Tuesday, June 05, 2007

On my own

Leif and daddy are off to “Laska” tonight. This was a last minute trip, tickets bought with just minutes left in that 7 day advanced fare purchase price. Leif is starting to have a concept of the fact that he is going on a trip, going on an airplane and that just because we say it right now, it isn’t something he is doing in the immediate future. The thing he doesn’t understand (and is probably going to be a huge point of contention) is the fact that it is just he and daddy traveling. Even though we keep talking about he and daddy going on a trip, I just don’t really think he gets it.

AB was up much of the night worrying he told me. I am not sure what he is worrying about, though he did admit to me last night after Leif had a meltdown about not doing something with me, that he wasn’t sure this trip was the best idea in the world. I see worry in his eyes.

I am positive he is going to do fine. Leif is going to get up there and have so many people fawning over him, he will do just fine. I am sure he will have his moments, and there will be lots of cell phone calls to mommy. (If there aren’t, I am going to feel neglected.) But I really and truly believe that this will be a good trip for Leif and AB.

I have mixed feelings about it all. This week I feel as though I have three children; a 10 week old, a nearly three year old, and an 84 year old. It is true that life comes full circle. Last night I served up Leif, then my grandmother. I cut up Leif’s food, then I cut up my grandmother’s. I worry about what my grandmother is going to say and do in public (example… walking by the Mennonites in the airport, “ARE THEY AMISH?” Feeling very thankful that at least Leif doesn’t currently speak very loudly in public.) In that aspect, I am looking forward to AB taking Leif for a few days so I can focus on giving my grandmother the one on one attention she craves. Then the selfish part of me really looks forward to those three nights where it is just going to be Skadi and me.

The flip side comes with times like this morning where Leif is in a needy, fragile place. I was laying in bed with him hugging him as he was recovering from a bad dream (birds were on top of the house and they were biting him) and all he wanted was me. I know those days are limited to a certain degree, someday he isn’t going to want his mom laying in bed kissing his forehead.

Oh, then there is the worry. Something happened when I had kids. Human fragility replaced invincibility. Ok, as I have aged, invincibility has decreased over the years. However, it was completely wiped out with the birth of my son. I am finding it just completely unfair that I am saddled with this knowledge of how frail life can be just as my son is starting to seek independence. White hairs are creeping up. I worry about everything with this trip… plane crashes, car accidents, someone not paying attention as he ventures to the lake at the cabin, him ingesting something he shouldn’t, he might choke on a Goldfish cracker, or be abducted by aliens. (Kidding.) The need to protect him runs strong and the feeling that *I* am the only one who can do this is not easily squashed.

They will be fine. They will be fine. They will be fine.

And when I get past all the worry and missing him (oh and AB too will be missed), I will enjoy the one on one time with Skadi. There are chunky thighs that must be munched. Very.chunky.thighs. (So very sorry for genetics there Skadi Bean.)

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