Hero Worship Part Deux

I have been meaning to blog my Hero Worship Part 2 post longer than I even had Part 1 in my brain. That would make this one really Part 1 and the other really Part 2... but whatever. Anyways, time to sit down and write it out has not been on my side.

A few weeks ago, V sent me a notice that a professor from my alma mater would be giving a presentation here at work. I was thrilled to see that it was not only one of my former professors at the university, but one of my heroes, Dr. L.

He was my physical chemistry professor and saved me from a mid-college-career major change. I had struggled through Organic Chemistry and was ready to ditch chemistry, but didn't know for what yet. In my floundering, I decided to remain in chemistry until I could figure it all out.

I knew from day one that we were lucky to have him for a professor. He was an easy going, friendly man who smiled a lot, waved his hands a lot (both literally and figuratively) and was in a position to make the "choice" to teach or not. Not many professors are in this position at a University and from my first visit to his office I suspected he was someone who had done a lot in his career thus far since his office was on the top floor of the JILA tower with amazing views of Boulder. Oh and he had a secretary. No professors I knew had their own secretary.

He told me early on that chemistry was taught in the wrong order. It is more logical to teach Physical Chemistry after General Chemistry and before Organic Chemistry. However, that would make a chemistry major a year longer because of the Calculus requirements to take PChem. This gave me a little comfort that it wasn't just me that struggled for more understanding of the fundamentals. He told me a number of times that I just needed to accept some hand waving and quit looking for the deep reasons behind it all... for now.

I fell in love with my major again after learning Physical Chem from him. I graduated and after a two year sabbatical made my way to grad school.

About mid-way through my stint in grad school, my hero professor was awarded an honor from my section's ACS meeting and I went to hear his talk and have dinner with him. His seminar was wonderful, just as I had remembered him speak from 6 years prior and he even swore up and down he remembered me. He even remembered AB (who then kicked himself for not attending the talk and dinner). (AB and I first met in Physical Chemistry - of course at that point I was dating another guy.)

I arrived at his recent seminar about 10 minutes early on purpose. I walked in to the empty auditorium with just a few scientists standing around. I walked up to the front of the auditorium and introduced myself. He still swore he remembered me from his class and from my time at UNR. I was initially inclined to not believe him - how could he possibly remember me - nobody remembers me!! But then again, the guy is an amazing genius - maybe he does remember me, I thought to myself. We talked a touch about my research and then I made my way to an edge seat for his seminar. A few people I knew came in - were surprised to see me there (I am applied scientist, not a fundamental scientist, I don't often get time for the folly of seminars... kidding, our speakers just tend to be of a different flavor I suppose).

I knew they were wondering what I was doing there and I happily announced that he was my former professor. I immediately became the subject of a few minutes of murmuring around me.

20 minutes later was when I started calling into question the possibility of him really remembering me, along with being happy that I selected an edge seat.

It saddened me to see his seminar wasn't animated like our lectures used to be, that certain slides he flipped to and had no idea what they were, so he would flip to the next and look for something familiar. He was always a fast talker, but even that is gone. When the seminar was an hour and 15 minutes in I had to make the decision to get up and leave since I had work to do.

I was reminded that he is well into his 70's. Absolutely - he was no spring chicken when he was my professor in 1992-93.

Still he remains my hero.

Part 4

I am feeling pangs of "homesickness" this morning as I watch the CU versus Nebraska game at "home" in Boulder. Seeing the snow fall and the students cheering has taken me back. I hesitate to call it "homesickness", because this is my home and I have lived outside of Colorado as an adult longer than I lived in Colorado. But there is something about seeing your old stomping ground, and the current generation of students living this time in their lives.

AB feels it too. He asked me a few minutes ago if we moved back to Colorado, would we live in Boulder or somewhere on the outskirts? I said I didn't know, probably the outskirts, we probably couldn't afford to live in Boulder, plus we have been there done that. He paused a little and said he thought he could do Boulder again. This shocked me coming from my conservative husband. "Boulder has a lot to offer," he said.

I look at my family. AB cheering "Touchdown CU!" (every few minutes because evidently both defenses suck rocks). Seeing Leif play with my Christmas village (that we set up this morning - he is putting all the animals and people to sleep and waking them up "get your blankey off" - oh wait that one is going to sleep some more...), and seeing Skadi in AB's arms. Things are so different now, but so much better in many ways. Still my time at CU, meeting my husband, was a great time of my life.

So back to my story...

-------------

So we had left the Dark Horse and walked back to his dorm room to get my stuff and he kissed me.

I liked him, he kissed me, we were on our way! Or so I thought.

He told me later that he didn't want a relationship, was not ready for one and was just plain too busy for a relationship. Plus, it was just a really bad idea as lab partners to date each other.

Darn it, he had his head on straight and knew what he wanted. This was somewhat unusual to me with a guy I liked. I was disappointed, but vowed we could be just friends. I knew in my heart I could change him. He had kissed me after all. I knew there was something there.

Halloween and the big football game was coming up. Nebraska versus CU... at home. It was huge. Still is huge. This was before the game was moved to the day after Thanksgiving. It used to be Halloween weekend... in Boulder... combine that with the then recent backlash from killing the Mall Crawl and you had a weekend of craziness in Boulder.

AB not only made sure I was attending, but knowing the parking situation, walked down to meet me and walk back up to the game. It was a great game and afterwards we went to the bar where AB and I did some walloping up ourselves in the form of foosball.

We were a great team and obviously destined to be together (again I thought).

That night he kissed me again.

Had I won him over this time? Oh and I can't even remember if the Buffs stomped the Cornhuskers or not. See where my mind was?

A couple days later after working on lab reports he asked me if I was interested in going to see Miss Saigon with him? A date! A real date! Not a football game! I said I would love to. Then wondered a little about this guy who was proposing to take me to a musical. Guy... musical... guy... musical... oh no, I thought. Was I setting myself up for hurt? Was this guy really... umm... gay?

My mom was excited I would get to see Miss Saigon, I was excited to be with this Alaska Boy on a real date.

I worried about what to wear. I was upset with myself that the nicest coat I had (since wearing my ski coat to a musical wasn't going to work) was a green fleece thing. (I laugh now at how I neurosed about this knowing that my husband is so not clothing concerned.) I thought back to the "other" ChemE major from Alaska and his regular comments to me on what I should select to wear to certain events.

The date wasn't exactly what I was expecting being that my husband was taking his residents in the dorm hall to the musical. So there were plenty of fellow students around and we rode a bus to the theater. But still, I was thrilled. It was our first real date in mid-November 1993.

Miss Siagon was great. I am dying to see it again still. I was so surprised that this Alaska Boy enjoyed the musical so much as well.

He told me afterwards that he decided that we could now date as the semester's close was near and we would no longer be lab partners.

I had a boyfriend! I had a boyfriend that didn't mind going to musicals (in fact he liked them), he was kind and considerate and knew what he wanted. What could go wrong now?

Nothing, I thought. I didn't have visions of us marrying each other. I was living in the moment. Who knew what would happen when we graduated? I didn't have any idea what *I* wanted to do when I graduated, how could I even think about this relationship?

I had a boyfriend.

Part 3

We did the typical lab partner blah blah blah. Anyone who has taken a college science lab knows the drill. You are partnered with this person and good or bad, you get to know them very well as you hang out and watch water boil for four hours (minimum) per week.

I found out he was a chemical engineering major from Anchorage, Alaska. Sound familiar? I asked him if he knew my other ChemE friend from our PChem class. Sure enough... turns out their dads worked in the same industry (banking) growing up and they were acquaintances. He also told me the guy was "quite well known" in the engineering department as being a lady's man. I left it at that.

I started going to football games with two of my geek-boy friends. They were fun enough and taught me the rules... "if the ball is moving, no talking".

A few weeks go by and aside from the weird purple pants episode, my lab partner was growing on me. He was good looking and he was smart. He was entertaining to talk to. He was athletic and also enjoyed my favorite sport, volleyball, though he professed a real love for water polo. We talked about our past loves. He was newly out of a relationship and not looking for anything. It had been a year and a half since my last serious relationship (the guy I moved from Fort Collins with) and I was ready. We talked about the upcoming football game and I asked him if I could join him.

He seemed perplexed that I asked if I could watch the game with him but agreed upon a place to meet. He told me he had reserved tickets, but there was always plenty of room to squish in. I looked forward to squishing up next to him.

I bailed on the geek-boys. I showed up and met his engineering buddies and pretended to understand the game in front of me. I even picked up one of the free pom poms on my way in as an effort to show my interest. He was a sweet guy who was thoughtful of me, but darn it, was not showing ANY interest!

I started scooting closer to him in lab classes. Sitting next to him in our associated lecture. Letting my hand linger in pointing out something in his lab notebook. I would stress about what to wear when we would get together to work on our reports. (Would he notice my new Mary Jane Doc Martins? Would he like this brown sweater with a deep V in the front?) I found myself lingering and chatting after working on our reports, dreading the time he would say he either had to do rounds (he was an RA in the dorms) or needed to go to bed. You would have thought *I* never needed to sleep.

He continued to include me in his football plans with his engineering cronies and on away Saturdays I would miss him.

Then finally... one night after working on our lab reports he asked me if I wanted to walk over and get a beer at the bar across the street. I was amped! We went to the bar that was then quiet on that weeknight. The movie Better Off Dead was playing. I knew we were meant to be as we both knew all the lines. ("I want my $2!" ... "He puts his testicles all over me!" She said. "I don't think that word means what you think it means," he would say. ... "This is PURE snow man!")

That night after the beer we walked back to his dorm room in the lightly falling snow. I went to retrieve my lab report materials from his dorm room, and it happened. He kissed me.

I was elated.

To be continued...

(P.S. Purple pants... AB now he professes that he couldn't come to lab in shorts and for some reason had a pair of purple fleece long johns in his bag and put them on under his shorts instead of walking back to his dorm room... makes sense now. I suppose.)

Part 2

So NOW my husband has become interested in reading my blog...

-------------------

That fall I looked forward to a year by myself, exploring the options, dating, or not! I was determined to find out what *I* liked.

It was my year to take Physical Chemistry, which was either going to rescue me as a Chemistry major or be my deciding factor to dump this major too since I loathed Organic Chemistry. I sat in about the third row in the deep pit of a lecture auditorium so I was strategically placed at my professor's eye level.

I was one of "those" students, the ones that always sat in the front.

I was raised that if I wasn't 15 minutes early, I was late. (Imagine how horrifying this is when you are 14 and there is a junior high dance to attend??)

This 9am class was my first of the day and I always arrived early before the doors were opened. A chemical engineer I didn't know always arrived early too. He had an 8am biochemistry class prior to this one and so he was always pretty punctual. We would politely acknowledge each other, but never really say a whole lot as we stood outside the JILA tower auditorium. He was immediately recognizable with his port wine stain on one side of his face. I had noted he was also in my Greek Mythology class and so we would make small talk about that class. Within minutes the people I knew from other classes would arrive, my conversations would switch elsewhere with my friends. The professor would come and open the door and we would file in.

The geek-boy friends I knew sat directly behind me. And nearly everyday, I sat next to the chemical engineer who told me his family was from Anchorage, Alaska. We would smile at each other and one day he asked me out. We dated off and on that year. Then he quit calling which was fine since I got tired of not being good enough or pretty enough or always sticking my foot in my mouth. We did maintain a polite friendship though. He continued sitting beside me... though now I wonder why? Was he copying off me in exams?

The following year when school was getting ready to start and football tickets were on sale I thought maybe I hadn't given him enough of a chance. I decided I was ready for a relationship, and well, he was good looking and nice enough.

I called him and since I knew he would be getting football tickets asked him if he would get mine too. (I had never gotten football tickets before, but thought it was a good excuse to touch base with him again.) He agreed and even rode his bike to my apartment to get my check and information from me. I thought things may be off and running with him again. I was hopeful at least after a year of being single and random dates.

The next Monday morning he gave me my football tickets. One set of general admission student tickets.

Umm what? General admission?

Oh, I thought you could get reserved seating, I mentioned to him.

He informed me that had I wanted reserved I would have had to go and pick out for myself where I wanted to sit. Apparently sitting next to him wasn't going to happen.

I was done.

Classes started my senior year in 1993. I was unsure what life held in front of me as I had just decided I didn't want to go to medical school. I surely didn't have the abilities to do grad school and here I was nearly finished with a degree in chemistry (I had loved Physical Chem by the way).

It was the first day of Physical Chemistry Lab and our TA, Scott, told us to partner up. I looked around dismayed to see my usual lab partners with each other.

You know that slight panic when you realize you are left out? I look over and saw the guy - the chemical engineer - from my PChem 1 class... the one with the port wine stain, who always stood outside the auditorium doors with me, not the one I used to sit by thank goodness.

We kind of nodded at each other, shrugged at each other and wa-la, we were lab partners.

Part 1

Fourteen years ago I started dating my husband to be. I look back now and think about that kid I used to flirt with, how I spelled his last name wrong on our first lab report and he corrected me. How I now spell that same last name for people who are tripped up by the one surprising letter in my otherwise simple last name.

I was a senior in high school bound and determined to leave Colorado for college. I wanted out and wanted to see something new. Despite the advice of my advisor and my mom, I applied only to out of state colleges, UC San Jose, UC Irvine and UC San Francisco. (I could have really used help in picking schools... Irvine is acceptable, of course, but the others? What was I thinking - other than Northern California sounded cool.)

At the last minute I decided I didn't want to leave Colorado.

I panicked and went to my advisor who made two phone calls. One to the admissions department at CU (50 miles down the road) and one to CSU - the college across the street from my high school. CU would give me a place in their music department and I could change majors after that.

What? Sure, 9 years of piano lessons as a kid, but I was not a musician. (I didn't understand colleges so well at 18.) They told me I didn't have to take music classes... but I went with the other option, Colorado State. I was in and good to go in the fall.

Fall arrived.

I dumped my high school boyfriend (who was a year behind me) early that first semester for a guy about 6 years older who I met at my job. We were both at school at CSU and he lived with his parents off campus. Coincidentally I had gone to high school with his little brother too.

Looking back I am not sure what I saw in him. He taught me a lot and I do admit that we had a good time together and he taught me about enjoying good food, he thought he knew a thing or two about wine and started me on the road to enjoying the beverage. He also pushed me over that first hurdle to becoming not so picky anymore. But a romantic relationship wasn't what I needed at that time. I needed to learn how to be by myself. I knew this in the back of my head, but it was a scary thing. So I ignored it.

(But I did like his family a lot! I still wonder how they are.)

One day he told me that he had been thinking... he said he was 24 years old and didn't want to live in his parent's basement and go to school there anymore. He wanted a better business school and was planning to go to CU.

I was upset he had just made the decision without asking me what I wanted. After a long discussion with him, thinking by myself and a talk with my mom I decided I too would switch to CU after my first year. I am not a person that takes change lightly. I knew that CU was where I really wanted to be, it was a better school for my major and a "cooler" town than the one I grew up in (which town isn't cooler than the one you grew up in?) and my mom encouraged me to go there, to expand my horizons, but I was still scared. (And I was going to move to California the year before??)

We up and moved. We had a townhouse together, two bedrooms I insisted and he was fine with that. (What kind of college relationship has two bedrooms where you actually stay in the seperate rooms?) I should have known this relationship wasn't for me when we were setting out to decide what we wanted for a place to live. Hindsite is 20-20.

About four months later, it was over. We resumed being friends, which was what we always should have been. And since neither of us could afford to move, or keep the townhouse by ourselves, we existed peacefully until our first years at CU were over. That spring my mom came down to help me find a one bedroom apartment and I set out to be single for one year. I was determined to find out who I was and to focus on school.

To be continued...