Changes afoot

So a few weeks ago I delved into the work side and ended with the statement that things might be changing. I never want to count my chickens before they hatch and wasn't sure how things would go. I have seen others start down this path and have it end abruptly and I feared that.

I am happy with my job with the exception of one time a year - staff development reviews. They are hard. They are nearly never happy unless you are getting promoted (which is extremely rare) - but even then they find crap  you did wrong and harp on it. But especially the year after a promotion. Sucky. My SDR this year sucked. Ok, you talk to AB and he says, "that didn't read bad, it was fine". But I know better. I know those key words.

I was perplexed by a few statements "it is the job of the PM to maintain a cohesive team". Actually not really. That is, of course, a bonus. But the job of the PM is scope, schedule and budget and if one thinks I am not going to piss people off in that, well delusional. Cohesive team? It's a goal of course, but my job? Methinks one does not understand the role of the PM - and this was confirmed in my SDR when my management made the statement that they were still trying to understand the role of the PM.

One of the things that really bothered me was the statement that I was still - after a few years of a major blow up - having PI/PM issues. WTF? I believed it to be legacy. They denied it. I work the PI/PM model with only one other person on active projects presently and he and I get along amazingly well and I am constantly getting kudos from him. So he is either a complete liar or my management is making crap up.

An example was provided to skeptic me and it was VERY obvious which project they were referring to when they talked about an instance with one of my task leads. It's that project where *I* AM THE PI. So I would be having conflicts with my PM? Oh MYSELF! I just about imploded on the spot. This is "written in stone" in my record and to me is simply evidence that my management has no idea what I am doing and never read my contribution report to understand the roles on the 9 projects I am working.

Oh and going back to the cohesive team comment - the example was that a few of my presentations this year weren't as smooth as they could have been - you could tell that multiple people / team members had contributed to the presentation and they could have been smoothed a bit. Ok fine. I buy that. I have two task leaders with VERY different styles - one sends me quarterly slides with only pictures and five words (love him) and the other sends slides with no pictures, jam packed with words and hard to read tables (no love). I try to turn it into my own presentations without completely redoing their work. I know what they are talking about. But wait, wasn't this comment about cohesive teams in reference to my being a PM? Yes? Then why is the example from the project where *I* am the PI and [that other woman] is the PM. Shouldn't this be on HER SDR if this is a PM issue?

Silence.

"Well if you ever want to promote in this group you need to work on this."

Near implosion again.

I don't recall how we got on to the topic - maybe I mentioned that the group I am spending a lot of time working with was working on a turn around office for me. And then suddenly my management piped up, "have you thought about switching groups?"

Is this a trick question? What do I say? I admit truth, "yes, I have". I have for a few years. At first I thought about leaving my directorate in favor of another - but then their funding tanked and frankly I like my directorate a lot. Then I started working a lot with one of the sister groups.

We discussed some options - I stay in this group and have my office over there. I switch groups. They gave me the option of thinking about it and all I could think of was, "oh believe me, I have been thinking about this for a year". But I hadn't been ready to pull the trigger.

I pulled that dang trigger.

It was agreed that management would talk. I would speak with the other manager. She would talk to her staff and then our division director would provide a recommendation.

And the result of this few weeks of work came down yesterday. In the hallway, I ran into my current manager. Final in a day or so, I am leaving.

Hasta la vista!

Just rambling...

You know that website Pinterest - serious suck me in waste my time thing. I try to limit my pins to things I may actually use someday, though I do like strolling through other people's quotes and styles boards. Quotes don't usually speak volumes to me. Some are cute, but in 60 seconds I have generally moved on and forgotten them and I don't need yet another thing to follow. But I have some good online friends who collect quotes and I like strolling through them.

The other day someone posted one that has stuck hard with me.

I seem to keep coming back to this in my head. It seems like in the last five years I have had a lot of this... events that have changed me. I wonder if in some weird alternate universe where you don't know my face, if some unsuspecting person met me five years ago and then again today, if they would see the same thing? I don't think so.

Of course there are the obvious ones that many of us go through - marriage, becoming a parent, etc. But there are others, small things that change you in surprisingly profound ways.

The first one that pops to my mind isn't a small one, but has probably provided the largest source of change in my life over the past 5 years, has been the process of my mom dying at a young age from cancer. How can that not change you? And in the larger scheme of things it is the way it is supposed to work, children are supposed to lose their parents first and not vice versa. (I can't even imagine the reverse.) But watching someone grapple with a diagnosis, then over time see the options deteriorate and then finally losing someone at a relatively young age. It's hard.

How has this changed my life? (How has it not... I am sure you agree.) It has affected the way I view objects. Lifetimes of stuff that have deep meaning to really only one person - yourself. It has affected the way I view life - let's get the stuff done in life we want to do! I want to vacation. I want to quit putting off things and experiences we want. (We bought a trailer last spring to camp around the Northwest and eventually beyond.) It has affected the way I see our healthcare system - even though my mom had excellent insurance she still struggled to get things paid for daily, why when someone is living their last few months, should they have to struggle with this? It has affected the way I see time spent with my kids. It has affected my view of my job - I love my job, but really in the larger scheme of things, how important is being right here? It's not. Obviously we all need money and I am reasonably employable I believe elsewhere. Why not seek other experiences?

I have a very successful coworker who recently told me very matter of factly that his family doesn't have long lifespans and so he plans to retire in 3-4 years. I have rolled this over in my head. There are no guarantees, but if the odds are not "ever in your favor"? What would you do?

Which brings me to my job... nope, I am not looking to jump ship anytime soon. I am lucky, I really like my job. But in the last 5 years as I have waffled between science and management, I have experienced things that have changed my perspective of what I do for a living. One of them is a direct link from above - I don't necessarily want to spend my entire life toiling away in a lab. In order to broaden my employability and keep my options open for life in another place, I have embraced management.

Take that a step further... I have been changed by working in management. I have learned that I can manage someone, but only to a certain degree, I can't control them, I can try to guide them, but in the end, and there will come an end, a person is going to do what he is going to do (be a dumbass) and it is his career, not mine. I first tried to embrace this as a grad student - taking control of my career and not letting things happen, but making things happen. Then again as a post-doc. I have mastered this now - I make things happen and don't wait for things to happen to me. I can't afford to jump on bandwagons. I have to stand up for myself and not be trounced on. I also have to trust that management isn't always blind. I have to trust those who are there to back me up as their job, but I can't rely on them.

This has - to a certain degree - hardened me as a person in my day to day interactions (but not as a mom). I have been forced to remain stoic while being criticized, crying only in the privacy of my home. A coworker recently told me he was surprised at how thick my skin was and had expected the opposite of me. I am not easily swayed, I view it all as "just business". When it comes to delivering bad news, I am not the one that shies away anymore.

Which brings me to my last one. I have, in the past, had a sort of lone wolf mentality at work. This was brought on early in my career when I was hired on permanently from being a post-doc and promptly told to move on by the project I was working on as they felt they could no longer afford me. Over the past few years I have built relationships at work with people I can trust, I can confide in, and who will back me up. After years of doing my own thing, this is a nice change of pace and I am not letting those people go and instead, I am working to expand this network.

So back to the personal side... AB and I have for nearly our entire courtship, lived far away from family. This has changed who I am. I don't rely on a lot of people usually. Having kids has forced me to rely on others, but I am not always comfortable with that. We have an excellent support network among our friends, but we don't have the grandparents or the big family dinners and as much as I dislike saying it, my kids have to be reminded who their families are. As the kids get older they are starting to remember people though. We, for the most part, are very used to it just being us. This has been a challenge over the past couple years as we have had a family member move near us. This has changed me in ways I won't delve into here. It has changed me in that I have someone to help out and I just have to let go and accept help from someone I know loves the kids with all her heart.
Now that you have listened to me ramble - what changes define you?

When I am a big mucky muck...

If I RSVP to a meeting I will understand that means I will BE there!

I will remember back to being a little (bitty) mucky muck and how life changing it can be to know that a big mucky muck is coming to MY review.

Yeah, you guessed it. The big mucky muck and his entourage were a no show.

We even prepared additional material to bring them up to speed and provide background.

Oh well.

The meeting went great otherwise and not only do I think it moved me and my team up in the eyes of the mid-range muckies, but I also think it helped my credibility to my own team to see me stand up and vigorously defend our program.

My lead engineer that I pulled in is notoriously late and resistant to change on the team. Really like the guy and respect his technical ability... and it is his amazing technical ability that keeps him on the team.

But dare I say that he got it?

In today's team follow up meeting I heard him repeat the same phrases that management stated on keeping on schedule and the importance and uniqueness of this project.

I smiled a bit...

Face time

I should really be headed to bed so that when my alarm goes off at 5:48am tomorrow morning I will bound out of bed and scurry down to do my exercises instead of roll over and complain that I didn't sleep enough. I really should.

But I have this big meeting tomorrow. Big big. Big as in when I stood in my manager's office the other evening with the lead engineer saying, "We have a meeting with X", she said, "yeah, I should probably be there, put it on my calendar".

It's a project review that would be typical except that the invitees are enough to make me gag a little. I didn't even have time to wonder if I was overreacting with my stomach flip flops before I got a note indicating that I might be feeling a touch nauseous at the list of invitees, but the goal of the meeting is the same as it is every quarter and to not get sidetracked. He suggested that it was just good for me to get some face time (which in my heart I was wondering if this is what they do before they fire you).

I am not sure I completely bought it at the time and so I quickly came up with my couple of people that "needed" to be there. And wow are they thrilled that I decided to pick on them!

Tomorrow I will be meeting my maker... or at least the person who signs my bosses bosses paycheck and his entourage.

And I will try not to say anything wacky, call them all by the right names, not say "umm" too much, not blush uncontrollably... and not look like I got absolutely no sleep. (Going to go work on that one right now.)

What ever happened to...

Miss Pink Post-Doc?

Glad you asked.

Way back when, on my then favorite project a young post-doc was brought onto the project. She was a recent Ph.D. grad, newlywed, optimistic as hell, go getter chemist extraordinaire and newly employed by our project.

And she drove me insane. She wore pink every.single.day, she had a pink phone that she would prop up so that she could see her dog’s picture during teleconferences. And she carried a big pink water bottle. She was naïve, laughed way too loudly, wore too tight of clothes, and was just plain annoying.

This was a few years ago.

She came onto that project at its height. We were busy and happy and well funded.

As all successful projects do, they end. Miss Pink Post-Doc was unable to obtain funding to continue her post-doc at the lab and then she found a job at an external lab. A year after she brought her pinkness into our project, she was gone. I thought I would never see her again and surprisingly enough, I was a touch bummed by this.

She kind of grew on me. She was incredibly smart and made me feel like a slacker chemist around her. She never failed to ask about my kids and she nearly always had a smile on her face (though the gafaws still occasionally made me cringe).

A few months ago one of the guys on that project, now a manager, hired her into his group to help a couple of guys working on my big project. They needed help and it was an opportunity to bring Mrs Pink back. So thanks to the concept of matrix management... Mrs Pink now works for me.

She still laughs too loud for my tastes (yes, I tend to be quiet), she still wears her clothes a touch too tight (but apparently she likes them that way because they are new clothes), but I like her. I really do like her.

She is sharp. She is punctual. When I ask her for data she gets it, or she walks to my office and tells me why she doesn’t have it. We talk about marriage and kids, her desire to have a baby, where to get the best coffee and we trade “so I heard…” statements.

She sits beside me in our monthly meetings. I know where she started from, I can see her ambition and potential. I don’t expect I will ever be best friends with Mrs. Pink. But I like her and appreciate her free spirited nature.

So do I have much to write about Mrs. Pink? Not really.

She’s cool.

I have become...

the person I despised.

I got a phone call at work the other day asking me if I had spare time. That is always a loaded question.

It depends, I told them.

We need you to write another proposal, one of the 20 pagers the voice on the other end of the line told me. The voice went on to explain that one of the white papers that was accepted was written by someone who isn't ready to be either a PI or a PM and would I possibly have time to take on this project and not only manage it but be PI.

It's a huge compliment. I now have two clients under my belt (one where my projects are her sole projects and the second where I have four projects under the other client) and am working on business development for a third client. I am really enjoying this aspect of my job. This proposal fell under the purvey of client number two.

While this was a huge compliment I also remember far too well being on the other side of the coin. When I was on maternity leave and my first funded project was handed off to someone with more experience. Then the year after that when I landed my second proposal and they "tasked" it under another larger umbrella. I remember being frustrated that no one would give me the opportunity to lead. I remember crying about the fact that it seemed as though if someone wanted a proposal funded they handed it to someone with the right name to put on the front of it and how completely unfair that was.

Now here I am on the flip side. Part of me says, "see I told you I could do it". The other part reminds myself that I have worked hard and earned this, I climbed the ranks. And the other part of me balks at it, if someone proposed the work, let them write the proposal and land the fish, I will stand by and help and offer advice.

In the end... I am slime. I took it. I will write the proposal and am fairly confident that my experience with the client will land the proposal to round out our portfolio.

Hasta

When I started here 6.5 years ago I used to get notifications for "Retirement Parties" and would wonder if I was supposed to attend them for people that I didn't really know, people I had only passing interactions with. To this point I have not attended a retirement party at work.

I suppose it is ironic then that the first retirement party I will attend fills me with great sorrow. I know it is a happy time for my sector manager, but I am being selfish and wondering who in the world I am going to go to with random questions and whose office I can go land in and say, "help me". I am going to miss that "hey lady" greeting.

My sector manager is the first upper upper management that I have gotten to know well. Well enough that I can walk in and land in his office. Well enough that my mailbox was filled Friday with Outlook folders from his computer because he wanted someone to have the files.

Wednesday at noon is his last day. Actually his real last day is sometime in February or March, when his vacation runs out. But his office will be cleaned out as of Wednesday.

I felt privileged that the last meeting he wanted on his calendar (at 11am Wednesday) was to be with me and his replacement. Of course neither of us could make that due to travel plans, but it was the thought that counts. Instead I will see him last thing on Tuesday.

He keeps reminding me he isn't going far -- which I suppose if you count the east coast as not far he is right. But really, my client has hired him on as a contractor and he will be one of my POC's for "the other side". So I am quite privileged in this regard. He really ISN'T walking out of my work life, he is just switching teams.

I have dreaded the arrival of this week knowing he would be departing. I expressed to AB on Friday that if this was a normal Thanksgiving week where we weren't traveling Friday would have been my last day off for 9 whole days since I always take Thanksgiving week off. AB knows me too well... "you wouldn't have done that this year though".

Yeah, I wouldn't have.

Catching Up

It seems as though a lot has been happening recently, then I go to blog about it and I might have a hill of beans, but only if I tried really hard. So here is a hodge podge post of all that stuff that hangs there, fleeting thoughts really, but aren't really malleable into blog posts of their own.

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AB has just hired a company to come in and tackle our back patio. We started with a narrow wave of concrete back there, then enlisted the help of some really awesome friends to come out and poor a huge patio area for us. It has been nice (particularly with the pergola), but the concrete isn't in great shape. So during the Parade of Homes this year we kept an eye open for concrete treatments.

On Friday AB had a guy specializing in epoxy treatments come and look at the patio. It isn't cheap, but they start on October 22nd and our patio will be out of commission for 3-4 days while they repair the concrete and epoxy coat it. Looking something like this when finished (photo pirated from their webpage):

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I am working towards finishing off my Master bedroom organization goal. I seem to just make it a touch further each weekend either because we are busy, or in the case of this past weekend, because I wasn't feeling great. At this point I need to plow through AB's dresser, clean off the top of it and apply the (likely) faux leather organizers I bought at Target to corral some of his odds and ends. Then I need to tackle the corner where things go to be stacked and ignored. VCR tapes... toss? Garage sale? I hate to just toss them, but they seem pretty worthless. Let me know if you are interested in the titles we have.

Then I need to think about painting. I would love to get it done, but have to admit I am a touch hesitant. I need some thoughts on finishes. I did our bathroom in semi-gloss because I like the sheen in bathrooms. It really lightens it up a lot and I like the way it looks. However, I am not so sure I like the idea of semi-gloss for the Master bedroom. Can I mix the finishes in adjacent rooms connected by a larger archway if I keep the same colors?

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Today I spent money. I am really good at doing this. Up until four years ago I would say my technical savvy level was about 8 out of 10. I wasn't a pro, but I could do most anything from whip up a webpage to program in a few languages (now likely obsolete) and had a lot of the new gadgets. Then well... children put a cramp in my techno ways.

This weekend though AB and I realized that 18 hours on the Tivo hard drive just isn't enough. We were in that first wave of Tivo users. I had thought previously about just getting a hard drive to help the storage issues. But there were other issues... like the phone cord (tripping hazard) running down a hall and across a room. And hating the fact we couldn't record two shows at once. (The only two shows we were really interested in the premiers for were the 2 hour openers of Survivor and Grey's Anatomy and they overlapped by an hour.) Issues like this are just silly in the technology era!

I got with the program and upgraded our DVR to an 80 hour one capable of recording 2 shows and then I bought the wireless adaptor AND a router. I would say we have caught up with the rest of the general public though I noticed when I bought this one it was the lesser of three options and since we don't have HD in our immediate future I will just have to accept being a step or three behind.

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Skadi has become Miss Chatty. She now has a number of words though her favorite is still "no". She says it so quickly and with such determination you KNOW she knows exactly what she wants. And that look in her eyes also says that if you don't comply, a meltdown will ensue. Among her new words are "nana" (banana), "juice", "coat", "socks", "brother" (isn't it easier to say Leif??), "hair", "bug", "bird", "fruit" and "meat" among others I am likely forgetting.

Leif has learned that Skadi can repeat what you say and is taking it upon himself to teach her to talk.

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I have always bought Leif's clothes ahead of time. In the spring I buy clearance for the following winter. Fall I buy summer clearance for next spring. Leif has (knock on wood) so far never deviated from his growth curve and has always been dead on for size.

Skadi... nothing can be easy with her! Last spring I was sure she was on her growth curve and bought a number of 2T outfits for this fall. Appears she will be wearing most of those next fall. I was happy last week when I finally got to use my Gymbucks to buy her a few cute new outfits for this year. Otherwise she is solidly back in 12-18 month clothes again and should get two years out of most of her outfits from last year. I did buy her Gymborree clothes in 18-24 months being optimistic that it is only October and that by December they will fit her. Except for the red tulle skirt... that I bought in a 2T knowing that I can cinch it in this year and she can (and will) wear it next year as well.

My biggest issue there is going to be keeping it off my son. His best girlfriends are projecting the love of princesses onto him and his little sponge of a brain appears to have soaked it all up.

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Work is good for both AB and I. I had an "informal" lunch meeting last week where I was offered another major project to manage. With the addition of this project my umbrella over this client will be complete. This one wasn't a big surprise or a coup, it was offered up by the current PM to me and it was truly just a matter of time before it scootched over as she moves on.

At my informal lunch meeting last week I was also asked if I would consider taking over management of a project that is pissing off most of the upper management due to its lack of management.

This one will be the major coup. I know enough about it that I qualified my yes answer pretty heavily. I know the project well enough to know that one person in particular may walk off the project if I jump rank. A few others will just be hostile. The program manager didn't seem to have a problem with this and said that he may walk, but he will likely only do the talk since he has nothing else to fall upon. And if he does find something than more power to him and they will have underestimated his resourcefulness.

My saving grace in this regard is that if this comes down, it will come down from up way high and outside of the program. Which should provide me a little bubble to cushion myself when they start storming the gates.

Scared? Me? Damn right I am. But more terrified of being a wuss and not even trying to bring the project back onto the straight and narrow.

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Then the last topic is moving. It is still looming out there. We want a new house. We need a new house. We think.

There are the days we remind ourselves that MANY families live in houses much smaller than ours with no problem. We look around and see all the things we love about our house and our yard (our soon to be gorgeous patio) and wonder what our hurry is. Particularly if I get new floors in the kitchen this winter. And wow we need new carpet. With just a little injection of cash into the house, it would be a really pretty house.

Then we see other homes out there that would give us so much more of what we want and need in a home. And we remember how little storage we have and that we have no real guest room right now. And we complain about the depths of our closet pantry. And needing a three car garage. Then we start looking again.

Basically the update is that we are going forward with preparing our house to either go on the market or possible rent next spring depending on the market. It may happen, or we may decide to build at that point. But hopefully this spring we will have a clearly defined path forward.

A new aspect of project management

Today my client e-mailed me about her upcoming trip to our site. She told me that she has hit a minor bump in that school doesn't start for another two weeks, her husband has to work and wondered if it was possible for her to bring her 8 year old daughter to our site for her meetings.


Immediately my admin and I started scrambling to find a solution. We are still working the situation whether it be moving the meeting offsite, moving the meeting to a public room if one is available, getting her a babysitter or her using our onsite daycare, which I found out is $8 an hour and they would be thrilled to have her even though school will have already started here... she could "help" in the preschooler room during the school hours until the school age children return.


To me it was a no brainer, let's figure out how to make this work for her.


Later I thought about what it took for her to bring this up.


For me, this would have been something I would have stressed about and then worried about bringing up to the people I was visiting. I mentioned to my coworker that I was happy the client felt she could bring this up to me.


I hope that the solutions I presented to her are well thought through from another mom's point of view. I fully understand that she may have to cancel based off this situation. In which case, we will go about business as usual on those days and will reschedule when convenient to her family schedule.


My coworker said "it is amazing what we will do for a few million".


Nope, it's what I would do for another mom.

And then again... maybe not

AB and I returned from Alaska a little despondent. Not so thrilled to be back here. We were thrilled to be home, but felt a little disconnected. For AB it was going "home", back to Alaska where he grew up and dreams of moving back that did it for him. He routinely reminds me that among his friends, he was probably the least likely to leave Alaska. Yet here he is 18 years after leaving and no signs of moving back. He rode in the car with his dad who conveniently pointed out engineering firms along their route.

A friend once related to us that he felt that if you grew up somewhere "cool", it was harder to live in a place with seemingly less to offer as an adult. Where I grew up and went to college - in Northern Colorado - I would call a cool place. Actually it was a great place to grow up, recently rated #1 on the best places to live in the US and is an area coveted by many to live. I understand why.

Looking at where we live now, versus that region... or Alaska... Well this place just seems not to rank as high on the cool scale.

What I love about this region is the size and the family friendly nature and not to mention the really great social circle we have immersed ourselves in. Then there is the wine... very nice to live in "wine country". We have strong, stable jobs here making good money and our kids are in a most fabulous private daycare/preschool.

Why then, given all this, am I sometimes left with an emptiness about where we reside?

For me, what it doesn't have is immediate access to the mountains, to forests of spruce, to mountain streams. And for AB, beyond that, it doesn't have the ocean. Being that I didn't grow up next to the ocean, I could take or leave it. Though I admit a growing fondness for going over to our family cabin on the Sound. I love the tides, the beachcombing and the completely different environment from anything I grew up with. But the big one that it doesn't have is our family.

After returning we somewhat consciously made a decision to start exploring options either in Colorado or Alaska. AB passed his FE/EIT exam making him a full fledged engineer and in theory at least, eligible for many other careers than his current one.

Then yesterday happened.

It seems as though whenever our minds start wandering to the other side of the fence, we get jolted back.

AB came home excited about a new opportunity. Seems that his lead in safety and environmental was in a bragging mood and was joking around in a meeting with the lead engineers who were complaining that none of their new hire engineers passed the recent FE/EIT. AB's lead decided to chime in that he had a safety and environmental guy who went up and passed it on his first attempt.

A sort of "my guys are smarter than yours" thing going on.

A couple days later and AB has been actively recruited by the engineering leads. The neat thing about it is that they are giving him the opportunity to "try it out". AB basically has nothing to lose. If he doesn't like it, it doesn't work out, whatever, he can go back to his job in safety and environmental (which his lead is hoping for). Smart of AB's company actually... after having passed the exam, AB knew he was more marketable with other companies as an engineer. Now? He is looking forward to trying a new position on for size within his company.

We got home yesterday and it was like a competition... who got to share their exciting news first?

I usually win that battle because I can just start talking when AB walks in the door. I have had that little unwind time to relax and formulate what I am anxiously awaiting to tell him.

My opening line to him went something like, "you know you are going to have a great day when your client asks what you would do with unlimited funds and there isn't a hint of sarcasm to her voice!"

My task over the next two weeks is organize my teams thoughts, revisit our Gantt charts and define our critical paths on our suite of projects to determine how much it will take to shorten it. (Like how I am using all this project management lingo?? Gettin' good at this I tell you.) Do we need to hire on a few more scientists to get the work done? It's that important to the client. She closed the call by telling me she has a new and unrelated project to start up and could I please assemble another team for this new project? I have to admit how much I enjoyed e-mailing a group of people who are virtual unknowns to me asking them if they want a project. Rare does a project fall in your lap unsolicited from a client. I enjoyed being the bearer of that news to unsuspecting people.

Later that afternoon I got an e-mail from my much adored deputy sector lead. He is routinely reminding us that he is retiring soon. I am often surprised that he seems to think we are going to forget. When in fact, actually, we will mourn his leaving and are right now just pretending that he will be here forever. His e-mail was actually to a few people with me copied on it, letting people know who he was going to be transferring a subset of his files to.

Me.

Now I am just trying to figure out how to word this for my staff development review paperwork that is due next Friday.

If I can just get through Wednesday...

Last week I spent the week saying "if I can just get through Friday".

And I survived.

But I started my Monday morning with a new mantra... "if I can just get through Wednesday".

It is mid-year here and I am involved in a couple mid-year reviews as well as involved in a few new projects that are spinning up mid-year. So project-wise I am in good shape... a little overwhelmed right now, but good shape.

Last week one of the deputy sector leads delegated a client to me in his absence this week.

Nothing ever "happens" when someone is gone right? Or is it that everything happens when the lead is gone?

First thing this morning I walked in to an e-mail message from the client with an attached document (that I need to go read still) asking for a teleconference with the PIs of that project.

Anxiety? Just a little. Ok, a lot.

I was trying to explain to AB this evening why my stomach was in knots. I am not acting in my role as project or program manager. I am not even substituting for someone else in that same role. I am acting in a role of sector manager. And I don't even know what a sector manager does!

It is exciting. And frightening.

And please oh please don't let that rash that showed up on my daughter's body be anything. Please.

Finding my happy place

Finding my happy place

Six years ago today I walked into my new job full of expectations of life as a scientist. Ok. So I was a post-doc. But I knew that if I worked hard enough and learned enough, I would be a full fledged scientist eventually.

How wrong I was. Life in this environment has only a small amount to do with how hard you work or how well you learn. It's dominated more by how well you master the politics.

And I am still learning that aspect.

I can honestly say that it is just within the past couple months that I have really found my happy place at work. I have had ups and downs, ebbs and flows, discouragements and encouragements over the last six years. I have made permanent decisions that will probably walk with me the rest of my career. I have left projects, quit working with people, and declared that I would no longer submit proposals to particular groups. On the flip side, I have also met lifelong allies, had incredible successes on projects and found new clients.

Political decisions. I am learning. But I am sinking into my niche.

Today I was in "my" new lab (so it isn't totally mine, but I can have all the space I want in this 400 square foot lab) on the main campus putting my new tools away in the tool box I ordered (those ARE mine).

In walked Z... he is my former team lead, turned coworker and now I am his project manager. It sounds all wonderful and like I am moving up in the world until you understand matrix management.

He took a big sigh as he stood in the doorway. Smiling.

Z and I have a lot in common. We were both misfits in our old group. He a chemical engineer, me a physical chemist. I followed him when given the opportunity to leave my group three years ago. I hitched my cart loosely to his donkey.

He stood inside the doorway smiling watching me put my tools away.

"Ah," he says. "Tis nice that we finally have a lab."

I smiled back though I kind of wanted to hug him for saying "we". And for letting me keep my cart hitched to his donkey the past few years.

Z traded his donkey for a decent sized steam engine this past year and is hoping to reap the rewards of his long labors and "make five" (i.e., get a promotion).

I picked up the stray donkey this year as well as upgraded my cart to a caboose for T's steam engine. The caboose provides a lookout, guidance for the train in front. This caboose provides braking power when needed.

I am working the two paths - my funding, my path towards independence as a scientist (the donkey) as well as testing the grounds in project/program management (the caboose).

My office will be packed up and moved in the next few days. I will inhabit my 6th office in as many years. I will leave the vicinity of the three buildings I have lived, worked, lactated, ate, laughted and occasionally - rarely, cried in the last six years.

I am moving by myself.

I am leaving the women who gave me all the tips on which projects to avoid, who the asshole male scientists were, who the best daycare teachers are, pregnancy secrets, benefits people to work with, and who threw both of my baby showers for me.

I worry they will forget me.

I am leaving the resources I have come to know, which labs I can pilfer things out of, which engineers I can rely on to do the job and do it right and interact with the shop for me to avoid those looks from the guys that say "she really has no idea, does she", which labs have the stock of handtools (though I now have my own), the cabinets that hold endless office supplies.

They... yeah they probably won't miss me

Six years on one hand seems like just yesterday. And in another way it seems as though it is a world away.

On to bigger and better things.

Have a seat

I have these two chairs in my office. They are old leather, library chairs from the 1950's. The ultimate in comfort. When I was pregnant I would crawl into one and vege in my office. When I had to get up it was usually a touch of a problem and I would end up crawling out of them.

I happened upon them by chance really. There were a number of people who worked (like me) in the old library transformed into an office building. I had a crappy hell office (compared to my 2nd floor window office now). But at the time I was just happy to have an office because my manager at the time (Manager #2) was an ass and I had to beg and plead to get to move into this empty office.

A guy named Bubba... yes Bubba... used to walk by my office daily. He would occasionally stop and talk. Nice guy.

One day he came to my office and told me he was moving onsite and said he had a present for me if I wanted it. Of course, I told him!

The next day there were three leather chairs sitting in the hallway outside my office. (I had a sucky office, but it was large.) I VERY quickly scrambled to get my office door opened and scootch them into my office before someone came by and swiped them.

Since then nearly anyone who has come to my office has commented on my chairs. I have had a lab fellow, associate lab director and the lab director comment on my chairs at various points. Many meetings have been slated for my office simply because the people holding the meetings could have comfortable chairs to sit in. And there have been many jokes made about the fact that you only see chairs of this caliber in "high ups" offices and that I really don't have the stature at the lab to justify them.

I lost one chair when one of the guys in my former group lodged a complaint with someone (Manager #2) that I didn't really have a need for sll three chairs. And even though I was in another group at the time, crafts came by one day and hauled one off for him. I was ticked.

Because honestly, nearly anyone could have walked up to me and said, "can I have one of your chairs?" and I would have probably said yes. This is still the case. (Now I will find out who really reads my blog.)

A few months ago Manager #2 was deposed of his position (he wasn't my manager at the time) and he landed in the office neighboring mine. I always found it funny that the manager who lectured me on office hierarchy ended up with the mirror image of my office and smack next to me. Though it did make me a little self conscious about how loud my Medela breast pump was.

He always makes a point of making small talk with me when we find ourselves standing in the lunchroom at the same time. And he stands way too close when he does so... almost like he is trying to pretend like we are old buds, or he is letting me in on some secret. Actually he isn't a bad guy... just not one of my favorites given my pass over for promotion the year I was pregnant, my funded proposal being handed to someone else while on maternity leave and his refusing me an office and telling me to buy a power supply so I could pump in the bathroom. A little clueless managing a group of 72 men and 4 women at the time, but actually a nice guy.

He told me today that he noticed I had "managed" to finagle my famous chairs out of the old building and into my office.

Yep, I replied. It didn't seem that hard, I just told crafts what I wanted hauled to my new office and they did it.

"Yeah," he told me, "you know James lost his chair when he moved onsite. He tried everything to keep his chair and other antique 1950's furniture he collected while here, but they wouldn't let him take it with him to the main site."

Fear filled my heart. I am moving sometime this spring onto the main site. I might not get to take my chairs with?

All of a sudden reasons why Bubba passed his chairs onto me when moving onsite made sense. Well they didn't make sense. But I remember him saying, "you can have them as long as you stay offsite, if you move onsite you can't have them anymore".

I had thought he was just passing on a legacy to me... a legacy that those of us forced to live offsite got at least a little luxury.

Nope. Turned out he passed on legacy waste instead.

A couple of leather chairs from the old long gone library of the 1950's. Deemed as waste and therefore not "moveable".

Sad.

I told Manager #2 I suppose he could put in his request for my chairs now since I too would be bailing from offsite life for the gleaming palace in the distance. Or at least the land of trees and grass between buildings.

I could see the wheels rolling in his mind.

Must find a deserving soul to pass my chairs onto before I move and before Manager #2's request comes in.

My challenge

My big challenge lately - aside from finding appropriate Easter-ware for my son (are polos really my only choice?) - is switching gears.

Work has absorbed me in a big way. Things are going really well, which is great. But when 5pm comes, turning off the work button and turning on the mommy button is hard. It doesn't take long once I walk into Skadi's daycare and see her smiling face, but walking away from my computer when I have a 21 page statement of work in progress is tough. Not long ago I would have stayed until I had done what I needed.

Life is different now. Shifting gears is necessary because my 3.5 year old doesn't want to hear about cost sheets on the drive home.

Being a mom is my favorite aspect of course. But right now I am finding what I am doing at work very rewarding too, which is a nice change from recent.

I am getting "trial by fire" according to one of the PI's on the project I am managing. He called the other day to apologize "a little, but not much" that my first project I am managing that was scheduled to start on April 1 was increased in size and scope to over a million for Phase One. We are presently scrambling to rewrite our statement of work to reflect the pile of money waiting for us on the other side. Imagine the horror the business office might have when they go to pick up a check and instead find one for three times that amount.

He mostly called to congratulate me (and to receive return congrats on his successful funding) that my title on this project was changed to "program manager" by the sector lead.

Wow I better not screw this up.

My first project management opportunity has morphed into a program management opportunity with multi-millions of dollars and projects scoped out for the next 5 years.

While it amps me, and psyches me up to be taking on something so big - to be given an opportunity of this magnitude. It also scares me substantially. AB reminds me that I probably can't fail too bad, because at the first sign of things looking grim, I will be snatched out of that position. I am watching and double checking every step I take.

So far I really like my role. I like the sector lead I am working under. I kind of like that he canned the girl who was supposed to mentor me and said he would do it instead. I like organizing the teams. I like that Sean Connery's look alike was asked to join the project and when the cranky old man asked who was managing it, he said he was in when he heard it was me. (Of course though I adore the codger, I am not sure I want to manage him on this project.)

This position has become all encompassing for me and thankfully comes with a so far endless pot of PDM (program development money) until the check arrives. I have other projects too, and a proposal that went external this afternoon. I will be moving offices towards the end of this month to beginning of next month and a lab of my own will come into my possession in a few months.

I will need to start deciding a career path here soon. I always envisioned myself a scientist, analyzing data. But lately I am wondering if I should request a mentor who will help my move into program management permanently.

So that's what an MBA is for...

In addition to requiring oral presentation skills and writing skills for graduate science degrees (which are not required in most US programs), I propose we also add in some business classes. And maybe a few courses in political science too? Though I fear the later won't really provide an insight into the politics I need a crash course in. That being simple workplace politics.

Last week I was "spinning up" as a project manager. I am now not only spun, but completely wound.

My worklife changed this week. Since I started here nearly six years ago and with the exception of teleconference Wednesdays where I would run in and hit the ground running with an all morning client meeting, I usually start out my mornings leisurely as I arrive, check my e-mail, respond to e-mail, call people who need to be called (which pretty muchnever happens), and work hard to be down to business by 10am.

I walked in this morning to my phone ringing.

Oh that's another thing. Everyone, except my sector manager, uses e-mail to communicate quickly. He goes the old fashioned way and picks up the phone and calls. And is apparently ok with waiting on the line for my ancient computer to boot up, get logged in and open the file in question.

And honestly, so far I am loving this guy. I have been working with him for right at a week now and am already bummed about his retirement slated for a June 2009. Though he keeps holding the Triple Crown in front of me - a suite of projects constituting a program he has slated to take "us" through 2014.

Ever just click with someone you work with? I have only had a few of those so far, some people I get along fine with, others we don't click, but relatively few that it feels like a really good fit - and I am sure a good portion of it is my own personality. But wow, it is a nice feeling when it happens.

(I have in fact, been ignoring pings from potential employers that I touched base with this past summer. I am also feeling stronger about getting our house ready to sell and finding a new one a year from now. AB... not quite there yet and still resides in "what would it be like if we lived there".)

A new direction

This last calendar year for me at work was kind of a wash. I started 2007 with a rotund belly secretly counting the days until my leave started. I had worked somewhat hard to get my project ahead of schedule so when I wasn't in the lab daily for 8-10 weeks it wouldn't suffer. I would be checking my e-mail to deal with anything that came across my desk, and I had a co-PI who I had finally found a happy medium with and could rely upon. Then I pawned off my menial tasks to a guy who needed the charge code.

Then I was gone from early March to mid-May. Gone in a physical sense... as a scientist (as I was discussing with V), even though you aren't supposed to be working there are still certain expectations. I spent a few of Skadi's naps on the phone with potential collaborators and wrote at least one white paper while on leave in addition to checking my e-mail daily. This past summer I came back and I have spent the last six months getting my groove down. Getting both the kids ready by myself (since AB goes to work at 5:30am) and all of us to where we should be by 8:30, I mean about 8:45... ok, sometimes 9am. Ok, there has been an occasional 9:15am in there.

Then there are the doctor's appointments. Who knew two kids had so many doctor's appointments? And did I actually wear sweat pants to work one day? There were times I felt I was barely keeping my head above water. And there still are days like that. So anyways, suffice it to say that work may have suffered a little in the later part of 2007. Apparently though (and thankfully) I did a good job of hiding it since I still got a very positive review from my manager a few weeks ago.

It's 2008 and it's time to pull things together.

I have a proposal went out today after a successful preliminary one on one review. A review that people who work in the areas I work in, are required to do with their proposals... and I won't say much else on what that entails. Creative minds who know me and what I do can surmise. Suffice it to say that my chosen reviewer is a good friend of mine who birthed her second child in between the time I had my two. She told me, off the record, of the ones she has seen thus far, it is easily in the top quarter. But she's a friend... what's she going to say? "Don't bother NM, you don't have a real shot"? I don't think so. But is that good enough in a pool of 60 proposals?

What started out this post?

Tuesday.

This coming Tuesday is seriously freaking me out. It has nothing to do with the proposal above (I just rambled to that). It has nothing to do with my husband's birthday being that day.

Nope, Tuesday is my first real, "I am back, I am for real, and I can be a bitch on wheels if I need to" day at work. (Stop laughing... I can be a bitch.)

I landed a big project management position this past week with a new and upcoming program. Once fully trained I will have two half million dollar a year projects under me with a team of people who many were my coworkers on my shiny, happy, semiconductor project.

I am going to walk in on Tuesday, in front of the client I have never met, in front of those coworkers I adored working WITH (please hope I enjoy managing them too... many have twenty years experience on me) and be introduced as the Project Manager.

At 8:30am.

In dress clothes.

(Stop laughing.)

I just Zappos'd myself a nice pair of black pumps. With a heel.

(Note to self, put the kids in clothes that can double as pajamas the night before, I am thinking sweats and t-shirts/onesie just in case.)

Paper thin walls

The office next to me was vacated a few weeks ago. Offices don't stay empty for long around here. I waited anxiously to see who would occupy it. Would it be one of my buddies from my former building who are all seeking offices before their building is demolished? (Please oh please let them find offices - I don't want to share.)

Or my former manager.

Though I AM having one humongous heyday remembering the very ironic conversation I had with him 3.5 years ago about office hierarchy. Or maybe it is really more of an issue that deposed managers fall so far in ranking that he now must live with the common folk.

Mental note to self... remember the walls are paper thin.

So this explains the trend to have one parent stay home

It is weeks/months like the past few in our household.

With one child, who had been through the ailments and illnesses that accompany daycare, we could deal with us both working. Paying one daycare tuition was acceptable. And splitting time off when someone needed to be home with Leif was tolerable.

Then Skaders arrived. And she is truly one of the two best things that have ever happened to us. (I don't want to give the impression I am blaming her.) Then AB took an internship (read no benefits - vacation, sick time or insurance). All that was fine in the name of getting experience and I carried the family on my insurance. And it paid off. AB is in the process of being hired on fully by a great company (though one that doesn't realize there is a child who could really use the extra dental insurance in the next 7 days).

And here I am going to sound like an excessive whiner, but it is taking its toll. Being the sole one responsible for doctor's appointments and staying home with the kids when sick, while I wouldn't have it any other way given the choice, it is hard with a full time career. I have said it before, I will say it again, I don't know what single parents do. AB works out of town and with no paid leave, it just doesn't make sense for him to try and take off to do this stuff, particularly while he is trying to prove himself to his management.

My manager called me today. As explained previously, my manager never calls. And being that the last time she called I got a mid-year raise I have to admit hearing her voice raised my hopes there for a nanosecond.

Nope, she called to talk to me about my chargeable hours goal for the fiscal year and see what my plan was. I admitted to having missed filling out my timecard yesterday since I was home with a sick kid (that I DID e-mail her about). Therefore my chargeable goal was 8 hours off. And yes, I realize that still left me teetering on the brink, but I actually was (just barely) within guidelines.

She told me she was concerned as I had zero, zippo, nadda sick time left (thank you maternity leave policies that I could rant about). Yet in my e-mail regarding my schedule for the coming week I told her I would be out for a full day for my son's dental work. She fully understood this necessity, but reminded me this would either be on vacation time or she would authorize unpaid leave because I could not flex this time so close to the fiscal year end, nor could I use sick time. (Don't even get me started on my banked time sitting there, waiting to be "used when one most needs it"...)

She was quite polite about it all. She gets it, she has three kids. And she admitted that she knew how hard this is in the first year after a new baby. I don't blame her. I don't know who I blame. Nobody really. Maybe benefits a little for not letting me at those 24 or so banked hours...

Picking up Skadi didn't help a whole lot. She had a rough day thanks to tooth #2 pushing it's way through her little gum. Combined with the recovery from this skin issue she had and I blogged about yesterday. It was just a sucky day for her. I am tired of her getting bumped to the other room for no apparent reason. I am tired of the dipshit second teacher over there who is having serious bouts of pregnancy brain and threw her clothes away today. Brand new outfit in the trash. I stood there and waited for them to find her clothes... thankfully.

It is hard having been on "the other side" and seeing the other option for care conveniently only once the kids are 1 year old. Maybe it was this bad when Leif was there... maybe I just didn't know any better and now I do.

I went home and looked at AB (after going and buying last minute new shoes for Leif on the way home since his broke today at school and he was very upset about it). I told him if I went to 80% time I could take Mondays off, he will have Fridays off and we could drop Skaders to 3 days a week at daycare. He pointed at our son's mouth. Then reminded me of the debt that accumulated from a year of unemployment and three years of tuition for his Masters.

Nevermind.

Lotto anyone?

Things that almost make me want to work harder

Yesterday I played phone tag with my manager. I was freaked out by her call (that happened to come while I was on the other line scheduling a massage). You see I haven't talked to my manager since my staff development review back at the end of February. Ok, incorrect, she said "hi" and "cute baby" at the group picnic in June. Truth be told I had talked to the lab director more often than I talked to my manager in the last year.

My manager is the most hands off manager I have ever had. Sometimes it's good, most of the times it's really good. Sometimes it sucks. Like yesterday when I sat there all day wondering what I had done to warrent a call. I kept telling myself if I was in trouble for something she would come to my office. (Ha ha ha, just joking.) If I was in trouble for something she would beckon me to her office. So I kept telling myself it had to be her checking on something (maybe to clarify something on my fact sheet that I just submitted) or something good (one of my patents finally came through - though quick check proved that was not the case). What could it be? I wracked my brain.

Finally I checked her schedule towards the end of the day, saw she was available, picked up the phone and called for the fourth or so time. Got her.

I sat there at my desk shaking.

"Ah yes," she says and asks me to hold on while she got the paperwork.

Paperwork... ack!

She came back to the phone. "I just wanted to tell you that periodically HR reviews salaries and in their review noted that you were pretty substantially out of line as compared to the rest of the lab."

No joke. The salary ranges and averages are published, I knew that even after my nice raise last January, I was still on the way low end.

"So," she continues, " you were given a pretty good raise as of August 1st, you will see it on your paycheck tomorrow."

Sure enough. A raise. Actually almost made me want to bust my butt today. Almost.

Five Years of Service

My acting manager called me this morning to be sure I was going to be in my office before he stopped by. I actually had no idea why he would be swinging by. It isn't like I actually even talk to my managers. My curiousity was peaked.

He is one of those guys who talks a lot. Makes a lot of vague references and expects you to follow them. He is also a super guy. For one of the pointy haired sorts, he gets it. Well mostly.

He came in and starting chatting about the history of the company, what it was like here during the 80's, yadda yadda yadda. I smiled and nodded. Not sure at all where this was headed.

He then moved onto that working somewhere for five years is a big deal. (Well sort of, compare to the fact he has been here for 25.) He also told me that this is the time when statistically speaking employees tend to start thinking about leaving. I tried not to let that guilty look take over my face, reminding myself that AB has a good job right now, any plans to jump ship have at least been put off for a minimum of three months. He moved on to the fact that he recognizes that I am the "orphan" among the group... however, he has never had to "deal" with me or find me work. So I am an orphan he is happy to have and he hopes I won't become a stastitic. (Seriously wondering if those rumors about brain implantation aren't correct.)

Finally he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the most wrinkled envelope I have seen in a long time. My five year service award that included a just as wrinkled letter from the lab director with his signature stamped on the bottom and a $30 gift card for the mall. He apologizes for the lateness... my manager had meant to give it to me when I came back from maternity leave four or so weeks ago, but she never got around to it, so she gave it to him and he kept forgetting, but finally just made a point to get out here to give it to me. (My 5 years was April 29th...)

Wow. What do I say? People really want to leave here at their five year mark? I can't imagine why!