I have become a lizard

Nearly most of my life I have despised the heat. The sweltering, heavy, heat. I always liked it cold and snowy. Something has changed.

Yesterday I walked out of my cool, air-conditioned building at 5:30pm. The warm sun felt so good on my arms as I soaked it up walking across the black top parking lot to my car. I got in, turned on my car and looked at the dashboard for the outdoor temperature readout... 100F. That was probably 2-3 degrees hot, I would expect 97-98F was probably the correct temp.

Wow have things changed. Is this part of getting old? Is this why old people move to Florida and Arizona because the heat affects them less? Or is it just that my body knows that with the heat comes the fruit and vegetables. The cherries, nectarines, tomatoes, sweet onions...

Summer has arrived like a lion. It was in the 70's last week, which according to AB is perfect. Monday the lion arrived and it is roaring.

And I am loving it. What has happened to me?

My return from 4 days of bliss

Hanging out with my family was great. We had a fantastic four days. Before I go into it I will say that if you logged in for about 5 minutes there a little while ago you got to witness NM raging about a very small, eensy aspect (a 5 minute discussion) that stung so bad to my core that it exploded into a full on rage about how unfair people can be and the ridiculous demands placed on us by the ones who love us the most. It didn't keep with the tone of this blog, it pointed fingers, it vented, it showed my very hurt feelings and my own loneliness for our extended family with unfair hopes that they would read it and show loneliness for us as well. It was a selfish post that intended to hurt as bad as I was hurting.

As much as sometimes I want to be pointed and bitchy, to show people their inconsistencies, this isn't the place. The post isn't gone, it now resides in my private blog, which I very rarely contribute to because there isn't much that I don't feel I can't say here. Honesty? I still feel this way, but it was far too brutally honest for me to even see on my own blog day after day. It is best served by being planted elsewhere. Somewhere it can wither and die and not blossom and flourish.

Mother's Day

Nuff Said.

A few days of vacation

I am heading out in a few hours to pick up my mom and stepdad at the airport. Consequentally, I am worthless at work as I watch the minutes tick by. I have a few things to get done, and I will get to them. On that list is sitting down with my cpu and installing a second hard drive. I am technically inclined, but opening up my work pc storing all my data is not something I look forward to doing.

So instead... my favorite topic... Leif!

Leif will be 2 at the end of July and I can't believe how the time is flying by. It is truly amazing and frightening. I fear I am going to turn around and he will be 22. Last night at book club we reaffirmed that one of the most important tasks we all have at hand is to preserve our history. The history of our families, our accomplishments, and even mundane details are important because of the hints into what day to day life was like. These are the things you don't find in history books. (This discussion vindicated me that my long drowning on posts about stupid things are OK!! Just what you wanted to hear right?)

I go to bed many nights after Leif has done funny things, or said funny things and think "I need to remember to write that down". Anywhere, his baby book, the journal I just started for him, here... wherever. I need to write it down.

So here are some:

Leif, your favorite food at 21.5 months is macaroni and cheese. You call it "and cheese" and get so excited when it is put before you. You were not fooled however, when I attempted to serve you "broccoli AND CHEESE!" the other day. I have guilt about feeding you this... so much... but when it is one of the very few things you will eat, I will do it. Of course it is accompanied with vegetables, which you look at with complete disgust, unless they are canned green beans or corn. You inherited my extreme pickiness, although you wouldn't know now how picky I used to be. I overcame it and I keep telling Daddy you will too. Until then, macaroni and cheese or Campbell's MegaNoodles it is.

Speaking of MegaNoodles... that was last nights dinner after you snubbed pepperoni pizza. (You weird, weird little boy.) You cracked us up at the dinner table as you grabbed a noodle and went "zzzzzz" and flew the noodle around your head and finally landing in your own mouth where you would smile and go "mmmm!" Of course, this was not just a one time event. Nope, you did this with every.single.noodle in your bowl. And mommy still found it funny at the end. I will always be your biggest fan - though I am sure Daddy will give me a run for that title.

You are speaking a lot more lately. You still love "owside" and insist every evening that "we walk Winwe". You just adore Winny and she is so good with you. It scares me as I see the age in her eyes. She is 7 years old this month. Right now she is shedding horribly and apparently the girl that trims her is the preferred dog groomer of the area, because she couldn't get her in for 3 weeks. So we have another 2 weeks left whereby you can return the clumps of Winny hair (after they fall off her) back to Winny. When she isn't around you bring them to me and tell me they are "Winwe's".

Speaking of bringing me things... Gahh! I am so the mother of a little boy. Yesterday I was trying to get things ready for my book club meeting and you were wandering in and out of the house. You discovered bugs on the ground - but as you will tell everyone, bugs are really "bees". No dear, they aren't bees, they are just creepy crawly bugs. You kept bringing me in "bees" and putting them into my hand. I tried to explain that they were "rolly poleys", to which you looked at me sternly and said, "bees". Then went to fetch more. I washed my hands 10 times over thanks to you bringing me "bees".

Last night when people started arriving I was shocked to see my extremely extroverted little boy start clinging to my leg and hiding behind me. You became my shy little boy so quickly. Your personality never ceases to amaze me.

You love your stuffed rabbit that you named "Mouse". But starting two nights ago it has become increasingly important to you to have your stuffed Puppy and Lion when going to bed. I took a picture of you the other night on daddy's lab clutching puppy, lion, and Mouse, while still holding your baba (bottle) in your mouth and rubbing your blanket. Daddy was only slightly annoyed that you were so observant to notice whenever you dropped anything. He spent much of the night picking up stuffed animals.

Your favorite book right now is Sweet Dreams Mimi. When I bought this book I never envisioned it would become your favorite. It is about a little girl monkey whose mommy plants sweet images in her head every night before bed so she has good dreams. You love this book and ask for it repeatedly, "Mimi Mimi". Daddy and I always start with the books we enjoy reading first "Bear Snores On", "Kiss Goodnight", "The Bedtime Book", etc. knowing that you will be clamoring for Mimi soon and that once on Mimi, we will never get to read anything else.

Grandma and grandpa arrive today and I am so curious to see how you do with them. The past few days whenever I have been on the computer you run into the library and scream "gam-ma and cats!" Then you are so disappointed with grandma and the cats aren't on the computer. Grandma holds the cats up to the webcam to say hi. Will you know grandma in person? Will you know grandma without the cats? I sure hope you do. That would be the best Mother's Day present for grandma ever.

A few of your favorite things annoy the crap out of mommy and daddy, but because you love them so, we will replay them, over and over and over. One of those is the about 3 minute clip on the Elmo movie about washing a horse. You really like horses (and mice and fish), but this clip is like your favorite thing on TV. We play it over and over for you. I don't know what will happen when we take the movie back to the rental store on Friday... Daddy swears up and down we will not buy it. On your Baby Einstein videos you like the horse puppet particularly. There is one clip on Numbers Nursery where the horse eats a flower. You laugh and laugh about this as though it is the most hilarious thing ever. Another funny thing is when cookie monster eats things on Sesame Street. Nemo has been put aside for a little while in favor of some of the other movies... thank you. You really enjoy The Jungle Book and mommy is forever thankful to have a copy! (Sarah!) I crack up watching you dance to Bear Necessities and love that you try to sing the King Louie song.

Leif we love you so much and are so proud of the big boy you are growing into.

Book Club Night

Tonight I am hosting the monthly book club. I normally stress about these types of things and try to make everything perfect. I must be feeling quite comfortable around these women as I am not stressing, I am going low-key on the food and I am looking forward to the discussion.

The book I picked was one I read 2 years ago called Bold Spirit: Helga Estby’s Forgotten Walk Across Victorian America. My mom passed it onto me after reading it, and loving it. I read it in an entire weekend, which either tells you how short and what an easy read it was, or gives an indication of how much I loved it. Honestly, it was a blend of both.

The story is about a Norwegian woman who takes a wager to be the first woman to walk across the US. Of course, there are stipulations, like she has to wear a new “progressive” outfit (looks like long bloomers to me), she can only carry $5 on herself at any time, she has to get signatures to prove her progression across the US, etc. What amazes me about this whole story is related to the title, what a bold spirit she had. She left her family (on their farm that was near repossession) and she and her oldest daughter set off walking.

The writing is interesting as the book is actually a Master’s thesis from Washington State University. It is extremely factual, which is, according to many reviews, the downside. There is no conversing, there is a little surmising about her experiences and what she might have seen. There is discussion of what her political beliefs might have been or how she might have felt on topics of interest. The bibliography is extensive and this time around, I read it with a bookmark at the bibliography so that I could flip back and forth. (I ended up ordering two books out of the bibliography.)

Can I say it again? I love this book. I am really anxious to see what my book club thought of it tonight. Also tonight we are sharing our favorite books. I have compiled the list and I am finding it very interesting. Many of us have favorite books in common, while others have very distinctive – out there – tastes. Mine probably verge on that since I am heavily into the adventure stories and explorer biographies.

AB should be picking the last few things of the house together. I had planned to host book club outside, but it is a high of 70F today. I am not sure that is warm enough for a 7-9pm meeting… even with the fire pit going. (Ha, I suppose that should be indication of how different my life is from Helga’s.)

I have the Sangria made and we will be having tortilla chips, salsa and guacamole for snacks. Dessert nachos (baked cinnamon sugar coated flour tortillas topped with fruit and vanilla yogurt) for dessert, obviously.

A grump

That would be me. I am in a funky mood today. I don’t even really know how to explain it, other than to just call myself a grump. I don’t really feel like being here at work.

My travel request for the conference was confirmed and my division director approved my information request for my abstract. He e-mailed me this morning, a really nice note actually; I was surprised as I never get nice notes from him. Every note from him I imagine including a tagline that says “it’s not your imagination, my tone in this e-mail should be interpreted as extreme annoyance because you annoy me that much”. Anyways, he asked what exactly I planned to present and told me he had second thoughts on exposing too much of this particular research because other institutions are jumping on the bandwagon and are not above “stealing” plans/strategies/clients… So in essence, please don’t present our strategy if I can avoid it. All the while I sat there thinking “wow, he said our strategy”. And then wondered to myself what that strategy might be… doh.

We had a nice weekend. Ordered out pizza on Friday night to celebrate AB being done with the semester. (We had planned on getting a sitter and going out to dinner to celebrate – but our priorities have been reshuffled…) Saturday we got up and went to Michaels where I bought Mother’s Day craft supplies for Leif to make surprises for his grandmas (grandma is “baa-ma” - grandpa is “bom-pa” – I love that). We went to PetSmart where Leif reaffirmed his love for all creatures great and small. He insisted on sitting himself on the floor of PetSmart (ick) and giggled and squealed with delight at the rat and guinea pig. Then we watched the birds (“buds”) and looked at the fish. He only stuck his hand in 2 or 3 tanks… oops. (He didn’t catch anything.)

We needed a quick trip to Lowes to get a few “craft” supplies that Michaels didn’t have. Yes, I am sending out the bomb Mother’s Day presents from Leif this year. They are going to be gorgeous – albeit late for my MIL. We left Lowes with “a few” more things than were on the list going in.

At that point it was nearing noon, but AB suggested we push on to the grocery store and therefore finish all weekend errands. I was skeptical, but we did it. The new local grocery store is fabulous. I loved it and the produce was spectacular. We really do get great produce in this area, particularly at the Farmer’s Markets. But for some reason the local Albertsons (that is oh so convenient) seems to miss this mark. We once again bought far more than was on the list.

Once home, Leif napped and AB got a tri-tip on smoking on the BBQ. Mmmm. You just cannot even imagine how wonderful those turn out. After a winter off, AB still has it going on. I ate WAY too much of this deliciousness.

Sunday was a dreary day here, a little rainy, not very warm. We got dressed and walked down to Starbucks. Yes, *every* good Washington state resident does this (or at least that is what it seemed at Starbucks that morning). We made our way back home where we hung out around the house all day. Leif napped, I made pesto, AB read his book. I watched Food Network and was thrilled to see a one hour show on the Reno Rib CookOff. Yet another thing to make me “homesick” for Reno. The backdrop was so familiar… a few local personalities were on the show I remembered. *sigh* We loved the Rib CookOff when we lived there. AB lost his wedding ring at the Rib CookOff a mere 5 months after we were married. (Not such a fond memory from the RCO…)

I am excited to go there in June and was pleased to see that one of our favorite wine producing areas, El Dorado, is having a Solstice event that weekend. Lots of super bold zins produced in small batches. Yum. There is a little voice inside my head reminding me the region is about 2 hours away and we now sport a toddler. Just a little voice… I can shut it off and dream right now about shipping a few cases back.

Ah well. AB picked Leifers (the kids at daycare have renamed him) up and they are enjoying the sunny afternoon in the back yard. Shortly I will be heading out of here and hopefully my mood will improve upon setting foot in my car and directing it towards home… a big glass of wine… a tri-tip sandwich… and another big glass of wine.

Finally a Friday

This week has been long, probably because it has been emotionally draining. I have worked hard on a few projects, which is good. They had been two projects that had fallen on the back burners lately. I was doing the bare minimum to get by each week. Now that I have had one other task cancelled and my hours forced back on another thanks to the client not sending samples, it gave me an opportunity to catch up on these two.

I have been working on getting my travel approved to the conference in June. That has been a bear. I cannot believe the restrictions put on us by my directorate. I have been told by more than a few people that "this is just specific to your directorate, not the others". Well sorry, but here is where I reside. It really is making me insane that I was invited to chair a section of a conference, I will present a poster there, yet I can't be relied upon to charge projects appropriately for my time and travel. One of the main problems is that one of my projects does not allow for travel. At all. As part of our contract with the client - they travel to us. So my PM offered to cover 50% of my time at the conference. Wow! Thanks! Of course it appears that is "illegal", even though the conference is related to this topic, the travel accounting has to reflect the time charged. Give me an f'ing break.

Should it really be so difficult for me to go and bring recognition to my company by chairing a section and presenting research? No, it shouldn't.

One of my friends recently proposed (literally) here that all senior management who implement these rules should be required to sit down one day and see how it impacts our day and our careers. This is one situation where it is just plain ridiculous.

I had a meeting with my mentor today whereby he bashed the whole above situation with me and felt somewhat sorry to have put me in a position by recommending I contact a conference chair, when now, I may have to use vacation time and travel on my own dime... with a husband on unemployment. Oh well, I think it will eventually work itself out.

One thing that made me beam today during my mentor meeting was when he was raving about my proposal. I was very near embarrassed that he went on and on so much about it. He told me that I sold him and he was ready to dole out the cash (despite the fact that he doesn't have cash to dole out). I was really pleased that he liked it so much. Early on in the conversation he even asked me who else helped me write it. When I said no one, he suggested if this job doesn't work out I seek a job in technical writing... he doesn't know how seriously I am considering his words...

------------------------------

AB is home. He was doing some job hunting today, after a walk to the local Starbucks of course. There is one job he is really excited about and we are hoping he can get a referral for. He is feeling pretty sure that he won't be unemployed for long and I hope this is the case.

We don't have much planned for the weekend. Just prepping for house guests next week. I am looking forwart to my mom and stepdad getting here. We have lots planned and I am anxious for Leif to interact with them. We have plenty of wine tasting to do both locally and a trip to Walla Walla for a day of wine tasting and wandering around. AB and my stepdad are golfing at least one day.

Have a super weekend!

Swoosh went the rug

AB is home today. He was layed off yesterday. Swoosh, right out from under us.

In the larger scheme of things we are very lucky. Living on one income is not a significant burden to us. We do have to make changes as we were very used to a double income lifestyle. And of course, a chance to plan for this would have been nice, instead of AB's company INSISTING that everyone's jobs were secure (5 people total were layed off yesterday). And a lot of "extras" that we enjoy in life are going by the wayside. We are getting one more house cleaning out of our cleaner and then letting her go on Friday. *sob* I am cutting Leif's schedule back at school, effective Monday. I will take him at 8:30am as usual, but daddy will pick him up at 3:30pm, which will save money and give AB time with Leif in the afternoons and me an opportunity to work late if need be.

The worst part about this is the very awkward timing. AB is 5 credits from his Masters in Engineering, he will graduate in December. Of course, his training is as an analytical chemist, which he is seriously tired of. And jobs here for chemists are scarce as we have found in the past.
We are still assessing the options and letting this all sink in. It could be good. AB thinks it will serve as a good kick in the pants to get moving in the direction he needs to. I will admit it frightens me. Being the planner I see lots of options on the horizon, some good and some bad and some just plain different. With the recent talk of our back up plan, I fear that if something good doesn't pan out for AB in the next few months the job search will be postponed until near graduation. Which means at that point, the job search will be nationwide, and involve both of us.

Ouch ouch ouch

That would be the sound of me kicking myself. Hard. My favorite stock is up significantly. I started buying it last year this time for about $26-$28 a share. Just “dabbling” a little. I had never had the luxury of extra money to invest in stocks before.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I should have listened to AB when he said, “well if you think it is going to do good, buy some more!” But no. I am a wuss. I was afraid. I have a little money to play with, but not to lose. Living in Reno for 5 years was nearly lost on me. I just am not a gambler.

Closing today at $51 a share. That is nearly 100% return on my investment.

The other day when it was in the high $40’s, AB couldn’t resist in saying “I told you so”. He held off for this long. And he did tell me so.

Yay, 100% return. Damn, I didn’t invest more.

A very productive weekend

Saturday was the last swimming lesson, Leif and I enjoyed that. I am frighteningly shocked at the kid's lack of fear. After the lesson, as usual, we hung out in the pool. A few times Leif was just going to head off swimming without me if my grip weren't so good. He found a kick board abandoned by another child on the side of the pool. He then decided he wanted to jump into the pool with the kickboard. I didn't realize his intentions until he was actually jumping. Kickboard hit me on the head, but no harm done. But he did strike panic into my heart there for a second (I am sure it will not be the last time).

I am still amazed with how much I managed to accomplish this weekend. Sunday Leif and I went to Target to get all the things I forgot about the weekend before. While there Leif found a perfect plastic "shobel" and pail. He showed everyone we walked past his new shobel.

We went to Lowes where I unenthusiastically picked through their plants. No veggie plants for some reason, so I picked out the two rose bushes I wanted ($16.99 and $19.99) and some flowers for my pots. After finding out the roses I picked out were not actually the prices they were advertised and that the roses that were *that* price were all sold out... I bought them anyways for twice the price because my patch was tilled and I didn't want to haul Leif around searching for roses. We went home for Leif's nap where for two days in a row, I put him down for a nap without driving him around. It is possible. I must overcome the laziness. I can't let my family visiting this month think I am a slacker.

With Leif asleep, AB studying, I ran to Home Depot where I picked up veggie plants and new work gloves for me. When I got home AB whined that I didn't get him new work gloves, but took a break from studying and proceeded to help me lay down my garden fabric anyway. While Leif slept I planted the two rose bushes, and most of the veggies. I also put up a small fence around the vegetable garden to keep Leif from plucking my unsuspecting plants from their warm homes. (I know my son far too well.)

Leif got up and after a snack was excited to "howp mommy shobel". He was so much help! (Said with my tongue only halfway in my cheek.) He was super at carrying the flower pots to the porch for planting and really, really good at watering. We planted strawberries in a small patch, planted our greens (spinach, cress and swiss chard) and two pots of flowers for the front porch.

Now if we could just cure whatever ails our backyard grass. We have a large patch (15x10 feet) that just dies. Every freaking year. It gets plenty of water, the ground is moist, but the grass just dies. So AB slaves over it and by the end of the year it looks as good as the rest of the yard. Just in time to go dormant until the struggle next year.

I think this year will be much easier to care for my gardens. Leif loves being "owside" and is a little more independent with his play. I still want to be outside watching him and this will give me the time I need to weed. And watering? Something I so don't need to do. Leif is obsessed with the hose. (Aren't all boys?)

Unveiling

Two RL friends and I are co-authoring a blog called "Confessions of a Former Foodie".

What we have in common, despite our different cooking styles and philosophies, is the need to put a good (both from a taste perspective and nutritious) meal on the table in a short amount of time. I asked rockergirrl and Soil Micro Mom to contribute to this blog with me first of all so you don't bore of me and my style, but also because they care about the food they put on their tables.

Anyways, stop by and see what we cook. If you have anything to contribute, please do!

In just three days...

The other day I swear Leif was walking under the edge of the BBQ, the shelf with all the ultra-dangerous BBQ tools. (AB is sitting here swearing there is nothing sharp up there... ) The other day he went walking by it and was nearly 2" taller than the shelf. Seriously.

Standing next to me, I notice the difference too. His head is nearly to my hip. It is no longer a stretch to reach up and hold my hand. And those legs... maybe it is his wearing shorts for a few days, but his legs belong to a little kid (bruises and scrapes and all), not a baby.

Not only are there changes in his appearance, but this weekend has shown some maturity in his personality too. Another thing I swear was overnight.

Today Leif accompanied me to the video store where he walked through the entire Z to A (for some reason I start at the end... less people, more available movies). He held my hand and carried a movie for me. We went to the kids section as reward and his first pick (I haven't told AB this yet) was Pinky Pony's Christmas (or something in the like by My Little Pony). I know it is because in addition to a fish fascination, and a mouse fascination, he also has a horse fascination. Maybe I should just call them animal fascinations?

After I convinced him to put back the My Little Pony DVD in exchange for something about a dog... yes, I know, I have probably just scarred my son and he will talk about his mother repressing his inner My Little Pony desire and forcing gender roles from a young age. So shoot me. We were walking down the aisle and Leif then came upon Elmo. The other video was quickly abandoned for Elmo.

Ok, here's what I don't get. Our local Blockbuster has gone to covers that illustrate each movie instead of the generic "Blockbuster" label on each case behind a single illustrated cover. The stupidest move on Blockbuster's part is to NOT have done this with the children's movies.

In my hand, I have the generically labeled Blockbuster Elmo DVD. In Leif's hands he has the Elmo illustrated cover sans DVD. I try to take it from him, showing him there is no movie inside. "ELMO!" Leif cries. Looking at the long line we had to stand through, I let him carry it up to the check out and figured that they can deal with putting the cover back. Otherwise it will be one screaming child in line.

We clear the line and I convince Leif to hand the Elmo cover to the confused check out girl. When she doesn't return it Leif starts crying and screaming, "ELMO, ELMO!". Everyone in line behind us starts giggling and snickering. Leif shoots a horrible glare at the poor girl on our way out while I did my best to convince him that even though it didn't look like it that mommy did have Elmo movie in her purse.

After the video store we did a full shopping trip and Leif was so well behaved. He even stood next to me at the check out. I praised him and praised him while the young bagger raved about how she couldn't believe how big he has gotten, couldn't believe he is turning 2 this summer and tells me she remembers when I was pregnant with him. She ends by telling me she feels so old now. Oh give me a break, you're what? 19? I smile and tell her, "you have no idea". Which made the crotchety (but highly efficient) checker who I love snicker to herself.

I think we have finally turned a corner. My spazzo, run wild child, has mellowed a little. I can hope this isn't just a phase and that he might actually be to a point where we can start venturing out into the public a little more often without my worrying about complete meltdowns and strangers staring at me like I am the worst mother alive that just allows her child to run amuck. (All the while I am more just mortified. Still sorry about the whole ketchup incident last weekend at Red Robin...)

Oh and did I mention that he slept in until 7:10am this morning with only one middle of the night wake up? Of course all week long it was up at 5:45am... but I will take this one with a big smile. Now I am just left contemplating if all week it was growing pains that were waking him up 3 times a night and early in the morning.

TGIF!

I so deserve the upcoming weekend. Going back to work today was a good thing, Leif is looking better and I got caught up on a lot. Still lots more to do on Monday and then here’s hoping that I stay busy next week. Scrambling for work on Tuesday will not be pleasant. But I am ready for a weekend.

I got my big proposal off to my product line manager. I am not sure what to expect now. It is just the technical proposal. No talk of funds or anything. I hate, hate, hate trying to figure out how much it will cost me to do work. I put that off as long as humanly possible.

My Co-PI is my former “team lead” and now fellow group member. He is a super guy, a few levels my senior. I have worked with him on a different project that he handed off to me completely. I have obviously proven myself as capable to him and he was “honored” to be my Co-PI on this proposal. What is KILLING me though is that he has had very little to say on this proposal. On formal reports he is king of the red pen. (Which I truly appreciate.) But on this proposal his editing was limited to a quick review last night where he changed a few words around. He did make a suggestion that I delve more into the proposed chemistry, which gave me a chance… ok three chances, to cite myself. And it really brought the proposal full circle.

So in typical analytical style I am trying my best to read into his lack of comments, other than “looks good”.

1. He thinks it is a goofy, off the wall idea and just doesn’t even know what to make of it. If he ignores it, it will go away.
2. He is great friends with my mentor and they could be playing a “just step back and let her do it herself” thing.
3. Or it just really is a great idea and proposal that needs very little added. (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Ok, in all honesty, I think it is #2. He is a great guy and I think he sees the importance to me doing it all myself. Or he just thinks it is stupid idea…

AB is thrilled with the concept (read: the potential for IP) and my excitement for it. He thinks it is nice too that I have been paid to develop the proposal (a rarity here), because in the end, if we don’t stay here it would be nice to have at least one proposal in hand say if, oh I don’t know, if I decided to try for an academic position or something crazy like that.

When I graduated I had zero ideas for proposals. The one thing that working here has REALLY given me is a window to real world problems, what needs work in various industries but no one is apparently tackling. I have a stack of nearly 30 proposals (mostly 1-2 page concept papers) now that I have thrown out to various funding agencies. Sure they take further developing to turn into a real proposal. But the ideas are there, where they weren’t four years ago.

We have a lot of yard work planned for the weekend. I need to get the back yard in shape. I am hosting a book club meeting on May 9^th and am hoping we can sit outside. That way AB and Leif can have the run of the house without interrupting. I am going with a Mexican theme, sangria, chips and salsa and guacamole, and some (non-flan) Mexican dessert. Ideas? Let me know.

I also have a ton of stuff to haul to Goodwill in preparation for my mom and stepdad arriving on the 10^th. I got the guest room looking amazingly nice yesterday. Nicer than it has looked since we moved in.

Aside from that? A trip to the mall to return clothes that I bought while I had Leif in tow – therefore stayed out of the changing room – and of course NONE of them fit. A trip to Target and to the grocery store.

Everyone have a super weekend!

My stint as a SAHM

Ok, so maybe just over a day and a half doesn't really qualify. We still aren't sure if what Leif has are chicken pox. But he is home another day just to be sure. He still has one actual pock looking thing on his thigh, yesterday it kind of blistered, today the blister is gone and it is red. The spots on the back of his neck are mostly gone. No more red, but almost like itty bitty scabs where the spots were. Then there was the mild fever and chest congestion (now gone).

My assessment is that it was/is a very mild case of chicken pox thanks to the vaccine kicking in and not making it any worse. Two other children in his class are out with chicken pox, one who was immunized. I spoke with his teacher today and she agreed that if nothing pops up today he can come back tomorrow. I have mixed feelings about that since we are really having a great day today.

It is 78F, sunny, no winds. Plain gorgeous day. Leif is feeling quite well and so we took the dog for a walk. Then we came back and sanded some boards from an IKEA kit to paint this afternoon and put together for a shelf/table in the utility room. Leif was so happy to "howp mommy". We watched Sesame Street - and his interest there is growing. When Elmo comes on though it is still all about the fish.

Leif had lunch and then here's where I am a sucky SAHM. I plopped him in the car for a quick drive around the neighborhood to fall asleep. Naps are a huge struggle in this house. Bedtime not amazingly. I wasn't feeling like the struggle (as usual) and so we went for a drive. Got back and would you believe he needed a diaper change before going into the crib? Figures.

Sometimes I shock even myself though, I was able to change a very poopy diaper without waking Leif out of his slumber. Now I expect a full 2.5 hours to do stuff around the house. First on the agenda is to work on the guest room. Take the old computer down now that I have transferred files off of it. Pull out all the stuff to go to Goodwill and put it in my car - or in the garage on AB's side so that he understands the importance of getting it there. And then rearranging the room a little.

My mom and stepdad arrive in just under 2 weeks and I want the guest room looking nice. I bought a new comforter and cover from IKEA for that room and am anxious to get it looking nice.

Work? Not even thinking about it today! (Oh except to e-mail my group's admins "thank you for everything you do and sorry I didn't acknowledge your contribution yesterday" notes.)

Home for a day, maybe more?

I was in teleconference this morning when daycare called my office. They immediately called AB next, instead of my cell, which is fine. Chicken pox.

The kids in the class were all exposed on 4-19. I thought nothing of it since Leif had the vaccine. Didn't even think anything about it this morning when I was dropping him off and noted the red bumps on his neck. Sure enough, about an hour later someone else noticed the red bumps...

If it weren't that my baby is going to be uncomfortable for the next however many days, I would be thrilled to be home. I have been less than thrilled lately with work - mostly thanks to Monday when one of my tasks was cut. 30% of my time... gone. This year I have made a distinct effort not to overcommit myself. I get too busy and not everything gets done - learned my lesson there. So I commit myself just right and I get this shot at me. Not thrilled. In fact, quite irked. (The downside of being in charge of your own destiny in a big company.)

My good PM offered me a little cushion, as much as he could, and more than he ever had to considering the task that was cut was NOT from his project. He is in another group, another directorate completely. This is so something he does NOT have to do. But he did. He gave me a small task to tackle and some PDM for some other research. He also confirmed that I had a solid concept for an IR&D proposal this summer - because if I do, the money is mine pending committee approval.

Leif fell asleep on the way home - 1.5 hours before naptime. But he is down for the count. Hopefully this doesn't screw up his nighttime sleep. Now to the multitude of things that I can do while he sleeps! (Of course, first and foremost on my list should be working on my proposal that is due Friday (nearly 75% done I think).

Oh and a good thought for C that she doesn't come down with this since she played with Leif last weekend. She and V are hopping on a plane home tomorrow.

A cute Leifism

This morning AB was in the shower and I was finishing up getting ready, Leif was waching Teletubbies. He came into the bathroom telling me "help", which sounds more like "howp". It is his new thing to ask for help on everything, which I think is more just to get attention since he suddenly needs help with everything he used to do by himself.

He took my hand and we walked through the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen and to the dining room. There he pointed to Winny standing at the door outside, ready to come in, and said, "howp Winwe".

Awww...

Moving the Columbia

We all know that we are growing older, we all know that someday it will be difficult to care for ourselves. I know that this fact has got to be very difficult to accept for the elderly. I still feel as though I am in my early 20’s – at the oldest – most of the time. Yet when asked my age and I have to think about it and my response is “umm, 34” I wonder how that happened. Before I know it I will be my grandmother’s age, 82 and wondering how that happened.

My grandmother and I have always been very close. She is coming to visit at the end of May and we will be going to her reunion from nursing school in Spokane while she is here. She grew up in a small Swedish farming community in North Dakota. She had 2 older brothers (Dale and Bud) and three younger siblings (Naomi, Charles and Bonnie) and she was related to half the town. When she graduated from high school, she taught grade school until leaving for training to become a cadet nurse with hopes of serving her country in the war. About 60 years ago she graduated, wondering if she would be shipped overseas to serve her country. The war ended, she never left the US. Instead she went to work in a hospital in Seattle (I think) where she met my grandfather. He was 15 years her elder, a widower with two nearly grown boys, and made a living as an ambulance driver. He relieved the elevator operator during lunch in the hospital and my grandmother would go and ride the elevator up and down. (My grandmother flirting??) They eventually married and made a home in Casper, Wyoming where my grandmother was a nurse for 45 years and my grandfather was a barber.

My grandfather died when I was 13 after about 10 years battle with heart disease and diabetes. I don’t want to say that they didn’t have a happy marriage; I don’t know that they didn’t. But it was volatile. They had four children; my mom was the third born and only girl. By the time I came along my grandfather didn’t drink anymore and life was quiet. I knew the rules from an early age and never pushed them… “no talking during the news, when you play Yahtzee you don’t shake the dice loudly (my grandmother always bucked this rule and finally someone gave her a padded cup to shake her dice to “keep the peace”), nobody moves Pa’s cigarettes and you better not hide the matches”. Still I loved going to their house and the experiences there enriched my life.

My grandmother still lives in the same house they bought upon relocating to Casper. She is 82 and not only is her health changing, but she has a hard time caring for her house. She will not admit this to anyone, yet when you visit the dirt and grime is obvious. Admitting that she should no longer be living by herself is something she will never do and when it is mentioned, her resolve to never move kicks in. She still enjoys life, she relishes family, she denies loneliness and busies herself with walking, volunteering at the hospital and going to the senior center. She swears up and down she isn’t bored so many times that one has to start wondering if she is working to convince herself she isn’t bored.

It is true that life comes full circle. I see my grandmother not as the small, strong, bull headed Swedish nurse that plowed over anyone – like a bull in a china shop – but as a frail, confused elderly, child-like woman who is frightened by the slightest change.

Her time in her house is nearing an end I fear. Her ability to care for herself is waning. Last week she was taken to the ER after calling 911. She was dizzy, disoriented and unable to stand. The paramedics found her on the floor of her house, sitting in her own waste.

She is “fine” now. She is home again, alone, more embarrassed by the previous week’s episode than frightened by it, unfortunately. She commented to me that it probably served as one more nail in her coffin that Mike (the second oldest) will insist she move to a home. Last fall they went and looked at options for senior housing with her. My mom and stepdad have been up helping her “clean out” her house. But her resistance is incredible. Her youngest son bolsters her confidence that she is “just fine” and “doesn’t need to go anywhere”. Yet he is absent when she is ill, or needs salt put in her water purifier, or needs her pump turned on for the summer. Mike and his wife are leaving Casper in June and retiring to Alaska. This is going to be a hard, hard reality for my grandmother. Right now for her, the next 6 weeks is eons away. But two days after she returns home from my house, they will depart.

They have provided the vast majority of her care for the last 15 years. When my grandmother had back surgery nearly 5 years ago it was my aunt Laurie (a true saint) who went over and buckled her into her brace daily and then took it off so she could be up and down. Now that they are leaving, it will be like dropping a bombshell on my grandmother. Suddenly, the only one left to help her is her youngest (and oh so reliable, drug addicted) son.

Mike and Laurie are done. They have talked to her over and over about the merits of an assisted living apartment. Their goal last year was to have her in one by this spring, before they leave. My mom pushes her as well… but there is that wonderful mother-daughter dynamic at play there. My grandma views it as revenge.

During her visit with me, I am to take up the cause while I have her undivided attention for 8 days. Lucky for me there is an assisted living apartment building on the walking trail less than a block from my house. We will be walking by there daily so she can see the residents out with their dogs, sitting on the patios chatting and interacting. I know that she sees in her head, despite the fact she has seen the senior apartments, a small hospital type room where the residents spend all day in bed waiting to die… a nursing home. That isn’t the option we are talking about. But convincing her to give up her house is going to be like moving the mighty Columbia.

But like the child she has become, the best course may not be “convincing”, it may just involve taking the initiative and telling her what she will do.

First the apartment… then we will tackle the car and her driving.

The first haircut!

It nearly killed me and I forced back the tears as my baby was transformed into a little boy with a few snips of the scissors. We took him to a salon for kids, knowing that we would either have spaz child on our hands who would not calm down. Or one very sad child. It was the later.

This might be cool... I can sit in a car!

Nevermind, not cool. Nor are scissors neat anymore.

Sitting on Daddy's lap helped some.

The end result! A little boy.

Crystal ball? Anyone?

As this semester comes to a close AB and I, as usual, turn our discussions to the future. Not our future as a couple, we are happier than ever. Our future here, my future at the lab, AB's future as an engineer. We are one more step closer to needing to make some hard decisions. AB could be finished with his Masters in December and at that point (probably before) will be seeking a job in the field he just spent thousands of dollars plus time away from Leif and me learning.

When I interviewed here for my job nearly 4.5 years ago everyone raved, "Your husband is a chemist? He will have NO problem finding a job here, this is a lab!" My future TGM told me about a wonderful "trailing spouse program" that the lab has to assist spouses in finding a job. They don't GIVE your spouse a job, but they make introductions and provide interviews. Perfect, I thought! AB always aces interviews.

It is 4 years (nearly to the date) since I started and AB has never had an introduction or an interview. At first he worked diligently with the program following their recommendations to a tee. But when calls weren't returned and e-mails went unanswered, the skeptic took over. He was finally told that the program is really aimed more at "women following their husbands who can fill admin type positions". He gave up. I later had a manager who told HR to take 2 days to help my husband find a job, he gave them money to do so out of his overhead budget. They didn't take it.

Now here we are. AB has an alright job. He loves the people he works with, but the position pushing paper, being a desk chemist reviewing data reports is not a career that he wants.

How long can I reasonably keep saying "you'll eventually find something here at the lab honey, just keep looking”? We both know it is probably not true. I have knocked on doors, I have talked to people I know (most recently my good PM, who I know would help if he could, but his projects lack the money).

I have a super job, with great benefits and reasonable pay. I am in a position where I can forge my own path, be in charge of my own destiny, yet with all the advantages of working for a large organization. People I went to school with would fall over backwards if they knew that I sit here with the very valid thought of giving it up next July. At this point, I cannot give it up before I vest in June of 2007. There is far too much at stake. But it shocks me how quickly I know that date will approach.

This weekend we identified “the back up plan”. For awhile AB’s back up plan was that if he got his Masters, but didn’t find a job, to forge ahead with the Ph.D. After this semester in particular, nothing could make him more sick to his stomach. I am a school person, I loved spending 5 years in grad school full time. AB? Notsomuch. Another 3-4 years minimum after graduation, in school, working towards an elusive position that may never pan out? He can’t do that and I would never ask him to.

Of course in order for me to give up my career path here, AB would have to actually have a job elsewhere. Preliminary job searches have returned surprisingly countless options for him outside of this area. While the primary job search will be this area, we have identified other choices. Some rank higher than others and some excite us more than others.

I do like my job a lot, we like the area OK, and we adore our friends. When I think of what it is that will make me cry leaving here, it is the friendships we have forged. But we would have to rely on the fact that these friendships would weather time and distance.

There are days that the thought of giving up my position makes me nauseous, i.e., “but today I love my job”. Then there are others that make me want to jump ship tomorrow. Most are “in between”. Little things start to get to me and I start asking questions like, “If I am so valued by my organization, why is there no assistance to help my husband find a position?” Can you tell I am having a day on the lower end of the spectrum? I won’t dwell on it.

There is that one part of me that wonders what is around the corner. All our lives we have "traded up". From my crappy job in a doctor's office to grad school to a permanent lab job. Things keep getting better. Will they continue on that course? Or will our luck run out and I will kick myself for giving up my job?

AB’s first priority is to find a job in this region. But if it doesn’t pan out, we have a back up plan, one that excites us and that is priceless right now.

My house was built on a sacred robin burial ground

Well that's the only thing I can figure out.

Two years ago over Easter, robin(s) started going psycho around my house. I remember it was Easter because my MIL was here. (She can vouch for every word of this.) One or more robins, started charging our windows. Repeatedly. This isn't just "a bird flew into my window today". No, one bird flying into the window 50 times in an hour, for a few hours a day, for months at a time is more like it.

The windows would alternate, north side of the house, the big picture frame windows were the most common targets. But the small east side of the house, decorative windows were too. It was loud, obnoxious and very messy, because apparently everytime the robin would hit the house, it would crap all over the brick below the window as well. I don't know when the dang bird found time to eat since it was flying into our window the entire time. But it did.

Amazingly the bird (or birds) never knocked themselves out. It never starved to death. And it never realized that it was not, under any circumstance, coming in our house.

Did I mention I loathe birds? Up in the sky, flying, far from me? Fine. In a house, in a cage, or near me? Hate them. I was chased by a hummingbird as a little girl. I was watching the hummingbirds at my grandparents house and I had on my flowered sundress. My grandpa told me to go outside and get a better look, so out I went. The hummingbird evidently thought I looked tastey and chased me. I was horribly traumatized and finally got inside to my grandfather rolling on the floor (nearly) laughing. My grandpa didn't laugh, pretty much ever. So this being one of the few times I ever remember him laughing seems especially ironic considering it was also when, I believe, my fear of birds started. It continued later on when we had birds fly down our chimney and into our house. (Oh no, it wasn't *me* that opened the door to the fireplace to see what was making all the racket...) And then there were the evil kids who I babysat that let their parakeet out of the cage and would fly at my head. Evil.

So robins and windows and my house... 2 years ago we did everything. We bought plastic owls and put them near the windows. We hung up flashing, aluminum foil on each window. Finally, in desparation my MIL took duct tape and taped black plastic over the windows. That worked. My neighbors thought we were completely psycho, but it worked. AB about this time also decided to pre-empt the whole "those psycho neighbors next door don't want anyone seeing in their house" went to our neighbors and asked if they were having problems with robins as well. They weren't, but he then explained what was going on. Now, whether or not they believe us is open for interpretation...

Last year I think we had a few incidences, each one set us on edge... "was this the start?" But it never really did materialize.

However, this year, with Easter came the robins. AB told me that he has heard and seen a few banging. Yesterday I got Leif in the car to come to work, buckled him in, ran in to double check my curling iron, make sure it is off. (OCD jokes? Anyone?) I came back out, Leif was whimpering for some unknown reason, went to get in the car and I'll be damned if I didn't get the crap scared out of me when a robin flew into the garage window. Leif screams, I curse under my breath. And we squeal out of the garage.

I fully expect my son now has a fear of birds as well.

This morning when I was getting ready, directly behind my bathroom mirror (so I could see the whole thing), a robin propelling itself into the window over my tub. Count them... 12 times while I blew my hair dry. My house is apparently Mecca for robins. Those who can get in the house will be saved?!

AB's Father's Day present? A BB gun.