Why torment myself?

I mean why, in the neighboring tab, would I even open the salary schedule? I have looked at it over and over. Nothing about that changes what I make or that I was not promoted.

Speaking of torment... exactly how much caffeine should I have in a day? Not as much as I had today. Combine that with adrenaline of a fast paced meeting analyzing statistical data and I have been zipping around in my head at 500 mph. I am headed for a big crash in about 30 minutes I have a feeling.

So a 2 hour meeting this morning about how to statistically analyze a serious amount of data. I have pounded it through, so did R and C. C and I not only came to about the same conclusions, but our data mirrored each others. That made me feel good. R had taken a different approach. So while C, R and I compared and tried to compare and decipher our results. T and D, who hadn't looked at the data previously, contemplated it at a higher level by simply absorbing the data through the oils in their fingers and transforming it into matrices and vectors and unknowns variables.

5 years ago I felt smart. I was on top of my game. I questioned what was written in my textbooks when I got a different answer. And you know, I was frequently right! I wasn't afraid to speak up and challenge or offer differing ideas. Because I was very smart, one of the brightest in my class - or so I thought at least.

Fast forward to now and things have changed. I work with some of the smartest people in the world. I have to work hard to keep up with them intellectually. It is very humbling. I love it, but it sure keeps me grounded.

Speaking of keeping myself grounded... I went and saw Leif at lunch. I was hoping I could relax spending some time with him. Slow my mind down a little since it was still flying from my meeting earlier. Nope... I wore off on him or something. He was a spazo baby! He nursed, then played, then nursed, then stood, then nursed, then laughed. I could relate. Stress does that to me, I can't stay focused and become an amazing multi-tasker.

Sometimes I think it would be super awesome to be a stay at home mom. Then I realize how much I would miss interactions and data analysis, especially on days like today when we are making actual big steps with outstanding results. What kills it for me and makes me think I would be better as a SAHM is when I have to work on my other project where I am treated as the intellectual equal to the administrators in my group.

Remember that crash I was talking about... it is hitting.