Monday, November 28, 2005

The Grass is Always Greener...

I am back to work today. Leif was SO excited to leave this morning. He wanted to carry his lunchbox to the car this morning at 7am. (We don’t leave till 8am.) I guess he was ready to get back to the routine, either that or mommy is just boring (or mean).

I go through a lot of guilt regularly that I am not a SAHM or at least that I don’t choose to work only part time. I worry that my son will grow up a bully and detached from family all because I did not stay home with him. I worry I am shortchanging him. I worry about how his life will be when he is in grade school and it is the summer and he doesn’t get to stay home during the day, the way I did.

Then I have weeks like last week that jolts me back to reality. I loved my week at home, I really did. But coming into work today was like a breath of fresh air. On Wednesday Leif and I went to Barnes and Noble. I took a lead from one of V’s comments about making Barnes and Noble an outing. Mom can get a latte and Leif can browse books. “Browse books”, boy am I funny. More like run from one end of the store to the other squealing and giggling while shoppers scowl at me as I chase him trying damn hard not to spill my precious Gingerbread latte.

It is days like the past five that bring me back to reality and make me realize that I am just not SAHM material. (We can debate the working part time one easily…) But life as a SAHM might just send both Leif and I right over the edge of sanity.

So far today, in the 4 hours I have been here I have not told a single person to “sit down on your bottom”. I have an important meeting in an hour… let’s just hope it doesn’t slip out of my lips to my division director.

It takes one hell of a lot of energy to be a SAHM. After the first day, I had exhausted my list of “things to do with Leif”, and I had four more days left. We went on many walks, we fingerpainted, we played in the yard (among the loads of dog crap, ick), we played Little People, we stacked Wedgits, we read books (The Belly Button Book by Boynton was read at least 23 times a day, no joke) we watched WAY too much Baby Einstein (because *I* needed the break). And at the end of each day I was exhausted, sheer exhaustion. Every SAHM has always had my admiration, I offer even more after staying home with my very busy 16 month old.

Being a working mom, for the most part is easy. (At least for me, I realize this is not the case for everyone.) I drop Leif at his Montessori school where he adheres to a strict schedule all the while having fun. He loves it there and I adore his teachers. I come into work, sometimes stopping for a latte on my way in (where my only worries with spilling it come in how big of a klutz I can be while unlocking my office door).

I sit at my desk and return e-mails, make phone calls and decide what I am doing for the day, when any meetings might be are, and schedule meetings as needed. This carries me for an hour or sometimes two. Then I might go work in the lab, or I might have a paper or proposal that needs writing. I might have data analysis at my desk to do. Or maybe I need to prepare my weekly teleconference. I do realize that I am lucky here, and that this flexibility in my job is partly what enables me to really enjoy what I do and that keeps me wanting to come back here.

So now, give me 3 months and I am sure I will be back to doubting myself as a working out of the home mom. But right now, I am fine with it.

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