Stress

I think I am addicted to it.


If I admit something, does that make it get better or just become more real?

I had a class Friday morning called Stress Management. And frankly this class pissed me off.

I went into the ridiculousness of this a few days (or was it weeks?) ago. They schedule a class caused Cost and Resources. My first thought was, “yeah, I could teach that class, but whatever. And oh crap it is scheduled to go until 5pm, I need childcare.” So after I scrambled to get childcare lined up… since I work a “cushy” schedule of leaving at 3:00pm daily… they changed the class to Stress Management. I think about the irony. Then a few days later they moved the class to an even WORSE day then the first one – the day my big huge deliverable was scheduled to ship. (Hello IRONY!) I told them straight up, I may not make this class and mustered a joke about “and I am probably the one that needs it”. They expressed the importance at making every single class, even the ones that “may not seem important at the time”.

Sigh.

Unfortunately due to an unforeseen and unfortunate event in the lab, I was able to attend class Friday morning. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any stress with making the decision to attend class versus a teleconference with the client to review the unfortunate event. But I have a great coworker who insisted I go to stress management (suggesting I might need it and commenting on the irony of the timing) and he would run the telecon and promised to take really good notes. (I am still skeptical on the last comment… *I* am the note taker.)

I sat, very impatiently, through Stress Management this morning. I sat there certain, that no one in that class had my level of stress right now and could we just get on with this so I could get back to my office.

And certainly the instructor had no idea how inconvenient this all was since she talked so slowly and PowerPoint animations crawled by at a snail’s pace. Seriously now? I don't need to see a word slide up the page, just put it there.

I know. Ironic, huh? Stress management my...

I am still a bit annoyed by the class because there were no massages. Truly, Stress Management should include massages.

But I am coming around. The telecon with the client went well my coworker has repeatedly assured me. (Haven’t seen any notes yet…) And I walked out of class today with a very important take away message.

“Stress can be addictive.”

Hello, I am Nuclear Mom and I am addicted to stress.

You know that Katy Perry song, “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no…”

I have been humming this song lately trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

I have been busting my butt daily on my work, barely accomplishing the things that need to be done, letting slip the things that aren’t pounding at my door. But frankly, if I really admit it, loving every minute of it. Ok, the icky meltdown event from Monday really sucked, I didn’t love that AT ALL or the fact finding afterwards. But every regular day. Love it.

On the rare occasion that I have a day where I am able to catch up I sit at my desk and pound stuff out. And then I twiddle my thumbs for 30 minutes. Then I freak out.

Full on freak out.

I don’t have anything to do! I start making phone calls to people, “when are you going to have X data?” “What about that paper you promised me?” “Do you have time for a meeting on this proposal?”

Freak out. Where is my endorphin rush? Where is that edge of panic that I thrive on?

Work right now is a tough place to be for a lot of people. Tough as in they don’t have work to fill their time cards and are fearing layoffs. When I am not pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get things done, I am paranoid. What is happening? Why aren’t people calling me? Do I need to start looking for work?

“Hot then you’re cold…”

Middle ground. I need it bad.

I need to kick this addiction to stress, the endorphin rush from pounding things out the door feels good. But I fear dropping things. I fear not doing my best. I fear disappointing someone.

I am going to work on this. Really, I am.

Little boys are such funny creatures

The other day Leif was crying at breakfast.

Leif: “And Mia is so mean and now Allison is too!”

Me: “What exactly are they doing?”

Leif: “They are telling me what to do and they want to talk to me ALL the time and so then if you are talking, you get in trouble, they want to get me in trouble.”

(Still tears.)

Me: “Leif, I still think it might be what daddy said the other day and that Mia and Allison actually like you, as in like you how you like Shelly.”

Leif: (Still upset) “No, it isn’t like that, I told them last week that my dad said the reason they were talking to me all the time was because they like me and it IS NOT that.”

Me: “Oh really, you asked them! What exactly did they say?”

Leif: “Well they said, ‘uhhh’ and started giggling and ran off.” (Tears still.)

Me: “So kind of the way you would act if Shelly walked up to you and asked if you liked her?”

Leif: (Stops crying. Face turns red.) “Uhhhh…”

Me: “SEE!! They are talking to you and bugging you because they LIKE you!”

Leif: “NOO MOM! That is awful!!”

Me: “Is it worse that they like you or worse to think that they are just bugging you to be mean.”

Leif: “It’s worse if they are mean.” (Tears are now giggles and cheeks are blushing.)

Me: “See! I was a little girl once, I know these things.”

Leif: “You were a little girl once?”

Me: “Well I wasn’t a little boy.”

Leif: “I didn’t think about that!”

Me: “I know all the scoops on girls, you need to just talk to me about girls!”

(Planting the seed for later…)

Irony

I called AB the other day to remind him that I have a class on that Thursday and would thus have to work late and he would have to get off early. He replies to me, "so do I, I have that leadership class".

And so we started scrambling.

You know when you are faced with adversity (I know, this isn't really adversity), so you are faced with a challenge to overcome in your family and you fail initially to look outside of your little family unit? I panicked. I stressed.

Yes, well it did finally dawn on me that luckily we do have a network of families to help out. Skadi is still in a preschool/daycare setting and so she isn't the issue, it was what to do with Leif. Who would meet his bus?

I went into action - I e-mailed my three closest friends with kids my son's same age and in the same school. Of course they all came to the rescue with solutions of offering to take Leif after school.

Phew. I could make my Cost/Resource Loading class after all.

Then the next day they changed the name of the class, "Stress Management".

Then they cancelled class for that Thursday and rescheduled it for two Tuesdays away.

Irony.

My Space

I often wonder when I enter someone's house and everything is just perfect and exactly fits the person, how they got there?

Not in terms of money or anything - I fully admit that we tend to put our discretionary income in other places than furnishings.

I have been trying to figure out for years how to get to the point where I walk in my house and I don't look at the laundry list of things that I want to do in order to turn that room into My Space. Something that when someone walks in they look at it and say "this fits NM".

I tried for a few years the monthly goals. And I really like that. But typically speaking it only ever afforded me the opportunity to do small things in each area each month. And for some time that worked for me. But I guess I got impatient... or it is my realization a few months ago that in order to finally get this going we needed bigger goals.

I finally have an end in sight for three areas in my house! My dining room IS finished. 100% complete. There isn't a single thing I want to do more to the area.

Room number two is well under way. The other day AB and I pulled everything out of our office, he pulled the trim off and I painted and painted. I have one wall left to do (in a different color). Then he is going to rip the nasty carpet up and start laying the new floor.

My big task is going to think seriously about what goes back into the room. Because I can cram a lot of stuff on shelves.

I would love to have a chaisse lounge for the office - I have visions of a quiet place to read by my front window - but that may have to wait unless I find a spectacular deal. 

But aside from my dreams of a lounge chair... the space will be done!

To round out the front of my house, the foyer is next. I have really been pushing AB to let me paint over the green wall. It just doesn't speak to me anymore and I think I very nearly have him convinced - or at least accepting of the need to get rid of the green. But after that I need a storage bench and a skinny little entry table. I should be able to find these at a reasonable price.

I am really looking forward to being able to walk in my house (though I almost never use my front entrance), and just be satisfied and happy with what is there without looking around and thinking "I don't like this and that and I want to change X,Y and Z."

Next? Our backyard transformation into a real utilizable space. Stay tuned, plans in the works.

Best purchase ever...

AB and I have a kind of routine where we declare an item one of our "best purchases ever". I think it is a way to consciously or subconsciously help us throughout the years to make better choices in how we spend our money. I have noticed lately that among the usual suspects on our list of really good choices, there are some that I really debated on whether or not to buy or that one of us really had to make a strong case for.

Compare this to other purchases that we have to a certain degree made mental notes on "never again". Like the computer I am typing on now... never go out and buy a computer because you need one with no checking around... Or maybe the dressers we bought when we moved here and knew we needed dressers, but not where to buy them? Oh the list goes on.

But in an effort to keep 95% of my blogs on the upbeat note, I thought I would share our list of "really great buys".

• My car. Love my car. I have a 2003 Toyota 4Runner that I bought halfway on a whim 9 years ago. I wanted a Highlander, but they were hard to come by and pricier than I had expected. I drove my 4Runner and decided this would do and I love the car still. I have no intention of replacing it anytime soon.

• AB's car. He loves his car something fierce. A Toyota Sequoia. I don't particularly care for it because it is huge. I feel like I am driving a bus. But that's the only reason why. I love being a passenger in it.

• A pink rolling pin. I found this itty bitty siliconeized rolling pin when Skadi was about 2. It wasn't inexpensive. And I debated this purchase pretty hard, does a 2 year old really need a silicone rolling pin? Umm yes, she did and she loves it and uses it.

• My black purse. It just gets better with age. One thing I love about it is that when I travel I can fit a lab notebook into it as well as my Kindle and no briefcase necessary.

• Our dining room table. I had to wrangle with my husband to finally get a second dining room table for our formal dining room. We always maintained that we didn't need a second dining room, but now that I have one. Love it. I use the in kitchen dining room for breakfast and lunch and kid's crafts. The dining room for actual dinner. But the table in particular? It was an inexpensive table that I FINALLY convinced AB we needed from Ikea. But it is fabulous. Solid wood and expands to seat... well we haven't filled it up yet. I am guessing 16 people?

• Our Canon EOS Digital Rebel. Love my camera. I use that thing all the time. And you know what? It is 7 years old and still going strong and taking fabulous pictures.

• A vase. Yes, a simple vase from Crate and Barrel. When I was in grad school I went to a conference and actually won one of 5 awards for the best student poster. It was $100, but to a grad student it was a small fortune. I wanted to buy something that would remind me of that time. I think it cost $29 (and I put the remainder towards dinner at Moose's with my husband). But I use that vase all the time.

Ok, so not the most fascinating post, but one of those that has been rattling around in my head for awhile.

Remembering back to rabbit's feet

Do you remember when they were somewhat popular? Rabbit's feet? Colored in wacky colors?

When I was in elementary school they held a Christmas shop in the library where kids could go and buy their little goodies on their own. Rabbit's feet were all the rage.

And that year my parents each were lucky enough to get one each from me.

I think back to the rabbit's feet when I look at the presents my kids got me and I am very thankful that they aren't all the rage anymore.

Actually, they are pretty gross... and I remember that my dog ate more than one...

AB and I have a routine whereby we take the kids shopping and let them pick out whatever they want (within reason) to each of us. And the kids love having picked out and wrapped their own gifts.

Skadi is a good little shopper. But she goes into a store with no preconceived notion about what she is buying for anyone. She likes to browse. She found a nice big brown fuzzy blanket for AB and also a Muppet's t-shirt. Slippers and socks for Aunt Tara.

Leif on the other hand, knows exactly what he wants to get someone and goes in headstrong and unwilling to waver! He insisted on an Angry Birds shirt for AB and also a scarf.

We went to about four different stores in search of the right scarf. So many were "too girly for daddy". But he finally found a green and grey thick wool scarf that by the time we found it I was willing to pay a little more lest we have to go to anymore stores.

For me?

I was the lucky recipient of two tubes of sparkley red and pink lip gloss AND a bottle of green sparkle body mist in case I decide to try out for Elphaba I suppose. I am sure you can guess who gave those to me.

From Leif, I got a crystal duck and a crystal pillar that says "Mom, I love you" and has its own rotating and colored lights base reminiscent of a small disco ball.

AB had a bit of a hard time keeping a straight face as I opened it and Leif looked on beaming with a huge smile.

I asked Leif how he came up with those ideas and he told me that he remembered back to when he got me a bead for my bracelet and how much I liked it and he KNEW that I would love to have a glass duck because of that. Okaaayyyy...

Later on AB told me that he was perplexed when Leif announced that he had to get me a glass duck for Christmas. Maybe I had it easy searching the stores for the "right" scarf? Then he asked me what I thought of the crystal pillar?

"I love it because Leif loves it and it is important to him," I told him.

And secretly I was thinking "AND because it isn't a rabbit's foot!"

Goals?

Phew! Goodbye 2011. It wasn't a bad year here. As all years tend to go, it just went fast. Wasn't 2011 just starting?

One nice thing about working where I do is that learning to write 2012 isn't hard. I have been writing it for three whole months now.

Every year I sent out to do monthly goals. And in the first few months of the year, usually January through May, I really kick butt. Then I either take the summer off, or we tackle a larger project. Then a few more monthly goals in the fall before the Holidays take over. It works for me.

But honestly, I haven't given my monthly goals much thought.

I had a huge list of goals for my just over two weeks off in December and managed to hit all of them (make chicken pot pies, make lefse, make chili, make latkes, make bolognese sauce, clean and organize Leif's closet and room, clean and organize Skadi's room, help AB install the dining room floor) except three. And the three I didn't hit aren't major - I didn't get the trailer cleaned like I had planned. And I didn't get the two planned playdates done with other kids we don't normally have playdates with. Maybe if I got return e-mails from the two other parents, the playdates would have worked out...

So with any luck we will have our dining room completely done on January 1.

My list of things to do during 2012 is long, but not really organized in a monthly fashion...

Empty the office.
Finish painting the office.
Rip up the carpet in the office.
Enable AB to do the floors by fielding the kids for 2-3 days.
Come up with plans for the outdoor kitchen.
Start execution of outdoor kitchen/patio area.
Start purging the baby stuff out of the house (sigh)

Part of my problem is that I am just so blinded by my long list of other stuff...

January:
My birthday weekend
AB's birthday weekend, skiing?
Ski weekend?

February:
Potential travel to Florida and Connecticut
Ski weekend for President's Day

March:
Anniversary weekend
Travel to DC

April:
Leif's Spring Break - Yellowstone in the trailer?
Travel to Tennessee (oh yeah)

May:
Travel to Pittsburgh.

And now it's summer.

Where do I fit in all my to do stuff?