The fuzzy line - social engineering

When I was a kid, our neighbor on one side was a grandmother whose granddaughter would visit every summer for a few weeks. I loved when Dani would come to town. We had a special kinship. As I got a bit older, my school friends would come over and we would have a group play. But my mom saw that friendship with Dani waning as the other girls would talk about school happenings, other friends, things that Dani didn't know about. So not all the time, but occasionally, and more towards the end of Dani's stay at her grandmother's each year, my mom would tell my other friends that they couldn't play with us. At first I told my mom it was rude. She told me that they were being rude persisting in talking about things that Dani didn't know about. It took me awhile to get that.

But gasp - she would turn them away! It was about intent though, she wasn't trying to exclude the other girls, she was trying to protect and foster inclusiveness with Dani. But I can see how a mom on the sidelines would have seen this as my mom trying to social engineer my friendships or not be inclusive to their girls.

This morning I read a nice blog post about the social engineering of girl's friendships at that vulnerable time in their lives (mostly tween). The author gave pretty extreme examples - or maybe it is just because my daughter isn't to that point yet that made them seem extreme! (Like a mom sneaking onto a bus and securing seats so one posse of girls could sit together and telling other girls they couldn't sit with them.)

I thought the author made a number of excellent points, but I did quibble a bit when reading. In order to combat the social engineering and to foster an everyone is welcome concept, the author decided to start having large parties, where everyone is invited. Wonderful! Super! I got an inkling that she was aiming at "can't always do that all the time", but she didn't really say it. My impression was that it would go too far against her main point.

I would love to invite everyone over all the time. But it is not feasible for my house, my family, nor my wallet. There are times I want to have one family over. Or two families over. Or 5. I have made the decisions to limit the number of people invited over for any occasion based upon what I can mentally handle as an introvert, or who we may have things we want to chat about with, or it's our turn to host, or the food I have for dinner will only feed one (or two) more families.

We are planning our annual Halloween party and we are being forced to make cuts. I just don't have the space or the ability to be a good host with an unlimited invite list. And in order to have organized kids games, I can't include everyone my kids want to invite. It sucks. But I have to say, "I am sorry we can't invite her". I wish I had another option, but I am not renting a warehouse.

I wish I was in the mood to open my house all the time. But I am not. And I don't expect my kids to be either. The line has to be drawn and people, including other kids, will at times feel excluded and I am sorry for that. But it is life. My kids have felt excluded at times as well - we have a variety of friends and they by all means should get together without us. It used to bother my kids to hear about it - which they did because kids talk, but we taught them over the years that they don't need to be involved in everything. Just because you weren't included doesn't mean they don't like you, it means there are limits in life, which frankly, is reality. And at their ages, it doesn't seem to bother them so much anymore.

So anyways. I don't think the author's point was that we should include everyone all the time. But I think it bears mentioning that we also shouldn't feel bad about extending invitations to what is only within our reach for whatever reason. I was one of the kids on the outside, I know how it feels, it isn't my intention to do that to another child. I think it is important to distinguish our intents. Are we being hurtful in excluding, if so, we must step back.

So flipping the coin - we have a neighbor two doors up with a daughter Skadi's age. They were in kindergarten together. We speak to them on occasion when out and about, they have set foot in our house. But the girls can't play.

We have new neighbors on one side with a second grade daughter and she and her kindergarten cousin come over regularly and play. On the other side are grandparents with a kindergarten grandson and second grade granddaughter who are also over regularly. Add in another kindergartener two doors down. It is a great afternoon when there are seven kids out running between the four houses. My extrovert daughter thrives.

But down one more house is that family with a 2nd grader who isn't allowed to play. I feel bad for her. She has to see the six kids out running amuck and laughing and squealing. But her mom won't let her out the door to play.

Despite this, I did keep sending my daughter up, "why don't you see if Sarah wants to join in too?" And Skadi goes and knocks on the door and returns solo. I used to send her up once a week. It is more like once a month now.

But recently my daughter came back and said, "Sarah's mom is mean."

I am thinking she is a bit odd (aren't we all) and overprotective and might have some mental issues, but I ask why she is mean?

"Well she just opens the door and yells 'NO!' at me before I can even ask if Sarah can play with us," Skadi tells me.

That pisses me off. Don't yell at my child for trying to be inclusive of all the second grade girls on our street!

So we have quit asking Sarah to play as of this week because I will not force my daughter to interact with an adult who doesn't respect her enough to even be kind. And heaven help me if I ever hear that Sarah "isn't included".

Feeling the neighborhood love

Or not.

When AB and I were looking for our second home we weren't terribly particular with neighborhoods. We just wanted a nice home and really, in our part of the town, anything was open to us as we just wanted to be in the South end of the city.

When we found our house we didn't really think about the temple on the corner of a particular religious persuassion. Maybe we should have thought about that we were living in "Temple Meadows".

When I tell people where I live I can easily say, "behind the temple" and people know where we are. I have had more than one person say, "oh, are you XXX religion?" Maybe we should have known? Or maybe we were just naive.

Honestly I don't know how many of our neighbors are of that particular religion.

I believe this is partly because after just over two years in our home, we don't know our neighbors.

In our old neighborhood we knew the first names of our neighbors on each side, their kids and families up and down the street. We had two teenagers ready to babysit and knew that the guy four houses down was running for Mayor. We met and banded together to oppose construction of an apartment complex behind us as well as to request that a builder who came in to develop the last two lots in our neighborhood follow the code established (that required that 1/3 of the front of the house be in rock or brick). We were a community.

I don't get that in our new neighborhood. We know our neighbors immediately adjacent on one side alright, an elderly couple who are quite sweet and very helpful with RV and yard questions. And I know the family down from them only a little. Their kids are staggered from ours and the oldest isn't terribly interested in playing with someone 18 months younger than him and their youngest has a weird and vocal aversion to girls.

Yeah, we don't do much with them.

It isn't like we hide in our house. We walk most evenings around the neighborhood. We sit out on our patio and the kids play in the yard.

Still I feel as though the neighbors walk a wide berth.

I have wondered if it is because we aren't one of "them". (The ones who attend the temple.)

Or if we just live in an unfriendly neighborhood?

This blog has been rolling around in my head for a few months. Maybe even a year. How do I write this without whining. Or seeming like I am opposed to their religious persuassion (I think I blogged about Leif stating that Darth Vadar lived in the temple.)

Tonight kind of kicked it over that edge.

We were out for our evening walk and walked down a street that we walk maybe once or twice a month. Skadi was on her trike (as she is boycotting the bike with training wheels we were loaned), Leif was walking and the dogs were ambling along. A woman came out of her house.

AB: "Hello, what a lovely evening!"

Witch: "I don't like you or your dogs because they poop in my yard."

Umm hello to you too.

Nope. My dogs don't poop in your yard. They might walk there on occasion. But they don't poop there.

Rudeness? My neighborhood has it.

Sanity anyone?

I am all for preparing in advance for Christmas. I make my lists early, I start shopping fairly early. By December I am usually done and can enjoy the parties.

Remember that house down the street that AB coveted? Well it sold and a nice family about our age moved in there.

And they put up their Christmas lights last weekend.

Icicle lights all over the house.

What is up with that?