Finding my happy place

Finding my happy place

Six years ago today I walked into my new job full of expectations of life as a scientist. Ok. So I was a post-doc. But I knew that if I worked hard enough and learned enough, I would be a full fledged scientist eventually.

How wrong I was. Life in this environment has only a small amount to do with how hard you work or how well you learn. It's dominated more by how well you master the politics.

And I am still learning that aspect.

I can honestly say that it is just within the past couple months that I have really found my happy place at work. I have had ups and downs, ebbs and flows, discouragements and encouragements over the last six years. I have made permanent decisions that will probably walk with me the rest of my career. I have left projects, quit working with people, and declared that I would no longer submit proposals to particular groups. On the flip side, I have also met lifelong allies, had incredible successes on projects and found new clients.

Political decisions. I am learning. But I am sinking into my niche.

Today I was in "my" new lab (so it isn't totally mine, but I can have all the space I want in this 400 square foot lab) on the main campus putting my new tools away in the tool box I ordered (those ARE mine).

In walked Z... he is my former team lead, turned coworker and now I am his project manager. It sounds all wonderful and like I am moving up in the world until you understand matrix management.

He took a big sigh as he stood in the doorway. Smiling.

Z and I have a lot in common. We were both misfits in our old group. He a chemical engineer, me a physical chemist. I followed him when given the opportunity to leave my group three years ago. I hitched my cart loosely to his donkey.

He stood inside the doorway smiling watching me put my tools away.

"Ah," he says. "Tis nice that we finally have a lab."

I smiled back though I kind of wanted to hug him for saying "we". And for letting me keep my cart hitched to his donkey the past few years.

Z traded his donkey for a decent sized steam engine this past year and is hoping to reap the rewards of his long labors and "make five" (i.e., get a promotion).

I picked up the stray donkey this year as well as upgraded my cart to a caboose for T's steam engine. The caboose provides a lookout, guidance for the train in front. This caboose provides braking power when needed.

I am working the two paths - my funding, my path towards independence as a scientist (the donkey) as well as testing the grounds in project/program management (the caboose).

My office will be packed up and moved in the next few days. I will inhabit my 6th office in as many years. I will leave the vicinity of the three buildings I have lived, worked, lactated, ate, laughted and occasionally - rarely, cried in the last six years.

I am moving by myself.

I am leaving the women who gave me all the tips on which projects to avoid, who the asshole male scientists were, who the best daycare teachers are, pregnancy secrets, benefits people to work with, and who threw both of my baby showers for me.

I worry they will forget me.

I am leaving the resources I have come to know, which labs I can pilfer things out of, which engineers I can rely on to do the job and do it right and interact with the shop for me to avoid those looks from the guys that say "she really has no idea, does she", which labs have the stock of handtools (though I now have my own), the cabinets that hold endless office supplies.

They... yeah they probably won't miss me

Six years on one hand seems like just yesterday. And in another way it seems as though it is a world away.

On to bigger and better things.