Blah blah blah

It is just a blah day. I just feel reclusive and quiet today. It hasn't been a great day.

Leif didn't sleep well, however, he did eat last night. He has recently decided he doesn't like solid food, mommy milk only. BUT, we did entice him with some banana/berries blend Gerber mix. He thought that was yummy stuff last night. However, wouldn't you know it is PURPLE! Nothing stains like berries.

Ok, so he was a little fussy this morning after a long night. I was just a little tired. You know those occasions where you are having a really cool dream, something wakes you up and you can't get back to the dream? It is so frustrating. Well I had the opposite problem last night. I would wake up, comfort Leif, fall asleep and fall back into the same, monotonous, tedious, awful dream. Ok, it wasn't awful, but it was a perfect exemplification of my frustration with work right now.

In it I would walk into the classified conference room and sitting there would be my project manager, one coworker and a former coworker who I cannot stand. The former coworker starts complaining and being his general disagreeable self about my presence, my general feeling about this project, I feel like I am the biggest misfit and am sick of being treated like admin. My project manager makes a big deal about that I am not supposed to be there, but if I want I can stay he guesses. Yep, more signs of my feeling like a project misfit and indications of my feelings of always being left out and as if I am the third wheel. All the while my coworker who I do like, sits there saying nothing. I keep waiting for him to pipe up and support me, but in the end, as IRL, he goes with the flow.

So everytime I woke up last night, which was frequent, I would fall back asleep into this dream. No wonder I am exhausted today.

I went to telecon first thing this morning only to be jumped on left and right by a guy on the other side. He was being an inconsiderate jerk. My team backed me up, but it still made me feel inept and as though I am not being thorough in my work, which bugs me. I am extremely thorough. At the end he asked if I was still there, I said yes, and he apologized profusely for the way he treated me and said he felt guilty for being such a jerk. Well he should feel guilty.

I needed some quiet time after that so I worked in the lab working on wiring up a thermal controller. I worked and worked on it, determined to make it work. It wouldn't. I took it to my former team lead and now fellow scientist. I was prepared to tell him exactly all the tests I did and what happened. He didn't need to hear it, he trusted my judgment and tossed it in the trash. I went to my office and ordered a few new ones.

While I was placing my order my former manager, I still have yet to meet my new current manager one on one, came to my office. It appears that *I* am the matter of great concern among my division. He didn't close my door, so I didn't worry too much about this being a bad thing... but still it peaked my interest. I am one of three people that the division leaders met to discuss. It appears that my former manager, former team lead, division leader and current manager have outlined a career path they would like to see me follow. He told me that if it doesn't sit well, or I have concerns to let him know. He really reitterated to me that he wants to stay involved in my career path as much as possible and that he is there for me. It was so nice to hear that.

My crystal ball is propped up in front of me and through the haze I see my manager sitting across from me, I can't tell if it is my office or hers, but she is telling me that I need to dump Jim's project if I want a promotion. Now what is hazy in my crystal ball is if she is actually offering to help me find a project to fill said booted project or if she is giving me her advice and turning me lose to find my own way. Also hazy is the timeframe... is this to happen next week, next month, or over the next two years?

Surprised? Nope. I fully expect to hear this. Why? It's true. My career path under Jim is sketchy at best. I don't care for what I am doing, I don't feel important, I don't feel valued. I am ignored and expected to guess what is expected of me. I am not part of the boys club. Why should I stay on this project? I see no good reason. They don't stand up for me, they don't push for my promotion, they don't praise nor offer incentives for success. They suck.

I don't know why I was ever hired to start with. I mean really, my background was not commensurate with what they wanted me to do. I was easier to hire than a technician. But here I sit functioning as a technician/administrator. I didn't get my Ph.D. to order tubing, or to be in charge of purchasing equipment for the engineers. I have got to move on... how to do that is the only question. I don't even worry about hurting anyone's feelings anymore. Just give me a charge code.

Is it time to go home yet? I felt horrible leaving Leif at lunch today. He cried and cried. He is having a rough day too. I think I need to go home now. Bye!