Project that is. Out of money. Spent. Kaput. Nada. And this project is a prime example of mismanagement, nothing to show for this year’s effort. The project manager role was offered to me earlier in the year and I declined mostly because 50% of the project was completely mind-boggling to me. I was tempted, but since I have never quite been able to figure out what they were trying to do I just couldn’t accept it. And I don’t think I am *that* stupid. Apparently neither could the external review committee as they instructed that if there was to be funding for FY07, then this “task” needed to go by the wayside.
We had a nice, quiet weekend. Ordered Thai food on Friday. Saturday we ran a number of errands, including buying Leif a tricycle at Toys R Us from AB and I for his birthday this coming Saturday. Of course at TRU he showed absolutely no interest in a tricycle, but oogled at the big kids “cycles”. While there I also let him spend his $30 gift cards from grandpa. My intention was to let him spend “some” of it. The other portion I was insisting on using for a bicycle helmet, something practical. Might as well get him in the habit early. We found the perfect bike helmet and knee pads with Sesame Street characters on it. Then Leif decided he was going shopping with the remaining.
My determination is that independence does not always need to be fostered. Because we really did NOT need a 3 foot long plastic dump truck that cost $9.99. He has two (albeit much smaller ones) already that he doesn’t use. He was pointed gently instead to GeoTrax expansions and Play-Doh.
Of course we headed off to Target afterwards only to find a tricycle that we liked far better and for $10 cheaper. (AB said he would return the other this week.) Apparently, despite the fact that it was 107-110F this weekend and yesterday, it isn’t the proper season for buying lawn sprinklers for kids to play in. Target had either a slip and slide (too old for Leif), or an infant/toddler Elmo sprinkler. I was tempted to go with the Elmo sprinkler, but I know my boy well enough to know that he will treat it exactly as he does the spray nozzle on the hose… pick it up and run with it. I want something stationary, that he will run through. Not something that he can chase me around the yard with.
A quick trip to Costco and home to vege in our air conditioned house. That afternoon we ran to get groceries then came home and made salmon fish tacos that were quite spectacular.
Sunday morning was C’s birthday party. We had a really nice time at their house. The kids played in the pools and ate watermelon. Then when the heat became intolerable we headed inside to visit, munch, eat cake, sing and watch C open her presents. A good time was had by all.
Sunday afternoon we lazed around the house, it was too hot to even clean. Thai chicken pizza for dinner and we ventured to the yard at about 7pm. No relief from the heat, but at least it was a change of scenery.
This week is progressing as usual. I am working on a white paper proposal that has to go out tomorrow, 1-2 pages. Easy right? Not when you are starting with a 13 page proposal and cutting to get to that 1-2 page limit. A bunch of data analysis work to do whereby I am struggling with the question of baseline correction… do I baseline correct this data or not and how does that affect “the answer”. The graphs are so much prettier corrected, but how many counts do I lose doing this and does that drop my efficiency too far.
TV, for the summer, is amazingly not boring this year. We finished watching all the Desperate Housewives we had recorded on the computer and are working on clearing the Grey’s Anatomy cue. I can hereby admit my obsession with Big Brother that I have had since season one. I know, pitiful. AB watches it as well and claims to be able to stop anytime… I don’t kid myself with such delusions. AB has some sci-fi shows that have resumed seasons that he is into. The best thing on right now is Entourage, which we watch faithfully. Take Sex and the City, sex changes all around and move them to the west coast, wa la Entourage. The best thing on network TV? Anyone see “How I Met Your Mother”? AB and I are really into that and have been catching all the reruns. I always liked Friends but couldn’t ever relate *that* well. I relate here. Recent college grads starting out life as professionals. Doogie Howser plays a lawyer and appears to be a most excellent young future Denny Crane. Who knew Doogie would play such a great scumball. AB and I are frightened by how much Lilly and Marshall remind us of ourselves 7-8 years ago, except I don’t think I was ever *that* skinny outside of high school.
I know, it isn’t cool to enjoy watching TV. Your brain turns to mush in front of the TV. Yadda yadda yadda. It’s a form of entertainment. We never forego actual interactions with friends in favor of TV (that’s what Tivo is for). (Oh hey, I used the word Tivo! That means I am going to get put on that weird Tivo list that logs every blog that mentions Tivo. Tivo! Tivo! Tivo! Thank you Site Meter for pointing this out to me.) I like veging in front of the TV with a book or magazine. I like the comedy. I like the drama. I like the local evening news. And yes, I like Big Brother too, damn it! There it is, shun me if you please.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Hot
I am learning to like the heat and to enjoy all the wonderful things that summer offers in this area. But I don’t expect I will ever, and I do mean ever, come to accept or tolerate 110F weather. This just makes me sick to my stomach. It is to the point it isn’t even safe to let my son go out and play in the afternoon when he wakes up from nap. The dog (big black shaggy thing) has not been walked in days because it is still above 100F in the evenings for her walk. She does go about as far as the mailbox and back only to return and collapse on the tile entryway.
AB and I did smarten up though and follow her lead… laying on the cold tile entryway really does feel nice. Too bad it is so hard.
Our air conditioner is struggling to keep up and last night our thermostat said 80F. We had a first of the season routine maintenance which indicated no foreseeable problems. So I am crossing my fingers that we aren’t starting down the road to no air conditioner.
Leif has been taking his baths outside in his pool the last three nights. He gets to “swim” (because there is evidently a huge difference between his kiddie pool and the bathtub) and I get a clean boy. Freaky thing about it is that at the end of the day, the pool water is warmer than his bathwater. Oh and did I mention that I can actually wash and RINSE his hair in the pool, whereas in the tub the neighbors can hear him scream bloody murder when his hair is rinsed.
Gah. Did I mention it is hot? Miserably, ugly, sickeningly hot.
AB and I did smarten up though and follow her lead… laying on the cold tile entryway really does feel nice. Too bad it is so hard.
Our air conditioner is struggling to keep up and last night our thermostat said 80F. We had a first of the season routine maintenance which indicated no foreseeable problems. So I am crossing my fingers that we aren’t starting down the road to no air conditioner.
Leif has been taking his baths outside in his pool the last three nights. He gets to “swim” (because there is evidently a huge difference between his kiddie pool and the bathtub) and I get a clean boy. Freaky thing about it is that at the end of the day, the pool water is warmer than his bathwater. Oh and did I mention that I can actually wash and RINSE his hair in the pool, whereas in the tub the neighbors can hear him scream bloody murder when his hair is rinsed.
Gah. Did I mention it is hot? Miserably, ugly, sickeningly hot.
Friday, July 21, 2006
TGIF
Seriously! Good news is that I have some more work, data analysis, my favorite! It will be extensive and require me to sit at my desk with TORI in one hand. But it will yield a paper. I have done my preliminary data preparation to get it in the form I like to work it in and that is acceptable to the programs I use, instead of the funky output that the local software guys decided was appropriate. They apparently never consulted a scientist. So I played IT specialist this afternoon messing with outputs.
I got preliminary word to go ahead with my collaboration with a prof from a regional university. He is going to collect data on my advice, send the data to me to analyze, then he and I will decide if we can publish it at least. All of this without a contract or exchange of funds. Scratching each other’s backs I suppose… but I have seen pictures of him, he looks like the type with a VERY hairy back. Eww.
Let’s see… new Leif antics. We have harvested our first tomatoes of the year. Yum. I picked about five as Leif whined and whined “bite” to me. I tried to convince him they were not strawberries or rappies (raspberries). He didn’t care. So the other night as we went out on our walk, I munched on a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich and Leif ate a tomato as we walked. Strange child wants nothing to do with ice cream – I think the cold freaks him out. He ate the entire Roma tomato and every few steps told us how good it was. I was very careful in my response to him… he is so picky I am fearful of turning him off any foods.
We went to a BBQ last night and survived. Leif is such high energy I still worry about him freaking out or his toddler antics irritating people. And being that we knew relatively few of the BBQ attendees, I was nervous about this. He did well. A little obnoxious with hauling lawn animal ornaments all up onto the porch and announcing their names and sounds. He wasn’t interested in eating a whole lot, until the watermelon (gag) came out. I never buy watermelon because I don’t like it, I find the flavor very strong (says the girl who loves blue cheese, yes, I know… weird). Leif was particularly thrilled though with watermelon, even going so far as to steal our friends rind and nibble off hers.
Here is the one, slightly more horrifying move of the night. Leif needed his watermelon on a paper plate. He took his paper plate and uninvited, made himself at home in between two people we just met, on a narrow two person seat. Plopped himself down right between them. Then proceeded to drop the watermelon on the woman’s white pants. Horrified. Me. I didn’t know what to do, offer to pay for dry cleaning? (Which is what we did when he flung a ketchup covered plate at Red Robin onto a girls lap at the neighboring table, again horrifying.) She did say, no it was fine, it would wash. Still ugh.
This weekend we have loads of errands, Farmer’s Market, Target, TRU, Costco, grocery store and Home Depot. We also have a toddler birthday party on Sunday morning. K&V are having C’s 2nd party a week early since they head out on vacation the following weekend. At least here, four other kids will be in the same age group and so Leif’s antics shouldn’t stand out quite so much. I am a little worried about Leif when C opens her presents. Lately he is particularly enamored with presents. This stems from the Ernie Potty book where Ernie gets a present (guess what is in the big box?). On that page in particular Leif gets a twinkle in his eye and tells me he will howp open it. The other day when his birthday goodies arrived wrapped in green paper I thought he was going to do cartwheels he was so excited. Our gift in particular I am nervous about C opening. Leif has found it a few times in my (apparently) really stupid hiding places. Each time he finds them (yes, he got one too) he brings it out and excitedly tells us “I do this!” We take it away amidst much screaming. This time AB put them in the top of our closet where Leif stares longingly. Not hidden, but not accessible either. We probably should have just forgone all this agony and just let him have his when it arrived.
This morning I dropped Leif at daycare, he ran in, put his lunch away and then sprinted to the art corner where he immediately grabbed the play-doh tray and set to work. I had to beg him for a kiss bye bye. He kissed and then told me, “I like this!” and pointed to the Play-Doh. Yes, dear boy, I liked that too when I was little. Another thing added to the Target list.
I got preliminary word to go ahead with my collaboration with a prof from a regional university. He is going to collect data on my advice, send the data to me to analyze, then he and I will decide if we can publish it at least. All of this without a contract or exchange of funds. Scratching each other’s backs I suppose… but I have seen pictures of him, he looks like the type with a VERY hairy back. Eww.
Let’s see… new Leif antics. We have harvested our first tomatoes of the year. Yum. I picked about five as Leif whined and whined “bite” to me. I tried to convince him they were not strawberries or rappies (raspberries). He didn’t care. So the other night as we went out on our walk, I munched on a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich and Leif ate a tomato as we walked. Strange child wants nothing to do with ice cream – I think the cold freaks him out. He ate the entire Roma tomato and every few steps told us how good it was. I was very careful in my response to him… he is so picky I am fearful of turning him off any foods.
We went to a BBQ last night and survived. Leif is such high energy I still worry about him freaking out or his toddler antics irritating people. And being that we knew relatively few of the BBQ attendees, I was nervous about this. He did well. A little obnoxious with hauling lawn animal ornaments all up onto the porch and announcing their names and sounds. He wasn’t interested in eating a whole lot, until the watermelon (gag) came out. I never buy watermelon because I don’t like it, I find the flavor very strong (says the girl who loves blue cheese, yes, I know… weird). Leif was particularly thrilled though with watermelon, even going so far as to steal our friends rind and nibble off hers.
Here is the one, slightly more horrifying move of the night. Leif needed his watermelon on a paper plate. He took his paper plate and uninvited, made himself at home in between two people we just met, on a narrow two person seat. Plopped himself down right between them. Then proceeded to drop the watermelon on the woman’s white pants. Horrified. Me. I didn’t know what to do, offer to pay for dry cleaning? (Which is what we did when he flung a ketchup covered plate at Red Robin onto a girls lap at the neighboring table, again horrifying.) She did say, no it was fine, it would wash. Still ugh.
This weekend we have loads of errands, Farmer’s Market, Target, TRU, Costco, grocery store and Home Depot. We also have a toddler birthday party on Sunday morning. K&V are having C’s 2nd party a week early since they head out on vacation the following weekend. At least here, four other kids will be in the same age group and so Leif’s antics shouldn’t stand out quite so much. I am a little worried about Leif when C opens her presents. Lately he is particularly enamored with presents. This stems from the Ernie Potty book where Ernie gets a present (guess what is in the big box?). On that page in particular Leif gets a twinkle in his eye and tells me he will howp open it. The other day when his birthday goodies arrived wrapped in green paper I thought he was going to do cartwheels he was so excited. Our gift in particular I am nervous about C opening. Leif has found it a few times in my (apparently) really stupid hiding places. Each time he finds them (yes, he got one too) he brings it out and excitedly tells us “I do this!” We take it away amidst much screaming. This time AB put them in the top of our closet where Leif stares longingly. Not hidden, but not accessible either. We probably should have just forgone all this agony and just let him have his when it arrived.
This morning I dropped Leif at daycare, he ran in, put his lunch away and then sprinted to the art corner where he immediately grabbed the play-doh tray and set to work. I had to beg him for a kiss bye bye. He kissed and then told me, “I like this!” and pointed to the Play-Doh. Yes, dear boy, I liked that too when I was little. Another thing added to the Target list.
Bummer to the n-1
Phone call this morning from the PI of the project that was cut.
PI: “Hi NM, just thought I would tell you that I was told the remaining money for FY06 to finish up our projects has been retracted by the initiative manager. Another project needs more money and he doesn’t care if we finish up or not. The subcontracts you are working on setting up with the university need to be cancelled asap. I am so sorry that I can’t continue to fund your work for the rest of the fiscal year.”
Damn
PI: “Hi NM, just thought I would tell you that I was told the remaining money for FY06 to finish up our projects has been retracted by the initiative manager. Another project needs more money and he doesn’t care if we finish up or not. The subcontracts you are working on setting up with the university need to be cancelled asap. I am so sorry that I can’t continue to fund your work for the rest of the fiscal year.”
Damn
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
So proud of my boy!
Reading is a huge part of my life. I love reading. I grew up an avid reader and devoured every book I could get my hands on. When I was a kid, there wasn’t always money for every whim and want, but there was always money for a book.
Leif has a ton of books from us, from my mom, from our friends. Books are the most awesome gift to give. He has gotten to the stage where I love letting him pick out a book at the bookstore. He does pretty well at picking out what he wants.
AB and I were in the kitchen the other day picking up and chatting. We realized Leif wasn’t around, underfoot, or begging for a movie. We walked into his room and there he was, sitting in the big comfy chair in his room, with a stack of books next to him, “reading”. I was so proud of him!
Leif has a ton of books from us, from my mom, from our friends. Books are the most awesome gift to give. He has gotten to the stage where I love letting him pick out a book at the bookstore. He does pretty well at picking out what he wants.
AB and I were in the kitchen the other day picking up and chatting. We realized Leif wasn’t around, underfoot, or begging for a movie. We walked into his room and there he was, sitting in the big comfy chair in his room, with a stack of books next to him, “reading”. I was so proud of him!
Pending
I am sitting on pins and needles as I wait to hear about proposals. Ok, so I only have one that I am actually waiting to hear on. The other two haven’t even been submitted yet. Gah. After hearing yesterday that one of my projects was cut I made a phone call and got some face time with one of the managers that listens (or not) to your great ideas, tells you how wonderful you are (or not), and then hands you a pile of cash (or not).
I went to him with three decent, albeit farfetched, ideas. One had already been formulated into a large proposal this spring, but difficulties were encountered in filing it and the company backed down on sending it out due to internal issues. The second was just a “I did some work on this for a couple months, sound interesting?” idea. The last was my farfetched surface analysis proposal that I submitted as a white paper earlier this year and yielded the statement “good idea” from the reviewers.
I had expected the middle one would be of interest since it was directly in line with one of the section calls. It was poo poo’d. The third was the one I was hopeful about but they always ask me “what are the limits of detection” and “how is this better than what we already have”. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t know, truly I don’t. But it is a great idea!! Ok, so maybe it is a good idea.
It was the first idea that stood out to the manager. The one that falls directly under the little line that says “ideas supporting XXX will not be accepted for this call”. I knew it supported this agency, that is who the proposal was supposed to go out to a few months ago. I more was doing my part in exercising this as one of my capabilities and putting word out there. The manager told me to send it off to the XXX manager, if he wants to push it, they will support it. Preliminary word back is that there is an interest and it has been deemed potential high impact. Which is what you want to see written on any proposal review.
Cross your fingers for me, send me good vibes. The LAST thing I want to do is go searching for projects to start working on as of October 1.
I went to him with three decent, albeit farfetched, ideas. One had already been formulated into a large proposal this spring, but difficulties were encountered in filing it and the company backed down on sending it out due to internal issues. The second was just a “I did some work on this for a couple months, sound interesting?” idea. The last was my farfetched surface analysis proposal that I submitted as a white paper earlier this year and yielded the statement “good idea” from the reviewers.
I had expected the middle one would be of interest since it was directly in line with one of the section calls. It was poo poo’d. The third was the one I was hopeful about but they always ask me “what are the limits of detection” and “how is this better than what we already have”. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t know, truly I don’t. But it is a great idea!! Ok, so maybe it is a good idea.
It was the first idea that stood out to the manager. The one that falls directly under the little line that says “ideas supporting XXX will not be accepted for this call”. I knew it supported this agency, that is who the proposal was supposed to go out to a few months ago. I more was doing my part in exercising this as one of my capabilities and putting word out there. The manager told me to send it off to the XXX manager, if he wants to push it, they will support it. Preliminary word back is that there is an interest and it has been deemed potential high impact. Which is what you want to see written on any proposal review.
Cross your fingers for me, send me good vibes. The LAST thing I want to do is go searching for projects to start working on as of October 1.
The big ball has bounced...
And not in my direction.
So much for being fully funded next year. I am going to be officially looking for projects to work on next fiscal year. I have one proposal pending out there, but I am not sure that is enough IF it comes through. I was hoping that proposal would put me at the 110% committed level. I have one proposal to write and so apparently I need to kick that up a notch (bye bye amiable NM) and push Miss Pink Post-Doc aside to ensure I am the one that gets the go ahead. There is another proposal where I am listed as a key collaborator, but I don’t expect my expertise will be required immediately. I find it best to maintain myself slightly over committed because inevitably there is downtime on projects. Like right now for me, as I wait for contracts to come through and equipment to arrive. I hate downtime.
My one and only true surface science project, that I was really hoping would sweep me back in to the surface science world, was cancelled after one year. The lifecycle was scheduled to be three years. There is never a guarantee for funding the entire lifecycle of a project, but man it sucks when it is just cut. As usual with these kinds of projects I truly believe that it was an issue of the reviewers just not understanding the jist of what we were trying to do. They didn’t see it as integral to the project suite, but I do. I fear they have missed the point. Unfortunately I never read a copy of the final proposal. I submitted my section to the PI and he compiled and submitted it, never copying Wang and I (the task leads). I worry that he didn’t make a strong enough case.
I am keeping my mouth shut for now. I would like to meet with my mentor and see if he has suggestions on the best way to approach this situation. But I need to do this after next Monday… where I won’t appear to be whining to him to fund my proposal I submitted to him.
Gag. I am so not looking forward to trying to find work for next year, for a few reasons.
To be continued at a later date…
So much for being fully funded next year. I am going to be officially looking for projects to work on next fiscal year. I have one proposal pending out there, but I am not sure that is enough IF it comes through. I was hoping that proposal would put me at the 110% committed level. I have one proposal to write and so apparently I need to kick that up a notch (bye bye amiable NM) and push Miss Pink Post-Doc aside to ensure I am the one that gets the go ahead. There is another proposal where I am listed as a key collaborator, but I don’t expect my expertise will be required immediately. I find it best to maintain myself slightly over committed because inevitably there is downtime on projects. Like right now for me, as I wait for contracts to come through and equipment to arrive. I hate downtime.
My one and only true surface science project, that I was really hoping would sweep me back in to the surface science world, was cancelled after one year. The lifecycle was scheduled to be three years. There is never a guarantee for funding the entire lifecycle of a project, but man it sucks when it is just cut. As usual with these kinds of projects I truly believe that it was an issue of the reviewers just not understanding the jist of what we were trying to do. They didn’t see it as integral to the project suite, but I do. I fear they have missed the point. Unfortunately I never read a copy of the final proposal. I submitted my section to the PI and he compiled and submitted it, never copying Wang and I (the task leads). I worry that he didn’t make a strong enough case.
I am keeping my mouth shut for now. I would like to meet with my mentor and see if he has suggestions on the best way to approach this situation. But I need to do this after next Monday… where I won’t appear to be whining to him to fund my proposal I submitted to him.
Gag. I am so not looking forward to trying to find work for next year, for a few reasons.
To be continued at a later date…
Monday, July 17, 2006
Just waiting for CPS to make a call
AB called when he got Leif home from daycare. Background: Leif scratched his hand sometime this morning and it was bleeding, we have no idea how. I put a Nemo bandage on it.
AB: "So I guess Leif's owee was a huge deal at daycare today."
NM: "Yeah he had shown his two teachers before I left today."
AB: "The kids all admired it too, repeatedly."
NM: "Ha!"
AB: "They asked him how he did it."
NM: "And what did he say?"
AB: "Mommy did it."
NM: "No seriously, what did he say?"
AB: "Seriously, he told them you did it!"
NM: "Brat."
AB: "So I guess Leif's owee was a huge deal at daycare today."
NM: "Yeah he had shown his two teachers before I left today."
AB: "The kids all admired it too, repeatedly."
NM: "Ha!"
AB: "They asked him how he did it."
NM: "And what did he say?"
AB: "Mommy did it."
NM: "No seriously, what did he say?"
AB: "Seriously, he told them you did it!"
NM: "Brat."
Thursday, July 13, 2006
And on a lighter note...
We Tivo Little Einsteins for Leif. I appreciate the classical music and the art, as well as the exposure to different places, kids that are smart and can do anything and solve missions. Leif likes it and sings along and pats along with the tunes. This is kind of Leif's and AB's thing to watch together when they get home from daycare at 3:30pm and it is still 100F out. They watch Little Einsteins.
I hadn't seen an episode in a long time and had one playing for Leif last weekend. The credits started to roll and Leif started shrieking NO! AB tells me that no, I cannot in fact shut it off now, his favorite part is coming up. Favorite part? The show is over.
Well the show is only 24 minutes long, so to fill the 30 minute time slot they have to do something. AB then says "didn't I tell you about this train thing that is like porn star turned child entertainer?"
Umm no. You didn't. What the??
Up on the screen Choo Choo Soul starts up. Leif starts freaking out screaming choo choo and dancing. Evidently Choo Choo Soul is the real reward for sitting through the somewhat educational (or so I tell myself) Little Einsteins with daddy.
I probably wouldn't have such a hard time with it if it weren't for AB's comment about porn star turned child entertainer. No, he has no such evidence for this... so no heading to the website to see if any of you guys can identify her. *Sigh*
Apparently Choo Choo Soul is just a little guy secret daddy and Leif have
been keeping from mommy. I am sure it won't be the last.
I hadn't seen an episode in a long time and had one playing for Leif last weekend. The credits started to roll and Leif started shrieking NO! AB tells me that no, I cannot in fact shut it off now, his favorite part is coming up. Favorite part? The show is over.
Well the show is only 24 minutes long, so to fill the 30 minute time slot they have to do something. AB then says "didn't I tell you about this train thing that is like porn star turned child entertainer?"
Umm no. You didn't. What the??
Up on the screen Choo Choo Soul starts up. Leif starts freaking out screaming choo choo and dancing. Evidently Choo Choo Soul is the real reward for sitting through the somewhat educational (or so I tell myself) Little Einsteins with daddy.
I probably wouldn't have such a hard time with it if it weren't for AB's comment about porn star turned child entertainer. No, he has no such evidence for this... so no heading to the website to see if any of you guys can identify her. *Sigh*
Apparently Choo Choo Soul is just a little guy secret daddy and Leif have
been keeping from mommy. I am sure it won't be the last.
Science and Gender
Today a woman I work with sent me an e-mail about a male transgendered scientist (Barres) who wrote about his experience in science as a woman. He wrote a piece in Nature magazine denouncing a recent assertion by a couple of Harvard professors that essentially women by nature have a lower capacity for understanding math and science and so the gender gap isn’t all that surprising. Barres is obviously in a unique position as a transgendered individual who spent his early career as a woman in science and later career as a man.
The recent articles today have had me thinking a lot about the issues that women in science face. Throughout my life I have run up against plenty of gender disparity with regards to my career choice. Why did I persist? It wasn’t that people told me I couldn’t do it. No, my self-confidence was never that great. It was that people told me I COULD do it.
I remember as a kid when someone asked me what I wanted to be. I said I wanted to be a nurse. My grandmother, a nurse, piped up and said, “no you don’t, you want to be a doctor!” From then on, I wanted to be a doctor, then an astronaut, then a doctor… But for the most part, I always wanted to go into science. I had some really fantastic teachers who always encouraged me, never told me I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. Furthermore, my parents stood behind me 100% in my interests and aspirations. They only wanted for me to be a success in whatever I wanted to do.
I had a main rival in grade school named Dawn. She and I were constantly the top scores in math and science. The first ones done with everything and done perfectly. We were fiercely competitive, to the point I remember her refusing to surrender her place in line in front of me to have our math quizzes graded when she needed to go to the bathroom. Yep, you know what came next.
It wasn’t two boys in our class that were the top of the class in math and science through grade school. Nope, two little girls.
My first experience with the word geek was when I was in 7th grade and I was so excited to join the computer club and learn LOGO. I loved computer club and never knew there was anything “wrong” with it until a woman that worked with my mom, whose son was *the most popular boy* in my junior high was having a party. I found out he wasn’t going to invite me to the party because I was a computer geek. Days later I quit the computer club and gave up one of the things I really really loved.
I decided at that point that I didn’t want to be smart anymore, I wanted to be one of the girls that the boys liked and that beating them at math scores and computer competitions was not going to be my route to that particular end goal.
I graduated from high school with decent enough grades, decent enough that I could get into any state supported university I wanted, I didn't apply private knowing I didn't have the money. I did this without trying and hanging out with people who didn’t know or care what classes I was in. They probably thought the reason I wasn’t in classes with them was because I was skipping.
I worked my way through college for a dermatologist. He served as a mentor to me and I often babysat his kids. One weekend his son asked me what I was studying at college and I told him pre-med, so I could be a doctor like his dad. He laughed at me and said, “No really, women can’t be doctors!” The little boy was in 3rd grade and I was shocked. He got an earful about that women can do anything they want and probably still remembers it. But really, it wasn't his fault. It was his parent's fault. I left there feeling more sorry for his little sister who was in kindergarten, and probably believed that her brother was right. My first inkling that my childhood was probably different than most other little girls was here.
My first real exposure to gender disparity in science came when I interviewed for grad school at Colorado State University. It was my first real interview of such and I never felt more like I was taking up someone’s valuable time than I did there. At first I didn’t see this as gender bias, but throughout the day it became evident. A man was also interviewing the same day I was. I was taken to lunch by a female grad student. She was not kind with her words about being a woman in that department and I believe it was no coincidence that we went to the same place for lunch as did the man who was interviewing. Only two professors escorted him to lunch.
Later that afternoon, I was meeting with the chair of the inorganic chemistry group and I asked him what classes I could be expected to teach? He responded that I would teach Chem 101. Would I ever teach an upper division class? “Not likely, women TA’s just aren’t as well received as men among the student body”. I will never forget that line as long as I live. I remember having a break in my schedule and calling my mom on a payphone nearly crying, telling her I did not want to come to school here and wasn't sure I really wanted to go to grad school. I was so close to walking out the door at that point, but for some reason I continued the day. I left, never feeling more dejected in my entire life.
My other grad school interviews were nothing like that and I ended up at a school with an amazing ratio of women faculty, THREE in a department of 12. Wow, one in four profs was a woman. So advanced were I thought. My class was 50% female to start out. But in the end, I was the only female to graduate with a Ph.D. in my class. Only one man dropped out. Why did the others leave? One was just a stupid dumbshit who on the first day proclaimed to us all that the periodic chart should be just made into a square box, the shape was just too funky. She gave a bad name to the rest of the women in the class. One transferred because she felt sexually harassed by her advisor. Two married and quit because they wanted to be wives and moms and not really scientists. (Both of them were not from the US.) And one other took her Masters and decided to go to work and earn some real money.
Oh and my second semester I taught upper division lab. I never really had any trouble garnering respect from my students. I had one student threaten me physically and I do not believe that he would have done so with a male TA. But he was psycho anyways. Otherwise, female students were often inspired by me (or so I was told) and my male students found me to be a quality TA (as shown by my teaching ratings) and the fact that I was awarded both department and university wide teaching awards. I won a research award at a national conference beating out many men from top universities. By the time I finished grad school I had my self confidence. I was as smart as the men around and had no problem proving it.
I interviewed at a company in Silicon Valley where the head of human resources asked me how my husband would feel about leaving Reno? Would he have ever asked that of a man?
Real life as a scientist has beaten me back down over the past few years. And you know this if you have read my blog. I work in an incredibly tolerant setting for a company with a very accepting and diverse philosophy. However, it is the individuals where this acceptance does not always resonate. Sexual Harassment training is scoffed at and joked about among the men I work with. It’s a joke to them. They all see nothing wrong with their behaviors. When I worked in the lab routinely, there was nothing wrong with them walking into the lab I worked in, seeing me and saying "Hi honey, I am home!" Despite the fact that I am a married woman and that line dripped of "she's the little woman of the group" to me. I wasn't invited to lunch with the guys and on every deployment (five while I was on that project) I was cut at the last minute for "lack of funds". None of the men were ever cut.
I jumped at a chance to leave my former group (run by a man) that had 75 staff members, three of whom were female scientists out of the nearly 50 scientist level staff. I endured being treated as an admin, not having an office when my male counterparts at the same level and with less experience than I did. I was told I would have to pump in the bathroom when I expressed concern about not having a place to pump when I would come back from maternity leave. When I said there were no outlets in the bathroom my manager told me to buy a battery pack. And I was passed over for a promotion because (I believe) I was on maternity leave. I was also removed as PI on a funded project, because I was on maternity leave. This was admited to me recently. Yet, my current team lead still cannot fathom why I made the switch to my current group, when I have so little in common research-wise with most of them. I have yet to tell him it is because my new manager is a woman. Since moving, I can honestly say that I have experienced, within my line management, no discrimination. We won’t talk about projects… but I am starting to hold my own. Although I will say that I believe I have had to work harder than my male counterparts to get to the same place.
It is different everywhere, many women cite no problems with being a woman in science.
What does this say to me? Two things. To encourage girls to pursue their interests in science we need parents and teachers to encourage them, give them praise and show them options. Once those little girls become women of science we need to treat them with respect, equality, and do our best to compare achievements with a blind eye to gender. We need to not be afraid to confront people who say and do stupid things. And we need to raise our little boys and girls with the belief that boys and girls can do anything they want to in life without bounds.
The recent articles today have had me thinking a lot about the issues that women in science face. Throughout my life I have run up against plenty of gender disparity with regards to my career choice. Why did I persist? It wasn’t that people told me I couldn’t do it. No, my self-confidence was never that great. It was that people told me I COULD do it.
I remember as a kid when someone asked me what I wanted to be. I said I wanted to be a nurse. My grandmother, a nurse, piped up and said, “no you don’t, you want to be a doctor!” From then on, I wanted to be a doctor, then an astronaut, then a doctor… But for the most part, I always wanted to go into science. I had some really fantastic teachers who always encouraged me, never told me I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. Furthermore, my parents stood behind me 100% in my interests and aspirations. They only wanted for me to be a success in whatever I wanted to do.
I had a main rival in grade school named Dawn. She and I were constantly the top scores in math and science. The first ones done with everything and done perfectly. We were fiercely competitive, to the point I remember her refusing to surrender her place in line in front of me to have our math quizzes graded when she needed to go to the bathroom. Yep, you know what came next.
It wasn’t two boys in our class that were the top of the class in math and science through grade school. Nope, two little girls.
My first experience with the word geek was when I was in 7th grade and I was so excited to join the computer club and learn LOGO. I loved computer club and never knew there was anything “wrong” with it until a woman that worked with my mom, whose son was *the most popular boy* in my junior high was having a party. I found out he wasn’t going to invite me to the party because I was a computer geek. Days later I quit the computer club and gave up one of the things I really really loved.
I decided at that point that I didn’t want to be smart anymore, I wanted to be one of the girls that the boys liked and that beating them at math scores and computer competitions was not going to be my route to that particular end goal.
I graduated from high school with decent enough grades, decent enough that I could get into any state supported university I wanted, I didn't apply private knowing I didn't have the money. I did this without trying and hanging out with people who didn’t know or care what classes I was in. They probably thought the reason I wasn’t in classes with them was because I was skipping.
I worked my way through college for a dermatologist. He served as a mentor to me and I often babysat his kids. One weekend his son asked me what I was studying at college and I told him pre-med, so I could be a doctor like his dad. He laughed at me and said, “No really, women can’t be doctors!” The little boy was in 3rd grade and I was shocked. He got an earful about that women can do anything they want and probably still remembers it. But really, it wasn't his fault. It was his parent's fault. I left there feeling more sorry for his little sister who was in kindergarten, and probably believed that her brother was right. My first inkling that my childhood was probably different than most other little girls was here.
My first real exposure to gender disparity in science came when I interviewed for grad school at Colorado State University. It was my first real interview of such and I never felt more like I was taking up someone’s valuable time than I did there. At first I didn’t see this as gender bias, but throughout the day it became evident. A man was also interviewing the same day I was. I was taken to lunch by a female grad student. She was not kind with her words about being a woman in that department and I believe it was no coincidence that we went to the same place for lunch as did the man who was interviewing. Only two professors escorted him to lunch.
Later that afternoon, I was meeting with the chair of the inorganic chemistry group and I asked him what classes I could be expected to teach? He responded that I would teach Chem 101. Would I ever teach an upper division class? “Not likely, women TA’s just aren’t as well received as men among the student body”. I will never forget that line as long as I live. I remember having a break in my schedule and calling my mom on a payphone nearly crying, telling her I did not want to come to school here and wasn't sure I really wanted to go to grad school. I was so close to walking out the door at that point, but for some reason I continued the day. I left, never feeling more dejected in my entire life.
My other grad school interviews were nothing like that and I ended up at a school with an amazing ratio of women faculty, THREE in a department of 12. Wow, one in four profs was a woman. So advanced were I thought. My class was 50% female to start out. But in the end, I was the only female to graduate with a Ph.D. in my class. Only one man dropped out. Why did the others leave? One was just a stupid dumbshit who on the first day proclaimed to us all that the periodic chart should be just made into a square box, the shape was just too funky. She gave a bad name to the rest of the women in the class. One transferred because she felt sexually harassed by her advisor. Two married and quit because they wanted to be wives and moms and not really scientists. (Both of them were not from the US.) And one other took her Masters and decided to go to work and earn some real money.
Oh and my second semester I taught upper division lab. I never really had any trouble garnering respect from my students. I had one student threaten me physically and I do not believe that he would have done so with a male TA. But he was psycho anyways. Otherwise, female students were often inspired by me (or so I was told) and my male students found me to be a quality TA (as shown by my teaching ratings) and the fact that I was awarded both department and university wide teaching awards. I won a research award at a national conference beating out many men from top universities. By the time I finished grad school I had my self confidence. I was as smart as the men around and had no problem proving it.
I interviewed at a company in Silicon Valley where the head of human resources asked me how my husband would feel about leaving Reno? Would he have ever asked that of a man?
Real life as a scientist has beaten me back down over the past few years. And you know this if you have read my blog. I work in an incredibly tolerant setting for a company with a very accepting and diverse philosophy. However, it is the individuals where this acceptance does not always resonate. Sexual Harassment training is scoffed at and joked about among the men I work with. It’s a joke to them. They all see nothing wrong with their behaviors. When I worked in the lab routinely, there was nothing wrong with them walking into the lab I worked in, seeing me and saying "Hi honey, I am home!" Despite the fact that I am a married woman and that line dripped of "she's the little woman of the group" to me. I wasn't invited to lunch with the guys and on every deployment (five while I was on that project) I was cut at the last minute for "lack of funds". None of the men were ever cut.
I jumped at a chance to leave my former group (run by a man) that had 75 staff members, three of whom were female scientists out of the nearly 50 scientist level staff. I endured being treated as an admin, not having an office when my male counterparts at the same level and with less experience than I did. I was told I would have to pump in the bathroom when I expressed concern about not having a place to pump when I would come back from maternity leave. When I said there were no outlets in the bathroom my manager told me to buy a battery pack. And I was passed over for a promotion because (I believe) I was on maternity leave. I was also removed as PI on a funded project, because I was on maternity leave. This was admited to me recently. Yet, my current team lead still cannot fathom why I made the switch to my current group, when I have so little in common research-wise with most of them. I have yet to tell him it is because my new manager is a woman. Since moving, I can honestly say that I have experienced, within my line management, no discrimination. We won’t talk about projects… but I am starting to hold my own. Although I will say that I believe I have had to work harder than my male counterparts to get to the same place.
It is different everywhere, many women cite no problems with being a woman in science.
What does this say to me? Two things. To encourage girls to pursue their interests in science we need parents and teachers to encourage them, give them praise and show them options. Once those little girls become women of science we need to treat them with respect, equality, and do our best to compare achievements with a blind eye to gender. We need to not be afraid to confront people who say and do stupid things. And we need to raise our little boys and girls with the belief that boys and girls can do anything they want to in life without bounds.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
The 10 Best Restaurants
There was a day when AB and I were huge foodies. We used to travel to a city and have reservations set at some of the top restaurants in the area, often months in advance (for example, Emeril's Fish House in Vegas - and it didn't live up to our inflated expectations... and it had nothing to do with my drunk BIL standing on his chair in the middle of the restaurant... AB finds it important to note that this BIL is NOT either of his brothers).
Our friend Andy posted on his Wine Press Northwest blog his top restaurants. I have decided to follow suit with AB's help.We have over the years kept a list of the best meals and dining experiences in no specific order. The list dates back to 1997 or so and some of the restaurants are now gone or under new names (so I found out on the trip to Reno...) So with AB's help, here is our list:
Top four in a debatable order:
Moose's, San Francisco, CA
We ate at Moose's in San Francisco when I was there for a conference. AB drove over from Reno to meet me. I had just won an award for my research, we had long standing reservations and I could not wait. We ordered their Market Fresh Tasting Menu which was about 7 courses prepared by the chef of local fresh ingrediants. Wow. NM's #1.
Restaurant Skadi, Mammoth, CA
AB and I ate here for our first anniversary. We headed south from Reno to go skiing. We asked the hotel for a recommendation and I still remember the guy at the desk telling me we *had* to try Skadi. And the description "Scandinavian Alpine"... who could resist. I had a seared duck breast with lingonberry sauce and AB had venison with a cranberry sauce. All the meat was taken from a local ranch where the animals were grain fed. Again wow. NM's other #1
Simon and Seaforts, Anchorage, AK
The views are supposidly outstanding, I was there in the winter, which means no light. So I will take AB's word for it. But where else can you get the freshest seafood than in Alaska? The clams were spectacular with a spicy broth. AB's #1.
The Saltry, Halibut Cove, AK
Photos here. Who can argue with a view like this in a region accessible only by boat or float plane? The salmon shark has forever been haunting AB and he is bound and determined to catch his own and cook it three ways as it was served at The Saltry. All the fish was fresh, caught locally and varied with each day. AB's #1... NM says... "oh yeah!"
And the rest:
Galena Forest Inn, Galena, NV
No longer Galena Forest Inn unfortunately, now a lodge. They were known for their wild meats and on the edge of the Toiyabe National Forest. We ate there after my defense as well as a few other special occasions while in Reno.
The Christmas Tree Restaurant, Near Incline Village and Mt. Rose, NV
The Christmas Tree is now called Tannenbaum and appears to be an event center. They had a mesquite grill that they cooked their meats over. It was just a few miles from Mt. Rose ski area and the perfect after ski get together place. Also the perfect place for a rehearsal dinner! That would be ours, AB and I had our rehearsal dinner at The Christmas Tree. The environment was fabulous, from the train circling the dining room, to the eternally decorated Christmas tree in the entry way and the fabulous stone fireplace with the Christmas tree made of rock embedded within.
Kan Zaman, San Francisco, CA
Middle Eastern food on the Haight, what could be better? Oh you wanted a hooka after dinner? You got it. Fantastic gathering place for larger groups. Belly dancers. And did I mention the hookas? Oh and the food... fantastic!
Indian Oven, San Francisco, CA
Indian Oven is on the lower Haight and is inexpensive and flavorful to say the least. Lamb vindaloo is AB's favorite and has since inspired him to take his own hand to recreating his favorite dish from there. You sit shoulder to shoulder with your neighbors and stand outside for a table. But it is well worth it. Oh and the naan was superb.
Tra Vigne, St. Helena, CA
AB has debated this one with me. He feels it deserves an honorable mention. Why does this make the list for me? Standing on the steps outside the restaurant looking at my boyfriend on his knee holding out a ring. That's why this one makes it top 10. The food was fantastic the first time we ate there, or was I just feeling like I was walking on air. Second time around? Not nearly as good. My feeling is that the place had gotten so much hype that it couldn't keep up. I do remember eating tuna carpaccio for dinner, drinking a 1997 Etude Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoying my first ever cheese course for dessert. A place I will never forget.
Himalayas, Boulder, CO
Nestled in a downstairs spot on the famous Pearl Street mall you will find Himalaya's. It is here that you can enjoy listening to a sitar as you enjoy your Tibetan and Nepalese food. My sister picked here to eat after graduation, I swear because she loved the mango lassies. I think it is one of the few things she and I have ever agreed upon!
Honorable Mention:
Bistro Jeanty, Yountville, CA
This is one that deserves a mention, if only so we can say we have eaten there. During the final episode of Top Chef... everyone watched that didn't they? If not, catch the reruns. Anyways, during the final episode of Top Chef I was able to point at Chef Jeanty and say, "I have eaten his food and I sent a steak back to him!" Not something many people can say about a world reknowned chef. I hate sending food back... hate it. But when you order your filet rare and it comes out well done... well you have to. The most annoying part of the night was how our waitor apologized at least 15 times for my overdone steak. Enough about the overdone steak... My seafood bisque was wonderful. AB had a good meal. But what was it? It had a fabulous French chateau feel, the wine was fantastic. I love French food, who doesn't? And while this one should have easily made it into the top 4, it didn't. I would eat there again and give them another shake and expect to be wow'd!
So what are your favorite restaurants? Please share!
Our friend Andy posted on his Wine Press Northwest blog his top restaurants. I have decided to follow suit with AB's help.We have over the years kept a list of the best meals and dining experiences in no specific order. The list dates back to 1997 or so and some of the restaurants are now gone or under new names (so I found out on the trip to Reno...) So with AB's help, here is our list:
Top four in a debatable order:
Moose's, San Francisco, CA
We ate at Moose's in San Francisco when I was there for a conference. AB drove over from Reno to meet me. I had just won an award for my research, we had long standing reservations and I could not wait. We ordered their Market Fresh Tasting Menu which was about 7 courses prepared by the chef of local fresh ingrediants. Wow. NM's #1.
Restaurant Skadi, Mammoth, CA
AB and I ate here for our first anniversary. We headed south from Reno to go skiing. We asked the hotel for a recommendation and I still remember the guy at the desk telling me we *had* to try Skadi. And the description "Scandinavian Alpine"... who could resist. I had a seared duck breast with lingonberry sauce and AB had venison with a cranberry sauce. All the meat was taken from a local ranch where the animals were grain fed. Again wow. NM's other #1
Simon and Seaforts, Anchorage, AK
The views are supposidly outstanding, I was there in the winter, which means no light. So I will take AB's word for it. But where else can you get the freshest seafood than in Alaska? The clams were spectacular with a spicy broth. AB's #1.
The Saltry, Halibut Cove, AK
Photos here. Who can argue with a view like this in a region accessible only by boat or float plane? The salmon shark has forever been haunting AB and he is bound and determined to catch his own and cook it three ways as it was served at The Saltry. All the fish was fresh, caught locally and varied with each day. AB's #1... NM says... "oh yeah!"
And the rest:
Galena Forest Inn, Galena, NV
No longer Galena Forest Inn unfortunately, now a lodge. They were known for their wild meats and on the edge of the Toiyabe National Forest. We ate there after my defense as well as a few other special occasions while in Reno.
The Christmas Tree Restaurant, Near Incline Village and Mt. Rose, NV
The Christmas Tree is now called Tannenbaum and appears to be an event center. They had a mesquite grill that they cooked their meats over. It was just a few miles from Mt. Rose ski area and the perfect after ski get together place. Also the perfect place for a rehearsal dinner! That would be ours, AB and I had our rehearsal dinner at The Christmas Tree. The environment was fabulous, from the train circling the dining room, to the eternally decorated Christmas tree in the entry way and the fabulous stone fireplace with the Christmas tree made of rock embedded within.
Kan Zaman, San Francisco, CA
Middle Eastern food on the Haight, what could be better? Oh you wanted a hooka after dinner? You got it. Fantastic gathering place for larger groups. Belly dancers. And did I mention the hookas? Oh and the food... fantastic!
Indian Oven, San Francisco, CA
Indian Oven is on the lower Haight and is inexpensive and flavorful to say the least. Lamb vindaloo is AB's favorite and has since inspired him to take his own hand to recreating his favorite dish from there. You sit shoulder to shoulder with your neighbors and stand outside for a table. But it is well worth it. Oh and the naan was superb.
Tra Vigne, St. Helena, CA
AB has debated this one with me. He feels it deserves an honorable mention. Why does this make the list for me? Standing on the steps outside the restaurant looking at my boyfriend on his knee holding out a ring. That's why this one makes it top 10. The food was fantastic the first time we ate there, or was I just feeling like I was walking on air. Second time around? Not nearly as good. My feeling is that the place had gotten so much hype that it couldn't keep up. I do remember eating tuna carpaccio for dinner, drinking a 1997 Etude Cabernet Sauvignon and enjoying my first ever cheese course for dessert. A place I will never forget.
Himalayas, Boulder, CO
Nestled in a downstairs spot on the famous Pearl Street mall you will find Himalaya's. It is here that you can enjoy listening to a sitar as you enjoy your Tibetan and Nepalese food. My sister picked here to eat after graduation, I swear because she loved the mango lassies. I think it is one of the few things she and I have ever agreed upon!
Honorable Mention:
Bistro Jeanty, Yountville, CA
This is one that deserves a mention, if only so we can say we have eaten there. During the final episode of Top Chef... everyone watched that didn't they? If not, catch the reruns. Anyways, during the final episode of Top Chef I was able to point at Chef Jeanty and say, "I have eaten his food and I sent a steak back to him!" Not something many people can say about a world reknowned chef. I hate sending food back... hate it. But when you order your filet rare and it comes out well done... well you have to. The most annoying part of the night was how our waitor apologized at least 15 times for my overdone steak. Enough about the overdone steak... My seafood bisque was wonderful. AB had a good meal. But what was it? It had a fabulous French chateau feel, the wine was fantastic. I love French food, who doesn't? And while this one should have easily made it into the top 4, it didn't. I would eat there again and give them another shake and expect to be wow'd!
So what are your favorite restaurants? Please share!
Two dental visits in one day
Leif had his first dental appointment this morning. He actually did pretty well, until he had to open his mouth. Yeah that is evidently one concept that the Elmo Teeth DVD episode didn’t emphasize enough… the fact that he would actually have to open his mouth so the dentist could see the teeth. There was some struggling, but it wasn’t misery. Or at least I didn’t get the impression that it was unusual. He got an all clear report. There were suggestions for sealants at age three because he has very deep crevices in his back teeth, perfect place for decay. And since I am anal about tooth health and bound and determined my kids will not have to suffer the dental angst that I had to suffer, he will be getting the sealants.
I came back to work for a while, 2.5 hours for teleconference and a little time in my office before running off to the dentist myself. I had a cleaning and a bite adjustment. I will just say that after that bite adjustment I am even more happy with my new 7 teeth. Now if insurance (in particular AB’s former insurance company) would just get their act together and pay their measly portion. I don’t even want to hear anymore whining from them, my portion was nearly 3x theirs. They have every excuse in the book – “she isn’t covered”, then why did they cash my COBRA check for continued coverage. “The payment was late”, you cashed it before the due date. “The dental office billed it incorrectly”, rebilled. “We want to see the EOB from the other insurance company”, done. If it isn’t one thing it is another. Buck up Metlife and pay the damn $1500.
I was hesitant to have my cleaning because my benefits have all been exhausted (yes, even routine preventative isn’t covered, I triple checked). But I kept reminding myself how I wouldn’t let Leif get away without an exam because of no insurance, I need to set the example. Then I nearly walked out when I found out I was scheduled with Rose and not Samantha, my preferred hygienist. I willed myself to sit my rear in that chair even though the thought of Rose’s very clumsy hands in my mouth set fear in my heart. Yes, there are two people you don’t want to have clumsy hands, your labor and delivery nurse – or at least that is what Soil Micro Mom tells me, and your dental hygienist. Ok and maybe your hair stylist too…
Rose wasn’t bad. I am over my fear of her. Her hands slipped a few times and then she was surprised that my gums bled when a sharp pointy tool slides across them with an armful of force behind it… Anyways, I lived and I am quite sure that Rose has polished and scraped off my tartar and tartar on the teeth of those people close to me. Do your teeth feel cleaner today?
After my dental appointment AB and I made our way to a new sushi restaurant in our part of town. I hadn’t heard anything about it, which always concerns me about trying a new place. Here, word (both good and bad) of any restaurant spreads like wildfire. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great, but I have eaten in some really fantastic and top notch sushi restaurants before. But I can deal with it! The price was right, the menu was somewhat innovative. They had miso and charged for it (boo), but it tasted wonderful. The sushi chef is hidden away in the back somewhere, which was disconcerting. It was SUPER fast, which was another reason I was a little skeptical. But AB pointed out to me that in the roll that had the deep fried softshell crab, the crab was hot! It was made freshly. But it was decent. One thing I cannot figure out for the life of me was why there was krab in my spicy tempura shrimp roll AND in my softshell crab roll (in addition to the real crab). It wasn’t listed on the menu. It isn’t my favorite stuff although I accept its use in California rolls… I just don’t usually eat California rolls. But I would far prefer to have a smaller roll than to use krab to make it seem as though you are getting more. And I would really prefer the subtle flavors not be marred by the presence of fake krab stuff. But like I said, it wasn’t bad and we will go back (and request no krab).
I managed to make it back to work by 2pm today. I probably should have just called the entire day a wash and gone and done something fun. But I didn’t.
I got a concept paper in yesterday and am feeling quite good about it. The funding is through my mentor, we talked about the call, but I developed the concept myself. I am REALLY hoping this goes somewhere. If I could nail this $80K for next year I would be set for projects. My industry collaboration team has elected me (if not for my pleading) to submit this years IR&D (industry research and development) proposal. I popped an idea out there which was met with skepticism, but was handed two concepts to study and figure out which one would be the best and work it up.
There is a little concern here though with this call and this project however. Miss Pink Post Doc is working on this years IR&D. It ends Sept 30 and unless she has something else, she hits the unemployment line. Of course no one wants that to happen. My PM was not gunning for her hire, if anything he cautioned my CW who hired her saying that he wasn’t sure the project could support her. I could hear the “I told you so” chanting in PM’s head this morning. The IR&D funds barely cover the cost of her employment and it is a one year thing. We could, in theory, expand her project and ask for another year, or I can throw out a completely new concept and compete with her for the funds.
Well nobody wants the competition on the project and so our PM has a decision to make. Push forward the concept by an already successful member of the team who is trusted and liked by the client and whose project ended (that would be moi), or push forward the extension of a project that has not proven fruition and that the client has repeatedly scoffed at as a crappy idea. I will research the concepts and work them up, give my PM some time to sit on it. Then I will probably end up suggesting that Miss Pink switches to working for me on October 1. Maybe I do have a little amiable in my blood…
I came back to work for a while, 2.5 hours for teleconference and a little time in my office before running off to the dentist myself. I had a cleaning and a bite adjustment. I will just say that after that bite adjustment I am even more happy with my new 7 teeth. Now if insurance (in particular AB’s former insurance company) would just get their act together and pay their measly portion. I don’t even want to hear anymore whining from them, my portion was nearly 3x theirs. They have every excuse in the book – “she isn’t covered”, then why did they cash my COBRA check for continued coverage. “The payment was late”, you cashed it before the due date. “The dental office billed it incorrectly”, rebilled. “We want to see the EOB from the other insurance company”, done. If it isn’t one thing it is another. Buck up Metlife and pay the damn $1500.
I was hesitant to have my cleaning because my benefits have all been exhausted (yes, even routine preventative isn’t covered, I triple checked). But I kept reminding myself how I wouldn’t let Leif get away without an exam because of no insurance, I need to set the example. Then I nearly walked out when I found out I was scheduled with Rose and not Samantha, my preferred hygienist. I willed myself to sit my rear in that chair even though the thought of Rose’s very clumsy hands in my mouth set fear in my heart. Yes, there are two people you don’t want to have clumsy hands, your labor and delivery nurse – or at least that is what Soil Micro Mom tells me, and your dental hygienist. Ok and maybe your hair stylist too…
Rose wasn’t bad. I am over my fear of her. Her hands slipped a few times and then she was surprised that my gums bled when a sharp pointy tool slides across them with an armful of force behind it… Anyways, I lived and I am quite sure that Rose has polished and scraped off my tartar and tartar on the teeth of those people close to me. Do your teeth feel cleaner today?
After my dental appointment AB and I made our way to a new sushi restaurant in our part of town. I hadn’t heard anything about it, which always concerns me about trying a new place. Here, word (both good and bad) of any restaurant spreads like wildfire. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great, but I have eaten in some really fantastic and top notch sushi restaurants before. But I can deal with it! The price was right, the menu was somewhat innovative. They had miso and charged for it (boo), but it tasted wonderful. The sushi chef is hidden away in the back somewhere, which was disconcerting. It was SUPER fast, which was another reason I was a little skeptical. But AB pointed out to me that in the roll that had the deep fried softshell crab, the crab was hot! It was made freshly. But it was decent. One thing I cannot figure out for the life of me was why there was krab in my spicy tempura shrimp roll AND in my softshell crab roll (in addition to the real crab). It wasn’t listed on the menu. It isn’t my favorite stuff although I accept its use in California rolls… I just don’t usually eat California rolls. But I would far prefer to have a smaller roll than to use krab to make it seem as though you are getting more. And I would really prefer the subtle flavors not be marred by the presence of fake krab stuff. But like I said, it wasn’t bad and we will go back (and request no krab).
I managed to make it back to work by 2pm today. I probably should have just called the entire day a wash and gone and done something fun. But I didn’t.
I got a concept paper in yesterday and am feeling quite good about it. The funding is through my mentor, we talked about the call, but I developed the concept myself. I am REALLY hoping this goes somewhere. If I could nail this $80K for next year I would be set for projects. My industry collaboration team has elected me (if not for my pleading) to submit this years IR&D (industry research and development) proposal. I popped an idea out there which was met with skepticism, but was handed two concepts to study and figure out which one would be the best and work it up.
There is a little concern here though with this call and this project however. Miss Pink Post Doc is working on this years IR&D. It ends Sept 30 and unless she has something else, she hits the unemployment line. Of course no one wants that to happen. My PM was not gunning for her hire, if anything he cautioned my CW who hired her saying that he wasn’t sure the project could support her. I could hear the “I told you so” chanting in PM’s head this morning. The IR&D funds barely cover the cost of her employment and it is a one year thing. We could, in theory, expand her project and ask for another year, or I can throw out a completely new concept and compete with her for the funds.
Well nobody wants the competition on the project and so our PM has a decision to make. Push forward the concept by an already successful member of the team who is trusted and liked by the client and whose project ended (that would be moi), or push forward the extension of a project that has not proven fruition and that the client has repeatedly scoffed at as a crappy idea. I will research the concepts and work them up, give my PM some time to sit on it. Then I will probably end up suggesting that Miss Pink switches to working for me on October 1. Maybe I do have a little amiable in my blood…
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
He gets his grace from me
I am a klutz and poor Leif has inherited it. You would think that being that I was a gymnast for many years, I might have some level of grace. Nope. Not an ounce. If it is choreographed and practiced, then fine, but otherwise I trip over the cracks in the sidewalk.
Apparently Leif was lucky enough to inherit this from me as shown by his little exhibit in daycare today.
AB called: "Yeah, Leif banged up his chin today."
NM: "He did, how did he do that?"
AB: "Well... Evidently he went to change his own diaper..."
NM interrupts: "He went to change his own diaper?"
AB: "Yeah, I guess. So anyways, he gets his shorts off, gets his diaper off, throws it away."
NM: "Well at least he threw it away."
AB continues: "He couldn't get his new diaper on and so he took it and went running across the room to get help with his shorts around his ankles and fell face first into the fridge."
NM: "Seriously?"
AB: "Apparently!"
NM: "Is he alright?"
AB: "Yeah, he's fine."
And thus the source of all kids paranoia about being pants'd and exposed to their friends... with a little klutziness thrown in on top.
Apparently Leif was lucky enough to inherit this from me as shown by his little exhibit in daycare today.
AB called: "Yeah, Leif banged up his chin today."
NM: "He did, how did he do that?"
AB: "Well... Evidently he went to change his own diaper..."
NM interrupts: "He went to change his own diaper?"
AB: "Yeah, I guess. So anyways, he gets his shorts off, gets his diaper off, throws it away."
NM: "Well at least he threw it away."
AB continues: "He couldn't get his new diaper on and so he took it and went running across the room to get help with his shorts around his ankles and fell face first into the fridge."
NM: "Seriously?"
AB: "Apparently!"
NM: "Is he alright?"
AB: "Yeah, he's fine."
And thus the source of all kids paranoia about being pants'd and exposed to their friends... with a little klutziness thrown in on top.
Monday, July 10, 2006
An ego rub
I got an e-mail recently that made me give a lot of thought to why I blog, what I blog about and the potential ramifications of blogging. We have all heard stories about the flight attendant who posted pictures of herself in her airline uniform on her blog, who was then fired. On the other end of the spectrum, you may have heard or kept up with the now defunct LANL blog (in my links to the left), which became a mainstay and often a voice of discontent among the famous national lab written publicly by a staff member. And then the personal aspect… there are just those times when you wonder could this person I have whined about wander over and find my blog? That has happened with some people I know both in real life and in my blogosphere. That’s one of those “oh shit” moments. Yeah, we all try to be perfect, but plain truth there are people we adore (and some we don’t) who occasionally annoy us and we move past it by whining about it. Once it is off your chest, phew! Relief! And you can go back to being friends (or not as the case may be) with the person again.
The e-mail I received was an invitation by a newspaper reporter to be interviewed for a story on "cool" bloggers in my area. (I had to throw the "cool" in there... it has been years since I have been termed "cool".) The link to my blog was passed on to her from a friend of mine. For about 30 seconds I was so flattered! Me, interviewed, about something I love to do? How fun!
Then at 31 seconds the “what ifs” set in. Anonymity, this is one reason I blog. Many of my readers are friends and family and know exactly who I am, where I live and plenty of details about my life (like who I dated my junior year in high school… yeah big mistake there!). So for that group of people, my moniker means nothing. However, for others, my moniker is my identity, with no connection to the small city where I reside. What this article would do in essence is serve up my name likely with my moniker, maybe with my URL and top it off with my location and served on a platter to my community. Even lacking the moniker and the URL, anyone reading the article could have googled my real name and found my blog in two clicks. No joke.
Paranoia? Here is my blog, with pictures of my son, his name (because I lack creativity in assigning titles and can’t come up with a good unique moniker for him) and add to that my full name (hence his last name) and our town? The fact that he is in a Montessori school (which I have stated a number of times) makes him frighteningly easy to locate. Reason #1, safety.
Reason #2 is that I am apparently just a bitch. I whine about people. I complain about my former post-doc mentor, I whine about coworkers, my admin (just recently). I laugh about people Miss Pink Post-Doc (who I really am growing to like even though her clothes just really freak me out), my friend and coworker C liking her romance novels… I come here and get it out of my system. Well for the most part, what’s left usually goes in e-mails to Soil Micro Mom and Vargas Girl. Yes, I am a bitch, I freely admit that here. But to my coworkers, my managers, my admin, C? Nope, I am that sweet woman that everyone enjoys working with and never says a bad word about anyone or anything. The person they can come into my office and confide in. I can’t blow my cover.
Reason #3… “Hello, media relations? Yes, I am a staff member here and my name is going to be in the local newspaper as a blogger, OK? Just thought I would let you know as required by that difficult to navigate system we all pledge allegiance to as employees.” Yeah, nuff said. I like my job (most of the time).
While the lure of the spotlight was appealing and flattering I put these reasons together and issued a polite decline to the reporter. She is correct in stating that any of these people cited herein could find this blog. I know they could, very easily. But then THEY would be looking for it and in my own mind responsible for what they stumbled across. As opposed to having the evidence presented in front of them in the local paper where curiosity would most certainly be sparked (I know mine would!). I consider myself an average person and I don’t Google my coworkers (exception, Google Scholar for publications). I don’t think I give people a reason to go search me out online. But it is a chance I take coming here and blogging. A chance that for now, I will accept.
Now the question is how drastically will this affect the way I blog? Had I started blogging differently (not being petty, not whining occasionally about work, and staying totally anonymous) way back in November of 2004... my answer would have likely been different. Lessons learned.
The e-mail I received was an invitation by a newspaper reporter to be interviewed for a story on "cool" bloggers in my area. (I had to throw the "cool" in there... it has been years since I have been termed "cool".) The link to my blog was passed on to her from a friend of mine. For about 30 seconds I was so flattered! Me, interviewed, about something I love to do? How fun!
Then at 31 seconds the “what ifs” set in. Anonymity, this is one reason I blog. Many of my readers are friends and family and know exactly who I am, where I live and plenty of details about my life (like who I dated my junior year in high school… yeah big mistake there!). So for that group of people, my moniker means nothing. However, for others, my moniker is my identity, with no connection to the small city where I reside. What this article would do in essence is serve up my name likely with my moniker, maybe with my URL and top it off with my location and served on a platter to my community. Even lacking the moniker and the URL, anyone reading the article could have googled my real name and found my blog in two clicks. No joke.
Paranoia? Here is my blog, with pictures of my son, his name (because I lack creativity in assigning titles and can’t come up with a good unique moniker for him) and add to that my full name (hence his last name) and our town? The fact that he is in a Montessori school (which I have stated a number of times) makes him frighteningly easy to locate. Reason #1, safety.
Reason #2 is that I am apparently just a bitch. I whine about people. I complain about my former post-doc mentor, I whine about coworkers, my admin (just recently). I laugh about people Miss Pink Post-Doc (who I really am growing to like even though her clothes just really freak me out), my friend and coworker C liking her romance novels… I come here and get it out of my system. Well for the most part, what’s left usually goes in e-mails to Soil Micro Mom and Vargas Girl. Yes, I am a bitch, I freely admit that here. But to my coworkers, my managers, my admin, C? Nope, I am that sweet woman that everyone enjoys working with and never says a bad word about anyone or anything. The person they can come into my office and confide in. I can’t blow my cover.
Reason #3… “Hello, media relations? Yes, I am a staff member here and my name is going to be in the local newspaper as a blogger, OK? Just thought I would let you know as required by that difficult to navigate system we all pledge allegiance to as employees.” Yeah, nuff said. I like my job (most of the time).
While the lure of the spotlight was appealing and flattering I put these reasons together and issued a polite decline to the reporter. She is correct in stating that any of these people cited herein could find this blog. I know they could, very easily. But then THEY would be looking for it and in my own mind responsible for what they stumbled across. As opposed to having the evidence presented in front of them in the local paper where curiosity would most certainly be sparked (I know mine would!). I consider myself an average person and I don’t Google my coworkers (exception, Google Scholar for publications). I don’t think I give people a reason to go search me out online. But it is a chance I take coming here and blogging. A chance that for now, I will accept.
Now the question is how drastically will this affect the way I blog? Had I started blogging differently (not being petty, not whining occasionally about work, and staying totally anonymous) way back in November of 2004... my answer would have likely been different. Lessons learned.
Where do they get these ideas?
Last night we were battling the flies thanks to AB leaving the back door open as he BBQ'd salmon. So we had a lovely dinner with the fly swatter being passed between us. Ick.
We were nearly done with dinner and so it came as no surprise that Leif asked to get down. He had a look in his eye... a glimmer of an idea. He ran off and returned with... (any guesses?)
The toilet brush.
He proceeded to swing the toilet brush wildly towards any buzzing fly (or bee as he calls them).
Yeah, that ended pretty quickly. We actually offered him a trade right off... the fly swatter in exchange for the toilet brush.
Where do they get these sparks of "genius"?
We were nearly done with dinner and so it came as no surprise that Leif asked to get down. He had a look in his eye... a glimmer of an idea. He ran off and returned with... (any guesses?)
The toilet brush.
He proceeded to swing the toilet brush wildly towards any buzzing fly (or bee as he calls them).
Yeah, that ended pretty quickly. We actually offered him a trade right off... the fly swatter in exchange for the toilet brush.
Where do they get these sparks of "genius"?
Friday, July 07, 2006
Who do I listen to?
This was my horoscope today. Exactly, word for word, as it appeared on My Yahoo.
Quickie: Luxury and excess are holding you back. Try to pare down to life's essentials.
Overview: You've been frugal and practical long enough. The stars say it's time to splurge. Drop some cash on a sexy outfit or a spontaneous trip. The fun and romance you'll experience as a result will be priceless.
?!?!?
Explain, somebody? Please? Stars are apparently colliding and the Universe is going to come to a grinding halt.
Quickie: Luxury and excess are holding you back. Try to pare down to life's essentials.
Overview: You've been frugal and practical long enough. The stars say it's time to splurge. Drop some cash on a sexy outfit or a spontaneous trip. The fun and romance you'll experience as a result will be priceless.
?!?!?
Explain, somebody? Please? Stars are apparently colliding and the Universe is going to come to a grinding halt.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Who remembers this?
Tanya, you HAVE to remember this.
Fish heads
What year did it come out? I am thinking this is at least 18-20 years old.
Fish heads
What year did it come out? I am thinking this is at least 18-20 years old.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Leif funnies for early July
AB had sailing lessons tonight and so it was just me and the little guy. Sometimes it is obvious Leif tries to crack me up. Other times he does so unknowingly.
We were reading "Too Big for Diapers" with Ernie as the lead character. Leif is really getting into this book and points to the potty and tells me that Ernie goes pee pee and poo poo in the potty. Whereby I try to encourage him to be like Ernie. Tonight he looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, held his hands out to the side in an inquisitive manner and asks me "Wha-ba Bert?" I told him Bery used the potty too. He says, "no, Bert diapers".
Ok then...
Ok, so my vegetarian friends might not like this one so much... When we went camping AB and I fixed salmon for dinner. We have been careful not to confuse the fish we eat with the fish on Nemo or his goldfish. Don't want to freak the kid out you know. To this point we were completely unsuccessful at getting him to eat fish, which sucked, since we eat it a lot.
Leif and C were sitting over with K (C's dad) in the shelter getting ready to eat. K tells them it is fish and Leif immediately calls it NEMO and chows down.
Two and two.
Flash forward to now. Many times when he sees a fish pictures he says, "Fish, we eat it!" He does like fish for the most part now.
Yesterday we were going through his Animal Babies magazine and he came across a penguin. I tell him what the penguin is and Leif exclaims, "We eat it!" There was no convincing him that no, we don't eat penguin.
Today it was a book with an elephant in it. "We eat it?" he asks in an inquisitive tone. No, we don't, I tell him. It would be awfully tough. He points to the elephant and says "ela, no eat it".
We were reading "Too Big for Diapers" with Ernie as the lead character. Leif is really getting into this book and points to the potty and tells me that Ernie goes pee pee and poo poo in the potty. Whereby I try to encourage him to be like Ernie. Tonight he looked at me with a puzzled look on his face, held his hands out to the side in an inquisitive manner and asks me "Wha-ba Bert?" I told him Bery used the potty too. He says, "no, Bert diapers".
Ok then...
Ok, so my vegetarian friends might not like this one so much... When we went camping AB and I fixed salmon for dinner. We have been careful not to confuse the fish we eat with the fish on Nemo or his goldfish. Don't want to freak the kid out you know. To this point we were completely unsuccessful at getting him to eat fish, which sucked, since we eat it a lot.
Leif and C were sitting over with K (C's dad) in the shelter getting ready to eat. K tells them it is fish and Leif immediately calls it NEMO and chows down.
Two and two.
Flash forward to now. Many times when he sees a fish pictures he says, "Fish, we eat it!" He does like fish for the most part now.
Yesterday we were going through his Animal Babies magazine and he came across a penguin. I tell him what the penguin is and Leif exclaims, "We eat it!" There was no convincing him that no, we don't eat penguin.
Today it was a book with an elephant in it. "We eat it?" he asks in an inquisitive tone. No, we don't, I tell him. It would be awfully tough. He points to the elephant and says "ela, no eat it".
How long till Labor Day?
I really, really enjoyed my 3.5 days off with AB and Leif. We really made every effort this past weekend to do something fun with Leif everyday. I want him to think back and (like me) remember his summer childhood experiences fondly. Ok, so he isn’t quite to that point of remembering his experiences yet I suppose. But how can you argue with grins and giggles?
So the next day off is Labor Day? How unfair is that? I think I am going to make the suggestion to AB that we head to the coast before mid-August for a long weekend. We plan to go either for Labor Day or the first weekend in October for Oysterfest. I would like to get one other trip in there at some point.
Work is fine. I ran into my old post-doc mentor this afternoon. Wow is he getting grey, in a very short time frame. We chatted politely about my trip to Reno last week. (He also went to grad school in Reno.) Then we parted ways, quickly.
I am having admin issues… not really “Issues” per se, just trying to figure out how to deal professionally and personally with one of the admin. That sentence sounds bad, but it really isn’t. My problem is that I adore Amy, she is about my age with a 2 and 5 year old. She wears cute clothes, likes to shop and I could so see us becoming good friends and enjoying hanging out. Her husband is a scientist hired into one of the groups here and she was a “trailing spouse” hired on as admin this past year. (double standards… but I won’t dwell…)
Anyways, my problem is that I like her, so I am finding it hard to push her on things that need to get done. Like 2 big boxes that were supposed to go out FedEx last Friday. She procrastinated them until this afternoon (missing today’s FedEx cutoff time). I bugged her a little about them, e-mail on Friday offering to help her get them to the warehouse… A phone call on Monday reminding her… nope. They went out today. I just have a horrible time getting “rude” with her.
And by “rude” I have to remind myself we are talking about “NM’s rude level”. I think I am being horribly mean, and typically speaking the other person sees a quivering young woman ending her sentences in “if you don’t mind of course”. Spine? Mine is missing… call if you see it.
I want Amy as a friend and part of me (the insecure 75% of me) says that if I start breaking her balls (figuratively of course) and requesting that she meet my level of perfectionism in the work that she does for me, that she won’t want to be my friend. I mean who would?
-----------------------------------
I worked with my friend C this afternoon in the lab. It was fun, it has been ages since I have worked in a lab it seems. We chatted about a variety of topics including books.
Books… We have amazingly never talked about books before, except when she declined my invitation to join our book club and I just made the assumption that she doesn’t read for pleasure. So it came as a surprise to me today when she talked about reading the 5th Harry Potter book and then chastised me when I admitted that I have not read HP. I know, sacrilege and yes, I do consider myself well read. I asked her what other types of books she reads and was surprised to find her a romance novel aficionado. Here is one of the brightest young nuclear engineers I know… and she likes romance novels? ;-)
Yes, I have a stigma… I admit it. How am I ever going to take her seriously again?? Ok, I am just kidding. I admitted to her that I have never, to my knowledge, read a romance novel. She gives me the name of her favorite that I *have* to check out. She would even loan it to me. I pulled it up on Amazon and couldn’t even finish reading the description without giggles and “give me a break” sneaking out of my lips. Oh my!
I know… to each her own. This will in no way affect the way I see C in our professional lives… no way at all… ok, maybe just a teensy bit, but it will all be giggling. Side story here… my mom and I always share books and make recommendations to each other. My grandmother, apparently feeling left out, brought a book to loan my mom to read. My mom was skeptical to start, but started in on the book. The next day she called me saying “Grandma reads ROMANCE novels!” We giggled and giggled about it.
Another class of books I don’t care to read? Murders. I am having a real Issue with the August book of the month, In Cold Blood by Capote. My Issue? I haven’t started it and don’t think I can. I want to go to book club this month, we have a rule that everyone should come even if they didn’t finish the book. But what if you can’t even start it? Frankly, if it were my choice I wouldn’t be thrilled if someone didn't even try the book, just assumed they wouldn't like it. Ahh, what to do. I am nearly halfway through Ada Blackjack and I can put My Antonia on the backburner and at least pick up In Cold Blood. Or I can just ignore its existence all together. Such decisions.
So the next day off is Labor Day? How unfair is that? I think I am going to make the suggestion to AB that we head to the coast before mid-August for a long weekend. We plan to go either for Labor Day or the first weekend in October for Oysterfest. I would like to get one other trip in there at some point.
Work is fine. I ran into my old post-doc mentor this afternoon. Wow is he getting grey, in a very short time frame. We chatted politely about my trip to Reno last week. (He also went to grad school in Reno.) Then we parted ways, quickly.
I am having admin issues… not really “Issues” per se, just trying to figure out how to deal professionally and personally with one of the admin. That sentence sounds bad, but it really isn’t. My problem is that I adore Amy, she is about my age with a 2 and 5 year old. She wears cute clothes, likes to shop and I could so see us becoming good friends and enjoying hanging out. Her husband is a scientist hired into one of the groups here and she was a “trailing spouse” hired on as admin this past year. (double standards… but I won’t dwell…)
Anyways, my problem is that I like her, so I am finding it hard to push her on things that need to get done. Like 2 big boxes that were supposed to go out FedEx last Friday. She procrastinated them until this afternoon (missing today’s FedEx cutoff time). I bugged her a little about them, e-mail on Friday offering to help her get them to the warehouse… A phone call on Monday reminding her… nope. They went out today. I just have a horrible time getting “rude” with her.
And by “rude” I have to remind myself we are talking about “NM’s rude level”. I think I am being horribly mean, and typically speaking the other person sees a quivering young woman ending her sentences in “if you don’t mind of course”. Spine? Mine is missing… call if you see it.
I want Amy as a friend and part of me (the insecure 75% of me) says that if I start breaking her balls (figuratively of course) and requesting that she meet my level of perfectionism in the work that she does for me, that she won’t want to be my friend. I mean who would?
-----------------------------------
I worked with my friend C this afternoon in the lab. It was fun, it has been ages since I have worked in a lab it seems. We chatted about a variety of topics including books.
Books… We have amazingly never talked about books before, except when she declined my invitation to join our book club and I just made the assumption that she doesn’t read for pleasure. So it came as a surprise to me today when she talked about reading the 5th Harry Potter book and then chastised me when I admitted that I have not read HP. I know, sacrilege and yes, I do consider myself well read. I asked her what other types of books she reads and was surprised to find her a romance novel aficionado. Here is one of the brightest young nuclear engineers I know… and she likes romance novels? ;-)
Yes, I have a stigma… I admit it. How am I ever going to take her seriously again?? Ok, I am just kidding. I admitted to her that I have never, to my knowledge, read a romance novel. She gives me the name of her favorite that I *have* to check out. She would even loan it to me. I pulled it up on Amazon and couldn’t even finish reading the description without giggles and “give me a break” sneaking out of my lips. Oh my!
I know… to each her own. This will in no way affect the way I see C in our professional lives… no way at all… ok, maybe just a teensy bit, but it will all be giggling. Side story here… my mom and I always share books and make recommendations to each other. My grandmother, apparently feeling left out, brought a book to loan my mom to read. My mom was skeptical to start, but started in on the book. The next day she called me saying “Grandma reads ROMANCE novels!” We giggled and giggled about it.
Another class of books I don’t care to read? Murders. I am having a real Issue with the August book of the month, In Cold Blood by Capote. My Issue? I haven’t started it and don’t think I can. I want to go to book club this month, we have a rule that everyone should come even if they didn’t finish the book. But what if you can’t even start it? Frankly, if it were my choice I wouldn’t be thrilled if someone didn't even try the book, just assumed they wouldn't like it. Ahh, what to do. I am nearly halfway through Ada Blackjack and I can put My Antonia on the backburner and at least pick up In Cold Blood. Or I can just ignore its existence all together. Such decisions.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Pictures from the 4th
Wow, look at that wall of water!
Fun, Fun!
Peek-a-Boo!
Hiding in the Cabernet vines
A Civilized Life
We ate out and survived! The key? A MagnaDoodle. We bought a third today. Now we have one in each car and one at home. We went to a local Italian restaurant that is geared more towards being a family restaurant. The waitress earned an extra 5% tip when she brought our salads and brought Leif a “kids salad” consisting of plate of cheese, crackers and olives. She rocked. Oh and booths are a must have. As long as we can corner him in the back part of the booth, we are stellar. And for added peace and quiet a good artistic ability is necessary. The MagnaDoodle? Not for Leif. Nope, it’s for AB and I to draw whatever Leif demands. Which he will then giggle over and occasionally add to. Leif added what looked like wings to my pig this morning, I found it ironic, he just found it funny. And when you are tired of drawing animals and flowers then drawing a balloon, stating “one balloon” and letting Leif swipe it away with the erase lever and then saying “pop!” provides at least 8 minutes of sanity… well for at least one of us. (Thank you Keyboard Elmo.)
We’re back baby! (Ok, so it is not like we’re going to Anthony’s anytime soon…)
We have had a really nice weekend so far. Dinner out Friday night. Saturday we went to the Farmer’s Market and walked out with some wonderful produce and no money. Saturday afternoon we went to the new local grocery store where we tasted and bought some cheese (along with other groceries). Both evenings we went for walks and then let Leif swim in the early evening, while trying to keep him inside during the main heat of the day. (We are out of our abnormally cool weather and now over 100F.) Sunday morning we went to swimming classes. Leif was the only one there, so we pretty much just played in the pool. He was so tired, but cried and cried when we had to get out. He was so bummed. Sunday afternoon AB cooked Greek kafta kebabs. I picked up the house and did some reading. I am currently completely enthralled in Ada Blackjack by Jennifer Niven. Her first book, The Ice Master was one of my favorites ever. Ada Blackjack is equally as good and maybe even better since it is about the triumph of a woman over the elements. I finished The Birth House on Jo’s recommendation and LOVED it. V also read it and loved it and we have decided it WILL be a book club selection as soon as it comes out in the US in September. My book is going on vacation to my mom’s house where I know she will also enjoy it.
Once Leif was up we went to a local garden center which recently relocated and expanded. Really wonderful place. I wanted SO much there, but after AB spent $70 on rock for the concrete project, I restrained myself and purchased a few fabulous looking strawberry plants for $4. Leif was ga ga over the koi pond and feeding the fishies. He was bound and determined to put the food directly into the fish mouths. I worked to discourage this as images of the headlines in the local paper flashed before my eyes, “Toddler looses finger to goldfish at local garden shop”. AB was not quite so diligent and when one of the employees told him that the fish were so friendly that they might actually suck on Leif’s fingers, he started holding Leif over to feed the koi directly. I must note… I was OUTSIDE picking out strawberries. This would not have happened in *my* presence.
Our rock was delivered Monday morning. Hopefully now AB can get the rock down and our kitchen floor will no longer be covered in dirt all the time. In the meantime I have a four foot high mountain of rock in my driveway. We went to Costco for berries since we were starting to run low and I decided that raspberry ice cream is a must have for the 4th of July weekend.
Monday about 11am I made my way into work with the intention of working for 4 hours. I was surprised at the number of people working. It isn’t a paid holiday, but I expected far fewer people here. (Hence why I am in shorts and my flip flops – really I meant to actually change shoes before I left the house… ) I was greeted by two hours worth of training to accomplish. After that I met with my mentor for a question answer series on his newly established Initiative.
Today, the 4th, is my sister’s birthday. It is no coincidence that she was born on the 4th of July, it fits her personality. When we were kids she truly believed that the US was celebrating HER birthday. A common jab towards me was always “well the whole country doesn’t celebrate your birthday”. A slight wrench was thrown into this theory when we had a neighbor boy whose birthday was ALSO the 4th of July. They argued and argued about whose birthday was being celebrated.
Every year on her birthday we would have homemade strawberry ice cream. My parents had one of the old hand crank ice cream makers that you added rock salt and ice to and then churned away. Our ice cream maker didn’t stay together well and so my sister and I used to have to take turns sitting on the top of it while my dad churned on the 4th of July. Now I have the convenience of an electric model. We lived in Wyoming where (30 years ago at least) fireworks of all sorts were legal everywhere. We would gather with the neighbors in the middle of the street and light off fireworks. I remember sitting on the curb thinking how brave our dads were to be out there lighting off the fireworks and then trying my best to cover my ears for the ones that would “bang”.
Life was so much simpler than, or so it seemed. I want Leif to have memories like these. This summer I am really enjoying seeing summer through the eyes of a kid again, homemade popsicles and all! It was the thoughts of fresh strawberry ice cream that prompted the need for berries for raspberry ice cream. (I love strawberries, but any mushing or cooking that makes them “stringy” grosses me out.) We will have an angel food cake as well. No birthday was every complete in my family without angel food cake. I think I inherited my grandmother’s rule of “you always get angel food cake on your birthday” (even if you aren’t nearby). My sister will have an angel food cake at my house in honor of her birthday, even though she is 1600 miles away. Sure, she will have one at her house too… I confirmed a few minutes ago and yes, the angel food cake mix has been purchased for her birthday… but she has one at my house too.
Happy Birthday Ang!
We’re back baby! (Ok, so it is not like we’re going to Anthony’s anytime soon…)
We have had a really nice weekend so far. Dinner out Friday night. Saturday we went to the Farmer’s Market and walked out with some wonderful produce and no money. Saturday afternoon we went to the new local grocery store where we tasted and bought some cheese (along with other groceries). Both evenings we went for walks and then let Leif swim in the early evening, while trying to keep him inside during the main heat of the day. (We are out of our abnormally cool weather and now over 100F.) Sunday morning we went to swimming classes. Leif was the only one there, so we pretty much just played in the pool. He was so tired, but cried and cried when we had to get out. He was so bummed. Sunday afternoon AB cooked Greek kafta kebabs. I picked up the house and did some reading. I am currently completely enthralled in Ada Blackjack by Jennifer Niven. Her first book, The Ice Master was one of my favorites ever. Ada Blackjack is equally as good and maybe even better since it is about the triumph of a woman over the elements. I finished The Birth House on Jo’s recommendation and LOVED it. V also read it and loved it and we have decided it WILL be a book club selection as soon as it comes out in the US in September. My book is going on vacation to my mom’s house where I know she will also enjoy it.
Once Leif was up we went to a local garden center which recently relocated and expanded. Really wonderful place. I wanted SO much there, but after AB spent $70 on rock for the concrete project, I restrained myself and purchased a few fabulous looking strawberry plants for $4. Leif was ga ga over the koi pond and feeding the fishies. He was bound and determined to put the food directly into the fish mouths. I worked to discourage this as images of the headlines in the local paper flashed before my eyes, “Toddler looses finger to goldfish at local garden shop”. AB was not quite so diligent and when one of the employees told him that the fish were so friendly that they might actually suck on Leif’s fingers, he started holding Leif over to feed the koi directly. I must note… I was OUTSIDE picking out strawberries. This would not have happened in *my* presence.
Our rock was delivered Monday morning. Hopefully now AB can get the rock down and our kitchen floor will no longer be covered in dirt all the time. In the meantime I have a four foot high mountain of rock in my driveway. We went to Costco for berries since we were starting to run low and I decided that raspberry ice cream is a must have for the 4th of July weekend.
Monday about 11am I made my way into work with the intention of working for 4 hours. I was surprised at the number of people working. It isn’t a paid holiday, but I expected far fewer people here. (Hence why I am in shorts and my flip flops – really I meant to actually change shoes before I left the house… ) I was greeted by two hours worth of training to accomplish. After that I met with my mentor for a question answer series on his newly established Initiative.
Today, the 4th, is my sister’s birthday. It is no coincidence that she was born on the 4th of July, it fits her personality. When we were kids she truly believed that the US was celebrating HER birthday. A common jab towards me was always “well the whole country doesn’t celebrate your birthday”. A slight wrench was thrown into this theory when we had a neighbor boy whose birthday was ALSO the 4th of July. They argued and argued about whose birthday was being celebrated.
Every year on her birthday we would have homemade strawberry ice cream. My parents had one of the old hand crank ice cream makers that you added rock salt and ice to and then churned away. Our ice cream maker didn’t stay together well and so my sister and I used to have to take turns sitting on the top of it while my dad churned on the 4th of July. Now I have the convenience of an electric model. We lived in Wyoming where (30 years ago at least) fireworks of all sorts were legal everywhere. We would gather with the neighbors in the middle of the street and light off fireworks. I remember sitting on the curb thinking how brave our dads were to be out there lighting off the fireworks and then trying my best to cover my ears for the ones that would “bang”.
Life was so much simpler than, or so it seemed. I want Leif to have memories like these. This summer I am really enjoying seeing summer through the eyes of a kid again, homemade popsicles and all! It was the thoughts of fresh strawberry ice cream that prompted the need for berries for raspberry ice cream. (I love strawberries, but any mushing or cooking that makes them “stringy” grosses me out.) We will have an angel food cake as well. No birthday was every complete in my family without angel food cake. I think I inherited my grandmother’s rule of “you always get angel food cake on your birthday” (even if you aren’t nearby). My sister will have an angel food cake at my house in honor of her birthday, even though she is 1600 miles away. Sure, she will have one at her house too… I confirmed a few minutes ago and yes, the angel food cake mix has been purchased for her birthday… but she has one at my house too.
Happy Birthday Ang!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Who knew having a kid would be so cool!
A new level of maturity seems to be emerging in Leif. It is hard to explain these sometimes seemingly subtle changes that we observe. It is almost like Leif wakes up and gets the point we have been trying to make for weeks and sometimes months. AB said it started Tuesday night. They had the best night together with very few battles or challenges. Leif wanted to play. He was hungry and wanted to sit and eat dinner, so they did and listened to the Sundays. And not only that, he tried foods he hadn’t tried before. This is a vast change (in our view) from recent actions where it is nearly impossible to get him to sit to eat for longer than 5 minutes when he announces “all done” and struggles to run free. Oh and did I mention that his appetite is comparable to a horse? He eats more than I do for dinner lately. Daycare keeps telling us to send more food. The child needs a larger lunchbox.
There is only one explanation for this recent change… my little boy is growing up and maturing. He is understanding more and more everyday as well as becoming more capable at expressing his needs and wants.
This morning I dropped him off at daycare. The drop offs have been far better lately and I am pleased to report that we get a hello every single day when we walk in the door now. Leif has his routine whereby he goes to the fridge and empties his lunchbox into the blue and red bins. Blue for stays cold (yogurt, lunchmeat, sandwiches, fruit) and hot for “to be heated” (pasta, veggies, etc). We are still working on which foods get heated and which stay cold, and the fact that his two little oatmeal cookies for dessert are neither of these and stay in the lunchbox. To minimize meltdowns the cookies have been going into the blue container.
Leif walked in today and his friend Atticus’ eyes lit up. Here came Atticus with his arms open wide. But Leif didn’t want a hug from Atticus and kept turning to me for “mo kissies” and “hogs”. I kept trying to convince him to go play with Atti. Finally Leif looked at me, waved and walked up to Atti where he was greeted with the biggest bearhug from a 2 year old. Leif put his arms around Atti and hugged him back. They embraced for about 30 seconds (I watched through the door) and then they ran off together to play. Awww! Tears!! My little boy has a friend he made on his own. And wow are they cute!
Every age is the best. I have heard that the terrible two’s are approaching. Leif’s doctor has stated that with her boys, it wasn’t the terrible two’s, it’s the “terrible 18 month olds”. So far I think she is right. And I think Leif is just emerging from this phase. I know, he isn’t yet two, who knows what is waiting out there for me on the other side. I may come back to this post and laugh at my naïve self.
Then again a lot of the things that I hear as complaints about two year olds may not bother me so much. I have heard that their striving for independence as well as dawdling be it perceived dawdling because of the desire for independence and doing things themselves or dawdling for no real apparent reason. I am actually a pretty laid back person and I enjoy seeing Leif attempt things by himself. Most mornings being late in, isn’t an issue. I am rarely really in a hurry. So maybe it is more how easily one gets annoyed by the slow toddler pace? Oh I am sure I will reach my limit.
But for now I see that things have improved this past week as compared to the last six months. For the most part Leif can convey what he wants, he is very verbal. He cracks me up the way he chatters away about random things. He loves to “read” and has recently taken to reading to me, which really just slays me. Last night he wanted to see Cookie on TV. So I put on a Sesame Street we have recorded to Tivo. We watched the couple of Cookie Monster parts, fast forwarding through the others. Then I asked him if he wanted to read. He leapt off the couch with such gusto and ran full speed to his room. By the time I got there he had a few books picked out. No more reading the same book over and over and over (crossing my fingers, knocking on wood…). Nope we read one and he says “all done” and finds another.
Last night I asked Leif to read “Open the Barn Door” to me. This was a gift from Rockergirrl and her family for Leif. It is one of his favorites and has been for awhile. If you haven’t seen it, the book asks the question “Who says [insert animal sound]?” Then you open the barn door or other flap to find the animal standing there. Leif obviously knows this book well.
The book’s version:
“Who says neigh?”
Open the corral flap to find a horse.
“A horse!”
Leif’s version:
“Who say horse?”
Open the corral flap to find a horse.
“E-I-E-I-O! NEIGHHHHH!!”
Apparently any book about farm animals has to have E-I-E-I-O inserted in ad nauseum. They MUST sing Old MacDonald at least 15 times a day at daycare.
Wow am I lucky to have such a wonderful little boy. I am pleased that he doesn’t seem to be a bully, yet he doesn’t appear to be bullied. He makes friends and loves to make people laugh. He has an infectious laugh and an addictive smile. Who knew having a kid would be so cool?
There is only one explanation for this recent change… my little boy is growing up and maturing. He is understanding more and more everyday as well as becoming more capable at expressing his needs and wants.
This morning I dropped him off at daycare. The drop offs have been far better lately and I am pleased to report that we get a hello every single day when we walk in the door now. Leif has his routine whereby he goes to the fridge and empties his lunchbox into the blue and red bins. Blue for stays cold (yogurt, lunchmeat, sandwiches, fruit) and hot for “to be heated” (pasta, veggies, etc). We are still working on which foods get heated and which stay cold, and the fact that his two little oatmeal cookies for dessert are neither of these and stay in the lunchbox. To minimize meltdowns the cookies have been going into the blue container.
Leif walked in today and his friend Atticus’ eyes lit up. Here came Atticus with his arms open wide. But Leif didn’t want a hug from Atticus and kept turning to me for “mo kissies” and “hogs”. I kept trying to convince him to go play with Atti. Finally Leif looked at me, waved and walked up to Atti where he was greeted with the biggest bearhug from a 2 year old. Leif put his arms around Atti and hugged him back. They embraced for about 30 seconds (I watched through the door) and then they ran off together to play. Awww! Tears!! My little boy has a friend he made on his own. And wow are they cute!
Every age is the best. I have heard that the terrible two’s are approaching. Leif’s doctor has stated that with her boys, it wasn’t the terrible two’s, it’s the “terrible 18 month olds”. So far I think she is right. And I think Leif is just emerging from this phase. I know, he isn’t yet two, who knows what is waiting out there for me on the other side. I may come back to this post and laugh at my naïve self.
Then again a lot of the things that I hear as complaints about two year olds may not bother me so much. I have heard that their striving for independence as well as dawdling be it perceived dawdling because of the desire for independence and doing things themselves or dawdling for no real apparent reason. I am actually a pretty laid back person and I enjoy seeing Leif attempt things by himself. Most mornings being late in, isn’t an issue. I am rarely really in a hurry. So maybe it is more how easily one gets annoyed by the slow toddler pace? Oh I am sure I will reach my limit.
But for now I see that things have improved this past week as compared to the last six months. For the most part Leif can convey what he wants, he is very verbal. He cracks me up the way he chatters away about random things. He loves to “read” and has recently taken to reading to me, which really just slays me. Last night he wanted to see Cookie on TV. So I put on a Sesame Street we have recorded to Tivo. We watched the couple of Cookie Monster parts, fast forwarding through the others. Then I asked him if he wanted to read. He leapt off the couch with such gusto and ran full speed to his room. By the time I got there he had a few books picked out. No more reading the same book over and over and over (crossing my fingers, knocking on wood…). Nope we read one and he says “all done” and finds another.
Last night I asked Leif to read “Open the Barn Door” to me. This was a gift from Rockergirrl and her family for Leif. It is one of his favorites and has been for awhile. If you haven’t seen it, the book asks the question “Who says [insert animal sound]?” Then you open the barn door or other flap to find the animal standing there. Leif obviously knows this book well.
The book’s version:
“Who says neigh?”
Open the corral flap to find a horse.
“A horse!”
Leif’s version:
“Who say horse?”
Open the corral flap to find a horse.
“E-I-E-I-O! NEIGHHHHH!!”
Apparently any book about farm animals has to have E-I-E-I-O inserted in ad nauseum. They MUST sing Old MacDonald at least 15 times a day at daycare.
Wow am I lucky to have such a wonderful little boy. I am pleased that he doesn’t seem to be a bully, yet he doesn’t appear to be bullied. He makes friends and loves to make people laugh. He has an infectious laugh and an addictive smile. Who knew having a kid would be so cool?
Thursday, June 29, 2006
10 Realizations
The talk of “jobs” in the e-mails from a few profs? Yeah, that was jobs for their students here, with me. Or without me, but here where I work. Realization #1, that working here is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for many.
So I am struggling right now to establish my own program here and get a good, reliable, consistent source of funding going. Realization #2 that academia would be a much harder battle, for the same exact thing with added balking from coworkers that I need to pick up my child at 5pm from daycare.
Reno… ahh yes, Reno. The glitz, the glamour, the good food, the national forest on the edge of town, Lake Tahoe, skiing, the shopping (ohhh… the shopping at the NEW mall…). Realization #3, Reno, ahh yes, Reno, the cigarette smoke in the grocery stores, non-existence of non-smoking restaurants, the gambling culture, private school until age 18 since no school bonds ever pass and schools suck rocks, the forest fires where the smoke fills in the valley, teaching at a university with the highest drop out rate in the US…
The professors I adored, who dropped everything to answer my question or sign a form? I love them. I could so fit into their network. Realization #4, the in fighting and bickering kills me, in my 3 days there I was privy to the last four years of who is the bigger snake in the grass… and they will never see me as anything but a former student.
The restaurants are so much better in Reno… and I love good food, especially sushi. Realization #5, that new little sushi shop here in town that just went in apparently? From first exposure appears to knocks the socks off Kyoto (which btw, has apparently taken a nosedive recently since the manager was rolling sushi).
In NM’s mind, “Oh, there is that fellow from the lab, I could never approach him, plus he is there with his wife, I will leave them alone.” Realization #6, they actually WANTED to have meals with me, we have an amazing amount in common and that I have new friends now. Oh, and fellows are human too… and therefore not immune from food poisoning courtesy of the banquet in his own honor. (I hope it doesn’t hurt me professionally that I introduced his wife to Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma… he needs to get her out more often! I mean who doesn’t know about PB and WS??)
Will Leif even notice I am gone? He is so into daddy right now. Daddy does everything. “Daddy funny”, “Daddy play”, "Daddy shovel", “Daddy outside”, “Howp daddy”, “Daddy toot” (Ok, so I don’t want the last one.) Realization #7, my son needs me and missed me terribly. Oh, and so did my husband.
I have to buy Leif things to make up for being gone. He will love the shark shirt, the elephant puzzle, the Cookie Monster cookies, the cow (or pow) soap and the backpack. Realization #8, presents really are just an extra, he just wanted me. Except maybe the Cookie Monster cookies…
I just want to stick my nose in my book on the flight and read. Don’t make eye contact with the person next to you on the plane, they might want to talk. Realization #9, you never know who you end up sitting by, he might offer your husband a job!
Wanderlust? Anywhere but here? Realization #10, this is a neat place, our friends are here, I have a good job. It is damn hot, but that makes the produce and the wine taste even better. Living here the rest of my life? There are worse places.
So I am struggling right now to establish my own program here and get a good, reliable, consistent source of funding going. Realization #2 that academia would be a much harder battle, for the same exact thing with added balking from coworkers that I need to pick up my child at 5pm from daycare.
Reno… ahh yes, Reno. The glitz, the glamour, the good food, the national forest on the edge of town, Lake Tahoe, skiing, the shopping (ohhh… the shopping at the NEW mall…). Realization #3, Reno, ahh yes, Reno, the cigarette smoke in the grocery stores, non-existence of non-smoking restaurants, the gambling culture, private school until age 18 since no school bonds ever pass and schools suck rocks, the forest fires where the smoke fills in the valley, teaching at a university with the highest drop out rate in the US…
The professors I adored, who dropped everything to answer my question or sign a form? I love them. I could so fit into their network. Realization #4, the in fighting and bickering kills me, in my 3 days there I was privy to the last four years of who is the bigger snake in the grass… and they will never see me as anything but a former student.
The restaurants are so much better in Reno… and I love good food, especially sushi. Realization #5, that new little sushi shop here in town that just went in apparently? From first exposure appears to knocks the socks off Kyoto (which btw, has apparently taken a nosedive recently since the manager was rolling sushi).
In NM’s mind, “Oh, there is that fellow from the lab, I could never approach him, plus he is there with his wife, I will leave them alone.” Realization #6, they actually WANTED to have meals with me, we have an amazing amount in common and that I have new friends now. Oh, and fellows are human too… and therefore not immune from food poisoning courtesy of the banquet in his own honor. (I hope it doesn’t hurt me professionally that I introduced his wife to Pottery Barn and Williams Sonoma… he needs to get her out more often! I mean who doesn’t know about PB and WS??)
Will Leif even notice I am gone? He is so into daddy right now. Daddy does everything. “Daddy funny”, “Daddy play”, "Daddy shovel", “Daddy outside”, “Howp daddy”, “Daddy toot” (Ok, so I don’t want the last one.) Realization #7, my son needs me and missed me terribly. Oh, and so did my husband.
I have to buy Leif things to make up for being gone. He will love the shark shirt, the elephant puzzle, the Cookie Monster cookies, the cow (or pow) soap and the backpack. Realization #8, presents really are just an extra, he just wanted me. Except maybe the Cookie Monster cookies…
I just want to stick my nose in my book on the flight and read. Don’t make eye contact with the person next to you on the plane, they might want to talk. Realization #9, you never know who you end up sitting by, he might offer your husband a job!
Wanderlust? Anywhere but here? Realization #10, this is a neat place, our friends are here, I have a good job. It is damn hot, but that makes the produce and the wine taste even better. Living here the rest of my life? There are worse places.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Wanderlust
Is this what I have? Is "wanderlust" my problem? I am wondering if it is just that time of year when I want to go somewhere, anywhere, far from here. Or if it is a permanent feeling that ebbs and flows and is associated with "this place".
I am traveling on Sunday, so it doesn't seem as though I should be feeling it so strong. I am so excited to go to Reno. Enough excited that I am feeling like a bad mom (episode #2 today) because I am not only looking forward to it, but looking forward to a "me" break.
My mom and stepdad are going to Alaska in August and I am insanely jealous. I provided a recent list with links of everywhere they have to go (dining, attractions, even my favorite grocery store). I then whined to my mom that putting all that info together just made me want to go with them.
It isn't just Alaska. I was thinking the other dayback to my trip to Colorado last summer with fondness. What they say about distance makes the heart grow fonder... totally true. It was a really hard trip, both in dealing with family and handling a one year old on my own, but I hardly remember that now! Right about now if I had the time off available I would do it again. My mom's neighborhood pool is calling my name.
Then I think about Hawaii. now that's a vacation. Or just GIVE me two days in San Francisco. (AVS conference 2007, here I come!)
But would travel cure me? Or is it a more deep rooted dissatisfaction with this region. Whenever someone mentions to me the possibility of jobs elsewhere, my mind starts rolling. Would I move back to Reno given an opportunity? Alaska? Anywhere else but here?
Since the time I was about 13, I have moved nearly exactly every five to six years. From Wyoming to Fort Collins, CO at 13. When I was 19 I moved to Boulder to go to school. At 24 I moved to Reno. Age 30 here. I am nearing that typical move point. I don't think of myself as restless. I really like the idea of settling down somewhere for life. But what would that take? What exactly are our requirements? This place isn't out of the running. It is near the top given the quality schools, the job potentials for me, and our friends are here. But wow I miss the mountains. I miss shopping. I miss good food.
Today I have found myself far less dissatisfied with work here. I think the past few weeks of waiting for things to happen and prodding people like stubborn cows, leaves far too much time for me to think what if and scan the job ads and read (probably way too far) into a few requests from old profs (one who is retiring) to meet when I come to town for the conference on Sunday. (Five copies of my CV arepacked... just in case.)
Nope, today I have been busy, I have been reassured of my future position on 3 of my 4 projects for next fiscal year. So things are looking good and my major fear of having to go to my manager and tell her I need work has been postponed. What does the future hold? I don't want a crystal ball, I love surprises. Just a hint please.
Oh yes, bad mom move #1. AB dresses Leif in the mornings and this morning I overheard him on the monitor talking about cutting off some of Leif's pants. I take off RUNNING to Leif's room. I explain that he will NOT be cutting off Leif's pants. I bought a number of those jeans from Gymboree and Gap and they are not cheap. Whereas I can pick up a pair of shorts from Target for $2.99 that are "play" clothes he can wear to daycare. So since *I* have not done laundry this week, because *someone* didn't tell me Leif was running out of clothes, he had no shorts today. Bad mom move #1 - pulling out the single pair of "not visibly dirty" pair of shorts from the laundry basket and toss them to AB to put on Leif.
Yes, my kid is in already worn shorts today. Trip toTarget for new play shorts for daycare is first on the agenda tomorrow. After that a trip to Costco only because I am feeling neglected being that AB only goes lately since he can go during the day. I love that place. A BBQ to attend Saturday afternoon where I will be watching Leif like a hawk. One of the other children at the BBQ is NOT socialized at all and has a history of plain being mean. And he is big. One of my coworkers and I have a pact to watch Leif and his daughter like hawks, lest one of them gets clocked upside the head with a chair courtesy ofDuncan-the-Wild. I really despise that child. How can such nice, sincere, friendly people have such a wild beast for a child?
I am traveling on Sunday, so it doesn't seem as though I should be feeling it so strong. I am so excited to go to Reno. Enough excited that I am feeling like a bad mom (episode #2 today) because I am not only looking forward to it, but looking forward to a "me" break.
My mom and stepdad are going to Alaska in August and I am insanely jealous. I provided a recent list with links of everywhere they have to go (dining, attractions, even my favorite grocery store). I then whined to my mom that putting all that info together just made me want to go with them.
It isn't just Alaska. I was thinking the other dayback to my trip to Colorado last summer with fondness. What they say about distance makes the heart grow fonder... totally true. It was a really hard trip, both in dealing with family and handling a one year old on my own, but I hardly remember that now! Right about now if I had the time off available I would do it again. My mom's neighborhood pool is calling my name.
Then I think about Hawaii. now that's a vacation. Or just GIVE me two days in San Francisco. (AVS conference 2007, here I come!)
But would travel cure me? Or is it a more deep rooted dissatisfaction with this region. Whenever someone mentions to me the possibility of jobs elsewhere, my mind starts rolling. Would I move back to Reno given an opportunity? Alaska? Anywhere else but here?
Since the time I was about 13, I have moved nearly exactly every five to six years. From Wyoming to Fort Collins, CO at 13. When I was 19 I moved to Boulder to go to school. At 24 I moved to Reno. Age 30 here. I am nearing that typical move point. I don't think of myself as restless. I really like the idea of settling down somewhere for life. But what would that take? What exactly are our requirements? This place isn't out of the running. It is near the top given the quality schools, the job potentials for me, and our friends are here. But wow I miss the mountains. I miss shopping. I miss good food.
Today I have found myself far less dissatisfied with work here. I think the past few weeks of waiting for things to happen and prodding people like stubborn cows, leaves far too much time for me to think what if and scan the job ads and read (probably way too far) into a few requests from old profs (one who is retiring) to meet when I come to town for the conference on Sunday. (Five copies of my CV arepacked... just in case.)
Nope, today I have been busy, I have been reassured of my future position on 3 of my 4 projects for next fiscal year. So things are looking good and my major fear of having to go to my manager and tell her I need work has been postponed. What does the future hold? I don't want a crystal ball, I love surprises. Just a hint please.
Oh yes, bad mom move #1. AB dresses Leif in the mornings and this morning I overheard him on the monitor talking about cutting off some of Leif's pants. I take off RUNNING to Leif's room. I explain that he will NOT be cutting off Leif's pants. I bought a number of those jeans from Gymboree and Gap and they are not cheap. Whereas I can pick up a pair of shorts from Target for $2.99 that are "play" clothes he can wear to daycare. So since *I* have not done laundry this week, because *someone* didn't tell me Leif was running out of clothes, he had no shorts today. Bad mom move #1 - pulling out the single pair of "not visibly dirty" pair of shorts from the laundry basket and toss them to AB to put on Leif.
Yes, my kid is in already worn shorts today. Trip toTarget for new play shorts for daycare is first on the agenda tomorrow. After that a trip to Costco only because I am feeling neglected being that AB only goes lately since he can go during the day. I love that place. A BBQ to attend Saturday afternoon where I will be watching Leif like a hawk. One of the other children at the BBQ is NOT socialized at all and has a history of plain being mean. And he is big. One of my coworkers and I have a pact to watch Leif and his daughter like hawks, lest one of them gets clocked upside the head with a chair courtesy ofDuncan-the-Wild. I really despise that child. How can such nice, sincere, friendly people have such a wild beast for a child?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Just your typical day
Miss Pink just kills me. She did wear grey today, but those fingernails! LONG and hot pink. Ok, so telecon got a little boring today. 33 pages of presentations from one person. While I would have liked to be doing something else during this time, my PM saves me a seat beside him since I have a laptop. That way he can see the presentations as needed on a computer screen instead of his crappy print-outs. So, alas, I can’t really sit and do other things. Miss Pink on the other hand is a doodler. I used to be a doodler too. So given this I am more interested in what exactly she is doodling. Something elaborate, weirdly shaped, OMG is that a point sticking out there? It is looking quite, umm… phallic with those ridges near the end! Oh wait. No, no… she is looking at something next to me as she draws. Eyes up and back down and doodle, up down doodle. What is she drawing? (She obviously sucks at drawing since I couldn’t figure it out…) I scan around me, in front of me and then I see it! She is drawing our PM’s cell phone. (The sticky outty thing was the antenna.) Just weird.
AB “gets” to go in the water tomorrow night at sailing. He calls me and tells me that they will be capsizing and recovering the boats! And he says it with such gusto and enthusiasm. Sounds like so much fun… gee darn I don’t get to go. (If I was speaking you would note no enthusiasm whatsoever with tipping boats over.) Nope, instead C is coming over to visit Leif and I and then V is bringing over burritos after she finishes wine tasting (but not swallowing the wine). I would have such a problem with that. I have decided my role in the wine industry is best suited as a consumer.
My annoyance level has been high today. First there is contracts, still dealing with them. Then there is the dope in the conference room behind me who repeatedly tried to use the door to my office to get out, ripping the picture Leif painted me, despite the sign I put on there in 90 point font that says “NOT AN EXIT”. Then there is the vendor who will not return my call and apparently they are the only ones in the US who produce this particular detector. Then there is the A/C tech who was doing his routine maintenance of our heating and air conditioning units last night and “forgot” to put the fuse to the A/C unit back in. Do you know how much whining can come out of one Alaskan husband when the heat hits 80F? Ok, I must apparently be an honorary Alaskan, I was the one who pointed out that it was 81F in the house and wtf is up with that?
AB worked on the patio project since the lake is gone today. I am getting really anxious to have a big concrete patio and not a mud pile. We are about a week behind with the project thanks to the recent downpours. So I figure with the 4th of July weekend coming up there is no way I will have my patio before mid-July. *sigh* Oh well.
No idea still on what we are doing for the 4th. We had a great last year over on the coast at my in laws cabin. But after camping this weekend, my leaving for Reno this weekend, the thought of driving 5 hours each way just makes me exhausted. Who knows. Maybe we will though.
AB “gets” to go in the water tomorrow night at sailing. He calls me and tells me that they will be capsizing and recovering the boats! And he says it with such gusto and enthusiasm. Sounds like so much fun… gee darn I don’t get to go. (If I was speaking you would note no enthusiasm whatsoever with tipping boats over.) Nope, instead C is coming over to visit Leif and I and then V is bringing over burritos after she finishes wine tasting (but not swallowing the wine). I would have such a problem with that. I have decided my role in the wine industry is best suited as a consumer.
My annoyance level has been high today. First there is contracts, still dealing with them. Then there is the dope in the conference room behind me who repeatedly tried to use the door to my office to get out, ripping the picture Leif painted me, despite the sign I put on there in 90 point font that says “NOT AN EXIT”. Then there is the vendor who will not return my call and apparently they are the only ones in the US who produce this particular detector. Then there is the A/C tech who was doing his routine maintenance of our heating and air conditioning units last night and “forgot” to put the fuse to the A/C unit back in. Do you know how much whining can come out of one Alaskan husband when the heat hits 80F? Ok, I must apparently be an honorary Alaskan, I was the one who pointed out that it was 81F in the house and wtf is up with that?
AB worked on the patio project since the lake is gone today. I am getting really anxious to have a big concrete patio and not a mud pile. We are about a week behind with the project thanks to the recent downpours. So I figure with the 4th of July weekend coming up there is no way I will have my patio before mid-July. *sigh* Oh well.
No idea still on what we are doing for the 4th. We had a great last year over on the coast at my in laws cabin. But after camping this weekend, my leaving for Reno this weekend, the thought of driving 5 hours each way just makes me exhausted. Who knows. Maybe we will though.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Camping and Leif funnies
This past weekend we camped at Mount Rainier National Park. We had planned nearly up until the last minute (which would be 1 weeks time to an analytical) to go to Mount St. Helens. When the weather started to look possibly ‘touch and go’ we started searching for different options. The weather may not have been any better, but we decided to swap out for Ohanacepash campground mainly due to the number of short nearby trails (Grove of the Patriarchs and the Hot Springs trail) that the kids could handle. Also the fact that the interpretive center was 21 miles away as opposed to 200 miles or so away from the campground at Mount St. Helens we were eyeing. St. Helens will be a fantastic trip to do when the kids are a little older and car time is tolerable knowing there is an active volcano on the other end.
It was obviously the point where the rangers are starting to expect mass overload of national park visitors and campers. The campground was maybe 25% full and it seemed as though there was one ranger for every six campers. Which meant we got one completely to ourselves. It wasn’t the same “one” everytime. But between the 15 or so who wandered by we were kept up to snuff with our campground policies. Coolers were snagged at one point by a ranger (we should have had them stored in cars), a chipmunk got stuck inside the picnic shelter (which was so sad), Winny wasn’t on a leash in the campground (the dog that patrols the campsite perimeter and would have to be hauled from our side crying than leave her “pack” – i.e., us). It just felt like if it wasn’t one thing, it was another. We were under the ranger’s microscope and we found it rather irritating. I have never been camping where seeing a ranger would set me on edge. Park rangers have always been our friends, and reasonable people. Then again, it isn’t everyday that we opt to camp in a national park either.
There isn’t a whole lot to say other than Leif and Winny loved it. I enjoyed it too. I particularly enjoyed watching Leif and seeing his constant smile. He was so cranky when he woke up on Sunday afternoon from a 3 hour nap and found us pulling into our neighborhood. Camp life was behind us and returning to civilization is not what he wanted to do. Winny either. If it was up to those two we would be wild beings that never set foot inside. Certainly if we can pick raspberries and cherries in our backyard we could survive, can’t we? I am sure Winny would kick up the chipmunk harassment to hunting in order to provide food for us all.
The return to civilization was good for Leif though. I think the camping might have relaxed him. We went to daycare on Monday, walked into his room and was promptly greeted by his teachers! He put his lunch away himself, put his lunchbox up, showed me the bins where his blanket goes and put it away and then gave me a quick kiss as he headed off to play. Wow, the difference! I can’t help but believe that part of it was him feeling welcome and like he belonged in the environment after his teachers actually greeted him.
AB had his first sailing class last night and loved it. I am so happy that he is so excited about these classes. I only feel bad that it is going to be stressful for him next week with trying to get to sailing class and leaving Leif to play with C during this time since I will be in Reno. (And stressful on V!) I really, really hope he behaves well, and thanks in advance V! We so owe you.
Leif is growing and learning leaps and bounds right now. He just amazes me all the time. A Leif funny… Leif wanted nothing to do with hot dogs. Ok, so meat in general is not Leif’s strong suit. But I remembered someone talking about octopus hot dogs. Sure enough, cut the hot dog to look like an octopus and we have a whole different ball game. Now he requests octopus for dinner!
The stall tactics are setting in. When he doesn’t want to do something he finds something else to stall it with. The favorite has become reading, and I fully believe it is because Leif knows it is my weakness. I *cannot* tell him, “no I am not going to read you a book” whereas I can tell him “No more computer Elmo” or “No more choo choos”. Nope, him bringing me a book from his bedroom with gusto squealing “read dis!” fully results in my complying with his request. Push over = me.
The one good thing about this is that books are also becoming Leif’s favorite thing to do without me. He reads “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?” by himself. Of course he doesn’t read the “I see a X Y looking at me”. It is only the “first phrase” on each page, then flip page. Oh and “What do you see” is more like “Wa-oo-see”. Enter the Clifford Animal Sounds book. He flips it open, squeals HORSE! And then says “horse, horse wa-oo-see?” and “cat cat wa-oo-see”. Obviously whatever animal is on the page then wa-oo see.
Leif also really likes singing. He is getting very good at Twinkle Twinkle. My favorite the other day was “Twinkle twinkle lito tars, ow-I (mumble mumble) ARE. Up a bove high, diamon sky, twinkle twinkle lito tars, E-I-E-I-O”.
Lately daddy is Leif’s number one. AB will NEVER get away with anything again. “Daddy get toes”, “Daddy toot”, “Daddy silly”, “Daddy make supper”. But tonight Leif also figured out something new about Daddy… that he has a name and it is easy to pronounce and gets his attention when you yell it across the house!
It was obviously the point where the rangers are starting to expect mass overload of national park visitors and campers. The campground was maybe 25% full and it seemed as though there was one ranger for every six campers. Which meant we got one completely to ourselves. It wasn’t the same “one” everytime. But between the 15 or so who wandered by we were kept up to snuff with our campground policies. Coolers were snagged at one point by a ranger (we should have had them stored in cars), a chipmunk got stuck inside the picnic shelter (which was so sad), Winny wasn’t on a leash in the campground (the dog that patrols the campsite perimeter and would have to be hauled from our side crying than leave her “pack” – i.e., us). It just felt like if it wasn’t one thing, it was another. We were under the ranger’s microscope and we found it rather irritating. I have never been camping where seeing a ranger would set me on edge. Park rangers have always been our friends, and reasonable people. Then again, it isn’t everyday that we opt to camp in a national park either.
There isn’t a whole lot to say other than Leif and Winny loved it. I enjoyed it too. I particularly enjoyed watching Leif and seeing his constant smile. He was so cranky when he woke up on Sunday afternoon from a 3 hour nap and found us pulling into our neighborhood. Camp life was behind us and returning to civilization is not what he wanted to do. Winny either. If it was up to those two we would be wild beings that never set foot inside. Certainly if we can pick raspberries and cherries in our backyard we could survive, can’t we? I am sure Winny would kick up the chipmunk harassment to hunting in order to provide food for us all.
The return to civilization was good for Leif though. I think the camping might have relaxed him. We went to daycare on Monday, walked into his room and was promptly greeted by his teachers! He put his lunch away himself, put his lunchbox up, showed me the bins where his blanket goes and put it away and then gave me a quick kiss as he headed off to play. Wow, the difference! I can’t help but believe that part of it was him feeling welcome and like he belonged in the environment after his teachers actually greeted him.
AB had his first sailing class last night and loved it. I am so happy that he is so excited about these classes. I only feel bad that it is going to be stressful for him next week with trying to get to sailing class and leaving Leif to play with C during this time since I will be in Reno. (And stressful on V!) I really, really hope he behaves well, and thanks in advance V! We so owe you.
Leif is growing and learning leaps and bounds right now. He just amazes me all the time. A Leif funny… Leif wanted nothing to do with hot dogs. Ok, so meat in general is not Leif’s strong suit. But I remembered someone talking about octopus hot dogs. Sure enough, cut the hot dog to look like an octopus and we have a whole different ball game. Now he requests octopus for dinner!
The stall tactics are setting in. When he doesn’t want to do something he finds something else to stall it with. The favorite has become reading, and I fully believe it is because Leif knows it is my weakness. I *cannot* tell him, “no I am not going to read you a book” whereas I can tell him “No more computer Elmo” or “No more choo choos”. Nope, him bringing me a book from his bedroom with gusto squealing “read dis!” fully results in my complying with his request. Push over = me.
The one good thing about this is that books are also becoming Leif’s favorite thing to do without me. He reads “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?” by himself. Of course he doesn’t read the “I see a X Y looking at me”. It is only the “first phrase” on each page, then flip page. Oh and “What do you see” is more like “Wa-oo-see”. Enter the Clifford Animal Sounds book. He flips it open, squeals HORSE! And then says “horse, horse wa-oo-see?” and “cat cat wa-oo-see”. Obviously whatever animal is on the page then wa-oo see.
Leif also really likes singing. He is getting very good at Twinkle Twinkle. My favorite the other day was “Twinkle twinkle lito tars, ow-I (mumble mumble) ARE. Up a bove high, diamon sky, twinkle twinkle lito tars, E-I-E-I-O”.
Lately daddy is Leif’s number one. AB will NEVER get away with anything again. “Daddy get toes”, “Daddy toot”, “Daddy silly”, “Daddy make supper”. But tonight Leif also figured out something new about Daddy… that he has a name and it is easy to pronounce and gets his attention when you yell it across the house!
Camping Pictures
Crossing a very scary bridge at the Grove of the Patriarchs
What doesn't everyone dance while camping?
Mommy and Leif
The first roasted marshmallows
Picture Time - Spokane
Finally. Here are some of my favorite pictures from our trip to Spokane.
The River Park
The tram to see the Spokane Falls
Kissing mommy over the falls
A choo choo!
Monday, June 19, 2006
Poking the nukes and other joys of science
I am sitting here reviewing a proposal, on my own time of course, but out of the kindness of my heart for the good of the advancement of science. No really, I am. I am thinking really hard about it. Thank goodness I am good at math. They picked the right person for this review in that regard since so many of my coworkers croak at the sight of extensive equations in documents. Furthermore, this proposal is “out there” for this particular call. I suppose they figure if they submit to an agency that seats a number of nuclear engineers and nuclear physicists they are guaranteed that no one will scoop them (now there’s an idea…) and it will get funded out of the sheer “wow” factor.
No one would WANT to scoop this proposal, but unfortunately for them, most nuclear physicists or engineers also hate to happen upon something that they don’t readily comprehend or would require them to pull a very dusty book off the shelf. There is some level of ego (read, “huge ego”) that is inherent in the fields of nuclear physics and nuclear engineering. Most nukes that I know pride themselves on hearing statements that compare their field to the brightest minds in the world. What they don’t do is deal well with technical material being placed in front of them that they don’t get, or heaven forbid, implications that electrons are where all the interesting stuff happens… color is a wonderful thing you see... For the typical nuke, defensiveness substitutes for insecurity, rapid fire questioning sets in, and the need to take something, anything, back to the nucleus of an atom is imperative. Examples:
“You are due July 22? The gestational period of a human female may well be true within a certain degree of error, but you can’t argue the decay chain of Cs-137. How would you detect that and what is the branching ratio? Branching ratios have no error associated with them, that is exact science, the only exact science.”
Or the ever present wow the non-nuke by asking them if they know exactly how much Am-241 is in the typical smoke detector… oh but your point had nothing to do with smoke detectors? Too bad, let’s talk about the characteristics of Am-241 as an alpha source AND a gamma source. Now there’s versatility packaged in a neat little device that they sell at the grocery store! Just in case you ever find yourself in the middle of a grocery store with a need to calibrate your detector, of course…
Ok, so enough poking the nuke guys and girls. Oh ha, oops, my error, do over. Enough poking the nuke guys and back to the proposal.
I typically find some comfort in math. Of course I am on page 2 of 17. Ask me again on page 15. I still am not sure how I finagled myself onto this list of proposal reviewers… it isn’t my field of training (although I worked in the field as a post-doc), it is at the federal level. I keep thinking I should e-mail them and say, “I am not sure I am who you think I am” or just flat out inquiring if I am fulfilling their quota to have a diverse review committee.
Yep, that’s me, the pessimist who hears these thoughts in my head… I don’t really deserve the “honor” bestowed upon me to review this proposal. Me, making these types of decisions? Having input on what gets funded and what doesn’t? These poor people poured their hearts and souls into this proposal, I can’t say anything bad about it. This guy probably has 20 years on me in both age and experience, I am sure he can do what he says. They won’t really read my comments will they? How long can I put this off?
Self-confidence? Mine went on a hiatus after grad school. It wasn’t immediate. It was eroded away through my crappy post-doc experience. (Which I don’t need to speak anymore about here.) Suffice it to say that it is obvious that my true calling was not nuclear physics as proven by my lack of self-confidence.
I was starting to feel better about where I was in my career and what was going on after landing a major proposal with a Co-PI, however I was the concept originator. I moved out of the nuclear group and into a much more appropriate group of chemists and biologists and I got promoted. However, I was placed on the trace organic team, which is only a touch closer to my true expertise and calling than nuclear physics, mostly in that I once took an organic chemistry class or two. I was feeling good about things.
Then I had my goals meeting with my team lead recently who starts out by saying, “Well NM, I am glad to have you on my team, however, I have to admit that I am still not sure I understand why you left the nuke group, especially given that your funded proposal is in their realm”. I muster up some drivel about how I couldn’t compete with the nuclear physicists, I was stagnated and why would someone ask me to work on their projects instead of a real nuke? (I don’t delve into the depths.) He shrugs and replies, but you were busy, and you have obviously proven you can compete when you landed the proposal.
Hasta la vista self confidence.
I believe my leaving my former group was a good idea. No more working with a bunch of sexist pigs, err, I mean nuclear guys. But now I work by myself for a large part. My team lead doesn’t understand what I do. My manager is nice, new, and I never ever see her because she deems me self-sufficient, in other words, I don’t bug her to help me find work and I am not a “management issue”. My mentor calls me “versatile”, but reminds me that versatility can be bad. Versatility = one damn expensive technician.
As my return to Reno is pending and I know I will spend a lot of time talking with former professors answering a lot of questions that will arise. In my own head I am trying to work the answers out. My advisor initially advised me against taking the post-doc here and instead spending more time searching for something where my expertise was more pertinent. But the noble part of me wanted a crack at saving the world from terrorists one atom at a time. What American scientist didn’t start thinking of their own research in terms of “could this help in searching for the people who funded 9-11”? Part of me wishes I would have listened. What would that post-doc in Fairbanks have been like? What if I would have given NREL or LANL a little more time? In the long run, things have worked out super for me here. I am nearing my 5 year mark where I vest in a pension fund (that will likely disappear), I will have 4 weeks vacation a year, I was able to buy a house as a post-doc. But do you find my name in journals? If you know the nuke journals, you might find it in a place or two. Can I do my work without TORI sitting next to me? Nope.
How do I answer the questions my professors will ask about my career? I have heard from fellow grad students behind me that I am the shining example that is held up to many incoming grad students at my small alma mater (do they still call grad schools alma maters?) Not one of the slackers or I mean, students that is still floating around from post-doc to post-doc, or skiing at Lake Tahoe on the trust fund, or the more typical and quite appealing right now positions like taking a community college teaching position, or settling into one of many industry positions
What if?
(And I really am reviewing this proposal…)
No one would WANT to scoop this proposal, but unfortunately for them, most nuclear physicists or engineers also hate to happen upon something that they don’t readily comprehend or would require them to pull a very dusty book off the shelf. There is some level of ego (read, “huge ego”) that is inherent in the fields of nuclear physics and nuclear engineering. Most nukes that I know pride themselves on hearing statements that compare their field to the brightest minds in the world. What they don’t do is deal well with technical material being placed in front of them that they don’t get, or heaven forbid, implications that electrons are where all the interesting stuff happens… color is a wonderful thing you see... For the typical nuke, defensiveness substitutes for insecurity, rapid fire questioning sets in, and the need to take something, anything, back to the nucleus of an atom is imperative. Examples:
“You are due July 22? The gestational period of a human female may well be true within a certain degree of error, but you can’t argue the decay chain of Cs-137. How would you detect that and what is the branching ratio? Branching ratios have no error associated with them, that is exact science, the only exact science.”
Or the ever present wow the non-nuke by asking them if they know exactly how much Am-241 is in the typical smoke detector… oh but your point had nothing to do with smoke detectors? Too bad, let’s talk about the characteristics of Am-241 as an alpha source AND a gamma source. Now there’s versatility packaged in a neat little device that they sell at the grocery store! Just in case you ever find yourself in the middle of a grocery store with a need to calibrate your detector, of course…
Ok, so enough poking the nuke guys and girls. Oh ha, oops, my error, do over. Enough poking the nuke guys and back to the proposal.
I typically find some comfort in math. Of course I am on page 2 of 17. Ask me again on page 15. I still am not sure how I finagled myself onto this list of proposal reviewers… it isn’t my field of training (although I worked in the field as a post-doc), it is at the federal level. I keep thinking I should e-mail them and say, “I am not sure I am who you think I am” or just flat out inquiring if I am fulfilling their quota to have a diverse review committee.
Yep, that’s me, the pessimist who hears these thoughts in my head… I don’t really deserve the “honor” bestowed upon me to review this proposal. Me, making these types of decisions? Having input on what gets funded and what doesn’t? These poor people poured their hearts and souls into this proposal, I can’t say anything bad about it. This guy probably has 20 years on me in both age and experience, I am sure he can do what he says. They won’t really read my comments will they? How long can I put this off?
Self-confidence? Mine went on a hiatus after grad school. It wasn’t immediate. It was eroded away through my crappy post-doc experience. (Which I don’t need to speak anymore about here.) Suffice it to say that it is obvious that my true calling was not nuclear physics as proven by my lack of self-confidence.
I was starting to feel better about where I was in my career and what was going on after landing a major proposal with a Co-PI, however I was the concept originator. I moved out of the nuclear group and into a much more appropriate group of chemists and biologists and I got promoted. However, I was placed on the trace organic team, which is only a touch closer to my true expertise and calling than nuclear physics, mostly in that I once took an organic chemistry class or two. I was feeling good about things.
Then I had my goals meeting with my team lead recently who starts out by saying, “Well NM, I am glad to have you on my team, however, I have to admit that I am still not sure I understand why you left the nuke group, especially given that your funded proposal is in their realm”. I muster up some drivel about how I couldn’t compete with the nuclear physicists, I was stagnated and why would someone ask me to work on their projects instead of a real nuke? (I don’t delve into the depths.) He shrugs and replies, but you were busy, and you have obviously proven you can compete when you landed the proposal.
Hasta la vista self confidence.
I believe my leaving my former group was a good idea. No more working with a bunch of sexist pigs, err, I mean nuclear guys. But now I work by myself for a large part. My team lead doesn’t understand what I do. My manager is nice, new, and I never ever see her because she deems me self-sufficient, in other words, I don’t bug her to help me find work and I am not a “management issue”. My mentor calls me “versatile”, but reminds me that versatility can be bad. Versatility = one damn expensive technician.
As my return to Reno is pending and I know I will spend a lot of time talking with former professors answering a lot of questions that will arise. In my own head I am trying to work the answers out. My advisor initially advised me against taking the post-doc here and instead spending more time searching for something where my expertise was more pertinent. But the noble part of me wanted a crack at saving the world from terrorists one atom at a time. What American scientist didn’t start thinking of their own research in terms of “could this help in searching for the people who funded 9-11”? Part of me wishes I would have listened. What would that post-doc in Fairbanks have been like? What if I would have given NREL or LANL a little more time? In the long run, things have worked out super for me here. I am nearing my 5 year mark where I vest in a pension fund (that will likely disappear), I will have 4 weeks vacation a year, I was able to buy a house as a post-doc. But do you find my name in journals? If you know the nuke journals, you might find it in a place or two. Can I do my work without TORI sitting next to me? Nope.
How do I answer the questions my professors will ask about my career? I have heard from fellow grad students behind me that I am the shining example that is held up to many incoming grad students at my small alma mater (do they still call grad schools alma maters?) Not one of the slackers or I mean, students that is still floating around from post-doc to post-doc, or skiing at Lake Tahoe on the trust fund, or the more typical and quite appealing right now positions like taking a community college teaching position, or settling into one of many industry positions
What if?
(And I really am reviewing this proposal…)
Friday, June 16, 2006
Friday finally
I am out of here in about 2 hours. Off to pick up Leif at that point, with hopefully a brief hiatus in the school's office before making my way down to his room to retrieve him. I am having serious issues with the two other teachers (not his teacher) in his room right now and the toddler director is going to hear about it. I called AB after I got in, forcing back the tears.
Leif ran straight to his old room again, then wailed and screamed that he couldn't go in. I carried him to his new room where two of the teachers were sitting in the back cutting up pieces of paper whispering. Not another child in sight, which isn't uncommon on Fridays. We went over and put Leif's lunch away, tried to get him to surrender the lunchbox, talked about seeing the rabbits, etc. All the while the two teachers sat whispering and cutting paper in the back of the room.
Finally I yell out, "hello everybody". They look up and say "hi". "Thanks", I reply to them, "I am not comfortable with just leaving him in a room where he isn't acknowledged." Then Miss Kaitlyn (his teacher) walks in and scoops him up to go look at rabbits. I left with tears in my eyes out of anger and knowing exactly why Leif doesn't like going to his new room. He doesn't feel welcomed. Yes, there are probably other issues he is working through with the transition. But this shit has to stop.
No one can convince me it is just the environment of the room, the quietness of the room. It is plain rude not to say hello. People don't come into (or even just walk by) my office without getting a smile and "hello". And I am "shy".
Ok, now that I got that off my chest! We are headed out to go camping this weekend at Rainier. AB is thrilled about it and is packing our things as I write this. I find myself, as I get older, being less enthused about camping. I like my creature comforts. I like my comfortable bed, I like my shower, I like my kitchen with soap and hot water sans copious numbers of bugs. I enjoy being in the outdoors, I enjoy going for hikes and being in areas that aren't convenient for a day trip. But my need for comfort is increasing as every year goes by.
I never thought I would find myself saying this. I have loved camping my entire life and used to make fun of people who "camped" in RVs. But I am starting to think that's where it's at. Last year our goal was to get a travel trailer or pop up camper to make camp life more comfortable. Unfortunately we also took a few major monetary hits with a variety of things like my teeth, needing a new computer, AB being layed off, etc. And the purchase has been put off indefinitely.
I am trying to keep a positive outlook and not dwell on wondering how comfortable I am really going to be sleeping, or trying to keep the mosquitos (which I am *sure* all have West Nile) off Leif, and trying to keep Leif away from the fire. I am remembering the positives, like staying in a gorgeous national park with some wonderful hikes nearby. Like sitting around the campfire, after the kids have gone to bed, with good friends and good alcohol. Like seeing my husband in his element, outdoors. And sharing natures wonders with my son, establishing memories for him to think back about when he was just a little boy and going camping. I think about these things and realize how incredibly selfish my need for comfort really is.
(But next year we are getting a tent trailer of some sort!)
Leif ran straight to his old room again, then wailed and screamed that he couldn't go in. I carried him to his new room where two of the teachers were sitting in the back cutting up pieces of paper whispering. Not another child in sight, which isn't uncommon on Fridays. We went over and put Leif's lunch away, tried to get him to surrender the lunchbox, talked about seeing the rabbits, etc. All the while the two teachers sat whispering and cutting paper in the back of the room.
Finally I yell out, "hello everybody". They look up and say "hi". "Thanks", I reply to them, "I am not comfortable with just leaving him in a room where he isn't acknowledged." Then Miss Kaitlyn (his teacher) walks in and scoops him up to go look at rabbits. I left with tears in my eyes out of anger and knowing exactly why Leif doesn't like going to his new room. He doesn't feel welcomed. Yes, there are probably other issues he is working through with the transition. But this shit has to stop.
No one can convince me it is just the environment of the room, the quietness of the room. It is plain rude not to say hello. People don't come into (or even just walk by) my office without getting a smile and "hello". And I am "shy".
Ok, now that I got that off my chest! We are headed out to go camping this weekend at Rainier. AB is thrilled about it and is packing our things as I write this. I find myself, as I get older, being less enthused about camping. I like my creature comforts. I like my comfortable bed, I like my shower, I like my kitchen with soap and hot water sans copious numbers of bugs. I enjoy being in the outdoors, I enjoy going for hikes and being in areas that aren't convenient for a day trip. But my need for comfort is increasing as every year goes by.
I never thought I would find myself saying this. I have loved camping my entire life and used to make fun of people who "camped" in RVs. But I am starting to think that's where it's at. Last year our goal was to get a travel trailer or pop up camper to make camp life more comfortable. Unfortunately we also took a few major monetary hits with a variety of things like my teeth, needing a new computer, AB being layed off, etc. And the purchase has been put off indefinitely.
I am trying to keep a positive outlook and not dwell on wondering how comfortable I am really going to be sleeping, or trying to keep the mosquitos (which I am *sure* all have West Nile) off Leif, and trying to keep Leif away from the fire. I am remembering the positives, like staying in a gorgeous national park with some wonderful hikes nearby. Like sitting around the campfire, after the kids have gone to bed, with good friends and good alcohol. Like seeing my husband in his element, outdoors. And sharing natures wonders with my son, establishing memories for him to think back about when he was just a little boy and going camping. I think about these things and realize how incredibly selfish my need for comfort really is.
(But next year we are getting a tent trailer of some sort!)
Thursday, June 15, 2006
File this one under...
funny now with potentially embarrassing ramifications later.
Leif is learning what a "toot" is, which I prefer to use over the word "fart". I hate that word. Last night we were in the kitchen when AB "toots". He gets the typical eyeroll from me. But Leif's face lights up, he cracks up laughing and just starts howling "DADDY toot!" like it is the funniest thing EVER.
Well unfortunately for AB his gaseous episodes continue throughout the evening, courtesy of the canned chili he ate for lunch? Gag. This also meant that the comic relief from AB's MiniMe was also nonstop. And no, he can't just acknowledge "daddy toot", he has the full on, little boy, bust up laughing until you have tears rolling down your cheeks, gasp for air and squeal "DADDY toot!" down pat.
Apparently this is something I missed out on as a little girl, the world where farts are actually funny. Now I get to "enjoy" them from a whole new perspective. As the mom of a little boy. And yes, I have heard all the stories about what you can "do" with farts, courtesy of my husband... lighters will remain hidden until my children are 30.
Leif is learning what a "toot" is, which I prefer to use over the word "fart". I hate that word. Last night we were in the kitchen when AB "toots". He gets the typical eyeroll from me. But Leif's face lights up, he cracks up laughing and just starts howling "DADDY toot!" like it is the funniest thing EVER.
Well unfortunately for AB his gaseous episodes continue throughout the evening, courtesy of the canned chili he ate for lunch? Gag. This also meant that the comic relief from AB's MiniMe was also nonstop. And no, he can't just acknowledge "daddy toot", he has the full on, little boy, bust up laughing until you have tears rolling down your cheeks, gasp for air and squeal "DADDY toot!" down pat.
Apparently this is something I missed out on as a little girl, the world where farts are actually funny. Now I get to "enjoy" them from a whole new perspective. As the mom of a little boy. And yes, I have heard all the stories about what you can "do" with farts, courtesy of my husband... lighters will remain hidden until my children are 30.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
How about a little sand in your ear?
Apparently Leif wasn't asked. Or if he was he didn't intelligently respond "no thank you".
His teacher called this morning to let me know that another child threw sand at Leif and it went in his ear, deep. They are not allowed to put anything into the child's ear and so therefore she called me. And I called the nurse. And the nurse left a message for me while I was in a meeting. And I called her back.
The verdict is to irrigate with a 50:50 mix of water and H2O2. And she suggested we do it because it will probably go a whole lot better if we tackle this than if we bring him in to have it done "since he IS a two year old". Lovely.
--------------------
So the drop off went a little better this morning. Only in the fact though, that Leif was not screaming when I left. We went in and Leif went running straight to his old room. I told him no, we are going to your new room. He started with the "no, no" again and so we went off to the side to talk a little (as much as you can talk to a nearly 2 year old) about that we will be going into the new room and his friends are all arriving. About then Miss Michelle walks by and asks him what is going on. Leif has a crush on Miss Michelle and I really think the feeling is mutual.
Wonderful Miss Michelle drops everything and suggests that they go out and feed the rabbits. Leif is thrilled by this prospect and is a little disappointed when I don't join them, but he walks off with thoughts of bunnies in his head.
This is something that irritates me about his two new teachers. The room Leif is in, has the worst reputation in the entire school. Complaints of "it's too quiet" and "the teachers lack personality in there" are all around. We don't have a choice of rooms and for the 2-3 year olds, this is it. We aren't dissatisfied enough to leave, we still love the progran, but what is really starting to bug me (after a whole 3 days) is that when I walk in the two teachers who are there (not Miss Kaitlyn, Leif's teacher, she isn't in when we drop off most of the time), say nothing. No "HI Leif, how are you!" or "would you like to work on this over here". Nothing. They stand and look, with blank stares on their faces.
I told AB this morning after this drop of that I am speaking to the toddler coordinator about this. The two teachers are not making any effort to engage Leif when he walks into the room. No wonder he doesn't want to be there. I wouldn't either. AB encouraged me first to give it a full week. If come Monday, things are still going bad, to go to the head teacher and talk to her about it. If things still don't improve then go to the toddler coordinator. He is probably right, but I guess I am just used to more. And I frankly don't care that they are "shy" people. I am a shy person too. You compensate, you overcome it, you are in charge of people's children, convince us that you actually might like the kids.
His teacher called this morning to let me know that another child threw sand at Leif and it went in his ear, deep. They are not allowed to put anything into the child's ear and so therefore she called me. And I called the nurse. And the nurse left a message for me while I was in a meeting. And I called her back.
The verdict is to irrigate with a 50:50 mix of water and H2O2. And she suggested we do it because it will probably go a whole lot better if we tackle this than if we bring him in to have it done "since he IS a two year old". Lovely.
--------------------
So the drop off went a little better this morning. Only in the fact though, that Leif was not screaming when I left. We went in and Leif went running straight to his old room. I told him no, we are going to your new room. He started with the "no, no" again and so we went off to the side to talk a little (as much as you can talk to a nearly 2 year old) about that we will be going into the new room and his friends are all arriving. About then Miss Michelle walks by and asks him what is going on. Leif has a crush on Miss Michelle and I really think the feeling is mutual.
Wonderful Miss Michelle drops everything and suggests that they go out and feed the rabbits. Leif is thrilled by this prospect and is a little disappointed when I don't join them, but he walks off with thoughts of bunnies in his head.
This is something that irritates me about his two new teachers. The room Leif is in, has the worst reputation in the entire school. Complaints of "it's too quiet" and "the teachers lack personality in there" are all around. We don't have a choice of rooms and for the 2-3 year olds, this is it. We aren't dissatisfied enough to leave, we still love the progran, but what is really starting to bug me (after a whole 3 days) is that when I walk in the two teachers who are there (not Miss Kaitlyn, Leif's teacher, she isn't in when we drop off most of the time), say nothing. No "HI Leif, how are you!" or "would you like to work on this over here". Nothing. They stand and look, with blank stares on their faces.
I told AB this morning after this drop of that I am speaking to the toddler coordinator about this. The two teachers are not making any effort to engage Leif when he walks into the room. No wonder he doesn't want to be there. I wouldn't either. AB encouraged me first to give it a full week. If come Monday, things are still going bad, to go to the head teacher and talk to her about it. If things still don't improve then go to the toddler coordinator. He is probably right, but I guess I am just used to more. And I frankly don't care that they are "shy" people. I am a shy person too. You compensate, you overcome it, you are in charge of people's children, convince us that you actually might like the kids.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)