I am sitting here reviewing a proposal, on my own time of course, but out of the kindness of my heart for the good of the advancement of science. No really, I am. I am thinking really hard about it. Thank goodness I am good at math. They picked the right person for this review in that regard since so many of my coworkers croak at the sight of extensive equations in documents. Furthermore, this proposal is “out there” for this particular call. I suppose they figure if they submit to an agency that seats a number of nuclear engineers and nuclear physicists they are guaranteed that no one will scoop them (now there’s an idea…) and it will get funded out of the sheer “wow” factor.
No one would WANT to scoop this proposal, but unfortunately for them, most nuclear physicists or engineers also hate to happen upon something that they don’t readily comprehend or would require them to pull a very dusty book off the shelf. There is some level of ego (read, “huge ego”) that is inherent in the fields of nuclear physics and nuclear engineering. Most nukes that I know pride themselves on hearing statements that compare their field to the brightest minds in the world. What they don’t do is deal well with technical material being placed in front of them that they don’t get, or heaven forbid, implications that electrons are where all the interesting stuff happens… color is a wonderful thing you see... For the typical nuke, defensiveness substitutes for insecurity, rapid fire questioning sets in, and the need to take something, anything, back to the nucleus of an atom is imperative. Examples:
“You are due July 22? The gestational period of a human female may well be true within a certain degree of error, but you can’t argue the decay chain of Cs-137. How would you detect that and what is the branching ratio? Branching ratios have no error associated with them, that is exact science, the only exact science.”
Or the ever present wow the non-nuke by asking them if they know exactly how much Am-241 is in the typical smoke detector… oh but your point had nothing to do with smoke detectors? Too bad, let’s talk about the characteristics of Am-241 as an alpha source AND a gamma source. Now there’s versatility packaged in a neat little device that they sell at the grocery store! Just in case you ever find yourself in the middle of a grocery store with a need to calibrate your detector, of course…
Ok, so enough poking the nuke guys and girls. Oh ha, oops, my error, do over. Enough poking the nuke guys and back to the proposal.
I typically find some comfort in math. Of course I am on page 2 of 17. Ask me again on page 15. I still am not sure how I finagled myself onto this list of proposal reviewers… it isn’t my field of training (although I worked in the field as a post-doc), it is at the federal level. I keep thinking I should e-mail them and say, “I am not sure I am who you think I am” or just flat out inquiring if I am fulfilling their quota to have a diverse review committee.
Yep, that’s me, the pessimist who hears these thoughts in my head… I don’t really deserve the “honor” bestowed upon me to review this proposal. Me, making these types of decisions? Having input on what gets funded and what doesn’t? These poor people poured their hearts and souls into this proposal, I can’t say anything bad about it. This guy probably has 20 years on me in both age and experience, I am sure he can do what he says. They won’t really read my comments will they? How long can I put this off?
Self-confidence? Mine went on a hiatus after grad school. It wasn’t immediate. It was eroded away through my crappy post-doc experience. (Which I don’t need to speak anymore about here.) Suffice it to say that it is obvious that my true calling was not nuclear physics as proven by my lack of self-confidence.
I was starting to feel better about where I was in my career and what was going on after landing a major proposal with a Co-PI, however I was the concept originator. I moved out of the nuclear group and into a much more appropriate group of chemists and biologists and I got promoted. However, I was placed on the trace organic team, which is only a touch closer to my true expertise and calling than nuclear physics, mostly in that I once took an organic chemistry class or two. I was feeling good about things.
Then I had my goals meeting with my team lead recently who starts out by saying, “Well NM, I am glad to have you on my team, however, I have to admit that I am still not sure I understand why you left the nuke group, especially given that your funded proposal is in their realm”. I muster up some drivel about how I couldn’t compete with the nuclear physicists, I was stagnated and why would someone ask me to work on their projects instead of a real nuke? (I don’t delve into the depths.) He shrugs and replies, but you were busy, and you have obviously proven you can compete when you landed the proposal.
Hasta la vista self confidence.
I believe my leaving my former group was a good idea. No more working with a bunch of sexist pigs, err, I mean nuclear guys. But now I work by myself for a large part. My team lead doesn’t understand what I do. My manager is nice, new, and I never ever see her because she deems me self-sufficient, in other words, I don’t bug her to help me find work and I am not a “management issue”. My mentor calls me “versatile”, but reminds me that versatility can be bad. Versatility = one damn expensive technician.
As my return to Reno is pending and I know I will spend a lot of time talking with former professors answering a lot of questions that will arise. In my own head I am trying to work the answers out. My advisor initially advised me against taking the post-doc here and instead spending more time searching for something where my expertise was more pertinent. But the noble part of me wanted a crack at saving the world from terrorists one atom at a time. What American scientist didn’t start thinking of their own research in terms of “could this help in searching for the people who funded 9-11”? Part of me wishes I would have listened. What would that post-doc in Fairbanks have been like? What if I would have given NREL or LANL a little more time? In the long run, things have worked out super for me here. I am nearing my 5 year mark where I vest in a pension fund (that will likely disappear), I will have 4 weeks vacation a year, I was able to buy a house as a post-doc. But do you find my name in journals? If you know the nuke journals, you might find it in a place or two. Can I do my work without TORI sitting next to me? Nope.
How do I answer the questions my professors will ask about my career? I have heard from fellow grad students behind me that I am the shining example that is held up to many incoming grad students at my small alma mater (do they still call grad schools alma maters?) Not one of the slackers or I mean, students that is still floating around from post-doc to post-doc, or skiing at Lake Tahoe on the trust fund, or the more typical and quite appealing right now positions like taking a community college teaching position, or settling into one of many industry positions
What if?
(And I really am reviewing this proposal…)
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