When I was about Leif’s age I was playing in my backyard with two of the neighbor girls, Dani and Jennifer, and the neighbor boy, Brandon. Brandon declared a rule:
“Whoever says me first, gets to marry me.”
I have never been terribly quick with my tongue and suffice to say I came in last. I stormed in crying and went to my dad explaining the situation. His reply was, “well why would you want to marry Brandon, he’s just a goofy kid from down the street?”
Brandon moved away or didn’t come around much after that, not sure which. I don’t remember what happened to him he just quit coming around shortly after that.
And I survived.
Leif seems to have a bit of a crush.
He is bound and determined that he is going to marry Niranjana, our good friends’ daughter. Trouble is that Niranjana has other plans.
“I am going to marry Ken,” she announces routinely.
At 6 years old I never thought I would see my son aiming to “break up” other kids!
“What does it mean to ‘break them up’?” I asked. He couldn’t possibly understand dating and boyfriend and girlfriend, could he?
“It means I don’t want them to get married, I want to break them up so they don’t get married,” he replied.
I have listed off all the reasons in the world why we just don’t need to worry about this right now.
… “but Niranjana’s mom says she can’t get married until she goes to college and I think that is a good idea too”…
… “there are so many other people out there, you will meet other people, other girls you might want to marry”…
… “it is a long time till you need to worry about who you will marry”…
(Leif replied the other day that this past year has gone by faster than the others he remembers, so he is going to need to worry about it sooner than we all thought… he has no idea how right he is.)
Nothing helps.
I went and picked Leif up the other day and the kids were all in the same room. Niranjana and Ken were coloring and Niranjana was leading the conversation.
“See Ken is from China and I am from India and so that makes us a perfect match!” (Chuckled to myself at this line of reasoning.)
Leif asked me the other day if he colored his hair black if I thought Niranjana might want to marry him.
Maybe I was getting a bit tired of this obsession. I broke loose and started on the long conversation about why would you want to marry a person who doesn’t want to marry you? Everyone deserves to marry someone who thinks that they are their perfect match regardless of hair color or anything else. Then I added – because I know that what a mom thinks bears heavily on her son’s mind (ha ha ha) – “Leif, I love your strawberry blonde hair and if you ever color it black it would make me so sad.”
He gave up the obsession for a day.
Finally yesterday a line of reasoning that might make sense to Leif entered. And it came from Niranjana.
“Niranjana says that we CAN’T marry each other because we are cousins!” he announced.
I could try and clarify… then I thought wiser of this and decided I would just take this for now.
Showing posts with label Leif's friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Leif's friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Best friends 4-year-old style
I asked Leif in the car on the way home who his best friends are.
"N and C," he replies without missing a step.
I knew this. But I have been probing trying to figure out the friendship dynamics going on when he had a bad day the other day and was in tears regarding friends. Seems that he told on his closest friend, B, in class the other day. B got in trouble and told Leif he was not his friend anymore and was never going to play with him ever again. This broke Leif's heart.
Leif is a stickler for rules and making sure everyone follows them. He doesn't understand that this type of thing also won't make him the most popular kid in the class... We have been working on explaining this to him and asking him to be patient with B and give him space and he will probably come around.
Maybe someday.
But not today.
"So who is your best friend in your class?" I asked him.
"Well Zoe is," he says.
I was surprised. "Zoe, really?" I asked.
"Yes, she told me that if I let her cut in line she would be my best friend," he announced.
Immediately I was ticked off at that little chicky. Who does she think she is? And is my boy really going to follow for such female trickery?
I probed Leif for a minute about this. "You didn't let her, did you?" I asked. Leif wouldn't fall for that trick.
"Yes, I let her cut," he said.
"And are you her best friend now? Is she treating you nicely and playing with you on the playground???" I am insisting.
"Well but I am only kinda her best friend now she told me," he says.
I am huffing to myself. That little...
Then Leif goes on, "but that's ok because she is only kinda my best friend too," he assures me.
"N and C," he replies without missing a step.
I knew this. But I have been probing trying to figure out the friendship dynamics going on when he had a bad day the other day and was in tears regarding friends. Seems that he told on his closest friend, B, in class the other day. B got in trouble and told Leif he was not his friend anymore and was never going to play with him ever again. This broke Leif's heart.
Leif is a stickler for rules and making sure everyone follows them. He doesn't understand that this type of thing also won't make him the most popular kid in the class... We have been working on explaining this to him and asking him to be patient with B and give him space and he will probably come around.
Maybe someday.
But not today.
"So who is your best friend in your class?" I asked him.
"Well Zoe is," he says.
I was surprised. "Zoe, really?" I asked.
"Yes, she told me that if I let her cut in line she would be my best friend," he announced.
Immediately I was ticked off at that little chicky. Who does she think she is? And is my boy really going to follow for such female trickery?
I probed Leif for a minute about this. "You didn't let her, did you?" I asked. Leif wouldn't fall for that trick.
"Yes, I let her cut," he said.
"And are you her best friend now? Is she treating you nicely and playing with you on the playground???" I am insisting.
"Well but I am only kinda her best friend now she told me," he says.
I am huffing to myself. That little...
Then Leif goes on, "but that's ok because she is only kinda my best friend too," he assures me.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Gluttons for punishment?
One thing I am trying to convey with Leif is that he does not need to play with kids who aren't nice to him.
There are two little boys in his former classroom who he clashes with big time. Big time. I get to hear about all the bad stuff they do to him at recess on the drive home and when I pick him up and he is on the playground, they come running to me to tell me every transgression of Leif's. I am blowing it off right now because I know that his new teachers ARE dealing with it.
What is killing me though is conveying to Leif that he does not have to be friends with these boys.
I fear he has a little of me in him here. A resistance to let go of someone despite being practically pushed out the door.
When I ask him who he wants to invite to his birthday party - and despite the fact that neither boy invited him to their parties - their names are on the top of the list. He is still only turning four and I have ultimate say on the guest list. Therefore they will not be invited. AB balked a little saying if Leif wanted them there, they should be invited. I reminded him that his party should be fun and not full of interactions that are going to hurt his feelings and he quickly saw the light.
Though they clash - I can still hear the admiration in his voice for them. I can see him looking up to them, longing to play with them.
Are we just gluttons for punishment? We know that we are being pushed away but we still reach out, grasping, despite the pain that rejection brings?
AB is much more matter of fact about it all. "Well if someone doesn't want to include us then do we really want to be included?" It was a refrain his parents said to him many times and one we will say to Leif many times. I am trying to tell myself the answer is a no brainer.
And I see it in Leif's eyes too. The pain of wanting to be included with those boys - the pain of wanting to hear "you are my friend" (which is a major deal to a four year old in declaring that level of commitment) from them. And I stand here thinking to myself that he isn't going to hear it and frankly - I don't want him to hear it from them.
Friendships - even for a four year old they are complicated!
There are two little boys in his former classroom who he clashes with big time. Big time. I get to hear about all the bad stuff they do to him at recess on the drive home and when I pick him up and he is on the playground, they come running to me to tell me every transgression of Leif's. I am blowing it off right now because I know that his new teachers ARE dealing with it.
What is killing me though is conveying to Leif that he does not have to be friends with these boys.
I fear he has a little of me in him here. A resistance to let go of someone despite being practically pushed out the door.
When I ask him who he wants to invite to his birthday party - and despite the fact that neither boy invited him to their parties - their names are on the top of the list. He is still only turning four and I have ultimate say on the guest list. Therefore they will not be invited. AB balked a little saying if Leif wanted them there, they should be invited. I reminded him that his party should be fun and not full of interactions that are going to hurt his feelings and he quickly saw the light.
Though they clash - I can still hear the admiration in his voice for them. I can see him looking up to them, longing to play with them.
Are we just gluttons for punishment? We know that we are being pushed away but we still reach out, grasping, despite the pain that rejection brings?
AB is much more matter of fact about it all. "Well if someone doesn't want to include us then do we really want to be included?" It was a refrain his parents said to him many times and one we will say to Leif many times. I am trying to tell myself the answer is a no brainer.
And I see it in Leif's eyes too. The pain of wanting to be included with those boys - the pain of wanting to hear "you are my friend" (which is a major deal to a four year old in declaring that level of commitment) from them. And I stand here thinking to myself that he isn't going to hear it and frankly - I don't want him to hear it from them.
Friendships - even for a four year old they are complicated!
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