The newest goal

This goal blindsided me out of nowhere. Bam! Tonight it hit me though.

I will start by saying that I am not a people person. A friend recently told me that he built a cabin and (since he is single) spent 4 days there by himself. This friend is a social person, so it kind of made sense that he said he started to lose it four days disconnected. I admitted to him that I crave that. And AB and I fully plan to have a cabin in the woods to disappear to in the future. I look forward to experiencing that alone-ness. Of course, I have AB, so it would probably be easier than complete solo. Anyways, the fact that I find myself sitting there rolling my eyes half the time about people, doesn't surprise me. It's more the frequency with which I am feeling it lately. My lack of patience with people. And I am tired of feeling this.

I want to think it isn't just me. I had some level of validation last week that it wasn't just me. A high school friend posted about her frustration with social media. The feeling of never measuring up. And I nodded and thought about my life. The toddler who hits and pinches all.the.freaking.time. The dog who drives me insane. My kids ate Top Ramen for dinner. Not getting my daughter to her tutor on time (and yes, my daughter sees a tutor for her reading). The tween boy who is, well, behaving like a tween boy. The house that is never picked up. Feeling dead tired after a day of work. Not getting the exercise I want to get.

And everyone else is perfect. My friend challenged us to keep it real and post what it is really like under her hashtag. And I did. And it was fun and nice to see that someone else burnt the bacon. I like to think that I keep it real and that not all my posts are of perfection. But I am probably as annoying to others as many people on my Friends list are annoying me right now. But it isn't just people who are "friends". It is articles I see that challenge whether I am a good mom. It is the people shaming for dumb ass stuff like parking poorly, or disciplining a child in a store, or not disciplining a child in a store. The list goes on. I believe I am a good mom. But being inundated by it all is just taking a toll.

I thought about deactivating my Facebook account, but I am not quite there yet. I get a lot of information through there like what fruit French's has for picking, my kid's schools PTO, my school district. And even coworkers. I use Facebook messenger at work because I can't have my cell phone at my desk. So I can't cut the cord.

But I can cut my fingers off.

Ok. Seriously. I can't cut my fingers off. I can't even do that thing where you take a needle and put it through your first layer of skin and make it look like you have needles in your fingers. Eww. Can't do it.

But I can quit posting. Instagram I like. I follow a few organizations there (Smithsonian... you must do it) and I enjoy it. My close family members who care if I post the obligatory first day of school pictures are on there and they will get to see those pictures. I will post to Instagram. But I tend to be way more selective with what I post there and everything has to be associated with a picture. I like that.

I also have this page. My blog. The nice thing about a blog is that a person has to actively decide they want to see what you write and go there. Instead of passively showing up on everyone's feeds and annoying people.

I am not going to be absent on Facebook. You may see a Like from me or a stray response. But I need to silence myself before I go in to full on back up behavior on Facebook. I am an Amiable, I can feel my back up Driver emerging. And who all really likes a Driver on Facebook? Yeah, no.

I have Blogger on my phone and I will post here when I feel the need to share. I have been meaning to post more here because I have so much history recorded here. This new goal should serve to get me back here and maybe break that Facebook addiction.

I was chatting this evening on FB with a friend from high school. One thing we always had in common was a love for music. He told me what he was listening to right now - Sam Cooke - and because I am not a naive young teenager anymore afraid of not knowing something, I admitted that I wasn't familiar with him. My friend then typed "American Idol".

And fear set into my heart. Must change the subject.

And a whole new type of nervousness kicked in... the "I can't admit that I have never seen American Idol" type of nervousness.

Nope. It's true. Never seen American Idol.

I blogged recently about how AB and I have dropped off the face of the planet with respect to TV.

Thanks to Facebook I knew to set the Tivo for Top Chef - though I am certain that Rachel or Vanessa would have clued me in. I also knew that a new season of Entourage would be starting soon.

AB says we don't watch TV because we have a crappy CRT TV.

Yes, we do have a 12 year old or so CRT TV, but the thing works. And plus, we never watch it.

My mom was an avid TV watcher. And she admitted it proudly too - she loved watching TV. When I was a kid our evenings were filled with watching TV. Cosby Show, Different Strokes, Mork and Mindy, Dallas, Charlie's Angels... you name it, we were there.

After my mom passed away we opted to do a few things in her memory. One was to plant some roses in our garden and get a stepping stone to create a living memorial to her.

The other was to bite the bullet and buy a new TV. This one pleased my husband greatly. But really, last I saw my mom she said to me, "I don't understand, high def TV's just AREN'T that expensive anymore!" I didn't tell her we just never watched TV, though I think it was obvious when I hadn't seen any of the HGTV episodes and admitted to having never seen a long list of shows she watched.

So really, it was an appropriate thing to do.

AB researched what "we" wanted. And then one night a little over a week ago we sat down and placed the order for the top of the line, 50" Panasonic Plasma TV. And a blu ray. And a new receiver with DVR. And an articulating mounting arm.

We are going to get back on the TV bandwagon one way or another!!

We thought that was going to happen this weekend.

I came home over lunch today to receive this nice, nifty new TV from the shipping company that drove it over to our little town from "the west side".

They unloaded it, brought it in, unpacked it.

Then the driver sat shaking his head.

"It's broken," he announced.

"What?" I asked.

He beckoned me to the other side of the TV and there before me was a massive crack across the screen.

"Wow." I said.

"That's a shame," the driver said.

"Wow," I said.

The driver picked up his phone and called the distributing warehouse to tell them it was refused for the crack. He pointed to the Amazon.com number for me to call at the same time. I did, and told them it was refused.

They quickly credited the account, but told me since it was a third party seller fulfilled by Amazon I would have to go reorder it online, they could not simply replace it.

That... has proven more difficult than I anticipated since it appears that cracked TV may have been the last one on earth like it. Or at least the last one on earth for what my husband deemed to be an appropriate price to pay.

Ok, so back to the point. Appears our foray back into watching TV? Delayed.

But someday? I will know who Sam Cooke is, or what the flap is about Cougar Town, and I can even see myself delving into Pawn Stars. (Which is about as appropriate as my mom's love for "Ice Road Truckers".) Maybe I will return to getting my Adam and Jamie fix? Big Love was supposed to redeem me this past year and make me love TV again. Top Chef will make me want to go cook. What is going to make me want to waste my time in front of the TV instead of on the internet?

Wrapping my head around it all

This is going to be one of those random posts. I really intend to get back to posting somthing more than stream of consciousness posts soon here. (I have one in the works about my least favorite Christmas song that will thrill AB because he will no longer be the sole recipient of my heated vent....) But right now stream of consciousness is about where my head is. So bear with me through this post. Or click away because I don't have anything earth shattering or profound to report.

I think I could be emerging from my holiday funk. Something about singing "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" every night with Leif in the car has helped. And hearing Skadi squeal "SANTA" repeatedly on the way home helps too! I love that she points to the Christmas tree and proclaims, "pretty".

It has been a weird week and out of the ordinary things continue to pop up. Some good, some not so good.

High:
I have been nearly buried at work since returning on Thursday. Relief came on Monday at noon when my proposal was finally out of my hands. I have had a good start to FY09 with proposal writing. Four major proposals out to two agencies. All made the first cut. Two are pending thumbs up or down for funding and two are pending a second cut for full proposal - the despised format - 20 pages. If they both make it I will be seriously banging my head against the wall. All this aside from my big project that just doubled in size again. Loved hearing my client say, "I went ahead and doubled your project management budget, you are going to need it."

Low:
Skadi has seemed happy to return to school, if not a little "exuberant" about her return. As her teacher put it... "she is in a great mood, but for some reason thinks that everyone needs to be tackled, hit, pinched or bitten". Which sounds freakishly like her cousin who she spent a fair amount of time with in Colorado. I love my nephew... but wow is he rough. It would be terribly boring if everyone was raised the same, my way isn't the only way, but something is so not working there and I fear that the pending divorce isn't going to help the situation out at all. And I will leave that there.

High:
We got our family pictures! My SIL did a really fantastic job on them and I can't wait to get the prints we ordered.

Plain Weird:
I have really enjoyed recently reconnecting with old friends through Facebook and occasionally Classmates. Ever have one of those contacts though that just throws you for a loop? Yeah, I have had a few of those lately. Another statement I will just leave there - at least for right now.

High:
One funny episode today - I had my first "celebrity sighting". Ok, I am boosting myself up by calling it that. But I actually met a guy whose first statement to me while shaking my hand is, "I love your blog, we have a three year old son and..." I think I must have had the most bewildered look on my face when he told me this.

Low:
And some bad news came this evening when we have learned that one of our closest friends in the area has recently been diagnosed with a form of cancer. We are hoping and praying for a complete recovery.

High:
Leif has turned into a really pleasant little boy this December. I am quite sure it is Mina the Elf's oversight in our house and the slight mention of Santa's pending visit. But something has clicked with him and the kids is just tops.

Plain Weird:
That would be my husband's Christmas party Saturday night. The food was abysmally bad and apparently we missed the annual drunken brawl. Darn.

High:
One of my closest girlfriend's is pregnant with her second baby which just thrills me to pieces! New baby smell on its way next summer!

Low:
I had to go to management about one of my friends. Hate that. She was assigned a task by a client. She was reminded of the task by sector management. She was reminded about the task by line management. I pinged her a few weeks ago. Dropped the ball completely. Maybe even dropped off the face of the earth as I have not heard word one from her. I hated to do it, but I presented the issue to management and they are pursuing it. Ugh. I guess it is something I need to get used to as PM. I am not always the nice one.

High:
After Charter Communications completely messed up our phone service (low, btw) we should be up and running with our same home phone in a few days. Thank you Vonage.

I am starting to feel less overwhelmed by the holiday season. Controlling it and organizing it. It is within my grasp.

This week: Secret Santa gifts will go out and I will continue wrapping.
Saturday: Trip to hear the Polar Express read by a friend, pictures with Santa.
Sunday: Christmas cookie decorating. Nanaimo bars. Christmas cards finished.
Next week: Remainder of gifts mailed and cards will go out.

I think I have decided to take the week of Christmas off (unless those two proposals make the cut). My plan is to work on getting stuff done around the house, buy groceries for a Christmas feast, and take one day to devote it to spending with Leif. We are going to go see a movie and hang out together. When Skadi is older I will plan to do this with her too - one day for each kid completely devoted to them on their day. I can't wait!