Just rambling...

You know that website Pinterest - serious suck me in waste my time thing. I try to limit my pins to things I may actually use someday, though I do like strolling through other people's quotes and styles boards. Quotes don't usually speak volumes to me. Some are cute, but in 60 seconds I have generally moved on and forgotten them and I don't need yet another thing to follow. But I have some good online friends who collect quotes and I like strolling through them.

The other day someone posted one that has stuck hard with me.

I seem to keep coming back to this in my head. It seems like in the last five years I have had a lot of this... events that have changed me. I wonder if in some weird alternate universe where you don't know my face, if some unsuspecting person met me five years ago and then again today, if they would see the same thing? I don't think so.

Of course there are the obvious ones that many of us go through - marriage, becoming a parent, etc. But there are others, small things that change you in surprisingly profound ways.

The first one that pops to my mind isn't a small one, but has probably provided the largest source of change in my life over the past 5 years, has been the process of my mom dying at a young age from cancer. How can that not change you? And in the larger scheme of things it is the way it is supposed to work, children are supposed to lose their parents first and not vice versa. (I can't even imagine the reverse.) But watching someone grapple with a diagnosis, then over time see the options deteriorate and then finally losing someone at a relatively young age. It's hard.

How has this changed my life? (How has it not... I am sure you agree.) It has affected the way I view objects. Lifetimes of stuff that have deep meaning to really only one person - yourself. It has affected the way I view life - let's get the stuff done in life we want to do! I want to vacation. I want to quit putting off things and experiences we want. (We bought a trailer last spring to camp around the Northwest and eventually beyond.) It has affected the way I see our healthcare system - even though my mom had excellent insurance she still struggled to get things paid for daily, why when someone is living their last few months, should they have to struggle with this? It has affected the way I see time spent with my kids. It has affected my view of my job - I love my job, but really in the larger scheme of things, how important is being right here? It's not. Obviously we all need money and I am reasonably employable I believe elsewhere. Why not seek other experiences?

I have a very successful coworker who recently told me very matter of factly that his family doesn't have long lifespans and so he plans to retire in 3-4 years. I have rolled this over in my head. There are no guarantees, but if the odds are not "ever in your favor"? What would you do?

Which brings me to my job... nope, I am not looking to jump ship anytime soon. I am lucky, I really like my job. But in the last 5 years as I have waffled between science and management, I have experienced things that have changed my perspective of what I do for a living. One of them is a direct link from above - I don't necessarily want to spend my entire life toiling away in a lab. In order to broaden my employability and keep my options open for life in another place, I have embraced management.

Take that a step further... I have been changed by working in management. I have learned that I can manage someone, but only to a certain degree, I can't control them, I can try to guide them, but in the end, and there will come an end, a person is going to do what he is going to do (be a dumbass) and it is his career, not mine. I first tried to embrace this as a grad student - taking control of my career and not letting things happen, but making things happen. Then again as a post-doc. I have mastered this now - I make things happen and don't wait for things to happen to me. I can't afford to jump on bandwagons. I have to stand up for myself and not be trounced on. I also have to trust that management isn't always blind. I have to trust those who are there to back me up as their job, but I can't rely on them.

This has - to a certain degree - hardened me as a person in my day to day interactions (but not as a mom). I have been forced to remain stoic while being criticized, crying only in the privacy of my home. A coworker recently told me he was surprised at how thick my skin was and had expected the opposite of me. I am not easily swayed, I view it all as "just business". When it comes to delivering bad news, I am not the one that shies away anymore.

Which brings me to my last one. I have, in the past, had a sort of lone wolf mentality at work. This was brought on early in my career when I was hired on permanently from being a post-doc and promptly told to move on by the project I was working on as they felt they could no longer afford me. Over the past few years I have built relationships at work with people I can trust, I can confide in, and who will back me up. After years of doing my own thing, this is a nice change of pace and I am not letting those people go and instead, I am working to expand this network.

So back to the personal side... AB and I have for nearly our entire courtship, lived far away from family. This has changed who I am. I don't rely on a lot of people usually. Having kids has forced me to rely on others, but I am not always comfortable with that. We have an excellent support network among our friends, but we don't have the grandparents or the big family dinners and as much as I dislike saying it, my kids have to be reminded who their families are. As the kids get older they are starting to remember people though. We, for the most part, are very used to it just being us. This has been a challenge over the past couple years as we have had a family member move near us. This has changed me in ways I won't delve into here. It has changed me in that I have someone to help out and I just have to let go and accept help from someone I know loves the kids with all her heart.
Now that you have listened to me ramble - what changes define you?

Being a Northerner

That's me. I admit it. I have never really been to the South. Well I have been to Florida, but whenever I cite that destination as "having been to the South" I am told, "that isn't really the South".

Now I have really been to the South.

The South is somewhat like a different country to me. Yes, I lived in Wyoming for the first 12 years of my life - and I really am not casting stones from my own glass house because I know that Wyoming is often viewed as the "hicksville" of the north - just some observations and some humor that I have observed over the past few days in my travels to Eastern Tennessee

So Southerners - they talk funny. They make lots of words have a feminine gender by ending them in "a". At the program review they give us all a safety briefing prior to starting the conference. It took me a minute to realize that "far" was "fire" and I thought it was pretty cool that they offered the feminine gender to "tornado" by making it "tornada" - afterall the wrath of a tornado should really be associated with the feminine identity as hurricanes are.

Whenever I travel I try to get a flavor of the local culture. When in DC, I head to a new museum. In Florida, to the beach or a park.

So as to not disappoint my husband I looked on Yelp for the "best" reviewed BBQ restaurant. I got into my car and started following the map. And following the map. And suddenly I was in the forest where men were driving makes of cars I haven't seen in decades with no shirts on and no seatbelts. That's not very safe.

I came to the well reviewed restaurant... errr shed, I mean. I was a bit nervous, but saw that they had four smokers, a stack of hickory and the two 5 star Yelp reviews couldn't be wrong, could they?

Then I remembered I am a single woman, very obviously not from this area and when I saw the Closed sign I was suddenly a bit relieved and got back in the car and drove to the obviously chain BBQ restuarant just down the street from my hotel.

Tennessee is known for being friendly. So when I was standing in line and the woman next to me said, "hello there", I politely replied, "hello". She stood there smiling at me and I smiled back.

"Howr yer kiddies?" she asked me.

A little perplexed and wondering if this is Southern hospitality I replied, "they are fine" and went back to reading email on my iPhone and it dawned on me that she maybe wasn't just being friendly, that she probably thought I was someone else.

I got my food, noting to myself NOT to ask for tea after the fiasco of the conference lunch when they served me some weird brown combination of Kool-Aid and Iced Tea, and sat down. A family across from me sat eating and I was humored to note that the toddler? He had a wife beater! I didn't know they made wife beaters in size 3!?

I thought about snapping a picture of him on my phone and then thought better of it, not only as a parent and knowing I wouldn't want a stranger snapping a photo of my kids, but also a bit of fear in my head as his daddy was also wearing a wife beater and I was strangely suspecting that it was his uniform.

I did grin to myself when the boy complained about his "breeches".

My first morning there I was too lazy to find out where the nearest coffee shop was and just headed to the hotel restaurant and ordered oatmeal.

"Ye wan oat meal?" my waitress asked.

"Yes, one bowl of oatmeal," I said.

"We have da buffet with all yall can eat for $10.99?" she reminded me.

"Just the $3.50 oatmeal please," I said.

"Ok, I will see to dat," she said.

Seriously how long does it take to make oatmeal? I was getting little nervous about the time when she finally brought my bowl, well actually a large vat, of oatmeal with a side of maple syrup. I politely requested brown sugar and milk and quickly ate about 1/8 of my vat of cold oatmeal. I was determined to find a coffee shop the next day.

That however, is easier said than done. I got the heads up from other conference attendees that there is one Starbucks in the region and some vague directions on how to get there. Thank goodness for Smart Phones.

I was in the program review with about 15 of my colleagues from work and they all had stories to share too.

One of my expressive colleagues was looking forward to an evening at Walmart. Her plans were to sit there with her phone and snap pictures to post to "People of Walmart". She told me that last year she saw a woman actually take off her flip flop and start smacking her son.

I have a vegetarian colleague. Umm yeah. South and vegetarian do not mix. Poor girl. For every lunch they kindly brought her a big salad - even on the day when they made baked potatoes (and BBQ - but I was thrilled for the baked "tater") for us. When traveling I usually make a bit of effort to eat pescavegetarian because I have a sensitive stomach when traveling and my children and husband demand meat (fish/chicken/beef/pork) at most meals despite my efforts to push the mostly fish and vegetable diet on them. I didn't even try here. Anyways, my colleague told me she went to a restaurant for dinner and under "Vegetables" on the menu it listed "macaroni and cheese".

I have noted the prevalance of a number of chains that I haven't frequented, but have only heard about - Waffle Houses every few miles (or less - somewhat like the prevelance of Starbucks in my current home state), Cracker Barrels, Chik-Fil-A... I kind of wished I had a bit extra time to walk in and see what all the hoot was about. But that's ok.

Oh and golly. I am not sure I have heard the use of the word "golly" outside of old reruns of the Andy Griffith Show. But golly, they use it a lot here!

One of my good friends from work (and one of the smartest women I know) is from Alabama and so I do hear the Southern drawl on occasion, and another set of parents of one of my daughter's best friends is from Chattanooga, and their accent is perceptable. Even the program manager I know well who is from this area (and therefore knew the best pizza place for dinner last night) maintains a bit of a drawl and he is one of the smartest guys I know. But I realize how much they have lost their accents over years as I work to decipher what people were asking me or saying to me. I felt like they were looking at me like I must be the stupidest person around to not know what they were talking about. Nope, my ears just aren't accustomed to the foreign language.

It's been fun, but I am ready to wish a fond farewell to the area and get back up North.

Leif and Skadi's Spring Break of Fun

This afternoon we decided to make a giant list of all our fun plans for Spring Break. The highlight of Leif's week is looking not to be the trip to the movie theater, or the plans to go swimming or to the gymnastics gym.

Nope, it's a lemonade stand.

He plans to offer two varieties of lemonade (from lemons and from powder), take a vote on which tastes better and offer homemade cookies for sale too. Skadi is planning on filling the role of graphic artist and making the sign - she has already made our name tags, "so that everyone knows it is OUR business". He is planning on advertising through Facebook, but has expressed a bit of conern about "inspectors" who may come by.

Hmmm...

So the kids' list (as written by Leif):

Lenumade Stand
Moviy
Go to parik
Make chicken samdwiches
Make cookes with lemunade
Slep down stars (Sleep downstairs)
Learn cursive

Skadi Well Child

She is healthy, happy and got a good lecture about her refusal to eat most fruits and vegetables. We are now four days later though and despite the lecture, there is no improvement in the child's fruit and vegie comsumption.

She is holding steady on the 50th percentile line where she has been solidly for the last three years.

At 5 years:
your child is 39.5 pounds, and that is
at the 48th percentile for weight.
your child is 42.5 inches, and that is
at the 49th percentile for height.

Happy Birthday Skadi!

Five? 5? Not four? Not three? 5? For reals, five?

How can it be?

Dear Skadi,

I remember five years ago walking the halls of the hospital - up and down, up and down, wondering when we were going to get to meet you. By that time, being my second baby, I felt I was an old pro at this. It was just a matter of time and I would have my baby in my arms. But the contractions weren't coming, nothing was moving, except that hand that seemed to be waving at us, giving us an ahead warning of your stubbornness.

I thought I knew it all, but as all babies are, you were different. You are different. You arrived at 1:59pm on March 23rd, 2007. I should have guessed - all prime numbers are in your birthday and time. As someone who loves numbers, this did not escape me.

Over the last few years you have grown and changed in such amazing ways. There are days I know exactly you are my daughter - like when you beg for a pedicure, want your hair braided and jump up and down with excitement when I announce it is gymnastics lessons night.  Other times I look at you and wonder where you may have come from - like when you scream at the top of your little lungs, sass the boys in your class (instead of shrinking in a corner like I did), tell your teacher where she can stick it (not literally, thank goodness) and beat your brother up while playing swords.

I look at you and occasionally see myself as a five year old. I remember the first day of kindergarten well and I hope yours is as magical this year as mine was.

You love to bake and cook and I know you got that from me, your grandma Barbara and your great great grandma Hanna. You are about the pickiest thing around and would live on Dinosaur nuggets if we let you. You don't like berries or stone fruit or pears, but love apples, oranges and bananas - I can't figure this out. You will eat them if they are dried though, so I am assuming it is a texture thing because I can officially say that you have never had a berry in your mouth.

Did I say stubborn? Yeah, that goes without saying.

You like everything pink, though purple and blue are alright too. You prefer that everything be "girl" and an effective marketing campaign to your type would be to mark everything with "Girl" in front of it. "Girl food", "Girl toothbrush", "Girl Hangers", "Girl Paper"...

Amazingly you do eat and enjoy broccoli and broccoli rabe. You seem to like canned carrots for some unknown reason. (Can I just say, nasty?) You like chicken tikka masala, rice, quesadillas, and of course we can't forget cheese pizza. Sweet tooth? Again, goes without saying.

You love Barbies and Princesses (Ariel is the best, followed by Tiana and Rapunzel). But you also like Legos and building. You really like art and your teacher has figured out that is an effective bribe - to threaten to take away art privileges. I only wish the threat worked because too often you end up losing those privileges.

Your best friends are Olivia, Maddie and Raquel. This coming year though you will switch schools and leave them behind. We went and registered you for kindergarten one day. You were so brave as we marched up to the school and filled out the hundreds of forms that are somewhat akin to buying a house. After we left we went for a Starbucks treat and you got a tear in your eye as you told me, "but I didn't even get to say goodbye to my Apple Tree friends". I felt so bad! Of course you were still going to be in Apple Tree for 6 months but your capacity for emotions always amazes me.

When you are asked what you want to be when you grow up it is something like a "mermaid princess". Personally I think you will be an amazing doctor or lawyer. Your teacher thinks you will excel as a fashion designer. Of course, maybe the mermaid princess thing will work out? You are an amazing little swimmer and gymnast.

Whatever it is, I know you have the capacity to succeed. When I tell you that I love you, you always reply, "I love you more". I assure you that you don't, though I can tell you never believe me.

I love you more Skadi Jeanne.

Love, Mom

Does it seem like...

I only ever pop in to say I am still here? It seems like it to me. I have a list of blog topics on my phone and seriously no time to address them. I have fallen out of the habit. And the blog topics start seeming old.

Busy? You have no idea. In fact, I am not even going to blog about that because I am not sure even where to start. Suffice it to say I have never been busier in my whole life on both the personal and work front.

So I am going to do a big catch up and hit (briefly) a number of topics on my "To Blog About" list. Ok?

Skadi: "Mommy, my taste bugs like that food!"

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Skadi: "Mom, my two head hurts."

Me: "I am sorry to hear that." (Loving that she still calls her forehead a two head.)

Skadi: "When I get older I will have a three head, won't I mom?"

Me: "Yes, Skadi, you probably will have a three head someday."

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Overheard at Gymnastics the Other Day.

Lady #1: "Oh, you go to the Court Club? I can't stand that place, they put chemicals in their pool designed to disintigrate your swimming suits so you are forced to buy new suits all the time."

Lady #2: "Oh I don't think so, they add chlorine like everywhere else to keep it clean."

Lady #1: "Oh no, we are in the process of canceling our membership because of this swimsuit thing. I am so tired of the kids' suits becoming thin and wearing out."

Lady #2: "Well that happens if you don't rinse out the suits after visiting any pool unless the water isn't treated, and I don't think I would want to swim in a public pool that wasn't treated."

Lady #1: "No, I tell you, they add extra chemicals!"

Lady #2 (I love her): "Yeah, sounds like you should probably cancel your membership and go somewhere else."

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Read on Amazon.com when looking for laser pointers.

"The buyer should beware, thisset of laser pointers comes with a so called extra 'UV light' and you need to know that the UV light does NOT work to play with cats. Do not buy this item."

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One of my biggest annoyances when I was a kid was when those older men would walk by and say to me, "Smile!" I despised that. I don't know why. But why was it expected that I should smile at them?

So the other day Skadi and I were at Starbucks and she was sitting at a table waiting for me. An older man walked by and I heard the words come out of his mouth, "Smile cutey!"

Daggers shot from my eyes. As a kid I obliged while rolling my eyes in my imagination. As an adult? Daggers. Don't tell my daughter to smile.

Ok, maybe it is a bit irrational.

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Dear Insurance Company,

Thanks for timing it so that the reminder that I am now due for my first mammogram actually appear on my 40th birthday. Much appreciated.

Thanks,
NM

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And this one? JUST happened.

*Ding Dong*

Me: "Pizza's here guys!" Hurry to the door.

Pizza Delivery Guy who looks a whole lot like Napolean Dynamite: "Looks like you could use some spring cleaning in that pond in the yard!"

Tip? Very little.

Time to go eat dinner... Later!

Stress

I think I am addicted to it.


If I admit something, does that make it get better or just become more real?

I had a class Friday morning called Stress Management. And frankly this class pissed me off.

I went into the ridiculousness of this a few days (or was it weeks?) ago. They schedule a class caused Cost and Resources. My first thought was, “yeah, I could teach that class, but whatever. And oh crap it is scheduled to go until 5pm, I need childcare.” So after I scrambled to get childcare lined up… since I work a “cushy” schedule of leaving at 3:00pm daily… they changed the class to Stress Management. I think about the irony. Then a few days later they moved the class to an even WORSE day then the first one – the day my big huge deliverable was scheduled to ship. (Hello IRONY!) I told them straight up, I may not make this class and mustered a joke about “and I am probably the one that needs it”. They expressed the importance at making every single class, even the ones that “may not seem important at the time”.

Sigh.

Unfortunately due to an unforeseen and unfortunate event in the lab, I was able to attend class Friday morning. That’s not to say that there wasn’t any stress with making the decision to attend class versus a teleconference with the client to review the unfortunate event. But I have a great coworker who insisted I go to stress management (suggesting I might need it and commenting on the irony of the timing) and he would run the telecon and promised to take really good notes. (I am still skeptical on the last comment… *I* am the note taker.)

I sat, very impatiently, through Stress Management this morning. I sat there certain, that no one in that class had my level of stress right now and could we just get on with this so I could get back to my office.

And certainly the instructor had no idea how inconvenient this all was since she talked so slowly and PowerPoint animations crawled by at a snail’s pace. Seriously now? I don't need to see a word slide up the page, just put it there.

I know. Ironic, huh? Stress management my...

I am still a bit annoyed by the class because there were no massages. Truly, Stress Management should include massages.

But I am coming around. The telecon with the client went well my coworker has repeatedly assured me. (Haven’t seen any notes yet…) And I walked out of class today with a very important take away message.

“Stress can be addictive.”

Hello, I am Nuclear Mom and I am addicted to stress.

You know that Katy Perry song, “you’re hot then you’re cold, you’re yes then you’re no…”

I have been humming this song lately trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

I have been busting my butt daily on my work, barely accomplishing the things that need to be done, letting slip the things that aren’t pounding at my door. But frankly, if I really admit it, loving every minute of it. Ok, the icky meltdown event from Monday really sucked, I didn’t love that AT ALL or the fact finding afterwards. But every regular day. Love it.

On the rare occasion that I have a day where I am able to catch up I sit at my desk and pound stuff out. And then I twiddle my thumbs for 30 minutes. Then I freak out.

Full on freak out.

I don’t have anything to do! I start making phone calls to people, “when are you going to have X data?” “What about that paper you promised me?” “Do you have time for a meeting on this proposal?”

Freak out. Where is my endorphin rush? Where is that edge of panic that I thrive on?

Work right now is a tough place to be for a lot of people. Tough as in they don’t have work to fill their time cards and are fearing layoffs. When I am not pulling my hair out trying to figure out how to get things done, I am paranoid. What is happening? Why aren’t people calling me? Do I need to start looking for work?

“Hot then you’re cold…”

Middle ground. I need it bad.

I need to kick this addiction to stress, the endorphin rush from pounding things out the door feels good. But I fear dropping things. I fear not doing my best. I fear disappointing someone.

I am going to work on this. Really, I am.

Little boys are such funny creatures

The other day Leif was crying at breakfast.

Leif: “And Mia is so mean and now Allison is too!”

Me: “What exactly are they doing?”

Leif: “They are telling me what to do and they want to talk to me ALL the time and so then if you are talking, you get in trouble, they want to get me in trouble.”

(Still tears.)

Me: “Leif, I still think it might be what daddy said the other day and that Mia and Allison actually like you, as in like you how you like Shelly.”

Leif: (Still upset) “No, it isn’t like that, I told them last week that my dad said the reason they were talking to me all the time was because they like me and it IS NOT that.”

Me: “Oh really, you asked them! What exactly did they say?”

Leif: “Well they said, ‘uhhh’ and started giggling and ran off.” (Tears still.)

Me: “So kind of the way you would act if Shelly walked up to you and asked if you liked her?”

Leif: (Stops crying. Face turns red.) “Uhhhh…”

Me: “SEE!! They are talking to you and bugging you because they LIKE you!”

Leif: “NOO MOM! That is awful!!”

Me: “Is it worse that they like you or worse to think that they are just bugging you to be mean.”

Leif: “It’s worse if they are mean.” (Tears are now giggles and cheeks are blushing.)

Me: “See! I was a little girl once, I know these things.”

Leif: “You were a little girl once?”

Me: “Well I wasn’t a little boy.”

Leif: “I didn’t think about that!”

Me: “I know all the scoops on girls, you need to just talk to me about girls!”

(Planting the seed for later…)

Irony

I called AB the other day to remind him that I have a class on that Thursday and would thus have to work late and he would have to get off early. He replies to me, "so do I, I have that leadership class".

And so we started scrambling.

You know when you are faced with adversity (I know, this isn't really adversity), so you are faced with a challenge to overcome in your family and you fail initially to look outside of your little family unit? I panicked. I stressed.

Yes, well it did finally dawn on me that luckily we do have a network of families to help out. Skadi is still in a preschool/daycare setting and so she isn't the issue, it was what to do with Leif. Who would meet his bus?

I went into action - I e-mailed my three closest friends with kids my son's same age and in the same school. Of course they all came to the rescue with solutions of offering to take Leif after school.

Phew. I could make my Cost/Resource Loading class after all.

Then the next day they changed the name of the class, "Stress Management".

Then they cancelled class for that Thursday and rescheduled it for two Tuesdays away.

Irony.

My Space

I often wonder when I enter someone's house and everything is just perfect and exactly fits the person, how they got there?

Not in terms of money or anything - I fully admit that we tend to put our discretionary income in other places than furnishings.

I have been trying to figure out for years how to get to the point where I walk in my house and I don't look at the laundry list of things that I want to do in order to turn that room into My Space. Something that when someone walks in they look at it and say "this fits NM".

I tried for a few years the monthly goals. And I really like that. But typically speaking it only ever afforded me the opportunity to do small things in each area each month. And for some time that worked for me. But I guess I got impatient... or it is my realization a few months ago that in order to finally get this going we needed bigger goals.

I finally have an end in sight for three areas in my house! My dining room IS finished. 100% complete. There isn't a single thing I want to do more to the area.

Room number two is well under way. The other day AB and I pulled everything out of our office, he pulled the trim off and I painted and painted. I have one wall left to do (in a different color). Then he is going to rip the nasty carpet up and start laying the new floor.

My big task is going to think seriously about what goes back into the room. Because I can cram a lot of stuff on shelves.

I would love to have a chaisse lounge for the office - I have visions of a quiet place to read by my front window - but that may have to wait unless I find a spectacular deal. 

But aside from my dreams of a lounge chair... the space will be done!

To round out the front of my house, the foyer is next. I have really been pushing AB to let me paint over the green wall. It just doesn't speak to me anymore and I think I very nearly have him convinced - or at least accepting of the need to get rid of the green. But after that I need a storage bench and a skinny little entry table. I should be able to find these at a reasonable price.

I am really looking forward to being able to walk in my house (though I almost never use my front entrance), and just be satisfied and happy with what is there without looking around and thinking "I don't like this and that and I want to change X,Y and Z."

Next? Our backyard transformation into a real utilizable space. Stay tuned, plans in the works.

Best purchase ever...

AB and I have a kind of routine where we declare an item one of our "best purchases ever". I think it is a way to consciously or subconsciously help us throughout the years to make better choices in how we spend our money. I have noticed lately that among the usual suspects on our list of really good choices, there are some that I really debated on whether or not to buy or that one of us really had to make a strong case for.

Compare this to other purchases that we have to a certain degree made mental notes on "never again". Like the computer I am typing on now... never go out and buy a computer because you need one with no checking around... Or maybe the dressers we bought when we moved here and knew we needed dressers, but not where to buy them? Oh the list goes on.

But in an effort to keep 95% of my blogs on the upbeat note, I thought I would share our list of "really great buys".

• My car. Love my car. I have a 2003 Toyota 4Runner that I bought halfway on a whim 9 years ago. I wanted a Highlander, but they were hard to come by and pricier than I had expected. I drove my 4Runner and decided this would do and I love the car still. I have no intention of replacing it anytime soon.

• AB's car. He loves his car something fierce. A Toyota Sequoia. I don't particularly care for it because it is huge. I feel like I am driving a bus. But that's the only reason why. I love being a passenger in it.

• A pink rolling pin. I found this itty bitty siliconeized rolling pin when Skadi was about 2. It wasn't inexpensive. And I debated this purchase pretty hard, does a 2 year old really need a silicone rolling pin? Umm yes, she did and she loves it and uses it.

• My black purse. It just gets better with age. One thing I love about it is that when I travel I can fit a lab notebook into it as well as my Kindle and no briefcase necessary.

• Our dining room table. I had to wrangle with my husband to finally get a second dining room table for our formal dining room. We always maintained that we didn't need a second dining room, but now that I have one. Love it. I use the in kitchen dining room for breakfast and lunch and kid's crafts. The dining room for actual dinner. But the table in particular? It was an inexpensive table that I FINALLY convinced AB we needed from Ikea. But it is fabulous. Solid wood and expands to seat... well we haven't filled it up yet. I am guessing 16 people?

• Our Canon EOS Digital Rebel. Love my camera. I use that thing all the time. And you know what? It is 7 years old and still going strong and taking fabulous pictures.

• A vase. Yes, a simple vase from Crate and Barrel. When I was in grad school I went to a conference and actually won one of 5 awards for the best student poster. It was $100, but to a grad student it was a small fortune. I wanted to buy something that would remind me of that time. I think it cost $29 (and I put the remainder towards dinner at Moose's with my husband). But I use that vase all the time.

Ok, so not the most fascinating post, but one of those that has been rattling around in my head for awhile.

Remembering back to rabbit's feet

Do you remember when they were somewhat popular? Rabbit's feet? Colored in wacky colors?

When I was in elementary school they held a Christmas shop in the library where kids could go and buy their little goodies on their own. Rabbit's feet were all the rage.

And that year my parents each were lucky enough to get one each from me.

I think back to the rabbit's feet when I look at the presents my kids got me and I am very thankful that they aren't all the rage anymore.

Actually, they are pretty gross... and I remember that my dog ate more than one...

AB and I have a routine whereby we take the kids shopping and let them pick out whatever they want (within reason) to each of us. And the kids love having picked out and wrapped their own gifts.

Skadi is a good little shopper. But she goes into a store with no preconceived notion about what she is buying for anyone. She likes to browse. She found a nice big brown fuzzy blanket for AB and also a Muppet's t-shirt. Slippers and socks for Aunt Tara.

Leif on the other hand, knows exactly what he wants to get someone and goes in headstrong and unwilling to waver! He insisted on an Angry Birds shirt for AB and also a scarf.

We went to about four different stores in search of the right scarf. So many were "too girly for daddy". But he finally found a green and grey thick wool scarf that by the time we found it I was willing to pay a little more lest we have to go to anymore stores.

For me?

I was the lucky recipient of two tubes of sparkley red and pink lip gloss AND a bottle of green sparkle body mist in case I decide to try out for Elphaba I suppose. I am sure you can guess who gave those to me.

From Leif, I got a crystal duck and a crystal pillar that says "Mom, I love you" and has its own rotating and colored lights base reminiscent of a small disco ball.

AB had a bit of a hard time keeping a straight face as I opened it and Leif looked on beaming with a huge smile.

I asked Leif how he came up with those ideas and he told me that he remembered back to when he got me a bead for my bracelet and how much I liked it and he KNEW that I would love to have a glass duck because of that. Okaaayyyy...

Later on AB told me that he was perplexed when Leif announced that he had to get me a glass duck for Christmas. Maybe I had it easy searching the stores for the "right" scarf? Then he asked me what I thought of the crystal pillar?

"I love it because Leif loves it and it is important to him," I told him.

And secretly I was thinking "AND because it isn't a rabbit's foot!"

Goals?

Phew! Goodbye 2011. It wasn't a bad year here. As all years tend to go, it just went fast. Wasn't 2011 just starting?

One nice thing about working where I do is that learning to write 2012 isn't hard. I have been writing it for three whole months now.

Every year I sent out to do monthly goals. And in the first few months of the year, usually January through May, I really kick butt. Then I either take the summer off, or we tackle a larger project. Then a few more monthly goals in the fall before the Holidays take over. It works for me.

But honestly, I haven't given my monthly goals much thought.

I had a huge list of goals for my just over two weeks off in December and managed to hit all of them (make chicken pot pies, make lefse, make chili, make latkes, make bolognese sauce, clean and organize Leif's closet and room, clean and organize Skadi's room, help AB install the dining room floor) except three. And the three I didn't hit aren't major - I didn't get the trailer cleaned like I had planned. And I didn't get the two planned playdates done with other kids we don't normally have playdates with. Maybe if I got return e-mails from the two other parents, the playdates would have worked out...

So with any luck we will have our dining room completely done on January 1.

My list of things to do during 2012 is long, but not really organized in a monthly fashion...

Empty the office.
Finish painting the office.
Rip up the carpet in the office.
Enable AB to do the floors by fielding the kids for 2-3 days.
Come up with plans for the outdoor kitchen.
Start execution of outdoor kitchen/patio area.
Start purging the baby stuff out of the house (sigh)

Part of my problem is that I am just so blinded by my long list of other stuff...

January:
My birthday weekend
AB's birthday weekend, skiing?
Ski weekend?

February:
Potential travel to Florida and Connecticut
Ski weekend for President's Day

March:
Anniversary weekend
Travel to DC

April:
Leif's Spring Break - Yellowstone in the trailer?
Travel to Tennessee (oh yeah)

May:
Travel to Pittsburgh.

And now it's summer.

Where do I fit in all my to do stuff?

It's good we can cook...

Because dining out in this city just sucks!

We hadn't eaten out in quite awhile and I convinced AB to go out to dinner last night. He was tired from putting the floor in and I was tired of fielding the kids all day and dealing with Miss Sassy. We needed to get out of the house.

My one request was that we couldn't go to the usual haunt (Sakura) because I wasn't in the mood for sushi (amazingly enough) and I wanted something different. We stepped only slightly out of the box and headed to a Korean restaurant not far from us. One where if we were "regulars" anywhere other than Sakura, this would be #3 on the list. (#2 being a Mexican place a few blocks from the house.)

Having kids has really impacted our dining out style.

Ok, so we go to the sparsely decorated Korean restaurant that still (after 8 or so years) lacks a liquor license. That's ok.

New and very young waitstaff as usual.

Waitress: "Can I take your order?"

AB: "Yes, we will start with the combination tempura..."

Waitress: "Ok, is that all for you tonight?"

AB: "No, the kids will split a Sweet and Sour Chicken with the Sweet and Sour Sauce on the Side."

Waitress: "Ok, is that all for you tonight?"

Me: "No, I would like dinner too. I will do #54."

Waitress: "I am sorry, I don't know the menu yet, what is that?"

Me: "It's the Spicy Pork Bulgogi right here," I said pointing to the menu. AB noted he would take one as well.

A bit of time passes and she returns with the tempura that the entire family chows. Then the Sweet and Sour Chicken arrives, covered in sauce. Skadi is happy, Leif is in tears.

AB tells the waitress that he requested the sauce on the side. Yes, she remembers that but thought he meant something else. I mean really lame long rambley response about why the sauce was on the top and not on the side.

AB: "Can you just bring out a saucer of the chicken without the sauce on it."

She heads in to check. Skadi is chowing away at the sweet and sour chicken.

Waitress: "No, I am sorry we can't. I can return this plate and the chef can remake it, but we can't just bring out extra chicken without the plate being returned."

AB: "But she is eating it and I would rather not take it away,  you are just going to throw it away."

Waitress: "No, I am sorry we can't do that, we are just too busy to do that."

?!?!?!

AB: "Fine, I will order another order of Sweet and Sour Chicken with the SAUCE ON THE SIDE."

Then our meals come out. It looks a bit different, but we start eating. Our Korean side dishes don't arrive, so I flag down the waitress.

Me: "Will our Korean side dishes be coming? The Kim-Chi and such."

Waitress: "Let me go see."

She returns.

Waitress: "I am sorry, you ordered the spicy pork teriyaki, it doesn't come with Korean side dishes."

Me: "Umm no. I ordered the bulgogi and we had a conversation about you not knowing the menu and I pointed it to you."

Waitress: "Let me go see."

She returns.

Waitress: "Ok, she will remake your meals for you."

AB: "Nevermind. Can  you just bring us the Korean side dishes to go with the pork teriyaki?"

And she does.

Then she brings out a grilled chicken breast sliced up on a plate and puts it in front of Leif.

And if I didn't have a plate of hot food in front of me my head would have just dropped onto the table and maybe pounded a bit.

We all ate. The waitress avoided us.

Then she brought us our ticket charging us for EVERYTHING including $4 for the grilled chicken breast.

Sigh.

Quiche, Latkes and Meatball Sandwiches

I may be onto something!

A few weeks ago my son's pickiness came to a head with me. It was driving me insane.

And as a formerly very somewhat still picky person, I get picky. I get the extreme picky. I know that there are times you just look at a food and know that it cannot go into your mouth. I know that it is inexplainable. I know that it sends shivers up and down your spine. I get it.

But my son has recently taken picky to a new extreme and it was driving.me.insane.

"Fine then," I told him one evening. "Once a week it is up to you to plan a dinner with me and help prepare it."

I knew then that my biggest challenge with this would be ME sticking to it and not falling to the "I don't have time for this tonight".

The first week Leif declared he wanted to make "egg pie". Just like that.

"Sounds like a quiche," I declared and found a simple recipe.

I made the crust... because you just don't mess with crusts. Someday I will teach him the art, but he needs a few primers in other food prep first.

He mixed the eggs, the cream, cooked the bacon and by himself chopped the broccoli. AB shredded the cheese. We mixed it all together and tossed it into the crust. Wa la. One amazing quiche. And Leif was proud of himself. He grinned from ear to ear as I took his picture and posted it on Facebook.
"Mom," he said, "I don't want you to fix any other food because I want Skadi to have to TRY this, it is so good."

Oh the irony. Words that I have recorded well... because he IS going to hear them again.

Then was meatball sandwich night. They were good, but not quite up to whatever it is that he gets on meatball sandwich day at the school cafeteria...

Then last week Leif came home from school and declared that he wanted to make latkes.

Latkes, as in potato pancakes? I asked. My mom used to make latkes, but I don't remember them well.

You see Leif has a weird and unexplainable potato aversion. He doesn't eat French Fries, Tater Tots, Potato Chips, Mashed Potatoes make him gag, backed potatoes give him the willies.

I am not sure he is mine because *I* am the opposite. I love potatoes in all forms.

Actually I should correct that Leif DOES like lefse. But who doesn't like lefse?

I agreed and AB started cautioning me, "make them as Leif friendly as humanly possible, the potential for disaster on this one is HUGE. And you don't want this to be a disaster".

I treaded carefully. No onions. No toppings. Just plain latkes.

We peeled the potatoes. Ok, Leif peeled a half a potato and in the interest of having them ready in under 8 hours, I did the rest. He shredded them in the food processor, mixed the eggs in and the flour, put them in the colander to drain. We did a whole safety talk on hot oil. Then he stood there handing me quarter cups full while I dropped them in hot oil and pressed them flat.

OMG they are good. So freaking good.

Skadi, who doesn't care for potatoes much more than Leif except that she will eat potato chips and fries (sometimes), ate two. AB and I nommed on them.

And Leif ate one and said it was "ok".

Success!

Elf Calamities

Invariably, if you are going to do the Elf on the Shelf thing, you are going to have mishaps.

Like forgetting to move the Elf and the kids discovering her first. "That silly Elf tried to trick you guys (again?) and came back to the same spot!"

Or the day the housecleaner knocked her off her perch and left her sprawled on the floor. Horror! "Well I hope she forgives the housecleaner for touching her and doesn't give a bad report to Santa."

Or the day that daddy stepped on her.

Our elf was sound asleep on the dolly bed in Skadi's room on the floor next to Skadi's bed. She had survived the whole day there, I THOUGHT we were out of the woods.

AB was putting Skadi to sleep that night and at some point, got up, and stepped right on Mina!!

The world screeched to a halt as Skadi's eyes welled with tears, "DADDY! You hurt Mina. You touched her and will get a bad report and now she can't fly back to the North Pole and so Santa won't get our good reports. WAH!"

It didn't stop there. I heard about it for the next two days. Not only from the kids but AB as well.

"I don't care that it is cute she was in a little bed, she should NOT be on the floor or SOMETHING is bound to happen," and he was probably right.

But as it turned out Mina was none worse for the wear and flew to Santa that night and issued her good reports.

(Thank goodness AB didn't step on her face and smush it in or something catastrophic like that...)

The Bomb Story

Skadi: "Mommy, will you tell me the bomb story again?"

Me: (Sigh) "Are you sure you want to hear that story again?"

Skadi: "Yes."

Me: "What part of it do you want to hear?" (Hoping she doesn't say the Japanese part.)

Skadi: "All of it."

Me: "Wouldn't you rather have a princess story?"

Skadi: "No."

Me: "Ok."

Blame Leif. He is the one who introduced Skadi to the concept of the "biggest bomb ever". Actually, I blame his teacher. Because do we really need to talk about nuclear weapons in the 1st grade? Yes, I know it was December 6th, the 70th anniversary of Pearl Harbor. But I was a bit surprised the depth of questions.

December 6th:

Leif: "Mom, Mrs. H told us about today a long time ago we were attacked."

Me: "Yes, the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor on this day 70 years ago."

I could go on and line out all the conversation surrounding this, but I won't. And in fact, I don't remember it well. I just know that he was very concerned that Hans and I had been there (we reassured him we weren't), that it would happen again (we hope it won't), that children were killed (I don't know if children were killed) and then he wanted to know about the "biggest bomb ever" that ended the war.

The conversation ended with me stating historical fact that we actually live near where part of the bomb was made (so nontechnical speak) here and that Daddy's job is in cleaning up the work from making that bomb and that Mommy works in ensuring that nothing like that (we haven't talked about 9-11 yet) doesn't happen to the people of the US again .

And life went on.

Until Skadi, about a week later, asked to hear the "story of the bomb" again. I confirmed, before delving in, that it was the story from the prior week. She nodded her head.

And now it is just after Christmas and the "bomb story" has become a mainstay. I have modified it to suit my needs in speaking with a four year old.

The Bomb Story

Once upon a time, a long time ago before mommy was born, before grandma was born and when great grandma was a school teacher in North Dakota, the bad Japanese (as opposed to the good Japaneses) attacked Pearl Harbor, a US base in Hawaii. They flew planes in and attacked the soldiers there. The United States then said we are at war with the Japanese (for Skadi's purposes, I haven't expanded to the axis and allies...)

Great grandma decided that she wanted to help the US and so she joined the Army Nurses Corp and she went to Spokane where we get to go to see Beauty and the Beast at the end of January to learn to be an Army nurse.

While she was there being a nurse, the bad Japanese started invading islands in the South Pacific and were pushing their soldiers through the islands and taking them over. Roar!

But while this all was happening the scientists that were living here where we live decided to make a bomb with some other scientists at another lab. The scientists here out on the Hanford site made a very special ingredient for the bomb, the plutonium. But they were messy and made a huge mess that Daddy is still working on cleaning up.

Finally the day came that they flew the two bombs named Fat Man (Skadi invariably thinks this is funny) and Little Boy over to Japan and they dropped them on the bad guys. Those bombs were the biggest bombs in the world and so Japan said to the United States, "you win, we give up!"

And all this happened just a few weeks before your great grandma was supposed to ship over and be a nurse in the war! So she didn't have to go overseas after all. So instead she met your grandpa in Seattle and they moved to Casper where they had two boys, then a girl, who was your grandma Barbara and then another boy. And Barbara was a good girl, but when she got mad at her brothers she would chase them into the corner with the broom!

And then Barbara grew up and she got married to my daddy, Perry. And soon after that they had a little girl, and that was me. And my sister just a few years later. And we had so much fun playing Barbies and Little People! I played with those exact same Little People that you have!

Pretty soon I grew up and I went to college and met AB! (At this point Skadi giggles hearing her daddy's name.) And we moved to Reno, Nevada so I could go to more college and we got married at Lake Tahoe.

Then we packed up and moved up here where mommy got a job working to protect us from bad people and Daddy got a job cleaning up the mess from the bomb. Then they had a baby named Leif and a few years later, a little baby girl named Skadi. And Skadi was a good little baby, but she did cry a lot. Her favorite food was milk and applesauce. Once she learned to walk though, she started running. Then she turned one and her grandma Barbara and Grandpa Rick came to visit and they pushed her on the swing. Then she turned two right when we moved into our new house. But she was sick on her 2nd birthday. When she turned three the year after that we had a princess dress up party in our house with all her friends. Another year passed and she turned four and she had her party at Coach Brett's gym! And now we are here, I wonder where she will have her party now

Twisted, huh?

What we did this Christmas season...

I didn't work. Well that much at least, just a few hours here and there.

We didn't bake much. So I am not much of a baker and I don't have much of a sweet tooth. We did do Christmas cookie cutouts. It's a tradition in my family to make my great grandmother's sugar cookie recipe that is so finicky, but so tasty. But no nanaimo bars or Gingerbread cookies that were on my list to do.

We didn't sit in front of the TV and watch the Christmas specials. We usually do, and I love them. So do my kids. But not this year. I did rent Elf one night and was happy that many of the jokes didn't go unnoticed by my son.

I didn't put up the Christmas village. I wanted to, but ran out of time.

We managed to get a few lights on the bushes outside, but no lights on our house.

I have barely put away the Thanksgiving decorations inside, Christmas interior decorations? Ha. We have a tree and the stockings were hung a few days ago.

The Advent calendar? Sorely neglected.

We haven't driven around our town and looked at the Christmas lights.

Our Christmas Eve and Day meals are barely planned. No prepwork started.

We didn't go caroling.

I didn't even take the time to find the Muppets Christmas cd.

What did we do this Christmas season so far?

This:

We have stood by our fire.

We have petted goats, sheep, horses, camels and donkeys.

We have pulled our clothes out of Sparkle's (the sheep) mouth.

We have kneeled on the ground with our foreheads in the hay.

We have begged and pleaded with our wriggly children to be still and quiet.

We haven't cooked dinner, instead eaten whatever the church prepared for us (which has been hit and miss!).

We have coached our children in some semblence of acting.

We have stood and kneeled in front of crowds of 800-2000 people a night.

I have watched my husband guide Mary and Joseph and wrangle a donkey into a pen.

I have had tears in my eyes seeing my daughter walk up and kiss the baby Jesus a few times a night.

I have nudged my kids' bedtimes to nearly 1.5 hours later than normal, with the hopes I can nudge them back.

I have been amazed at the tenacity of my children to willingly and with minimal whining, participate in 11 performances (so far).

I have hidden Lifesaver candies in my boots for those times when tenacity is waning.

I have watched new friendships form and a community be created by us strangers brought together to perform the Nativity for strangers.

We smell like farm animals and smoke.

I am amazed at how I remain moved at each of the 11 (so far) performances we have participated in.

I have prayed the camels be well behaved this year.

I have no regrets at surrendering my evenings of Christmas prep.

We hope that the beauty of the Living Nativity has brought a season of joy to those who have witnessed it.

Crush

Way back at the start of the school year, Leif met a girl.

She is a cute little blonde who wears great shoes, plays the cello and loves little kids. And she is a FOURTH grader!

It all started innocently enough. Leif was nervous to ride the bus, he never had before. I was nervous to have him ride the bus - because what if the bus dropped him at the wrong school... or left him on a street corner... or decided to drive to Texas or something? You just never know these days...

But the cute little blonde at the bus stop (with cute boots) promised me to help Leif out.

And for a few weeks she diligently rode the bus with him next to her.

And AB and I worried when we saw stars setting in Leif's eyes upon gazing at her.

"What if she wants to sit with her friends?" we started asking him.

"She doesn't want to," Leif assured us.

Gone was the crush on the girls his age... now he had his eyes set on an OLDER girl! And he would blush when her name would come up. And he would blush when he would see her at school holding the door. And he would hide from her when her class left the gym and his arrived...

Then just a few short days later Leif complained that she keeps trying to sit in other spots. And he was trying to come up with tricks to force her to sit with him. There started a war at the bus stop whereby she was trying to make him get on the bus first so that she could select her seat afterwards. And Leif tried to make her get on the bus so that he could sit next to her.

And even when she would take a seat with somebody else, Leif would squish in and make it three in the row!

AB and I tried to take the tactic of reasoning with Leif, "you know, she is older and has friends and maybe doesn't want a first grader hanging around all the time?" To which Leif would reply, "she does, she just pretends she doesn't."

Poor, poor oblivious little boy.

Then AB and I took the opposite tactic. Don't mention her at all and hopefully the heart throbbing would subside. I reluctantly followed this path. Reluctantly because to me it seemed akin to sticking my head in the sand.

Then last week the little miss sealed her own fate unknowingly.

"Leif," she said, "if you can answer a math problem that I make up, then you can sit with me for the rest of the year. BUT, if you get it wrong, then you can't sit with me the rest of the year. Ok?"

Leif agreed.

"What is 44 x 10?" she asked.

"That's easy!" replied Leif, "440!"

And so Leif has a spot saved for him on the bus for the remainder of the year.

Two weeks off!

The past few months have been a real whirlwind. I am sure that is just what happens when you have two careers and two busy kids. I have got a big long list of blog topics on my phone and I am hoping to get to those over the next two weeks as I enjoy my two weeks off. But right now? Just a general catch up is in order.

Let's see... the kids started gymnastics again. This second time around, a year later, is much better for Skadi. She is now in the big kids area and not the little kids area, which is really what she wanted all along. She is quite happy being a gymnast. And same as last time, I have put Leif in gymnastics as well because I would just rather not have him sit next to me with his nose in his DS for an hour every Monday night. Nope, he gets to be out there too. Last year he loved gymnastics, this year a little less so for some reason.

Both kids are in swimming. My Skadi fish has passed up again so that she and Leif are now in the same class. While this reflects great on her, I won't tell you how many years Leif has been in this level. Some day he is going to get it, right? One day it will all click and he will take off.

Leif loves first grade and is doing so well. He has a super teacher and we are just so proud of him.

This year we decided to all volunteer to be shepherds in our church's Living Nativity. Last year AB and Leif did it, while Skadi and I stayed home and held the fort down with many "girl's nights". This year we decided we would all give it a try. I figured that Skadi and I could always bail if it became too much for her (or me). Well that worked until the first rehearsal night when she was picked to be the little shepherd to kiss baby Jesus at each performance. And suddenly we are there and commited for every performance!

Me? Things are good. A lot of changes.

I had a rough year on my one big project dealing with a demanding client, in a difficult funding year, and a team that was ripping apart at the seams. I tried and tried to deal with the team issue and I knew exactly where it was stemming from. One person. One person who was sucking the project dry funding wise, constantly pushing scope in the wrong direction, being divisive among the team, and who, no matter what I tried, I could not trust and nor could most of my coworkers.

After a long year of trying to manage the situation both from the client's side as well as our side, the client made a phone call to my superiors and asked that the person be removed. A day later it was done. It was ugly. It remains ugly. But the project is seriously one of the happy places for all of us now. My team is just this happy little cohesive unit that smiles and jokes and delivers.

It makes me sad actually though. Sad because I always liked this person, until I worked closely with him for a few years. He gave me opportunities, career changing opportunities. And I will never forget that. But I will also keep in mind the actions of someone whose career was spiraling and the desperate accusations made towards me.

On the rare occasion I see him in the hallway he always looks right at me and pushes his glasses up with his middle finger like a junior high kid. And I smile. AB has uttered the words, "hostile work environment". But I am not like that. I can get past it. I can see why he is angry and hurt and seeing his reaction only makes me feel more sorry for him. This is how you deal with adversity? With your middle finger? Well, I am better than that.

We found out last week that we won an award for this project! A big award that involves a cross country trip to receive our award in May. Wheee!

My career has recently catapulted. I managed to pick up five additional projects to manage, one of those to PI, in late September. They have kept me busy. Too busy. Then one of my favored clients had a proposal call and because I was a delinquent in returning proposal ideas for consideration (too much other stuff on my plate and I truly just forgot), I was just handed one to write up. That works. My least favored, but flush with cash, client has issued a proposal call and I have found out that my name is being put on at least 3 proposals as manager. Then on Friday one of the PI's I started working with in October asked me to manage another $3M project he is pulling in.

Yes, I have problems saying no. But my ALD, who was once my boss, once complained to me during lunch one day, "I can't believe that he told me no, that he couldn't take that project. You never say no! You say yes and then you make it happen even if you aren't the one doing the work. Delegate." My next goal starting in January is to build a team of project managers. Ones I know and trust and who can adapt to my style (if needed) and who can help me with the nearly $8M worth of projects I am presently sitting on with hopes for another few mill on top of that for the coming year.

Given all this, you would think my management would call it a good year for me. Wrong. After two years of exceeding expectations, I have apparently faltered.

I call it that I am being punished for the above issue concerning my coworker. He is the "popular" one in my group.

I can't quite figure out how I can be an author on more papers, have more deliverables, be in higher demand, but have dropped a couple notches in my manager's perspectives. This whole review process has never made much sense to me.

I made a snap decision the other day. Actually it was a decision I have been mulling over for a year and have discussed with my mentor and a few other people in higher ranking positions. But after reading my review I made the snap decision to jump ship over to the manager ladder. After all, it is those requirements that I am meeting, not the scientist ones so much anymore. According to my mentor I am functioning two levels above the manager level I map to. Time to make that change and start receiving credit for my work.

So at the first of the year I become one of the pointy haired sorts.

The other change? Early this fall I made the decision to drop to less than full time. But... I take a lot of calls at home. I always have a surplus of hours (I haven't had to actually USE vacation time for anything until this two weeks off). And I have 3-4 trips coming up this spring, which becomes a sink for hours typically speaking.

When I made the change my management told me, "just make sure you are getting paid for the hours you are working".

I need to either turn off, or get paid for it. And it is hard, so very hard, to turn it off. Especially when I have big deliverables and procurements to approve and visiting scientists that I am hosting who need things. I will be working from home the rest of my hours and going back to full time starting in February.

So there it is. My work update. And bits of updates on my kids. More on them to come over the next few days!