Crystal ball? Anyone?

As this semester comes to a close AB and I, as usual, turn our discussions to the future. Not our future as a couple, we are happier than ever. Our future here, my future at the lab, AB's future as an engineer. We are one more step closer to needing to make some hard decisions. AB could be finished with his Masters in December and at that point (probably before) will be seeking a job in the field he just spent thousands of dollars plus time away from Leif and me learning.

When I interviewed here for my job nearly 4.5 years ago everyone raved, "Your husband is a chemist? He will have NO problem finding a job here, this is a lab!" My future TGM told me about a wonderful "trailing spouse program" that the lab has to assist spouses in finding a job. They don't GIVE your spouse a job, but they make introductions and provide interviews. Perfect, I thought! AB always aces interviews.

It is 4 years (nearly to the date) since I started and AB has never had an introduction or an interview. At first he worked diligently with the program following their recommendations to a tee. But when calls weren't returned and e-mails went unanswered, the skeptic took over. He was finally told that the program is really aimed more at "women following their husbands who can fill admin type positions". He gave up. I later had a manager who told HR to take 2 days to help my husband find a job, he gave them money to do so out of his overhead budget. They didn't take it.

Now here we are. AB has an alright job. He loves the people he works with, but the position pushing paper, being a desk chemist reviewing data reports is not a career that he wants.

How long can I reasonably keep saying "you'll eventually find something here at the lab honey, just keep looking”? We both know it is probably not true. I have knocked on doors, I have talked to people I know (most recently my good PM, who I know would help if he could, but his projects lack the money).

I have a super job, with great benefits and reasonable pay. I am in a position where I can forge my own path, be in charge of my own destiny, yet with all the advantages of working for a large organization. People I went to school with would fall over backwards if they knew that I sit here with the very valid thought of giving it up next July. At this point, I cannot give it up before I vest in June of 2007. There is far too much at stake. But it shocks me how quickly I know that date will approach.

This weekend we identified “the back up plan”. For awhile AB’s back up plan was that if he got his Masters, but didn’t find a job, to forge ahead with the Ph.D. After this semester in particular, nothing could make him more sick to his stomach. I am a school person, I loved spending 5 years in grad school full time. AB? Notsomuch. Another 3-4 years minimum after graduation, in school, working towards an elusive position that may never pan out? He can’t do that and I would never ask him to.

Of course in order for me to give up my career path here, AB would have to actually have a job elsewhere. Preliminary job searches have returned surprisingly countless options for him outside of this area. While the primary job search will be this area, we have identified other choices. Some rank higher than others and some excite us more than others.

I do like my job a lot, we like the area OK, and we adore our friends. When I think of what it is that will make me cry leaving here, it is the friendships we have forged. But we would have to rely on the fact that these friendships would weather time and distance.

There are days that the thought of giving up my position makes me nauseous, i.e., “but today I love my job”. Then there are others that make me want to jump ship tomorrow. Most are “in between”. Little things start to get to me and I start asking questions like, “If I am so valued by my organization, why is there no assistance to help my husband find a position?” Can you tell I am having a day on the lower end of the spectrum? I won’t dwell on it.

There is that one part of me that wonders what is around the corner. All our lives we have "traded up". From my crappy job in a doctor's office to grad school to a permanent lab job. Things keep getting better. Will they continue on that course? Or will our luck run out and I will kick myself for giving up my job?

AB’s first priority is to find a job in this region. But if it doesn’t pan out, we have a back up plan, one that excites us and that is priceless right now.