maybe we would even go to the Spring Barrel tasting. I would like to head home early, but I don't want to cut into paper writing time... lest I be the bottle neck in the flow of words from his hand to the computer.

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I have a ton of planting to do this weekend. And it should be the weather to do so. It is supposed to be sunny and 80 tomorrow! Wohoo! I want to get the yard in shape and get the garden in.

Friday's Goal

Coffee stays IN the cup. NOT down the front of my shirt as has happened for the last two days.

Concentrate... this will be difficult.

Klutz.

"Nice job"

Watch me fall over. The project manager from hell called me - yes I just about fell over right there. I had only been e-mailing him and copying him on every issue we were having so far today with shipping rad sources offsite. This is his project, you would have thought he would be concerned. But no, he is off somewhere taking the afternoon off. So you can imagine my shock when he actually called me!

I told him the problem had been taken care of, he wanted to know the issue, reitterated it to him and stated again it had been taken care of, don't worry about it. And he said, "nice job". I am floored.

(P.S. I still want off his project.)

Why am I surprised?

So it is Wednesday. My hellish day. Every Wednesday starts out with my booking it in here. Drop Leif at daycare and get to my office so I can print up approved presentations for my teleconference with the client and my team at 9am. (This is my shiny, happy project.) I get in (I have no coffee because I was a dork and forgot to make it last night), I am dragging, but I get things printed out.

I have my telecon presentation in hand as I hurry out to my car hoping to make it to the site of the meeting a few miles away with enough time to grab coffee. I make it. I have 7 minutes to spare so I run to the coffee shop and order my latte. I am waiting as she rings it up. You would think she might then go make it? Nope, she takes the guys order behind me - he wants a bagel sandwich, special ordered. Then she takes his money, counts it back, and walks, ever so slowly back to the kitchen to put his order in. Tick tock tick tock... telecon starts in 2 minutes now... I notice that I do have MY telecon presentation thank goodness, but I left everyone elses sitting on the printer so I can't follow along. Oh well, I have to leave early anyways.

She finally makes her way to the espresso machine and brews up my mocha. THANK YOU. I run halfway BACK down the 1/8 mile long hallway to the conference room. Yes, the hallway is 1/8th of a mile, made that long specifically to be the longest stretch of straight hallway in Washington state. I wish I worked in this building, I would walk the hallway at lunch... anyways.

I get to teleconference and am the first one there. I get the room setup, pull the phone over, connect up the conferencing device and sit down. The phone rings, it's the client. Hello, this is April, I am the only one here... no problem, they wait.

Finally we get going. My presentation goes well. Mean guy from the client lab tries jumping on me, but I jump back. My project manager was rolling his eyes at mean guy getting ready to tell him how he is wrong. You know what? It is just easier to give him what he wants. Yes, I will send SEMs you want (I think it is stupid and you aren't going to see what you are looking for, but I will send them). Hey, mean guy is happy! He apologizes for not being clear last week! Project manager is elated to have avoided having to explain why he is wrong. Ok, he wanted to still tell him why he was wrong, but no use going there. Give the guy what he wants... he gives us $$. (And he may give me a job.)

I finish my presentation and RUN out of there at 9:55am, drive to my office. Grab my stuff for my ultra-important meeting at 10am for the project from hell that *everyone* has to be at this week. Preparation for the deployment and we all *need* to know what is going on. (grumble, grumble... I am just glad to have wormed my way out of this deployment.)

I arrive at the conference room. Is it any surprise at all that the conference room is empty? Did I really think we were going to have this ultra-important conference. Stupid girl am I. While leaving the conference room I trip over the crack in the floor and spill my latte (or the remains of it) down my front. DOH!

So I walk back to my office, making a quick stop at the restroom and an attempt at scrubbing out the latte spill (now I just have a big wet spot on my front). Bonus, now I can pump. I sit down and start my work for the day. Why am I at all surprised?

I have GOT to get off this project ASAP. It makes me crazy.

So far, Leif seems to only have one little bump on his tush. He is warmer than usual, although not "feverish" and inordinatly fussy. One of those days when I didn't mind so much dropping him with daycare... and then running out. My gut says it is his teeth. He has that one bottom tooth that has yet to pop through, though it is *just* about there. So I am not thinking he has chicken pox, but we never know. I am certainly no expert.

One thing I *hate*. Telling someone they are doing something wrong and I need them to do it right. I hate trying to walk that line between being the pushy person saying "this is wrong redo it" and the trying to be really nice "you know I was looking at these and they might not be right, I am not sure here, but maybe you are measuring them wrong? What do you think?". Wishy washy or a "bitch", how to balance?

The situation, I got a boat load of SEMs this morning to start analyzing. Yay, I have been waiting for them. The SEM technician has been analyzing these types of samples since Jan 1st for me. Why is it that just now he has decided to measure a particular feature from back corner to front corner instead corner to corner across the face, like I instructed him from day 1? Maybe he just forgot, maybe he is getting sloppy, I don't know. I hate cracking the whip. But I did, whip was cracked and his manager copied on it. I hate doing that too, but his manager insists upon it. I would really rather take it to the tech first and if it isn't corrected, THEN involve the manager. Oh well.

A mentor, a stupid woman and chicken pox?

I have selected a mentor. I even went up and talked in person to him instead of sending an e-mail... how unscientist of me! To actually walk up the two flights of stairs to his office as opposed to sitting in my quiet secluded little office. I chose Dave. Mullet man. If I suddenly cut my hair into a really bad mullet, someone inform me that my mentorship has taken a turn for the worse.

Dave is a really great guy, a newly promoted Scientist V. He is young-ish (early 40's I think). From Idaho, married with two sons. Great guy. Hard worker, but down to earth. And fun to be around and talk to. My only hesitation albeit minor is that he knows a lot of the people I might happen to talk about, and I might not talk about them with the acolades that he might expect. If this comes up I will have to remind him that we do have a confidentiality agreement. He was quite excited to be presented with this prospect to mentor a young scientist. He went further to tell me that I really should feel free to come and talk to him whenever I want, be it through a formal mentorship, or not.

I feel as though I have made a good choice. I am happy with my decision and I hope that Dave can help me work through a lot of my work confusion I am dealing with now.

Then there is stupid chick I work with. Wanders into my office this morning. She just wanders from office to office to talk to people all day long. I will *never* have her work on my projects because she does NOT work. She just yaps with people all.day.long. So she plops into my comfy leather chair and starts yapping and yapping. One of the last things she touches on is that she talked to my former team lead Tom the other day and told him exactly what I thought of the reorg... ok, what exactly did I think of it? I don't remember talking to stupid chick about it because she was out on maternity leave. She had it dead wrong! So here she is blabbing to my former boss about how I was forced into it - and he knows that isn't true. Is he smart enough to realize she is talking out her ass?

Then there is the chickenpox... I went to see Leif in daycare today at lunch. He nursed, was a little fussy, we are both sick with colds. Then he played on the floor some. His teacher went to change his diaper and showed me a little bump on his bottom. There have been three cases of chicken pox in daycare, everyone was exposed most likely. Is that little bump the start of a week at home for Leif?

Ugh.

I have become my parents

When I was a teenager there was a rule in the house, no calls after 9pm. I thought this rule was absurd, to say the least. My other friends didn't have this rule as was evident by the number of calls for me after 9pm. My friends usually got Rick's wrath if he got to the phone before I did. I was quick though. But my quickness to pick up the phone before 1/4 of a ring was complete didn't preclude him picking up the phone and telling us to get off it... in not so many words.

Now as an adult, I think this rule should be the rule of the land. Let's just go ahead and legislate it. The only calls that should come after 9pm should be emergencies. And you know, most adults realize this. ESPECIALLY when you are calling a house where a baby resides.

There are two whole people in the world who have missed this common courtesy in life. Who will consistently call our house after 9pm, and it won't be an emergency. Or at least, not a "real" emergency. Sure it maybe an emergency to them that it just dawned on them that they need to know where someone is, and that we - the ones who live 2000 miles from everyone - might know. To which I would respond, "probably in bed like the other sane people of the world".

Ok, I know, seriously now. No, I am not in bed at 9pm. We have, in our house, at 9pm usually just gotten Leif down at 8:30pm and are looking forward to some adult time. Adult time being watching a TV show together, starting a movie, talking about our day, basically winding down. We ease into our evening, Leif asleep, but not deep at this point... yes, anything WILL wake him up after going through our 45 minute ritual to get him down. That INCLUDES the phone ringing!! And let it be known that I can shoot daggers with my eyes at Hans when the phone rings. This puts him on my shit list. A place he finds very unpleasant.

And yes, sometimes I *am* asleep. Hans - rarely so. Any idea how it feels, 9 months pregnant, sleeping soundly (very rare at 9 months pregnant) and the phone jolts you awake at midnight? Oh it happened LOTS last summer. Plain R.U.D.E.

So this weekend, the phone rings at 9:30pm. Leif isn't feeling well, I feel horrible, and had just dozed off on the couch while watching a movie. Hans had started dozing too. When *jolt* - I am awake, Hans is awake, Leif wails, daggers are piercing Hans skin as he sprints to the phone... This person's response to Hans saying "can we talk tomorrow?"

Classic... "Why are you sleeping at 9:30 on a Saturday?" My question back would have been - had I been the lucky one who answered the phone... "Does it matter if we were sleeping? Is 9:30pm on a Saturday night the best time to try and reach someone? THINK ABOUT IT!"

So when you pick up the phone to call someone, things to think about.
1. Does this person have a small person in the house that is likely to be asleep?
2. Is this person you are trying to reach likely to be enjoying his/her time with the small person asleep?
3. Can it wait 12 hours? Oh hell, can it wait 8 hours... our small person is up at 5:30am on weekends.
4. What else MIGHT the person you are trying to reach be doing? Would you like to be interrupted doing that? (Watching a movie, snuggling with spouse...)

Vent done.

Hans, answer your phone!!!

I am bubbling over! I grabbed my old team lead in the hallway. Tom put me on a project a year and a half ago. Initially, I hated it. I have grown to love it. It is my favorite project, my shiny, happy project. With people who are nice and friendly. It is an 1831 project, meaning non-govermental work. Which is supposed to be done in my "free time". I make sure I have a lot of "free time" now.

We have recently gotten some really spectacular results on this project. The project is in its third year here at the lab. It was set up for three years, each year renewable depending on the success of the year before, up to three years. After three years the company would make a decision whether or not to pick this lab up as their R&D lab. Things so far, look good.

So I snaked Tom into my office to show him my latest telecon that the client went nuts for on Wednesday. Man was he thrilled! He was beaming! He stated that not only had I most likely made Rick happy, but that our client now had great stuff to take to her boss! I am not sure I have seen Tom beam so much EVER! He was thrilled. I told him also that the client indicated that even though she wants to demo this to a client by July (!!!!) that there will be PLENTY of stuff for me to do on a return to bench scale next year. (!!!!) This actually had been one of my concerns... was I just going to fade away once my project is completed. It scared me actually.

So all indications were there, they are going to path forward to year four with us as their R&D lab, the client is happy not only with my project, but with me. And then Tom added in the kicker, "[She] is so happy with you on this project, don't be surprised if they offered you a job."

!!!!

Hans and I have kicked around the pipe dream of *if* this project went really well for me what could happen. Well I already bought stock in the company just in case I happen to revolutionalize the way computer chips are made or something like that... I own a whole 3.2 shares. (That's big for a government scientist.) Hans had mentioned before "well what if they offered you a job". My response was always "well they would never offer me a job", they will keep me working here. Well apparently Tom doesn't think that is what is going to happen. So maybe there has been some real talk of this... Tom always has the inside scoop...

Would we move to Fremont, CA? Would we become Bay Area-ites? Might we get to fall in the ocean with all the other Bay Area-ites when the big one hits? Might we actually get to eat good food out on a regular basis? Could we afford to live in the Bay Area?

OR, if this lab becomes the R&D lab, would I just become their offsite employee? Would I work here in podunk-ville and visit the Bay area regularly? (IDEAL) How much would I get paid? Would it be competitive with my job now? I would so jump at the opportunity to do this aspect - stay here and work for the client. I could always get hired back on here later.

I am so psyched up I can hardly sit still.

My 8 hours is almost up.

I made it through working on that horrific project today. It was made slightly better by having Cari shadow me on it. I am not exactly sure why... but I thought maybe she might have been there to take over for me and no one would tell me. Because that is how things work on this project... seriously. I never really got that impression, but at least we got some good chat time in.

I chatted with Cari and Vanessa about this. I am really struggling with the selection of a mentor for my Scientist and Engineering Development Program. It is a formal mentorship, where the mentor actually attends a training/expectations class and we set up a schedule and the whole works. I am having an enormously difficult time deciding who should be my mentor. So here I am going to hammer out my options as I see them.

1. Dan. He is a very young (2 years older than me) rising star in another section of the lab. He has offered me good advice in the past. He has kids and his wife works, so he understands the challenges of working families. We work on a project together and so he has an idea of how I operate and I think could give me good advice. Drawbacks - he is young, not much life experience, he is likely to be asked to be a mentor by MANY people in the program I think.

2. Dave. He is in his early 40's, transplant from an Idaho Lab and recently promoted to a 5. Rising star most definitely. Fun to be around, he is in my group, I know him, he would love to be a mentor I think. He has 2 boys, wife is a SAHM. Drawbacks - he knows a lot of the people I work with quite well and I worry I might be hesitant to talk to him frankly, even though they have to agree to confidentiality, I don't necessarily want all my struggles getting around.

3. Clem. An older chemist, nearing retirement who looks like Sean Connery, lol. I get along great with Clem and he has been very helpful to me recently in outlining my teleconference presentations, what to present, how to present it and what to say. How to handle an obnoxious client when he jumps down my throat. He is in a different group. Drawbacks - we just come from different places. He would probably balk at an "official" role and not like the "process".

4. Tom. My former team lead. He knows me alright, is familiar with the SEDP program and knows from a manegerial point of view, where I should be going. But now he isn't management anymore. Drawbacks, older single man, no family, no kids, he has no idea where I am coming from.

5. Mary. She has pretty much dropped off my list after talking with Cari. I really wanted a woman with at least one child as a mentor. I just can't seem to find that.

6. Karen. I barely know her, just joined a project she runs. But she is going to be a team lead in my new group. I can't have management. Even though she won't be *my* team lead, I don't want management knowing all my secrets, lol.

7. Barb. Vanessa suggested her and I shunned it at the time. I don't know her, like at all. But Cari reinforced that it might be best to go with someone like that. She has kids.

You can note that pain in the ASS project manager, post-doc "advisor" is NOT listed. Neither is Justin, who has served as an informal mentor for me for quite awhile. But phasing off of his projects and all, I don't think he is thrilled about that and doesn't really understand where I am coming from.

You know I do have one other option...

8. Phil. Or for that part, the other Mary. They are both TGMs, but not MY TGM. Phil knows a lot of background. Oh wait, forget it, I can't divulge any info because I still work significantly on projects within his group.

Who to pick, who to pick? My gut tells me Dave... I will sleep on it again tonight.

Comments

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It is Thursday just after 1pm. I am having a rough day. I am working on the project I despise. I have a ton of other things to do, but I *need* to do some work here. I just hate it. So much so, it almost brings tears to my eyes, seriously. I went and saw Leif at lunch and didn't want to come back. And I am resisting the urge to work on shiney happy projects that make me feel good and with people that are nice.

So here I am , counting the minutes till this day is over and I can say I put my 8 hours into this project...

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Leif's new found mobility

Life has changed in 4 short days. From a baby that would move around, but would take 15 minutes to get 2 feet, to one where I turn my back and he is in another room going through the garbage can.

I am flat out convinced that he sees something interesting, senses my desire to *not* let him play with said object even though I say nothing. He has got to be feeling my change in pulse rate or body temperature as I glance down and see the lamp cord dangling all the way to the floor. He remembers. And then he makes a beeline to the item that might have caused me to pause.

I rewound 2 rolls of toilet paper, emptied garbage cans daily to keep anything from accumulating and subsequently being dumped on the floor, picked up one shredded magazine, closed all of the drawers on the coffeetable 54 times each. Put the stuff that WAS in the coffee table drawers BACK in 54 times. Picked the lamp up off the floor - see lamp cord dangling above... why is a lamp cord 2 feet from a bucket of toys far more interesting than said colorful, noisy toys? Pried 103 doggy kibbles, deposited by the dog that can't chew up a mouthful of food anywhere near her bowl of food, out of a tiny little fist that is incapable of picking up Cheerios, yet can pick up doggy kibbles. Removed him from the tile entryway, where I am *positive* he will fall and crack his skull open, 306 times. Dog sleeps on the tile entryway... see any correlation?

Yes, we are babyproofing. WHY does he not go into the kitchen and try to open the cupboards that Hans so diligently babyproofed?? Hans would really feel some sense of mission accomplished if just once Leif crawled into the kitchen and tried to open one of those cupboards. WHY is he finding everything that doesn't have an immediate fix?

So how do you balance... teaching "No, don't pull that lamp onto your head." With simply making our home into a padded house that no one ever gets hurt in? Sure, the things that are dangerous are getting babyproofed. The cupboard full of plastic bags and kitchen garbage, the cupboard full of food processor and blender parts. But does the toilet paper *really* need a gadget to keep it from unrolling?

Watch out world!

Leif is on the move!

He has been going forward about 2-3 steps to the point. Then he flops to his belly and does the fishy. All that changed last night when something clicked. He was on his blanket in the living room, you know, that imaginary boundary that baby can't possibly get off the blanket and onto the carpet.

I was in the kitchen getting dinner going, Hans was walking Winny. We didn't go since it was horribly windy, which is Winny's favorite weather. She will stand outside "smiling" in the wind as it penetrates her deep coat to her skin. So last night was an especially neat treat for her. Me, otoh, *hate* the wind. After living in Wyoming as a child, one learns to despise the wind. Especially as a preteen when how your hair looks is oh so important. And you get to junior high with it sticking every which way. No amount of Aqua Net saved my hair from wind destruction in Wyoming. I worked hard to achieve that helmet head thing though...

So anyways, I am in the kitchen and I look down and there is Leif, entering the kitchen, moving at a pretty good rate, with a "Naw-some" dog treat he picked up along the way that Winny left especially for him. He sits at the edge of the kitchen and promptly sticks the thing in his mouth! He was QUITE proud of himself.

And he didn't stop there... when Hans got home and sat down in the living room, Leif turned around and crawled back.

I thought maybe he would have forgotten his new found skill this morning. Nope, I walked into the living room to find him sucking on one of those big brown Filbert (I think) nuts that I stupidly left in my fish planters, which flank my fireplace.

Hans got his long awaited wish, the terra cotta fish planters have been relegated to a position up high in the library. No more tripping over them daily... despite the fact that they *never* move and have been in the same place for over a year now.

Our chore this weekend... babyproofing.

4-7-05 post

I couldn't get in yesterday, so here's my entry from yesterday:

It is 4 o'clock on Thursday. What better things are there to do than write a proposal? I am sure there are plenty.

What should I blog about today? Not work. I updated on Leif yesterday. I could talk about how badly I need to shave my legs. Thank goodness I have light leg hair. I am wearing capri pants today and I have a mild forest growing on my shins. Yikes.

I really think I need a night of pampering. By the end of the day lately I am just too tired to hardly even take my make up off. This probably isn't horrible since I wear so little. But if there is no time to remove makeup, then there is definitely no time for laying in a bath, giving myself a facial or dealing with the unruly eyebrows. Oh well.

Blockbuster.com just really makes no sense to me. We joined. Great idea, send out movies and keep a list. Love it. We opted to do that over Netflix because we would get the 2 free in store rentals. Well started out that the service was SLOW. It took a week to turn around a movie. Then one day they speeded up. Then we were getting crap for movies. You know the ones that are WAY down on your list that you probably wouldn't pick up given the choice of anything else. But still they are on your list of "oh I will sit through that I guess". There are a lot of those on our list, The Village, Harold and Kumar... (Hans put that on, what is it?), Shall We Dance... you know those ones.

Couple that with they *never* upgrade their website. I had no idea what the newest releases were. I figure they didn't want me to know... they didn't have them. I had to go to Yahoo, find out the new DVD releases and then search them on blockbuster.com. PITA.

So I gave up, I went to cancel after that last straw of being sent the #8 thing on my list and *never* having received a brand new release. When I hit the "cancel" button a screen popped up asking if I was canceling due to a lack of movies being sent. Why George, you hit the nail on the head. I clicked. They offered. I accepted. One more month, free, to see if they can turn things around.

Well and in 5 days have things changed or what? First I got the notice that Sideways shipped. YAY! Then Spanglish, then The Incredibles, then Closer... umm wait a second... I still have "When Will I Be Loved"... that makes FIVE movies that we have out now. The limit was three. I just don't get it.

Have I flittered away enough time here? I guess I should get back to that proposal now...

Leif, 8 months and 7 days

I don't want to clean my office TOO soon here you know... gotta spread this out a little.

Leif just cracks me up. I hurried to see him at lunch today because, 1. I can't wait to see him at lunch, 2. I wanted to make up for being late the last few days (yes, 5 minutes is late to me) and 3. my boobs were full and about to spring a leak because I had teleconference all morning and couldn't go pump.

I get there and do you think he wanted to eat? Nooooo! He wanted to play. He wanted to show everyone around us how high he can jump. But he can only jump this high when mommy is there. (My arms are so sore...) He is such an attention hound and starting to get a little possessive.

I get there and all of a sudden the world is good again. He smiles at everyone like "see here, my mommy came to see me and play with me, watch us play!" He is nothing if not persistant in working to earn your attention. And the possessive side is starting to show. Ashley crawled up to say hi and Leif shot her a look that said, "don't you dare touch my mommy, she is mine and she is here to see ONLY me".

It is so cool to know that I was so missed. That I make his world go round. And that he doesn't forget who I am when gone.

He doesn't care a lot about being given a bottle. Will take them at daycare. But given the choice, he would rather not eat, than have to eat from a bottle. Which raises the issue of feeding at daycare. I have to write it into his chart EVERYDAY to feed him 3 bottles. Otherwise, he just will go without, waiting for the boob.

He is now forward crawling. Hasn't quite figured out its effectiveness, but is going forward and not just backwards. However, he seems limited to 3-4 forward crawl motions before he is flat on his tummy doing the fishy.

Leif is far more motivated to stand and walk. Hold his hands and he will walk across the room with you. He is a smart kid, he sees this as far more productive and less labor intensive. Just think if you had to crawl everywhere you went!

Food. The newest love (yes, he finally has a few food loves, very few) is tortillas. Strips of flour tortillas are just the coolest things. And the actually make it to his mouth! Where he gums it to death until it disintegrates. Then he moves down to the next untouched piece. Last night he ate about 1/3 of a tortilla! So far his food likes include squash, peas and carrots. Loves apple berries, pears, spaghetti (we think) and tortillas.

I do have my concerns though about food and Leif... my pickiness as a child has most likely doomed me to have picky children. I am not picky anymore, for the most part, but I still stand by my likes and dislikes as a kid and I do get pickiness. However, *I* don't want my child to be picky!

Proposal writing

I am brain dead. What do I write about? What will convince someone to give me almost $2 million dollars to do research with.

If history is any indicator it will go like this:
Pretty soon my office will be clean. (I can't write with all this stuff stacked around me.) Oh wait, maybe I should just write at home where I won't be interrupted by everyone walking by my office... Ok, we are home now... hmmm, what should I cook? How about cookies? Or maybe banana bread. Or cookies AND banana bread. Oh wait, can't forget about dinner... what are we having for dinner. I could make a fantastic Indian feast complete with naan, vindaloo, chutney and spiced rice.

Then I will be here tomorrow, stuck, because now my office is clean. I can't go home and work because that DOES NOT work for me. And I am one day closer to the proposal due date. Great.

Busy busy busy at work!

Why does everyone want stuff all at the same time? I am convinced that some project managers like to assign you things that *have* to be done, knowing all the time that you have a lifecycle plan due. I think it is attempted sabotage. If I don't get funded then I will continue to be a grunt on their project.

Part of this I did bring on myself by taking on a lot recently with my most favorite non-governmental project by willingly and eagerly doing all sorts of experiments. And here it is a few weeks later and all my results are rolling back in. So in the midst of my writing a lifecycle plan for the first time, I am trying to analyze data and set up a presentation to report to the client.

The presentation I finished today. 40 pages to present in teleconference tomorrow plus a 3 page written report summarizing a statisticians report. I am spent. Completely.

So now I guess I can focus on my lifecycle plan. Remember I said it was going to be $500K. Wrong. After meeting with all my collaborators and the program manager we settled on my asking for about $1.9 million dollars. It is spread over 4 years. I have just started managing small tasks ($100K), here now I am asking to manage a project with over a million dollars. Excuse me while I am sick here.

I struggled to maintain control of this concept paper. I originated the idea and submitted the concept paper while pretty much everyone ignored it and never responded to my inquiries. Now here we are with the "go ahead" and everyone wants a piece of it or to manage it. I gave up a section, or at least agreed to share my lead with a man I had never met before. But has experience in the area. He has been helpful. Much moreso than my "mentor". *$&#)#@

If funded I am a shoe in for a promotion and will be hiring a post-doc. I am freaked. How can I possibly make this work? Scary.

Busy busy busy at home!

I have been so busy lately, my blog has gone neglected. So quick recap on the home front:

Leif woke up Easter morning with conjunctivitis, lovely. Quick, or not, trip to Urgent Care Easter morning. We were way-layed in our "quick" part of the trip by a man with a fish hook in his hand and another man with an embedded piece of steel in his eye. That's ok, I will sit in the waiting room with a very fussy and very contagious 8 month old... I know, I know... I would want to be seen if it were me. But those both seem like ER things, not urgent care. Oh well.

Ok, chalk this one up to "I should have known..." Monday morning I wake up with conjunctivitis. I pick it up so easy, it isn't surprising. So I call the doctor. How about a full repeat of my experience previously with this doctor. Hello, can you manage an office? Obviously not. This has led me to the conclusion (after going to Urgent Care myself on Monday), that we need a new doctor.

OH wait, now it is Tuesday and Leif has bronchitis. Yes, we need a new doctor, and I left a mad voicemail message on our doctor's voice mail. She probably hates our guts. But what do I do when our son needs a doctor? Tell my husband to call the doctor. ;)

So Leif is on antibiotic eye drops and antibiotics. I am on antibiotic eye drops? What next? Well after another round of trips to the Urgent Care this Sunday morning, Hans and I have tonsillitis and are also on antibiotics.

But wait, there's more! With the purchase of antibiotics for your child, yourself and your husband you are eligible to receive an eye infection for yes, you guessed it... your dog. Winny made her trek to the vet yesterday afternoon for diagnosis of an infected eye. And lucky dog, she gets antibiotic eye drops and oral antibiotics too.

I am wondering if our house shouldn't be marked biohazard.

Despite feeling crummy on Saturday, while Leif napped, I managed to get out and work in the yard. The garden is well on its way to being ready to plant. Seedlings are started. Grow grow grow!

It finally happened!

That proposal that I thought was scooped... I was given the go ahead last Friday! Stoked!

So now I have to file scope, complete the EPR, write the lifecycle plan and then do a presentation and defend my ideas. Oh wow! I don't know if the review will be here or in DC. I am asking for a half million dollars to do my research.

Oh and the guy who schooped my idea saw I got the go ahead, e-mailed me congratulating me and suggested we all get together and talk about it. Umm yeah, I will get right on that.

Klutz with a capital K

So last night I headed out the door with Winny to go get the mail. I got about 5 steps out before I tripped over the garden hose and went chin first into the sidewalk. I suppose my hands must have gotten in there somewhere because they are scratched all the pieces on the palms. But I can't remember. I whacked my chin pretty good, sent my glasses flying and just discovered this morning I chipped one of my bridges.

I crawled back in crying. It hurt so bad. Leif sat and smiled and did his best to console mama. It started swelling, but didn't seem that bad, albeit, was extremely sore.

We went on with the night and I kept Advil in me. This morning Hans said, "maybe you should go to the doctor". My chin is black and purple and blue for about a 2" diameter. And it still hurts like hell.

Today is our 5th anniversary. Hans said that when we go out to eat tonight that they will probably think he is taking me to a nice restaurant to buy me off for having beaten me, not that we are actually celebrating our anniversary. LOL. I look horrible.

When we rolled my car in 1996 I had a major black eye then. I had more people come up to me and give me information about domestic abuse, and hotline information, safehouse information etc. And poor Hans endured so many dirty looks, lol. Here we go again...

Happy St. Patrick's Day

5 years ago today I was at my wedding rehearsal in Lake Tahoe. Afterwards we went and ate at The Christmas Tree (wonderful restaurant on the NV side). I went home and slept while apparently everyone else in the wedding party went out drinking up at Lake Tahoe. So when I called my soon to be spouse the morning of the 18th to scream about his so-not-responsible buddy who wasn't at home when I went to drop off the dog, I am not sure he even knew who I was. Oh he was in trouble.

So we painted Leif green for St. Patrick's day. Well most of the way, and even have pictures to prove it. We were of course doing footprints and handprints with green paint, they were a little out of control because as soon as Hans sat down to rest I was yelling for reinforcements. I was covered in green paint, Leif was covered in green paint (and in his mouth), the table was covered in green paint. Even the floor of the bathroom where I set him while I ran the bath was covered in green paint.

I have corned beef and potatoes in the crock pot for dinner tonight. Which I am ready for now. I am having a crappola of a day and am ready to just go home.

But tomorrow is our 5th anniversary! We are going out to Anthony's Homeport for dinner, which should be spectacular if past experience is any indication. I can't wait!

This doesn't bode well

So I checked the office property map. Supposidly the TGMs were dividing up property. Awhile back my TGM contacted me and asked if I really needed to be out in the area I am in. Well since this is where all my work is, I would say "yes". Ok, end of that conversation.

Out of curiosity, I keep checking the property map to see what the latest is. If anything has been updated. Lo and behold, today, the answer is yes. Everyone in my new group who has an office, most all of them, now are listed as having an office under my new manager. Everyone of course, except me. My office still belongs to my former TGM. Great.

So where are they going to move me and when is that word coming down. This division seems to like to put stuff out there on the internet before actually talking to the individuals involved first. I am feeling sick to my stomach over it all. I went through every single other person in this area, looking for another inconsistency. There had to be someone listed in the same situation as me, space that belongs to my TGM, but occupied by someone in my former TGM's group. Somewhere... somehow... anyone... Buehler... ??

And yes, mama IS the first word

Leif is fussy... "mama mama mama" with arms outstretched to me.

Leif is hungry... "mama mama mama" with arms outstretched to me.

Leif wants attention while I am cooking dinner... "mama mama mama mama mama mama..." (Repeat ad infinium until I am finished cooking dinner).

Now that the point is made that "mama" IS indeed his first specific word, he can now add in another just for variety! ;-)

Leif update

I finally got Leif in to see his doctor. I called yesterday morning, bright and early at 8am. His cough is back and he sounds awful. We started nebulizer treatments. At 11am, the secretary calls me back to get more info. (Rolling my eyes.)

Why can't I just schedule an appointment, preferably the next available one? Sheesh. But no, everyone is prescreened for an appointment to determine priority. Wow, glad to hear my doctor and her nurse have the rare ability to diagnose over the phone. Why do they even bother to have an office?

So after the secretary calls, I wait. At almost 4pm, the nurse calls. Glad it wasn't much of an emergency, huh? She wants to know all the details I just (ok, hours ago) gave the secretary. I end by telling her that this is the second time in a month that he has had an "asthma" episode and that I REALLY want him to be seen this time, JUST to have her listen to him since she couldn't last time.

Ok, we are in. Appointment tomorrow at 10:30am. I have two, yes two, conflicting appointments. One meeting from 9-11am and one meeting from 10-11am. Since I have perfected cloning that means that one project always gets the shaft on Wednesday mornings. Guess what one that is? Hmmm?

Ok, I take the appointment and fast forward to "tomorrow". Tomorrow is now today. We get there at precisely 10:25am, 5 minutes early. Leif hasn't had a nap and only had 2.5 oz of EBM at daycare. I *knew* he was going to be hungry. And yes, he is sick and coughing. Sounds like a beast, but despite that makes an effort to smile and play peek a boo with EVERYONE in the waiting room. The one sourpuss old lady sitting next to us just glared at me... I mean how dare I sit down next to her with a sick baby??!!

So we sit and sit and sit. Yes, I know I was fit in, but 45 minutes wait with a 7.5 month old. Not fun for me, him or the rest of the patients.

Finally we are taken back. Leif is 20lbs 12oz with most of his clothes still on. So he hasn't gained much if at all in 6 weeks since his 6 month appointment. What's up with that? She listens to his lungs, yes they sound like crap. Ears, however, look good. Yay! So back on the albuterol, but this time add in prednisone, oh wait, prednisolone... the same medication Calley took. We got back Monday for another listen and most likely a prescription for Pulmicort, a longer acting, maintenance medication.

My poor guy!

Why torment myself?

I mean why, in the neighboring tab, would I even open the salary schedule? I have looked at it over and over. Nothing about that changes what I make or that I was not promoted.

Speaking of torment... exactly how much caffeine should I have in a day? Not as much as I had today. Combine that with adrenaline of a fast paced meeting analyzing statistical data and I have been zipping around in my head at 500 mph. I am headed for a big crash in about 30 minutes I have a feeling.

So a 2 hour meeting this morning about how to statistically analyze a serious amount of data. I have pounded it through, so did R and C. C and I not only came to about the same conclusions, but our data mirrored each others. That made me feel good. R had taken a different approach. So while C, R and I compared and tried to compare and decipher our results. T and D, who hadn't looked at the data previously, contemplated it at a higher level by simply absorbing the data through the oils in their fingers and transforming it into matrices and vectors and unknowns variables.

5 years ago I felt smart. I was on top of my game. I questioned what was written in my textbooks when I got a different answer. And you know, I was frequently right! I wasn't afraid to speak up and challenge or offer differing ideas. Because I was very smart, one of the brightest in my class - or so I thought at least.

Fast forward to now and things have changed. I work with some of the smartest people in the world. I have to work hard to keep up with them intellectually. It is very humbling. I love it, but it sure keeps me grounded.

Speaking of keeping myself grounded... I went and saw Leif at lunch. I was hoping I could relax spending some time with him. Slow my mind down a little since it was still flying from my meeting earlier. Nope... I wore off on him or something. He was a spazo baby! He nursed, then played, then nursed, then stood, then nursed, then laughed. I could relate. Stress does that to me, I can't stay focused and become an amazing multi-tasker.

Sometimes I think it would be super awesome to be a stay at home mom. Then I realize how much I would miss interactions and data analysis, especially on days like today when we are making actual big steps with outstanding results. What kills it for me and makes me think I would be better as a SAHM is when I have to work on my other project where I am treated as the intellectual equal to the administrators in my group.

Remember that crash I was talking about... it is hitting.

Thursday

After staring at numbers for the last 5 hours I think I deserve a break. My eyes are feeling all googley and I am sure I have made at least 50 mistakes in my statistical analyses. Oh well, I am sure they will all be picked out and scrutinized by others tomorrow morning, bright and early at 9am!

Anyone else watching the Mt. St. Helens VolcanoCam? It is quite addicting. I really wish the pictures would update faster than every 5 minutes. Do you know how long 5 minutes can be? Especially as the plume emanating from the volcano is growing larger and larger...

I forced Hans into the other bedroom last night, which I don't think he was thrilled about. He has a cold or allergies or something. Whatever it is it has him snoring like a freight train and he is up and down blowing his nose all night. I really was hoping for another repeat performance with Leif sleeping well and maybe I would not wake up every hour to check to see if he is breathing since he hadn't made a peep. So out of fear of having one more unpredictable variable in there I pushed Hans into the guest room. I also hoped that maybe if Leif had a bad night, that Hans being in there, at least he would still get some sleep. I will quit being mean tonight and let him into our bed again. ;-)

Well I suppose I should get ready for my meeting tomorrow. Which means putting 296MB of data onto a thumb drive or cd... ok, that would be a cd since my thumb drive has a measly capacity of 128MB...

GOOD morning!

Wow, what a night! Leif slept for longer than an hour at a time!

Went to bed at 8pm, I woke him up to nurse at 10pm. He ate and went back to sleep until 3am!! Can you believe it? Now if I can just quit waking up every hour to make sure he is still breathing. He konked out again until 5am, nursed and was up for goot at 6:30am. Yippee!

We will be repeating EXACTLY the routine we had last night tonight.

Is "mama" really the first word?

Leif went to bed about 6:30pm last night. He had quite the busy day. We went on a walk with friends and went to ice cream, thereby missing completely his afternoon naptime. Bad idea.

At about 1am Leif was up, and therefore, the rest of the house should be too. No screaming, just soft babbling and singing. I was laying there listening to him softly and then woah! What was that, my nose was just grabbed, then ouch, my eyebrow and oh I do have lips too! Leif was there on all fours, rocking back and forth saying "mama! mama! mama!" Hans conceded immediatly that it was a "specific mama" as opposed to "nonspecific" where he calls whoever "mama". This also meant that Leif wanted ME and not Hans... how convenient! Of course this morning Hans said that Leif has to repeat performance saying mama in order for it to be his first word. I am crying foul.

I fear my days of listening to my little baby coo and breathe next to me are numbered. Had he been able to he would have just crawled in the bed with us and performed "fishhooks" with our lips and lifted our sleepy eyelids.

Spring already?

Today the thermometer in my car dashboard said it was 80 degrees. Ok, I know enough to know that it is not correct. I have actually seen the thing read 122 degrees in the summer. And no it doesn't get *that* hot here. So after driving it cooled down to 68 degrees. Wow! Spring has sprung. It better be here to stay. My fruit trees are budding, bulbs are coming up and I am just plain ready for spring.

I was never a spring type person before, surprise considering my name is April. But I really like it here. Probably because winter just sucks, grey, dreary, foggy, drizzley. Blah. Ick. But spring comes early here and is therefore fairly long. I am planning my vegetable garden and can't wait. There will be no Preen allowed within a 10 foot radius. That stuff is death to vegetable gardens. I am looking forward to getting my seeds and planning it out. I cleaned out the front flower bed last weekend. Hans and Kenton are moving the weeping cypress tree this weekend (or next). I am ready!

This also means that Leif needs new clothes. Today he is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and heavy cords. Yesterday he wore his fleece lined overalls and a turtleneck. Oy vay. These ultra-cute clothes will be packed up soon, while they still fit. Sacrilige.

Update on Leif... he is still the cutest, smartest thing you will ever meet. Red hair is coming through, poor boy. Sure everyone says it is cute, it really is. But I don't want him to be the subject of ridicule and stupid jokes as a child. Maybe he will get Hans' strong personality and then it won't be a problem! He is trying oh so hard to stand up, forget crawling. He can pull himself up to stand if he has something within reach that is the right size. He can see that it is far more efficient to move on two feet than on all fours, so why crawl? LOL!

He is getting over a bad spell with his "asthma" and ear infections. We will all be happy when this is over. Poor guy!

Just curious... does anyone read my blog? We have been having a discussion about blogs on my women's board. No one ever responds or comments. Which is fine. I am not going to quit writing it, just curious who is out there lurking...

Husbands are so funny!

Hans just cracks me up... he will probably kill me for telling this story, lol. No he won't, it's about clothes, he can laugh.

He called me and asked me if he would wear "wine colored shoes". Umm, I don't know, will you? He didn't know. Well if you don't know if you will wear them, you probably won't. I really do value his frugalness, but after looking for shoes for 3 months, it really is time to just give it up and buy some!!

I, of course, have never had trouble buying shoes. If there is a chance I will like them, they are in my closet. As can be seen by the fact that my closet has no floor. Hans OTOH, has 3 pairs of shoes. His hiking boots, his daily shoes that need to match everything (wine colored matches very little), and a pair of sandals (that really are NOT supposed to be worn with socks).

Hump day

So 1 month after being in my new group my manager called me! The topic of the conversation was space. Where do I work mostly and where is my office. Well she said, you will probably need to stay out in that area. Well umm, yeah, if you want me to work on the same projects, that would be most convenient. She told me that after dealing with the space issues she will schedule meetings to come meet all of us she doesn't already know. Typical manager, space issues are far more important than staff. Moving on...

Leif wants SO bad to be crawling or walking. He watches the other babies at daycare and really does think that he can do the same thing. He is trying! He is such a joy. I can't believe how connected I am to him. He is so cool.

Medical "care"

Or lack there of.

So I am probably just being a paranoid new parent. But in my American Academy of Pediatrics book it says that when an infant has had a cough for 5-7 days, and it doesn't go away, take them to the doctor. Now a paranoid mother would have ignored that advice and taken the baby immediately. That makes me officially NOT paranoid.

I called the doctor at 8:30am. First off my complaint there. I could.not.get.through. I finally left a message on the appointments answering machine. After a number of calls back, apparently my messages got somewhere. The nurse calls me to tell me that they are too busy to see Leif both today AND tomorrow. If he has a cough to take him to the emergency room, and she follows that up with "you do have insurance don't you?"!

The emergency room, you have got to be kidding me! Ok, April going off here... that sounds like total abuse of the insurance system and a waste of the ER staff time. Leif had signs of asthma when he was a few months younger and we bought him a nebulizer and have albuterol for him. We have been giving treatments as a preventative measure with the strict instruction that we call the doc when we do this so she can listen to him. But no... we are to take him to the ER for a cough? We WILL take him to the ER if he shows signs of difficulty breathing, but seriously now.

Oh and I should add that according to the doctor an Urgent Care facility would not be appropriate because they wouldn't do a blood gas to check his O2 saturation. Really? I am just beside myself. At least an Urgent Care facility would listen to his chest!

I know it is a busy flu time, but I think it is appropriate for his doctor to listen to his chest since she was the one that diagnosed him with asthma. But they apparently didn't have this written in his chart or something, because the nurse was unaware of his asthma background.

I decided to do the Urgent Care thing and just called them. Yay, they are open till 8pm. But wait, they have a 2 hour wait right now! What?! So Leif could go sit in the waiting room where he would likely pick up more and nastier bugs. Or we can just go home and have an evening at home. I will choose the later. Ok, hereby classify me as a horrible parent.

I just can't believe the quality of doctors here. It really is good that we are on top of our medical care and knowledgeable, intelligent people. Because if you aren't, forget about it. Is it really too much to expect that the phone get answered and at least talk to a receptionist? To know that your call is being addressed by someone - it might take an hour or two, but someone WILL call you back? Is it too much to ask that when said person calls you back that the doctor might have actually read the history instead of just prescribing the standard "get off my back will ya" response?

The medical field sucks. When *I* worked in medicine we actually cared and tried. And man, if the doctor I worked with ever found out patients weren't getting to talk to a real person, there was hell to pay.

I am hereby jumping from the medical professions bandwagon that states that healthcare is best privatized, and that doctors are not overpaid over to the consumer bandwagon that says "hello have you ever tried to see a doctor and to speak to one for longer than 5 minutes?" I hereby am calling for REFORM!

No funding, yet again.

So another cycle of exploratory proposals has come and is going. I submitted two, very excellent proposals. Last year I was told it was a 50-50 shot if I got funded, but next year I will for sure. Well here it is, next year, and welp, no funding of my own.

Ok, I should qualify that this is simply based off my chatting with R.C., who doles out the cash-ola today previous to another meeting.

In one instant my "collections platform" proposal received acolades. It really is unique and a good idea, but it is just one in a stack of 5 collections proposals. So his solution is to consider getting them all together along with the currently funded sorbents project and revamp them under one heading for a large chunk of money elsewhere. What? You mean there is other money elsewhere?? I doubt it, I think "elsewhere" is a place that exists where they don't want to tell you it is a bad idea, cause it's not, but it's that place where no one ever wants to go to retrieve ideas. Who actually puts money in "elsewhere"?

The other proposal, everyone says it was a shoe in. The biggest problem was that I asked for 1/3 of their complete budgets. Yeah, I could have asked for less, but by my calculations I can't even BUY the equipment for less than $50K, and then I still have to pay people to work on the project. So R.C. told me that it is a long shot because I asked for $100K and unfortunately he thinks I was correct to ask for that much money, he doesn't think it could be done for less. He did throw me one bone though... get off my lazy duff and submit it as a concept paper for a life cycle plan (my words- he phrased it much nicer). Hell it probably shouldn't even be labelled "exploratory", it can be done, it is just a matter of logistics, putting it together, modeling it and making it work. So... with any luck the big talked about "plus up" for the program this year could result in my first funded proposal for FY06. Imagine that... to skip the entire exploratory phase all together... just dreaming here... don't mind me.

Leif is doing awesome. He is such a happy baby. I don't know what we did to deserve him and I only hope that I can prove myself as being deserving enough to parent him. He is truly amazing. He is saying (imitating) mama and dada and today I swear he waved at me. I always wave at him when I leave after visiting daycare. And today he raised his hand and opened and closed his fingers. His teachers got excited and everyone tried to get him to wave after that. He is such an attention hound. I am sure he just played coy after that!

Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. I asked for and got this year, an electric fondue maker. I even got to pick it out! Hans is always so good at picking up flowers and chocolate for me, but this year I thought I might ask for something that I want. While I love the ambiance of fondue with flame, I royally dislike the scrubbing of the burnt cheese krinkles out of the bottom and not being able to get the pot hot enough for oil fondue. So now, I can not only control the temperature precisely with my non-stick pot, but I can turn it up really hot to get that satisfying sizzle when you plunk a piece o'meat into the hot oil.

Leif took cookies to his teachers today. Actually he did his best to prevent me from actually getting the cookies in the door today. He has definitely got his daddy's monkey arms! How he could still reach the plate of cookies while I held him on my hip and walked with my arm extended carrying the cookies I don't know. I really can't believe we actually made it in the door.

A friend I work with came in with another Leif story for me from when he was dropping off his son at daycare. He told me that when he put Nathaniel on the floor in his carseat, Leif just stood there staring at Nathaniel. The staring doesn't get me, more the fact that he told me that Leif "stood there". Actual standing? It can't be? I am so confused. I must ask daycare.

Friday again!

Already! I can't believe it. No complaints here.

We are going to have a reclusive weekend. I don't want to visit or correspond with anyone we know, lol! I feel very privileged to have a number of friends in the area. But lately it seems as though we have something planned every single day of every weekend. And many times it is AT our house. We frequently get volunteered for these things. And while I am thrilled that people like to come over, it is sometimes overwhelming.

So tonight we are going out to dinner at the Olive Garden. Ok, I admit, the likelihood of encountering someone we know there is high. But I can deal. Then Leif is going to sleep all night long tonight (ha ha) and we will get bright and early at 6am, fully refreshed from a full nights sleep (I really am funny aren't I?). Tomorrow we are going to enjoy our very clean house thanks to our housecleaner, Wendy. I am completely spoiled and will never be able to survive without a housecleaner for the rest of my life. I am going to fix a nice dinner, but spend most of the day just hanging out with Leif and working on my scrapbooks!! I MUST get some pictures put in scrapbooks.

Oh I need to go to Target and get a few things for Valentine's day. I will do that, but no pressure!

So Valentine's day is on Monday. I was such a slacker this year. I didn't even realize it until too late to send cards. I really should have gotten them out, but I didn't. I asked Hans for an electric fondue pot for V-day. He will probably get some candy from me. We don't have much planned. We have cheese for fondue and king crab. We might celebrate on Sunday night since Hans has class Monday night.

Well so that is the state of things here.

Blah blah blah

It is just a blah day. I just feel reclusive and quiet today. It hasn't been a great day.

Leif didn't sleep well, however, he did eat last night. He has recently decided he doesn't like solid food, mommy milk only. BUT, we did entice him with some banana/berries blend Gerber mix. He thought that was yummy stuff last night. However, wouldn't you know it is PURPLE! Nothing stains like berries.

Ok, so he was a little fussy this morning after a long night. I was just a little tired. You know those occasions where you are having a really cool dream, something wakes you up and you can't get back to the dream? It is so frustrating. Well I had the opposite problem last night. I would wake up, comfort Leif, fall asleep and fall back into the same, monotonous, tedious, awful dream. Ok, it wasn't awful, but it was a perfect exemplification of my frustration with work right now.

In it I would walk into the classified conference room and sitting there would be my project manager, one coworker and a former coworker who I cannot stand. The former coworker starts complaining and being his general disagreeable self about my presence, my general feeling about this project, I feel like I am the biggest misfit and am sick of being treated like admin. My project manager makes a big deal about that I am not supposed to be there, but if I want I can stay he guesses. Yep, more signs of my feeling like a project misfit and indications of my feelings of always being left out and as if I am the third wheel. All the while my coworker who I do like, sits there saying nothing. I keep waiting for him to pipe up and support me, but in the end, as IRL, he goes with the flow.

So everytime I woke up last night, which was frequent, I would fall back asleep into this dream. No wonder I am exhausted today.

I went to telecon first thing this morning only to be jumped on left and right by a guy on the other side. He was being an inconsiderate jerk. My team backed me up, but it still made me feel inept and as though I am not being thorough in my work, which bugs me. I am extremely thorough. At the end he asked if I was still there, I said yes, and he apologized profusely for the way he treated me and said he felt guilty for being such a jerk. Well he should feel guilty.

I needed some quiet time after that so I worked in the lab working on wiring up a thermal controller. I worked and worked on it, determined to make it work. It wouldn't. I took it to my former team lead and now fellow scientist. I was prepared to tell him exactly all the tests I did and what happened. He didn't need to hear it, he trusted my judgment and tossed it in the trash. I went to my office and ordered a few new ones.

While I was placing my order my former manager, I still have yet to meet my new current manager one on one, came to my office. It appears that *I* am the matter of great concern among my division. He didn't close my door, so I didn't worry too much about this being a bad thing... but still it peaked my interest. I am one of three people that the division leaders met to discuss. It appears that my former manager, former team lead, division leader and current manager have outlined a career path they would like to see me follow. He told me that if it doesn't sit well, or I have concerns to let him know. He really reitterated to me that he wants to stay involved in my career path as much as possible and that he is there for me. It was so nice to hear that.

My crystal ball is propped up in front of me and through the haze I see my manager sitting across from me, I can't tell if it is my office or hers, but she is telling me that I need to dump Jim's project if I want a promotion. Now what is hazy in my crystal ball is if she is actually offering to help me find a project to fill said booted project or if she is giving me her advice and turning me lose to find my own way. Also hazy is the timeframe... is this to happen next week, next month, or over the next two years?

Surprised? Nope. I fully expect to hear this. Why? It's true. My career path under Jim is sketchy at best. I don't care for what I am doing, I don't feel important, I don't feel valued. I am ignored and expected to guess what is expected of me. I am not part of the boys club. Why should I stay on this project? I see no good reason. They don't stand up for me, they don't push for my promotion, they don't praise nor offer incentives for success. They suck.

I don't know why I was ever hired to start with. I mean really, my background was not commensurate with what they wanted me to do. I was easier to hire than a technician. But here I sit functioning as a technician/administrator. I didn't get my Ph.D. to order tubing, or to be in charge of purchasing equipment for the engineers. I have got to move on... how to do that is the only question. I don't even worry about hurting anyone's feelings anymore. Just give me a charge code.

Is it time to go home yet? I felt horrible leaving Leif at lunch today. He cried and cried. He is having a rough day too. I think I need to go home now. Bye!

The calm after the storm

My proposal is in. Yes, it was "in" last Friday too, but not the final draft. I am nervous and scared. I have submitted proposals before that I thought would get funded, but they haven't been quite this nerve-wracking. I think the reason it has me so spazed out is that in the past my proposals have been related to another ongoing project. Not this one. This is completely my own idea and there isn't any supporting staff or infrastructure for it. It is building from scratch. I am scared. I am also scared because the likelihood of funding is scarily real. The level 6 who is on my proposal has asked that it be funded asap so that I can get some particular equipment. My former mentor said he would bet money it will be funded and that I can get follow on money for the year after for proof of concept.

I have already basically designed this system before, I KNOW I can do it. But can I make it work?

So now I sit in my office, quiet, trying to calm my heart. $100,000 for 6 months is a lot of moolah.