Eons and ages ago...

I applied for grad school.

This was way back when sexism was slightly more rampant, I guess.

I met with a chemistry professor (actually he was the chair of the department) while interviewing and the conversation went something like this:

Me: "What classes would I teach as a TA?"

Him: "Chem 101 and 102."

Me: "Would I ever teach upper division chemistry?"

Him: "No. We have found that women aren't generally well received as TA's for upper division classes."

I wanted to leave right then. I knew I wouldn't go there and my lunch with grad students (the male student interviewing got to lunch with professors) shed light that this was not an isolated incident and that sexism was "rampant" in the department.

I ran the other way.

A few years later I heard that professors name and cringed. A woman I knew was leaving our grad program to go work for him. I warned her. (She never graduated.)

The guy's name has popped up randomly over the nearly 20 years since I was checking out grad schools and each time I shudder.

The group I am working with is awesome now. No sexism at all. I think my company is average. It hasn't been absent in my career over the last 12 years, but it hasn't been "rampant" either.

A friend of mine a few years ago made the comment that she had noted a distinct lack of sexism and poor treatment from her male colleagues who had daughters. And she is right. That's not to say that men who don't have kids or aren't married with wives working outside the home are sexist at all - right now I work with a totally awesome guy who is in his late 50's, never married and no kids - and he has all the same expectations for me as anyone else in the group. And maybe more actually. But some of the most patient and best mentors I have had along the way are dads of daughters.

That icky professor popped, once again, back into my life a few weeks ago. My colleague (who has a college aged daughter) and I are hosting a Workshop this summer. It is truly an honor to be running this thing and to be hosting the accompanying roadmapping session for all the leading agencies on US research investment in mass spectrometry. One of my duties is to invite people to attend and to respond to our client's requests to send invites.

I got one a few weeks ago asking me to invite jackass sexist professor. I cringed and wiggled and made faces at my computer. Then I sent him the canned invitation and didn't even write on it, "you probably don't remember me, but you told me I wouldn't be well received as a female scientist teaching upper division chemistry. Not only did I teach it at the University I attended, but I received both department and University wide teaching awards. And I went to work here and am now have a very successful career where my teams have won a number of awards. Jackass."

I sent the normal template and set to waiting. Then when out for drinks with my male colleagues where after a few glasses of wine I confessed what brought puke to the back of my throat and made me steam a bit at my desk the other day. They weren't shocked. We had an interesting discussion about sexism in the workplace. One of my contractors told me about his good friend who is dean of sciences at a very well known California school who confessed to him the number of struggles she STILL HAS with the old school professors. He is probably 70 years old and just does not understand how this could still be the case.

Anyways.

I got a reply from jackass sexist pig professor.

"Thank you for the invitation Dr. Nuclear Mom. I am so sorry that I will not be able to attend as I will be on vacation during that time. My best wishes for your success in this roadmapping session. I hope you don't mind that I sent your invitation to my daughter who is a graduate student in chemistry at X university and have recommended that she attend the Workshop portion of the week. I think she would enjoy it. Thank you again."

WTF.

He has a daughter. In college. Studying chemistry.

I counted back. She was a baby or toddler when I sat in his office.

I don't have any answers. Still. But it set me back a little. Was it that she was a baby and he didn't see the possibilities? I am guessing he wouldn't tell his daughter not to expect a teaching appointment in upper division as she is a woman. Or would he? No. He wouldn't. Has he changed?

Do I care? Yes and No. And I can't really explain it. But maybe I have softened to him. This person I met once a long time ago who once said a really stupid thing that I couldn't let go.

And oh, his daughter did not decide to attend our Workshop. I kind of wanted to meet her. So I am slightly bummed.

The latest

I have had a number of occasions lately where I have started blog posts - sometimes written them in full - and then never hit "publish". I haven't quite figured out why.

Life has been good lately. Really good. Sometimes too good to be true? Some concern I guess that as soon as I post something, the tide will turn? People will think I am bragging? I will think I am bragging?

I am not sure what it is really. Maybe if I get a post out of my system I will be able to move on. Not sure, but let's see if I can actually convince myself to hit publish this time.

So life is good. Work is good. For the most part.

I am in that phase after a successful project whereby I am receiving awards for receiving awards. I have management eyeing me with scrutiny... can she maintain the momentum? What can we nitpick so that she knows she isn't top of the hill? And politics. Egads politics. All the while I am trying to "Lean In", but actually feeling thwarted a fair bit... and by people who should know better.

So let's get the awards out of the way. I received a lab director's award for the national awards we received for the Navy work. I joked that I hoped it wouldn't confuse too many people that my award hanging in my office looks exactly like the one of the new lab fellows. Ok done. One award out of the way.

Next award. I received a Young Alumni award from my graduate university for my work. I have been planning a blog that goes more into this and about my visit back to Reno. My view for the first time of the state of things from my advisor's (now chair) perspective. My view of Reno after having been gone for 11.5 years (yes, I miss it). My view of being a "one woman dog and pony show" for an evening (gag). So second one, done.

See that wasn't too hard.

Next topic... Students. So part of the reason I got the award from the university is probably that my program wasn't high end. They turn out a good product. But I have laughed at times about how I occasionally have the opportunity to write letters of recommendation to institutions that I would have never even considered actually applying to! Well I have a new one. I have been receiving inquiries from students graduating from prestigious schools looking for jobs.

I had an entire post written about this and how it was driving me crazy. Not that I was getting my fragile ego stroked, but about how badly these students were doing this. It was a bit horrifying and the vast majority of students I have concluded that there is a reason that they are scraping the bottom of the barrel (i.e., me) in looking for a job. And you know what? They aren't getting one from me either.

Next topic... Annual Review. Not surprisingly my first year after promotion I managed to "achieve expectations". I don't care about the C rating. I heard you "always" get to achieve expectations after promotion. What killed me was some of the things that were written and then as the nature goes with privacy, everything is so vague. How am I supposed to change or improve if I can't have specifics on which team feels that I am not managing them... but only to find out after poking, prodding and digging that it is the team where I AM NOT EVEN THE PROJECT MANAGER.

Yes, makes sense. Or how about the one where I am taking over the technical side and not sticking on my side of the PM fence? UMM I AM CO-PI OF THAT PROJECT.

Every year I get more and more of an impression what a load of crap the annual reviews are. It honestly becomes hard to take them very seriously when they seem first, incredibly subjective and second, very ill informed. 99.5% of the year I love my job and know that I am doing a good job. But then that other 0.5% of the year is there to knock you down.

This year I made the decision that it is time for a change.

To be continued...

How things change...

Way back when I was a naive undergraduate I worked for a physician. It was probably my biggest learning experience in a job ever. My first really professional type position. And the physician I worked with became a strong mentor for me over those 5 years I worked for him.

I remember one lunch we went to he told me about his ex-wife. They had gone to medical school together, but the marriage couldn't survive two medical students and two careers at critical points. He told me that she was moving home, giving up medicine (after hundreds of thousands of dollars of school debt) and was opening a deli.

I remember wondering how this could even be? Is it that these people you hear about just never really know what they want? Are they just flakey? Why in the world would you go to years of schooling and pay so much only to hit 40-ish and call it all quits? What is wrong with them?

Naive. I think if everyone who switched gears mid-stream stopped and paused in college with 20-20 hindsite, very very few people would ever graduate - or at least graduate in 4-5 years.

I work with a nuclear physicist who I cannot imagine him doing anything else in life. Neither can he. We travelled together recently and in his mid-40's, nuclear physics is all he ever wanted to do and all he ever wants to do - even at the expense of having a family, traveling, etc. Nuclear physics is what makes him happy.

He is rare. I think the vast majority of us are NOT like him (at least I hope) and while we aren't necessarily inclined to start over, maybe it is just a slight modification on what we did to get to the mid-career level.

My best friend jumped ship from HP and then bought a flower shop. But I look at her and working at HP isn't what you would peg her for when you meet her. The flower shop suits her perfectly!

Maybe my physician's wife - maybe running a deli in her small town is what suited her.

I never really questioned my own career goals in life - I wanted to be a scientist of some type throughout much of my schooling. Though right now I have to admit right now that science, totally interesting and love the knowledge, doing it is far less interesting to me.

A scientist friend of mine was forced to leave science due to medical issues a few years ago. She finally has her health nearly back and is contemplating what she wants to do with her life - and working in a lab isn't it.

As AB and I ponder our path forward this coming year between his contract end, a possible new job for him or even maybe a move for the family, I start wondering what I want to do. I still love technology and can't imagine running a flower shop, or a deli myself, but I can't help but wonder what else, in the area of technology advancements is out there?

Work blah-ness

Work continues to go reasonably well for me. I have switched over to the "Project Manager" ladder from that of “Scientist and Engineer”. This was initially a hard decision for me. I spent a few years getting rave reviews annually as an S&E3. Then conflicts with a coworker started to gurgle and I suddenly (despite doing the same job) wasn’t exceeding expectations anymore. Nope. I stood up for the project and our very demanding client at the expense of a coworker's perceived security blanket and was immediately noted as a trouble maker and my annual rating suffered, despite the fact that I was bringing in millions of dollars of project work. No, that wasn't the official excuse, it was actually couched as “well you aren’t doing science anymore” – but given that I was doing the exact same thing the year before and received exceeds expectations I knew I was both a victim of the elusive moving target of promotion and also “getting my due” from the coworker experience.

 

I made a commitment to get back to the science and stop doing the work that people were coming to me to do (lead projects). Well that next year was a hard one for funding. But those people with funding, didn’t stop in asking me to lead things for them and I got to do some really neat little projects and even mentor young staff in their learning to run a project! Then the next annual review came in and once again, I was barely meeting expectations, but was recognized as an “incredible project manager”. Right there and then I requested to be moved over to the other career ladder then upon noting that the elusive moving target to the next level had swung completely out of my reach. And with the usual quickness of government moves, I was transferred over about 6 months later.

 

I take issue with the S&E ladder and promotions here. For so many years I was “right there” for the promotion. But routinely criticized because I didn’t have my own area of research – I was not an expert at anything really, just did good research for a number of different clients based upon their needs. I had a good reputation for delivery. A Jane of all trades. Someone who could walk in and take whatever research (as long as it wasn’t bio) forward and provide results, present the results, build on the prior research, etc.

 

Now further down the road and I am seeing all these people with their niche areas of research and funding scrambling for work. What exactly are they  encouraging by forcing people to hone in on one area of research in order to get promoted? What happens when you have one client for your niche area and that client goes belly up? I have known too many people who were laid off this year when their clients quit providing and they couldn’t switch gears. I see it ongoing into FY13. That type of promotion? Not sure I want it.

 

I have been here 10 years and I have this place pretty well figured out. I have accepted that I will never promote to the next level, but am working my tail end off to promote within the project manager sphere.

 

But you know what? I could go anywhere and manage projects. I could go somewhere where the project manager actually has the authority they are supposed to in the project manager model and not in some obscure space where no real authority exists without one standing up in manager after manager’s office and pounding my fists that “something is wrong here”.

 

AB came home the other day with the mildly grim news that his contract with his current employer will end in Sept 2013. The big question of the day was would he wait till his end of contract to start looking (thereby securing his end of contract bonus) or start looking early. And when is early?We knew this job was not permanent from the start.

 

Then we started talking different options. Maybe not just the “next contractor in line” here locally. What if… since my job was no longer reliant on “being a scientist and having a lab”. What if we jumped ship?

 

Then AB went “home” to Alaska for a funeral. And the talk became more serious. There are numerous engineering firms in Alaska, I could “probably” secure a position as a project manager… and AB is very employable as an engineer. And the idea began to grow with us. Maybe we put off the backyard renovation in favor of saving money to move? How much would we need to move? Could we find an employer or two that would pay relocation? What about a headhunter?

 

And the idea of moving to Alaska grew with me. AB and I asked ourselves, what do we have here? The answer? Our friends. We have our friends. Sure we have a nice house in a good neighborhood and good schools. But the only thing not replaceable is our friends. But we would be moving somewhere with FAMILY. We haven’t really ever lived near grandparents – wouldn’t that be nice for our kids? Ok, so I have a flexible job with good benefits. But really, is that irreplaceable? I don’t know.

 

And so the idea took root.

 

And then AB got a phone call out of the blue the other day offering him the position of his dreams (for this location and what he has currently been doing) at “name your salary” and the expectation that he would be in that role for 2 years after which he would move up the management ranks and “into town” (eliminating his 1 hour each way commute). We hmm’d and ha’d it. We kicked it around for a few days until we finally agreed that he had to at least explore the option. AB sent in his resume with a salary request that made us both chuckle a bit. I mean, if they want him, maybe they would consider it? And if not, if they just laughed us away, where would we be? The same position we are now. Not a bad place.

 

And so now we wait.

 

And AB has a bit of a fear that they will actually accept it and his current company (a subsidiary of this parent company offering the job) will immediately know and may counter offer. Then what?

 

As I put it to AB – we make a decision.

 

So Alaska? On hold and potentially put off indefinitely.

 

That’s ok. I like my job. I have work this year (many people I know do not). I have interesting projects I am working on that are going somewhere and a relationship I am building with a potential new client.

 

But that itch to try it out somewhere else needs scratched. Wanderlust again.

 

I never thought...

Back when I was in high school I knew I would go to college and expected I would live a decent life, similar to my mom's. I had hopes of being a physician, but not a whole lot of confidence that would happen. I didn't know what else was out there, but I never thought I would go further then getting a college degree.

When I was in college I knew I had to do something after graduation. I didn't just want to work away in a doctor's office for the rest of my life, no way. I had to do something, I needed to move on, but I honestly never thought I would actually graduate with an advanced degree!

I confessed to my husband a few years ago that when I started grad school my goal was to get out of town and try something new for a few years, I never thought I would actually finish! When I started, my goal was to write a paper. So that when I had a family one day, and grandchildren, that I could point to that paper that I wrote and my grandchildren would think me smart. And my name would live on long after I had passed. Somewhere buried in the journals of a library. My "publication list" pales in comparison to many of my friends and colleagues due to the nature of my work, but it goes beyond a single entry.

Once I made it through grad school my confidence increased dramatically. When I didn't get the same answer as the back of the book, I checked my work and went on, knowing that the answer in the back could very likely be wrong. And I was often right. I hope for a good and stable job, but I never thought I would be where I am now.

I started at the lab shortly after the group I was joining had won an R&D 100 award. I was proud to say I worked with that group. They were proud of their accomplishment. I occasionally met others who had won the award, but the Oscars of Innovation are few and far between. I never thought I would win one.

Then on Thursday, I found out we did!

(Link to the press release, official announcement coming next Wednesday.)

How I Do It - Food

Food is a challenge in my house. I have blogged about this before in passing and anecdotally. I was an incredibly picky child. I remain a somewhat picky adult. I try to hide it. It embarrasses me. But there are some foods I just simply cannot put into my mouth.

When I was younger I swore up and down that I would not battle my kids over food like my parents did with me. I spent many nights sitting in front of my dinner plate until late. I refused to do that with my kids.

Of course it would figure that my kids would inherit my pickiness. And I would marry someone who claims to be the anti-picky. (He claims this, but you can be in on my secret - he has his own food issues... )
So basically food is a big issue in our family, unfortunately.

So I could go into the picky issues... but I think I will skirt that for now and hit the basics.
Grocery Shopping:
I used to have time to do little grocery shopping trips over lunch when I worked in my office 40 hours a week. Now that I spend less time in my office a week I find it very hard to carve out time to run down the street to the grocery store. So my fixes have been:

• Amazon.com - Subscribe and Save. There are certain dried goods that I can get there, for cheaper and if I "subscribe" I save an additional 15%. I can get one box of my cereal that I eat daily for $4.39 at the grocery store. Or I can get 6 boxes sent to me automatically (and I can cancel shipments) for $20.
• Honey Do - I despise hauling my kids to the grocery store. If I do, I end up with more crap in my cart and spend significantly more. If I just need a few things I sync it to my husband's phone and he grabs the milk and eggs on his way home.
• Farmer's Markets in the summer - the kids love it and here I will let them go nuts. Plus, it humors me to see my son talk kale with with one of the vendors.
• Once a month trips - where I need to improve drastically is planning these. I need to use coupons. I need to have a list and stick to it and quit browsing.

Meal Planning:

• We have a deep freeze and we do a lot of preparations of foods ahead of time. We make and freeze; chicken pot pies, spaghetti sauce, red chili, green chili, cod in Panko, and calamari in Panko.
• I have a white board in my pantry - I keep a running list of dinner options because how many times have you asked your significant other what he wants for dinner and he responds, "I don't know, what are my options" or "I don't know, what do we have?" And you reply, "I don't know." And it becomes pizza night? (Not that there is anything wrong with that...)
• On my white board list right now (in addition to the items in the freezer); Salmon, Tacos, Stroganov, Raviolis, Chicken Breasts, Halibut, Fish Tacos, Gnocchi, Shrimp, Frozen Pizza
• I try to keep my fridge and pantry stocked so that I can make just about anything I happen upon a recipe for.
• Pinterest. There, I brought it out. I have a Pinterest board for cooking and when I need a new idea I go there.

Actual Cooking:
I wish I did cooking, but it seems as though what I do is "meal prep". I try to plan meals ahead, but so often it is walk in the door and figure out dinner. I have a crock pot and I am ok at using it, but not great. I struggle with everything tasting the same or it being a novelty substitute for real actual good cooking.

• Once a week Leif is responsible for planning and executing dinner (with me). I try to get him to do most of it. We have had some interesting foods - egg pie (a few times, he likes quiche), meatball sandwiches a few times, chicken nuggets (note that this is where I jump in - we make panko chicken breasts instead, if he is going to learn to cook then he is going to learn from raw ingredients - within reason for a work night), nachos (yes that counts), fish, macaroni and cheese homemade (flop) and hamburgers (his favorite).
• For the most part I get the weeknight cooking duties and AB gets the weekend. He enjoys BBQ'ing and for the most part that is the only time we really do red meat - I don't cook red meat. It's not that I have an opposition or anything... nope, this is where my husband's pickiness comes in... he is VERY particular about how his food - particularly his meat - is cooked. 
• Breakfast - whatever I make on the weekend we double or triple the batch and make and freeze enough for during the week. Pancakes? Freeze fabulously. Crepes, separate them with parchment paper and freeze for easy weekday breakfasts. Muffins too!

Content:
I like to think I am not over the top with food. But some people will read this and think I am a total slacker and criticize that my kids eat white sugar and flour. Others will read this and think I am a health nut.

Whatever.

My mother died of a rare digestive cancer. Some part of me has wondered how much of this has to do with what she ate on a regular basis. I don't think I will ever know what caused her cancer, but I can't help to think that my kids and I are at a greater risk for this or other digestive cancers. I am a huge advocate for "everything in moderation". But some moderations are smaller than others.

By my typing this I hope no one thinks I am being critical or self righteous. It isn't my intent.

Used very sparingly if at all:

• Pop, Soda, Carbonated drinks - my son makes this easy, he won't drink carbonated drinks at all. AB and I gave them up years ago. Though we do indulge on a rare Jack and Coke or a Pepsi at a movie theater.
• Partially hydrogenated anything - I am sure I miss it on occasion, but we avoid it.
• Fast Food - (Pizza excluded) It is a treat to have when we are headed out of town.
• Canned vegies - attempt to use fresh when at all possible with the exception of canned carrots (because for some freaky reason my daughter loves those things) and an occasional can of green beans to serve as a vegie for the kids when AB and I have fixed something we have no expectation of the kids eating.
• Fruit Snacks - my kids used to be slaves for these. Then I made a rule that I wasn't buying them if the kids weren't shopping with me. And since I avoid taking them grocery shopping... well they have fallen out of favor.
• Store bought cookies - face it, homemade taste better and they aren't THAT hard to make.
• Cereal - believe it or not my kids are not cereal fans. Skadi will eat Frosted Mini Wheats (pink ones) without milk. Leif would rather have oatmeal. I eat Puffed Kashi. AB is the only one who seems to miss cereal. True confession - I buy a box of Lucky Charms to keep in the trailer during the summer as a treat when we are camping.

Used in moderation:

• Red meat - my husband has a hard time with vegetarian, but he can be limited to no red meat except for 1-2 times a week.
• White bread - I buy whole wheat for everything but hamburger buns and hot dogs. So far my kids have yet to notice a difference.
• Pasta - I love it, the kids love it, but I try to limit it to 1-2 times a week. One night being spaghetti night, the other can be macaroni and cheese or white cheddar shells and cheese side dish.

Used a lot:

• Fish - A lot. Really a lot. The kids love salmon, cod, halibut and trout. They also love calamari steaks, are learning to love scallops and shrimp.
• Fresh vegies - I push and push them and amazingly they are starting to sink in with at least one child. Leif loves baked cauliflower, Skadi loves broccoli, Leif does kale chips, fresh peas and carrots. AB and I try to do salad most nights.
• Chicken breasts - truth be told I could care less for chicken breasts. Ok, I might even go so far as to say I despise them. They have no flavor, little texture and just blah - I would prefer a thigh or drumstick anyday. But we buy the breasts bulk at Costco and use them. A lot. But the kids love chicken tikka masala, breaded chicken cutlets, Chicken Satay, etc. And they are easy. Way easy.
• Rice - of all types. Even boxes of rice pilaf. The kids love it and I like it too.
• Fruits for side dishes. My kids will do fruit salad. Skadi only likes apples, bananas and oranges for some reason - she is weird. Though she will eat most fruit dried. I haven't figured her out. On a day when her fruit and vegie intake has been light, we slice up and apple for her side dish.

So there you have it. How I do meals... How do you do it?

How I Do It

Recently I posted complaining about blog posts that aim to tell us all as parents how wrong we are doing things. Helpful? Notsomuch.

I am going to try and go against the grain - post a series of blog posts about how I do things.

Perfect? Far from it. And recently I posted about not really reading blogs anymore and that was sort of true. I really do enjoy reading posts from other moms on how they make it through the day, their work, school, food, etc. There is even a local magazine that features a mom each month and I look forward to picking it up so that I can read the recurring article about "How She Does It". Sometimes I even know them. So I guess it is my turn. You might find a nugget, you might not. You might walk away thinking I so do NOT have it together - and you would be right. But at least it is honest.

So before I embark on this I thought I would give you a little background. Most of you who read my blog know me. You know that I work, you know I have two kids, you know I am not terribly worried about being private or hiding things. You know that you will walk into my house and what you see is what you get. I don't hide behind a facade of perfection.

But to put us all on the same page, here is where I am starting from:

Challenges:

• My husband works four, 10 hour days, one hour from the house. That means he walks out of the house at 5:30am and returns right on the dot at 5:30pm. Friday is his day off.
• Kids - two of them. Cuteness abounds, but don't let them fool you, they are rascals and seem to have inherited not only my hair color, but my klutziness.
• Animals - two cats, two dogs. Because we are nuts. Enough said.
• Food - my kids are picky as hell. One is starting to come around. The other takes stubborn to a new level.
• Work - I work 40 hours a week. I am very, very lucky to have an employer who allows a flexible schedule whereby I can telecommute as needed. I have more guilt in my own head about this though. Somedays I feel like I am cheating, but then I sit down and count out the hours and realize that maybe I should have charged more than I do.
• Travel - with my (flexible) work comes the requirement that I do occasionally have to travel. It is June and by the end of July I will have travelled 5 or 6 times this calendar year.
• New job responsibilities - which means a new career ladder to negotiate. I am officially management now.
• Job politics - you get it, I don't need to elaborate.
• Lack of family nearby - luckily I have a few friends I can rely on, but living in a region without family support with two working parents can be incredibly difficult, which makes #5 above very handy.
• Work-Life balance - I tend towards being a workaholic. I have trouble putting things down, picking up my keys and leaving for the day. I thrive on work success. Now to balance it and let things out of my tight fist...
• High expectations - I have them. I hold myself up to high expectations, others for the most part not as high as I hold myself.

So there it is - where I am coming from.

I won't tackle each one of these necessarily. Some will be combined. But we will see where this goes...

Just rambling...

You know that website Pinterest - serious suck me in waste my time thing. I try to limit my pins to things I may actually use someday, though I do like strolling through other people's quotes and styles boards. Quotes don't usually speak volumes to me. Some are cute, but in 60 seconds I have generally moved on and forgotten them and I don't need yet another thing to follow. But I have some good online friends who collect quotes and I like strolling through them.

The other day someone posted one that has stuck hard with me.

I seem to keep coming back to this in my head. It seems like in the last five years I have had a lot of this... events that have changed me. I wonder if in some weird alternate universe where you don't know my face, if some unsuspecting person met me five years ago and then again today, if they would see the same thing? I don't think so.

Of course there are the obvious ones that many of us go through - marriage, becoming a parent, etc. But there are others, small things that change you in surprisingly profound ways.

The first one that pops to my mind isn't a small one, but has probably provided the largest source of change in my life over the past 5 years, has been the process of my mom dying at a young age from cancer. How can that not change you? And in the larger scheme of things it is the way it is supposed to work, children are supposed to lose their parents first and not vice versa. (I can't even imagine the reverse.) But watching someone grapple with a diagnosis, then over time see the options deteriorate and then finally losing someone at a relatively young age. It's hard.

How has this changed my life? (How has it not... I am sure you agree.) It has affected the way I view objects. Lifetimes of stuff that have deep meaning to really only one person - yourself. It has affected the way I view life - let's get the stuff done in life we want to do! I want to vacation. I want to quit putting off things and experiences we want. (We bought a trailer last spring to camp around the Northwest and eventually beyond.) It has affected the way I see our healthcare system - even though my mom had excellent insurance she still struggled to get things paid for daily, why when someone is living their last few months, should they have to struggle with this? It has affected the way I see time spent with my kids. It has affected my view of my job - I love my job, but really in the larger scheme of things, how important is being right here? It's not. Obviously we all need money and I am reasonably employable I believe elsewhere. Why not seek other experiences?

I have a very successful coworker who recently told me very matter of factly that his family doesn't have long lifespans and so he plans to retire in 3-4 years. I have rolled this over in my head. There are no guarantees, but if the odds are not "ever in your favor"? What would you do?

Which brings me to my job... nope, I am not looking to jump ship anytime soon. I am lucky, I really like my job. But in the last 5 years as I have waffled between science and management, I have experienced things that have changed my perspective of what I do for a living. One of them is a direct link from above - I don't necessarily want to spend my entire life toiling away in a lab. In order to broaden my employability and keep my options open for life in another place, I have embraced management.

Take that a step further... I have been changed by working in management. I have learned that I can manage someone, but only to a certain degree, I can't control them, I can try to guide them, but in the end, and there will come an end, a person is going to do what he is going to do (be a dumbass) and it is his career, not mine. I first tried to embrace this as a grad student - taking control of my career and not letting things happen, but making things happen. Then again as a post-doc. I have mastered this now - I make things happen and don't wait for things to happen to me. I can't afford to jump on bandwagons. I have to stand up for myself and not be trounced on. I also have to trust that management isn't always blind. I have to trust those who are there to back me up as their job, but I can't rely on them.

This has - to a certain degree - hardened me as a person in my day to day interactions (but not as a mom). I have been forced to remain stoic while being criticized, crying only in the privacy of my home. A coworker recently told me he was surprised at how thick my skin was and had expected the opposite of me. I am not easily swayed, I view it all as "just business". When it comes to delivering bad news, I am not the one that shies away anymore.

Which brings me to my last one. I have, in the past, had a sort of lone wolf mentality at work. This was brought on early in my career when I was hired on permanently from being a post-doc and promptly told to move on by the project I was working on as they felt they could no longer afford me. Over the past few years I have built relationships at work with people I can trust, I can confide in, and who will back me up. After years of doing my own thing, this is a nice change of pace and I am not letting those people go and instead, I am working to expand this network.

So back to the personal side... AB and I have for nearly our entire courtship, lived far away from family. This has changed who I am. I don't rely on a lot of people usually. Having kids has forced me to rely on others, but I am not always comfortable with that. We have an excellent support network among our friends, but we don't have the grandparents or the big family dinners and as much as I dislike saying it, my kids have to be reminded who their families are. As the kids get older they are starting to remember people though. We, for the most part, are very used to it just being us. This has been a challenge over the past couple years as we have had a family member move near us. This has changed me in ways I won't delve into here. It has changed me in that I have someone to help out and I just have to let go and accept help from someone I know loves the kids with all her heart.
Now that you have listened to me ramble - what changes define you?

Stress

I think I am addicted to it.


If I admit something, does that make it get better or just become more real?

I had a class Friday morning called Stress Management. And frankly this class pissed me off.

I went into the ridiculousness of this a few days (or was it weeks?) ago. They schedule a class caused Cost and Resources. My first thought was, “yeah, I could teach that class, but whatever. And oh crap it is scheduled to go until 5pm, I need childcare.” So after I scrambled to get childcare lined up… since I work a “cushy” schedule of leaving at 3:00pm daily… they changed the class to Stress Management. I think about the irony. Then a few days later they moved the class to an even WORSE day then the first one – the day my big huge deliverable was scheduled to ship. (Hello IRONY!) I told them straight up, I may not make this class and mustered a joke about “and I am probably the one that needs it”. They expressed the importance at making every single class, even the ones that “may not seem important at the time”.

Sigh.

Unfortunately due to an unforeseen and unfortunate event in the lab, I was able to attend class Friday morning. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any stress with making the decision to attend class versus a teleconference with the client to review the unfortunate event. But I have a great coworker who insisted I go to stress management (suggesting I might need it and commenting on the irony of the timing) and he would run the telecon and promised to take really good notes. (I am still skeptical on the last comment… *I* am the note taker.)

I sat, very impatiently, through Stress Management this morning. I sat there certain, that no one in that class had my level of stress right now and could we just get on with this so I could get back to my office.

And certainly the instructor had no idea how inconvenient this all was since she talked so slowly and PowerPoint animations crawled by at a snail’s pace. Seriously now? I don't need to see a word slide up the page, just put it there.

I know. Ironic, huh? Stress management my...

I am still a bit annoyed by the class because there were no massages. Truly, Stress Management should include massages.

But I am coming around. The telecon with the client went well my coworker has repeatedly assured me. (Haven’t seen any notes yet…) And I walked out of class today with a very important take away message.

“Stress can be addictive.”

Hello, I am Nuclear Mom and I am addicted to stress.

You know that Katy Perry song, “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no…”

I have been humming this song lately trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

I have been busting my butt daily on my work, barely accomplishing the things that need to be done, letting slip the things that aren’t pounding at my door. But frankly, if I really admit it, loving every minute of it. Ok, the icky meltdown event from Monday really sucked, I didn’t love that AT ALL or the fact finding afterwards. But every regular day. Love it.

On the rare occasion that I have a day where I am able to catch up I sit at my desk and pound stuff out. And then I twiddle my thumbs for 30 minutes. Then I freak out.

Full on freak out.

I don’t have anything to do! I start making phone calls to people, “when are you going to have X data?” “What about that paper you promised me?” “Do you have time for a meeting on this proposal?”

Freak out. Where is my endorphin rush? Where is that edge of panic that I thrive on?

Work right now is a tough place to be for a lot of people. Tough as in they don’t have work to fill their time cards and are fearing layoffs. When I am not pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get things done, I am paranoid. What is happening? Why aren’t people calling me? Do I need to start looking for work?

“Hot then you’re cold…”

Middle ground. I need it bad.

I need to kick this addiction to stress, the endorphin rush from pounding things out the door feels good. But I fear dropping things. I fear not doing my best. I fear disappointing someone.

I am going to work on this. Really, I am.

Irony

I called AB the other day to remind him that I have a class on that Thursday and would thus have to work late and he would have to get off early. He replies to me, "so do I, I have that leadership class".

And so we started scrambling.

You know when you are faced with adversity (I know, this isn't really adversity), so you are faced with a challenge to overcome in your family and you fail initially to look outside of your little family unit? I panicked. I stressed.

Yes, well it did finally dawn on me that luckily we do have a network of families to help out. Skadi is still in a preschool/daycare setting and so she isn't the issue, it was what to do with Leif. Who would meet his bus?

I went into action - I e-mailed my three closest friends with kids my son's same age and in the same school. Of course they all came to the rescue with solutions of offering to take Leif after school.

Phew. I could make my Cost/Resource Loading class after all.

Then the next day they changed the name of the class, "Stress Management".

Then they cancelled class for that Thursday and rescheduled it for two Tuesdays away.

Irony.

Two weeks off!

The past few months have been a real whirlwind. I am sure that is just what happens when you have two careers and two busy kids. I have got a big long list of blog topics on my phone and I am hoping to get to those over the next two weeks as I enjoy my two weeks off. But right now? Just a general catch up is in order.

Let's see... the kids started gymnastics again. This second time around, a year later, is much better for Skadi. She is now in the big kids area and not the little kids area, which is really what she wanted all along. She is quite happy being a gymnast. And same as last time, I have put Leif in gymnastics as well because I would just rather not have him sit next to me with his nose in his DS for an hour every Monday night. Nope, he gets to be out there too. Last year he loved gymnastics, this year a little less so for some reason.

Both kids are in swimming. My Skadi fish has passed up again so that she and Leif are now in the same class. While this reflects great on her, I won't tell you how many years Leif has been in this level. Some day he is going to get it, right? One day it will all click and he will take off.

Leif loves first grade and is doing so well. He has a super teacher and we are just so proud of him.

This year we decided to all volunteer to be shepherds in our church's Living Nativity. Last year AB and Leif did it, while Skadi and I stayed home and held the fort down with many "girl's nights". This year we decided we would all give it a try. I figured that Skadi and I could always bail if it became too much for her (or me). Well that worked until the first rehearsal night when she was picked to be the little shepherd to kiss baby Jesus at each performance. And suddenly we are there and commited for every performance!

Me? Things are good. A lot of changes.

I had a rough year on my one big project dealing with a demanding client, in a difficult funding year, and a team that was ripping apart at the seams. I tried and tried to deal with the team issue and I knew exactly where it was stemming from. One person. One person who was sucking the project dry funding wise, constantly pushing scope in the wrong direction, being divisive among the team, and who, no matter what I tried, I could not trust and nor could most of my coworkers.

After a long year of trying to manage the situation both from the client's side as well as our side, the client made a phone call to my superiors and asked that the person be removed. A day later it was done. It was ugly. It remains ugly. But the project is seriously one of the happy places for all of us now. My team is just this happy little cohesive unit that smiles and jokes and delivers.

It makes me sad actually though. Sad because I always liked this person, until I worked closely with him for a few years. He gave me opportunities, career changing opportunities. And I will never forget that. But I will also keep in mind the actions of someone whose career was spiraling and the desperate accusations made towards me.

On the rare occasion I see him in the hallway he always looks right at me and pushes his glasses up with his middle finger like a junior high kid. And I smile. AB has uttered the words, "hostile work environment". But I am not like that. I can get past it. I can see why he is angry and hurt and seeing his reaction only makes me feel more sorry for him. This is how you deal with adversity? With your middle finger? Well, I am better than that.

We found out last week that we won an award for this project! A big award that involves a cross country trip to receive our award in May. Wheee!

My career has recently catapulted. I managed to pick up five additional projects to manage, one of those to PI, in late September. They have kept me busy. Too busy. Then one of my favored clients had a proposal call and because I was a delinquent in returning proposal ideas for consideration (too much other stuff on my plate and I truly just forgot), I was just handed one to write up. That works. My least favored, but flush with cash, client has issued a proposal call and I have found out that my name is being put on at least 3 proposals as manager. Then on Friday one of the PI's I started working with in October asked me to manage another $3M project he is pulling in.

Yes, I have problems saying no. But my ALD, who was once my boss, once complained to me during lunch one day, "I can't believe that he told me no, that he couldn't take that project. You never say no! You say yes and then you make it happen even if you aren't the one doing the work. Delegate." My next goal starting in January is to build a team of project managers. Ones I know and trust and who can adapt to my style (if needed) and who can help me with the nearly $8M worth of projects I am presently sitting on with hopes for another few mill on top of that for the coming year.

Given all this, you would think my management would call it a good year for me. Wrong. After two years of exceeding expectations, I have apparently faltered.

I call it that I am being punished for the above issue concerning my coworker. He is the "popular" one in my group.

I can't quite figure out how I can be an author on more papers, have more deliverables, be in higher demand, but have dropped a couple notches in my manager's perspectives. This whole review process has never made much sense to me.

I made a snap decision the other day. Actually it was a decision I have been mulling over for a year and have discussed with my mentor and a few other people in higher ranking positions. But after reading my review I made the snap decision to jump ship over to the manager ladder. After all, it is those requirements that I am meeting, not the scientist ones so much anymore. According to my mentor I am functioning two levels above the manager level I map to. Time to make that change and start receiving credit for my work.

So at the first of the year I become one of the pointy haired sorts.

The other change? Early this fall I made the decision to drop to less than full time. But... I take a lot of calls at home. I always have a surplus of hours (I haven't had to actually USE vacation time for anything until this two weeks off). And I have 3-4 trips coming up this spring, which becomes a sink for hours typically speaking.

When I made the change my management told me, "just make sure you are getting paid for the hours you are working".

I need to either turn off, or get paid for it. And it is hard, so very hard, to turn it off. Especially when I have big deliverables and procurements to approve and visiting scientists that I am hosting who need things. I will be working from home the rest of my hours and going back to full time starting in February.

So there it is. My work update. And bits of updates on my kids. More on them to come over the next few days!

The New Normal After 1 Month

It has officially been 1 month since I started my new schedule saying I would leave work at 3pm four days a week.

I like it.

I have an ongoing list of things that need to be done. Some are fun, some are chores. But I try to pick one of each most every afternoon.

And then there are the days when I abandon the list all together and do something crazy like tape off the foyer and paint the majority of it.

I like to work.

I completely respect people who choose to stay home with their kids. I don't get the SAHM vs Working Mom debate. We are all different. We have choices in this country. What works for me is not expected to work for others. Freedom to choose. Etc, etc.

I like to work. I am good at what I do. I get a jolt inside from the things I do on a daily basis. I have a whole lot of pride in my work and love my pats on the back. I need that.

But at the same time my kids' childhoods are flying by WAY WAY too fast. I need the time with them. I need them to come home to a mom in the house afterschool.

And I am in a very privileged position because *I* can make that choice. Not a lot of people can.

We are into our groove and I feel a sense of calm that has come over our house.

No more crazy rush to get something, anything on the table for dinner every night.

No more Wednesday night scramble to get the house picked up. Ok, so it is Wednesday afternoon scramble, but that leaves our nights open.

No more immediately ruling out any activity that starts before 6pm.

Less stress.

Even today, Sunday that is, I always do laundry on Sunday. And I stress about getting the laundry folded. I find myself saying in my head that if it doesn't get folded (because I am reading Bon Appetit) that I can always do it tomorrow afternoon. Ok, nevermind, that IS just called procrastination.

I am to the point where I feel like I can start adding to the schedule. That we have a routine, I know what to expect from the kids each afternoon. I am thinking I can start running on the treadmill again during that 30 minutes that I give in and put SpongeBob on. Gymnastics has moved onto the schedule (or at least we are waitlisted for the coveted classes).

Things are good. I am happy. The kids are happy. AB is happy. We are good.

Working the new normal

I mentioned a week or so ago that moving toward the new normal was proving to be a challenge. That packing up from work, leaving early and then knowing what to do with myself once home, was difficult.

Leif has challenges, according to his present and former teachers, with transitions. I think I know where he gets this from.

I struggle with it too. When I work, I like to have lots of projects and lots of things on my plate, but I tend to spend large chunks of time on one project and work it until all my outstanding to do items on that project are dealt with. While everything else festers sits idle. I claim myself to be a multitasker, but I wonder if I am more just a person who dislikes idle time? A person who fears boredom?

Say for example I am working project X and someone from project Y calls me. I have to fight my gut response that says, "what! Don't you know I am fully entrenched in something that has nothing to do with you or your work? Go away!"

Ok, so I would never ever say that. And I probably don't think it in those terms. But when I break it down and acknowledge my annoyance with phone calls on topic Y, while working topic X, this is where my annoyance stems. I can't transition to what you are talking about on this topic!

(And what is it lately with the increase in phone calls? Doesn't anyone e-mail anymore? My phone seems to ring off the hook lately at work.)

Ok, back to the topic at hand. The new normal.

My problem for the first few weeks is that I came home to work and didn't really know what I was supposed to be doing. Should I be doing laundry? Or fixing dinner? Or answering work e-mails? Or sitting in front of the TV with my kids? Or should we go to the park? I really want to sort photos. And I really need groceries... Argh! And before I knew it AB would be home and I would feel like I hadn't used my time wisely.

This last week I have kept a list on my phone of things I *want* to do. Ok, also on it is my list of things I *need* to do. I planned out my days and our dinners and the kids activities. I checked things off my list (yes, I have been known to put something on my list just so I can check it off). And happiness ensued.

Dinner gets made. The house gets picked up. Homework gets done. Books get read.

I enjoy work. I am good at what I do. I just need to apply my same strategies for a happy work life to my time at home.

The groove isn't worn in yet. But the wheel is working it. Once I get our schedule down and the new normal sets in, then I can set about changing and adding things.

Looking for the groove

We are all two weeks into the new normal. Leif riding the bus to and home from school and me meeting him at the bus with Skadi and the three of us having afternoons together.

I want to say it is an easy transition, but it seems to be perplexing us all at times. I keep wondering when this is going to become the normal feeling, because it sure isn't yet.

I have to admit that I might be a bit of a workaholic. Not the one that works long hours. I was FAR from working a 60 hour week. Nope. I was 40 hours, but the vast majority of time a very productive 40 hours that makes me very proud.

I am very lucky that I love what I do (for the most part). I have my days... and my people... that make life far more difficult than it really should be. But for the most part I am really, really happy with my work life and well after I get home each night, my brain is still working.

I admit that the change to getting up and walking out of work 2 hours early a day isn't coming easy to me. I know it will get easier and I do think that the fiscal year end (read crazy ridiculous government rules imposed) has a lot to do with it and I am waiting until well into FY12, after October 1, before I start making any meaningful judgments.

I love, love being home with my kids in the afternoons. But I need to get better organized. I have a list of things on my phone I want to work on, need to do and dinner ideas. But somehow I get home and actually feel a touch lost. I have trouble turning work off, even when I am not checking my phone for e-mails. My brain rolls along wondering if person X is getting that presentation done, if contracts specialist Y is  talking to that vendor, if client Z is trying to get ahold of me or who is up working in the lab and if they will lock the door at the end of the day. I worry about what people will think when they hear I am not working full time - will the managers I work to impress suddenly shy away from me? Will people be reluctant to work with me because they will view me as unreliable? Or will it go largely unnoticed?

My list of things to do in the afternoons is so often errands - go return the soccer gear to the YMCA, take Leif to the doctors, take Skadi to get new glasses, go get new paint samples from Home Depot - that I just don't feel as though I have really sunk into a good routine. I think I will. Actually I know I will.

I keep eyeing the 4:30pm tennis lessons for ages 4 and up and the club... and thinking about that stack of cds I want burned onto my computer... and the photos files that I have intent to organize during my free time and not to mention my goals. I am organized in every other aspect of my life... I need to apply it to my after schools planning!

We will get there, I am sure of it. I realize that I am so very lucky to be in a position to be able to scale my hours back and not to have to rely on after school care, but I need to sink a bit more into it and the new routine.

Domestication?

This week there have been a lot of changes in the house. I have spent my week resisting the urge to fill in the space. The beloved space. The space I have craved for months... yes, actually years.

Years ago when Leif was little I said it was my goal to reduce my hours once he left our quiet peaceful private school for the hustle and bustle of the public school. I remember once my mother in law made the statement - "it is best to work when the kids are little, be home in the afternoons when the kids get older and can get in more trouble". That spoke to me way back when. And so it became my goal to reduce my hours to be home when they headed out into the world.

This week that goal was realized. On Tuesday, the first day of school, I sent my boy off on the big bus. He quickly friended a 4th grade girl who according to her mom, "loves to mother" and miracles of all miracles, he has made it successfully to school AND home every day so far this week! (Knock on wood.)

And so at 3pm when I am at work, or in a meeting, I have packed my things up, stood up and walked out.

With my managers concurrence of course.

I have to admit it has been a very weird feeling as quite often I am one of the last ones left in my hallway. Not because I work long hours, but because everyone else manages to get in WAY before me. Now I get in later than them, and I leave early. At least Monday through Thursday. Friday's AB is off and so it is his day to field the kids while I get to have my long day at work.

I tell you what, those two hours less at work are noticeable! My day seems so short. I feel that I have just enough time to get done what I need to get done. Anything extra? Well that is for Fridays. I actually love Fridays at work. It is often very quiet and I usually have a last burst of energy before the weekend to plow through my lists. Monday then becomes my busy day as everyone works off my productivity the day before the weekend.

I get home and those 2 hours at home make a world of difference. I can get settled in, go meet the bus, pick up the house, unload the dishwasher, make dinner...

Our Wednesday night pick up night? Nonexistent. Because by dinner time, my house is picked up and ready for the Thursday housecleaner. Yay me! Domestication?

I expect the downside is that my husband will gain weight since I have actual time to cook stuff... like manicotti (last night) instead of just throw together whatever is in the fridge.

The extra time I have in the afternoons affords a lot more flexibility for the family. Easier to get out for a walk in the evenings. Easier for my husband to justify time at the gym since he doesn't have to help me come home and scramble.

One other advantage? My daughter will spend less time at preschool a day, hopefully resulting in fewer opportunities for her to lose random privileges at school. Well, I can hope at least!

I am oh so tempted to add swimming, or gymnastics, or tennis lessons (just saw that option in the court club's newsletter) for the kids. But no. I am resisting the urge for a few weeks to settle in.

But I may do myself a favor and venture to the gym... just maybe!

Catching Up

It wouldn't be a catching up blog without me wondering where the month has gone. Yes, wasn't it just yesterday I was posting about July? And now here I am with one more day of summer camp for Leif.

My baby boy is going to the first grade! I remember the first grade... (there's a blog topic for a another day).

So us. Let's see...

AB - he's doing great. I am constantly amazed by him waking up at 4:30am every single morning - well at least Monday thru Thursday and some Fridays and going into work and working a 10 hour day. I know many people who would have walked out on that gig a long time ago.

Skadi - things are looking up for her. She was moved out of the corner and all summer long has only lost one or two privileges. She truly has been such a pleasure to be around lately. She even has started showing an interest in wearing jeans! Gasp! I still embrace the dresses for her because I don't think this will last for long and I want to enjoy the dress phase.

I ordered a pair of cute jeans for her the other day, super flare with embroidered flowers. She was so excited when they arrived. Put them on and they were too tight. Gurr. There were tears. She couldn't believe that happened and wanted them so badly to wear a pink belt with. Me? I can't believe I just ordered size 5's to replace the ill fitting ones. 5? Really?

Me - work is going well. I had posted previously about concerns with being light on work. I really should know better than to send a note to my manager and team lead before actually putting my own feelers out. Within 3 days I was back to being fully committed for the remainder of this year and the coming year. And AB cursed me - he told me this would happen - and he was right. Now I am looking at my plate and wondering if I have too much on it? Because if I am not scrambling crazy busy, I don't have enough. I sent a note to my managers the other day - please do NOT send me any work (unless you know, it is just exactly perfect for me... like this other stuff I just accepted...). Sigh.

All of this has resulted in for me a whole lot less stress. I know the source of my stress... concerns over work. I can enjoy my weekends again!

Goals? Well let's see here...

If on Friday I buy paint samples and this weekend I put them on the wall and see how they look, I think I will hit my August goal!

It's all about what's up at work

I think I tend to get quiet on my blog when things are bothering me. Specifically, work stuff. I have gone in phases over the past 6.5 years with blogging about work. From venting about all the crazy stuff early on, to overflowing with love for what I do, to not saying anything out of a paranoid fear of "who's reading?" Still I try to give glimpses on occasion of what is going on there, what life is like as a Ph.D. mid-career chemist and as a working mom.


Work can be challenging at times and I am presently trying to negotiate a difficult path. Walking the line between management and science without fully committing to or rejecting either. Each has its own challenges.


Things were going along swimmingly as a scientist until this funding cycle when I appear to be left out standing on the porch with one of the clients. As I have stated before, when one door closes another creeps open and surprisingly one of the other clients gave us the go ahead to write a lifecycle plan, which in this funding climate was a surprise.


On the last project, things have been flying around doing wonderfully, except interactions with one person. I have been all over the map with my feelings about this. From questioning every single move I make out of fear of stepping on toes, to being ticked off, to trying to be nice, to being ticked off. Back and forth, forth and back.


It has expended so much of my energy these last few months and has been incredibly frustrating. What should be a fabulous project is causing me heartache.


I have known this person since I was a post-doc. We have worked together on a few other projects. And now our friendship has been reduced to shreds. There will be no saving this friendship when all is said and done I fear.


And it breaks my heart.


But at the same time it ticks me off to be stepped on, walked all over and disrespected. I know for a fact, in my heart, that this person would not treat a male coworker in this manner. But this is not what I have documentation for. No gender card here.


I worried that I was blowing things out of proportion and just PMS'y... it has happened before... but I brought a few close confidents into the fold who have hit the ceiling.


I have lost sleep, I have wallowed, I have been self absorbed and not terribly attentive to what else is going on, thanks to all this. And wet drops inexplicable came out of my eyes at work... not sure what happened there or how my rhino work skin was penetrated, but it happened. Thankfully I have those couple of people to pick me up and stand behind me. Thank you guys.


But there it is in obscure, vague terms. The certain end of a friendship, the potential end of a work relationship in so much as I will never ever ever work another project with this person again. Ever. I am sure the feeling is mutual there.


And I don't take that lightly.

Being a woman in science

I love reading stories about women in science and the unique hurdles they had to overcome to get to where they are today. The American Chemical Society posted a link to these articles from a Fairbanks, Alaska newspaper for Women in Science month.


I am now – amazingly – in that “mid-career” category. Not a newbie by any amount. I have been around the block once or twice. I am still young enough that I went into science in college thinking equality was in. Men had grown up or moved on. I was a professional product of the 90’s. YES, the 90’s. But still my stories aren’t too far off from the women who shared in these articles who have more experience than me.


Do I think things are changing? YES. I hosted a student last year who was a chemical engineer from Yale and one of my most memorable conversations with her was after one of our big team meetings for the Navy project. We left and I can’t remember how she put it, but she was surprised. “They are all guys,” she exclaimed. And went on to tell me that all her classes were at least 50-50.


My hallway at work is estrogen lane. There are 13 offices in my hallway and all but two are occupied by women.


My team lead? A woman. My manager? A woman. I love it!


Because in my daily activities? The projects I work on daily and the people I work with?


All men.


And that is how it has been since I started here. No joke. Now I am a physical scientist with a little more engineering and physics to my chemistry life, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Where are the women?


I liked the questions posed to these women scientists in Alaska and figured I would take it upon myself to answer them. If you are a woman in science, answer them in the comments, e-mail your answers to me and I will post them here in my blog or post the answers on your blog and provide me the link, okay?


“Were there more hurdles for you to clear in science because you were a woman?” (Ok, poorly written question, “are” they ARE women, they aren’t men now…)


I don’t believe there were more hurdles to clear education-wise because I am a woman. I believe that I had every opportunity presented to me as an undergrad and grad student in the 90’s based on the path I chose. Now I did reject one school after I had a very disheartening visit. I visited on the same day as another male potential graduate student at Colorado State and professors took him out to lunch – at the same place that the female graduate student assigned to take me out, took me. Later when I asked the department head if I would have an opportunity to teach upper division chemistry, he told me that female TA’s were not well received by the student body. I ran the other way. Once I was settled in a great program I experienced little gender disconnect. In my first year, I was teaching an upper division lab class. I should note that I went to a school with a very young faculty and with (gasp) three female faculty members.


I believe that I had a few more hurdles in the workplace than I had in education as a women. When I signed on as a post-doc, my mentor made sure to get me a p-card immediately, so I could place the teams' orders and I worked editing their reports and pulling their presentations together. I was a glorified admin. When I was in the lab and the guys walked in they would say, “hi honey, I am home” and the like. The team I was hired into was very unfriendly to women and when I started asking around the other women nodded and one even said that the whole group was shocked when this team brought a woman post-doc on. In order to advance I had to pick myself up, meet others, prove myself to others and make a name for myself. The guys who came in the same time as me were being paraded around like princes while I was struggling to get someone to give me the time of day.


“Has public perception changed about women scientists?”


Yes, I had the student last summer who as a senior had never encountered anything less than 50% female student body. I never had anything close to 50% women in my classes at a very liberal college. But this is college, in the workplace I think there is a ways to go.


Today, I am working in project management and I recently had an incident with a coworker that was not happy with me. Some of the things he said, and the analogies he made to our managers lead me to sit and wonder if he would have said these things of a man sitting across the table from him. I am quite positive not. I think (large stereotype here) "older" men are not afraid to challenge a woman in the workplace more on her knowledge or leadership abilities. There seems to be a perception that you have to be a ball breaker to move up, act like a man, don’t bring your femininity, but these are the same things that are frowned upon when we look up to women who have made it. I work quite well with men in the same general age group as myself. My Gen-X counterparts get it. They are the ones pulling double duty with their wives in child rearing and who have heard their wives come home with tales like mine. I tend to think that they would never treat a woman in a way they wouldn’t want their wives treated. Older generations (complete generalization here) their wives didn’t work in technical fields and many never worked at all. They don't have that same thought process or female professors or mentors to draw upon that the Gen X'ers did.


“Have there been hurdles you have faced that a man would not have faced?”


Getting exposure. When I first started as a post-doc so often it was assumed I was an admin assistant. I will claim that it is all about who you know. There are men here that are afraid to know a woman. Many deals are brokered over lunch, but many men are afraid to go have lunch with a female colleague – at least outside of a group. It presents a Catch-22. I work with a woman who told me about asking a manager to have dinner with her one night. She was married, he was married. She had some technical questions she wanted to pose and suggested they grab a bite to eat. He was so taken aback that he actually mentioned to her “sexual harassment”. Would this happen with two guys? No, they would go grab a beer at the local sports bar.


Another aspect, I went through a spell there working for a manager whose wife had never worked out of the home. The realities I faced with being a working mom with a newborn were foreign to him and he pretty much chalked me up as a whiner and told me there was no reason I couldn’t pump in the bathroom. When I pointed out there were no outlets he told me to get a battery pack. While I was out on my first maternity leave I had my first proposal funded. He handed it off to a man in my group citing he, “didn’t know what I wanted to do when I came back from leave”. He also never asked.


“What would you tell a girl who is contemplating a career in science?”


To find a good mentor at every stage. And by mentor I don’t mean manager – they have their own interests at heart in what they want you to do. Find someone you can talk freely to about what you want to do with your career. I wish I would have had more mentors in my career. Bachelors and then Masters or PhD so often is the given in science, but a mentor will be able to make suggestions based off experience, what do you really need to get where you want? What is the reality of academic positions? What if you love science, but wonder if there are other opportunities than standing in the lab? I have learned in the last few years that I have a propensity for management and business development. There are times when, despite the fact that this is what I want to be doing, I wonder if I am wasting my Ph.D. as I interact with managers sporting MBAs? The closest thing I have to a mentor right now (I am getting a new one in May) has told me no way, that in his product line he values highly technical managers. But just maybe, had I had someone early on in deciding what my career was going to be like and what life I wanted, maybe someone would have pointed me another way?

Making Decisions

I have always been a tad bit indecisive. This is part of my versatility thing that I have been working on the past few years. Analyze the situation (quickly) and make a decision when one needs to be made. I am getting much better at this in my professional life.

Personal life? Not so much.

Leif will start public school... first grade, this fall. I am taking a big gulp and registering him for this new phase of his life on March 1 with a good friend who is also in the same position. Declining that private school option that we have been with for the last 6 years with Leif and jumping over to the scary unknown. The place where kids are eaten alive.

Ok, kidding. I have friends whose kids are surviving with minimal scars.

I survived public school.

But I also had my mom home there waiting with homemade cookies and orange juice at the end of the day.

This has been killing me for the last year or so as I stare down this new aspect of Leif's life. Public school. A bus. A class with actual desks in rows. A teacher to student ratio of more than one to six.

Today I met with one of my managers. I truly am lucky to be in such a great group with two women who have children and have been through this all before.

I am also extremely lucky to be in a position where I can make decisions about my career and schedule. Not many women can choose whether they work 40 hours a day, flex their time and work from home, or opt for a less than full time schedule.

I trust my managers and appreciate their input. So when my manager had a quick answer for me this morning on what I should do this fall with my son going into first grade, as one mom who has been there and done that with a very successful career, I truly appreciated it.

Last year I carried seven projects where six of them were my own with my name as PI or Co-PI. This year it dropped to four. Three of those finish (or wind down substantially) on September 30th. I am in a position where (if my proposals pending out there don't come through) I will be looking for work. This hasn't happened in years.

"Do it now," she said. "It won't hurt your promotability, do it when you actually have a decrease in work. Try not to go below 80% time."

And I left her office elated. My answer! And it felt right.

Starting late this summer I am dropping from full full time. To just mostly full time. Or almost full time.

And with any luck I will have more time in the evenings to hang with my kids, get dinner made and just be happy.

And to be there with homemade cookies and orange juice. (Maybe.)

The Zone

I have learned, during my days off over the holidays, that I really am not a good candidate for a work from home gig.

When I was a grad student I attempted to write my dissertation from home. That didn't work. I could not force myself to sit at the computer and write. Instead I cooked and baked, I took the dog for walks, I watched bad daytime TV and I called my mom. I cleaned. I would look around and see things that needed to be done and instead of doing what I really needed to do, I would get up and clean the catbox, or the fridge, or vacuum the apartment carpet that never seemed to get clean. Not to mention the internet... I would surf the net.

If I wanted to finish my dissertation I had to give it all up. I had to get up and go into my lab each morning and sit at the computer and write without allowing myself the pleasure of browsing the internet (huge time suck). I gave up my discussion board for a few months too. I had to finish that 300 page tomb.

Since then I have never really attempted to work from home. Sure there were days when one of the kids was sick and I would come home and put them in bed or in front of the TV and I would work.

That is so so so different from having two, very healthy children who play and fight and bicker and want to do art and play Wii and play on the computer or need a glass of apple juice or can I have this snack? and never at the same time.

There have been a few fires that have needed put out at work the past few weeks. Really, everything was semi-typical and all in the course of a normal days work. But doing this all from home? Really not my forte.

I suppose that it is easier if both kids are say over the age of 5. Leif is pretty independent and understands that "mommy needs to take this phone call now". But Skadi just does not care. I was attempting a three way phone call with two male coworkers and ended up saying, "not now honey" and may never hear the end of that.

Something happens when I get work on the brain. I get in this zone. It is like I am a race horse with blinders on making me incapable of hearing or addressing things going on around me. I am normally a good multi-tasker - able to handle lots of projects and WORK issues at the same time. This does not extend to home life and children.

I get the work groove going, my blinders are on and until whatever issue needs to be addressed is solved, my pace quickens, my mind races, my food goes untouched and my heart beats a bit faster.

Thankfully last night when I started getting e-mails from my east coast client (at 6:15pm), AB was there to jump in and save our children from starving and to let me pace the house with my phone in my hand, my fingers texting, my laptop remoted in.

And until things were solved (sorry to my coworkers I was texting at 9pm) to the level that I was satisfied and the product line notified on the latest actions, I was in the zone. Could.not.extract.myself.

And in the end - I was terribly pleased with myself for handling the issues that needed to be dealt with.

I know people who work from home, and quite effectively at that.

Not me. I need the serenity of my office with a door I can shut (and a window overlooking the river for occasional daydreaming) with little guilt. Guilt that comes from my own head as the zone pulls me from "make your own pizza night". Guilt that I place on myself for dividing my attention with an unfavorable advantage towards my work.