Finding permanency

One of the hardest things about the past few weeks and finding this house we liked was hearing that nagging thought in the back of my head.

"We are here for the long haul. We are not moving to Anchorage or Colorado. Or for that matter Seattle or Portland."

Since moving here nearly six years ago I don't think we saw ourselves as permanent here. On the flip side I don't think we saw ourselves as not potentially permanent here either. It was just kind of out there floating - what if? What other options do we have? At the time, not many.

Sometimes it was annoying in that I wanted permanency. I wanted stability. Other times it was reassuring to think we could pack up and move anywhere we wanted on a whim.

I don't have many whims. Neither does AB. But the ability was still there. You know the same reason you keep your passports ready handy... just in case you decide to go skiing in the Swiss Alps on a whim. (Ignoring the fact your kids don't have passports and that you aren't going anywhere without them...)

This seems to have been brought about mostly by the fact that my husband, for the first time since moving here, has a permanent, good paying job he likes with a great company. As of last October, our talk of moving someplace "better", closer to family, etc., seems to have fallen off.

Then that house came along.

And that nagging feeling of, if we do this, we are cementing ourselves.

Cement can be broken of course. It is hard, and sometimes painful to pull your feet out. But it can be done.

It all basically culminated in a discussion Sunday night while we were fixing dinner.

"What do you want to do about a house," AB asked me in the same breath as asking me if we were going to go to church on Easter Sunday given how Palm Sunday had gone with our children not so interested in the service.

And in typical NM style I flipped the question back to him. (Skipping over the Easter question.)

He hmmm's.

"It's obvious that we need to do something and make a decision," I told him. "We need to forge a path forward, we want to forge a path forward. So the question becomes do you want to build, or buy used?"

"I want to build," he said.

And there, it was done.

Nearly.

But I had one more question.

"And you are fine with being here long term?" I asked him.

"Well I am not looking for jobs, are you?" he asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"Nope," I said.

"Then let's get things moving," he said.

A decision was made in record time.

That's not to say I am not sitting here wondering if it is the best decision. If we aren't going to look back someday and wish we had bailed when we had the less invested, before the kids were in school. What kills me in making this decision is that it isn't about "places", the place we live in or the place we don't live, but instead it is about our families.

Frankly, it sucks not to have family nearby. We have friends and we are becoming rooted in the community that we are both growing to enjoy. But nothing replaces your real family.

One of the single best things I ever did was to leave Colorado. I grew up a lot in many ways. AB and I learned to rely on each other and we cemented our relationship (more talk about cement...). The sibling rivalry we both grew up with faded and we were really able to become happy as individuals and a couple with few external factors.

I grew out of my high school days of "who said what about who" and there was no longer the need to look over my shoulder wondering who I was going to run into while wandering Olde Town Fort Collins. Something happens when you leave your old stomping ground.

Before having kids, we were happy to live away from our families. However, seeing our kids grow up having to be reintroduced to grandma and grandpa with every visit is hard. Not having built in babysitters for special occasions or weekend getaways is a bummer. And I wish my kids knew their cousins.

But webcams help with getting to know grandma and grandpa. (Leif told grandma when she left the other day she needed to buy a computer - truth be told she just needs to hook up the webcam she has had for over a year now.) I can pay for a babysitter who does exactly what I tell them to and would never bribe my kids with candy. And how often would we really go on weekend getaways by ourselves? AB and I both grew up with very few cousins and only seeing them on a rare occasion most of the time.

Our obstacles are not insurmountable and we are enjoying a new phase of vacationing with grandma and grandpa. A luxury afforded to us by having good jobs with time in for lots of vacation days.

I won't deny that a fear of the unknown and knowing the grass isn't always greener on the other side doesn't play a little into our remaining here. AB and I are at a place in our lives where we can't afford to take large risks. Financial security and job security are priorities with our young family.