Thursday, August 27, 2015

The newest goal

This goal blindsided me out of nowhere. Bam! Tonight it hit me though.

I will start by saying that I am not a people person. A friend recently told me that he built a cabin and (since he is single) spent 4 days there by himself. This friend is a social person, so it kind of made sense that he said he started to lose it four days disconnected. I admitted to him that I crave that. And AB and I fully plan to have a cabin in the woods to disappear to in the future. I look forward to experiencing that alone-ness. Of course, I have AB, so it would probably be easier than complete solo. Anyways, the fact that I find myself sitting there rolling my eyes half the time about people, doesn't surprise me. It's more the frequency with which I am feeling it lately. My lack of patience with people. And I am tired of feeling this.

I want to think it isn't just me. I had some level of validation last week that it wasn't just me. A high school friend posted about her frustration with social media. The feeling of never measuring up. And I nodded and thought about my life. The toddler who hits and pinches all.the.freaking.time. The dog who drives me insane. My kids ate Top Ramen for dinner. Not getting my daughter to her tutor on time (and yes, my daughter sees a tutor for her reading). The tween boy who is, well, behaving like a tween boy. The house that is never picked up. Feeling dead tired after a day of work. Not getting the exercise I want to get.

And everyone else is perfect. My friend challenged us to keep it real and post what it is really like under her hashtag. And I did. And it was fun and nice to see that someone else burnt the bacon. I like to think that I keep it real and that not all my posts are of perfection. But I am probably as annoying to others as many people on my Friends list are annoying me right now. But it isn't just people who are "friends". It is articles I see that challenge whether I am a good mom. It is the people shaming for dumb ass stuff like parking poorly, or disciplining a child in a store, or not disciplining a child in a store. The list goes on. I believe I am a good mom. But being inundated by it all is just taking a toll.

I thought about deactivating my Facebook account, but I am not quite there yet. I get a lot of information through there like what fruit French's has for picking, my kid's schools PTO, my school district. And even coworkers. I use Facebook messenger at work because I can't have my cell phone at my desk. So I can't cut the cord.

But I can cut my fingers off.

Ok. Seriously. I can't cut my fingers off. I can't even do that thing where you take a needle and put it through your first layer of skin and make it look like you have needles in your fingers. Eww. Can't do it.

But I can quit posting. Instagram I like. I follow a few organizations there (Smithsonian... you must do it) and I enjoy it. My close family members who care if I post the obligatory first day of school pictures are on there and they will get to see those pictures. I will post to Instagram. But I tend to be way more selective with what I post there and everything has to be associated with a picture. I like that.

I also have this page. My blog. The nice thing about a blog is that a person has to actively decide they want to see what you write and go there. Instead of passively showing up on everyone's feeds and annoying people.

I am not going to be absent on Facebook. You may see a Like from me or a stray response. But I need to silence myself before I go in to full on back up behavior on Facebook. I am an Amiable, I can feel my back up Driver emerging. And who all really likes a Driver on Facebook? Yeah, no.

I have Blogger on my phone and I will post here when I feel the need to share. I have been meaning to post more here because I have so much history recorded here. This new goal should serve to get me back here and maybe break that Facebook addiction.

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