What if?

Sometimes I sit and wonder what it would be like to be a stay at home mom? To have the time to plan and fix a healthy dinner, to volunteer at some organization that could use my help, to volunteer at my kids’ school (!!), to be able to go on every field trip and not have to apologize, “I am sorry honey, I am supposed to be in Florida that week”. To be able to participate in all the car pools. To not have to tap friends for childcare and figure out who it is that I haven’t asked in awhile.

I mentioned this to AB the other day and he laughed at me. “You couldn’t stand it. It would drive you absolutely insane. And you wouldn’t have any miles and points to track. We wouldn’t have four free tickets to Hawaii because of all your miles.” 

I’m not sure he is right, I think I could do it. I think I could immerse myself in something - my kids’ middle school is brand new and having issues - maybe I would actually understand better what the issues are and have some role in defining the future. Maybe I would be one of those moms that I presently roll my eyes at who is always posting on the middle school’s Facebook page with inane little observations or problems? 

Work is busy, and complicated, and sometimes scary right now. There is a lot of pressure for big wins and successes in nuclear R&D right now. We are already very applied in our research, but now more than ever. Deliver what we need in the field. 

The other day one of my colleagues asked how I was doing with everything going on? She admitted to me that the current events in the world have her questioning her work. That some days she just wants to say, “don’t tell me” and walk off. I told her I got it. Some days I want to come home and tell my husband to start packing, we are moving to the mountains of Alaska where no one can find us! Ok, so some days I do say something similar this this and he tells me not to tempt him. 

Travel tomorrow. I was here last week, but not the week before. 

Sometimes I long for a simpler life. But when it comes down to it, I like traveling with my coworkers most of the time. I like feeling like I am making a difference. I like negotiating paths forward with clients, other labs, etc. I like strategizing who I need to talk to. And I get off on the fact that lately I am on the receiving end of this. “Nuclear Mom, I was hoping to chat with you a bit...” I like sitting in the car with a coworker who asks me if I would be willing to move to DC for a few years to support his program - even though I know (and he knows too) that I will still say no... right now. Right now, I tell him, let’s talk again in a year or two. 

History, it’s being made. And I dream that someday my grandkids will read about events and my kids will say, “your grandma worked on building that capability for the United States”. 

So for today, this week, I’ll keep on trucking. But if I disappear to the mountains, it’s because I want something simpler. 

The latest

I have had a number of occasions lately where I have started blog posts - sometimes written them in full - and then never hit "publish". I haven't quite figured out why.

Life has been good lately. Really good. Sometimes too good to be true? Some concern I guess that as soon as I post something, the tide will turn? People will think I am bragging? I will think I am bragging?

I am not sure what it is really. Maybe if I get a post out of my system I will be able to move on. Not sure, but let's see if I can actually convince myself to hit publish this time.

So life is good. Work is good. For the most part.

I am in that phase after a successful project whereby I am receiving awards for receiving awards. I have management eyeing me with scrutiny... can she maintain the momentum? What can we nitpick so that she knows she isn't top of the hill? And politics. Egads politics. All the while I am trying to "Lean In", but actually feeling thwarted a fair bit... and by people who should know better.

So let's get the awards out of the way. I received a lab director's award for the national awards we received for the Navy work. I joked that I hoped it wouldn't confuse too many people that my award hanging in my office looks exactly like the one of the new lab fellows. Ok done. One award out of the way.

Next award. I received a Young Alumni award from my graduate university for my work. I have been planning a blog that goes more into this and about my visit back to Reno. My view for the first time of the state of things from my advisor's (now chair) perspective. My view of Reno after having been gone for 11.5 years (yes, I miss it). My view of being a "one woman dog and pony show" for an evening (gag). So second one, done.

See that wasn't too hard.

Next topic... Students. So part of the reason I got the award from the university is probably that my program wasn't high end. They turn out a good product. But I have laughed at times about how I occasionally have the opportunity to write letters of recommendation to institutions that I would have never even considered actually applying to! Well I have a new one. I have been receiving inquiries from students graduating from prestigious schools looking for jobs.

I had an entire post written about this and how it was driving me crazy. Not that I was getting my fragile ego stroked, but about how badly these students were doing this. It was a bit horrifying and the vast majority of students I have concluded that there is a reason that they are scraping the bottom of the barrel (i.e., me) in looking for a job. And you know what? They aren't getting one from me either.

Next topic... Annual Review. Not surprisingly my first year after promotion I managed to "achieve expectations". I don't care about the C rating. I heard you "always" get to achieve expectations after promotion. What killed me was some of the things that were written and then as the nature goes with privacy, everything is so vague. How am I supposed to change or improve if I can't have specifics on which team feels that I am not managing them... but only to find out after poking, prodding and digging that it is the team where I AM NOT EVEN THE PROJECT MANAGER.

Yes, makes sense. Or how about the one where I am taking over the technical side and not sticking on my side of the PM fence? UMM I AM CO-PI OF THAT PROJECT.

Every year I get more and more of an impression what a load of crap the annual reviews are. It honestly becomes hard to take them very seriously when they seem first, incredibly subjective and second, very ill informed. 99.5% of the year I love my job and know that I am doing a good job. But then that other 0.5% of the year is there to knock you down.

This year I made the decision that it is time for a change.

To be continued...

Being a Northerner

That's me. I admit it. I have never really been to the South. Well I have been to Florida, but whenever I cite that destination as "having been to the South" I am told, "that isn't really the South".

Now I have really been to the South.

The South is somewhat like a different country to me. Yes, I lived in Wyoming for the first 12 years of my life - and I really am not casting stones from my own glass house because I know that Wyoming is often viewed as the "hicksville" of the north - just some observations and some humor that I have observed over the past few days in my travels to Eastern Tennessee

So Southerners - they talk funny. They make lots of words have a feminine gender by ending them in "a". At the program review they give us all a safety briefing prior to starting the conference. It took me a minute to realize that "far" was "fire" and I thought it was pretty cool that they offered the feminine gender to "tornado" by making it "tornada" - afterall the wrath of a tornado should really be associated with the feminine identity as hurricanes are.

Whenever I travel I try to get a flavor of the local culture. When in DC, I head to a new museum. In Florida, to the beach or a park.

So as to not disappoint my husband I looked on Yelp for the "best" reviewed BBQ restaurant. I got into my car and started following the map. And following the map. And suddenly I was in the forest where men were driving makes of cars I haven't seen in decades with no shirts on and no seatbelts. That's not very safe.

I came to the well reviewed restaurant... errr shed, I mean. I was a bit nervous, but saw that they had four smokers, a stack of hickory and the two 5 star Yelp reviews couldn't be wrong, could they?

Then I remembered I am a single woman, very obviously not from this area and when I saw the Closed sign I was suddenly a bit relieved and got back in the car and drove to the obviously chain BBQ restuarant just down the street from my hotel.

Tennessee is known for being friendly. So when I was standing in line and the woman next to me said, "hello there", I politely replied, "hello". She stood there smiling at me and I smiled back.

"Howr yer kiddies?" she asked me.

A little perplexed and wondering if this is Southern hospitality I replied, "they are fine" and went back to reading email on my iPhone and it dawned on me that she maybe wasn't just being friendly, that she probably thought I was someone else.

I got my food, noting to myself NOT to ask for tea after the fiasco of the conference lunch when they served me some weird brown combination of Kool-Aid and Iced Tea, and sat down. A family across from me sat eating and I was humored to note that the toddler? He had a wife beater! I didn't know they made wife beaters in size 3!?

I thought about snapping a picture of him on my phone and then thought better of it, not only as a parent and knowing I wouldn't want a stranger snapping a photo of my kids, but also a bit of fear in my head as his daddy was also wearing a wife beater and I was strangely suspecting that it was his uniform.

I did grin to myself when the boy complained about his "breeches".

My first morning there I was too lazy to find out where the nearest coffee shop was and just headed to the hotel restaurant and ordered oatmeal.

"Ye wan oat meal?" my waitress asked.

"Yes, one bowl of oatmeal," I said.

"We have da buffet with all yall can eat for $10.99?" she reminded me.

"Just the $3.50 oatmeal please," I said.

"Ok, I will see to dat," she said.

Seriously how long does it take to make oatmeal? I was getting little nervous about the time when she finally brought my bowl, well actually a large vat, of oatmeal with a side of maple syrup. I politely requested brown sugar and milk and quickly ate about 1/8 of my vat of cold oatmeal. I was determined to find a coffee shop the next day.

That however, is easier said than done. I got the heads up from other conference attendees that there is one Starbucks in the region and some vague directions on how to get there. Thank goodness for Smart Phones.

I was in the program review with about 15 of my colleagues from work and they all had stories to share too.

One of my expressive colleagues was looking forward to an evening at Walmart. Her plans were to sit there with her phone and snap pictures to post to "People of Walmart". She told me that last year she saw a woman actually take off her flip flop and start smacking her son.

I have a vegetarian colleague. Umm yeah. South and vegetarian do not mix. Poor girl. For every lunch they kindly brought her a big salad - even on the day when they made baked potatoes (and BBQ - but I was thrilled for the baked "tater") for us. When traveling I usually make a bit of effort to eat pescavegetarian because I have a sensitive stomach when traveling and my children and husband demand meat (fish/chicken/beef/pork) at most meals despite my efforts to push the mostly fish and vegetable diet on them. I didn't even try here. Anyways, my colleague told me she went to a restaurant for dinner and under "Vegetables" on the menu it listed "macaroni and cheese".

I have noted the prevalance of a number of chains that I haven't frequented, but have only heard about - Waffle Houses every few miles (or less - somewhat like the prevelance of Starbucks in my current home state), Cracker Barrels, Chik-Fil-A... I kind of wished I had a bit extra time to walk in and see what all the hoot was about. But that's ok.

Oh and golly. I am not sure I have heard the use of the word "golly" outside of old reruns of the Andy Griffith Show. But golly, they use it a lot here!

One of my good friends from work (and one of the smartest women I know) is from Alabama and so I do hear the Southern drawl on occasion, and another set of parents of one of my daughter's best friends is from Chattanooga, and their accent is perceptable. Even the program manager I know well who is from this area (and therefore knew the best pizza place for dinner last night) maintains a bit of a drawl and he is one of the smartest guys I know. But I realize how much they have lost their accents over years as I work to decipher what people were asking me or saying to me. I felt like they were looking at me like I must be the stupidest person around to not know what they were talking about. Nope, my ears just aren't accustomed to the foreign language.

It's been fun, but I am ready to wish a fond farewell to the area and get back up North.

Two weeks off!

The past few months have been a real whirlwind. I am sure that is just what happens when you have two careers and two busy kids. I have got a big long list of blog topics on my phone and I am hoping to get to those over the next two weeks as I enjoy my two weeks off. But right now? Just a general catch up is in order.

Let's see... the kids started gymnastics again. This second time around, a year later, is much better for Skadi. She is now in the big kids area and not the little kids area, which is really what she wanted all along. She is quite happy being a gymnast. And same as last time, I have put Leif in gymnastics as well because I would just rather not have him sit next to me with his nose in his DS for an hour every Monday night. Nope, he gets to be out there too. Last year he loved gymnastics, this year a little less so for some reason.

Both kids are in swimming. My Skadi fish has passed up again so that she and Leif are now in the same class. While this reflects great on her, I won't tell you how many years Leif has been in this level. Some day he is going to get it, right? One day it will all click and he will take off.

Leif loves first grade and is doing so well. He has a super teacher and we are just so proud of him.

This year we decided to all volunteer to be shepherds in our church's Living Nativity. Last year AB and Leif did it, while Skadi and I stayed home and held the fort down with many "girl's nights". This year we decided we would all give it a try. I figured that Skadi and I could always bail if it became too much for her (or me). Well that worked until the first rehearsal night when she was picked to be the little shepherd to kiss baby Jesus at each performance. And suddenly we are there and commited for every performance!

Me? Things are good. A lot of changes.

I had a rough year on my one big project dealing with a demanding client, in a difficult funding year, and a team that was ripping apart at the seams. I tried and tried to deal with the team issue and I knew exactly where it was stemming from. One person. One person who was sucking the project dry funding wise, constantly pushing scope in the wrong direction, being divisive among the team, and who, no matter what I tried, I could not trust and nor could most of my coworkers.

After a long year of trying to manage the situation both from the client's side as well as our side, the client made a phone call to my superiors and asked that the person be removed. A day later it was done. It was ugly. It remains ugly. But the project is seriously one of the happy places for all of us now. My team is just this happy little cohesive unit that smiles and jokes and delivers.

It makes me sad actually though. Sad because I always liked this person, until I worked closely with him for a few years. He gave me opportunities, career changing opportunities. And I will never forget that. But I will also keep in mind the actions of someone whose career was spiraling and the desperate accusations made towards me.

On the rare occasion I see him in the hallway he always looks right at me and pushes his glasses up with his middle finger like a junior high kid. And I smile. AB has uttered the words, "hostile work environment". But I am not like that. I can get past it. I can see why he is angry and hurt and seeing his reaction only makes me feel more sorry for him. This is how you deal with adversity? With your middle finger? Well, I am better than that.

We found out last week that we won an award for this project! A big award that involves a cross country trip to receive our award in May. Wheee!

My career has recently catapulted. I managed to pick up five additional projects to manage, one of those to PI, in late September. They have kept me busy. Too busy. Then one of my favored clients had a proposal call and because I was a delinquent in returning proposal ideas for consideration (too much other stuff on my plate and I truly just forgot), I was just handed one to write up. That works. My least favored, but flush with cash, client has issued a proposal call and I have found out that my name is being put on at least 3 proposals as manager. Then on Friday one of the PI's I started working with in October asked me to manage another $3M project he is pulling in.

Yes, I have problems saying no. But my ALD, who was once my boss, once complained to me during lunch one day, "I can't believe that he told me no, that he couldn't take that project. You never say no! You say yes and then you make it happen even if you aren't the one doing the work. Delegate." My next goal starting in January is to build a team of project managers. Ones I know and trust and who can adapt to my style (if needed) and who can help me with the nearly $8M worth of projects I am presently sitting on with hopes for another few mill on top of that for the coming year.

Given all this, you would think my management would call it a good year for me. Wrong. After two years of exceeding expectations, I have apparently faltered.

I call it that I am being punished for the above issue concerning my coworker. He is the "popular" one in my group.

I can't quite figure out how I can be an author on more papers, have more deliverables, be in higher demand, but have dropped a couple notches in my manager's perspectives. This whole review process has never made much sense to me.

I made a snap decision the other day. Actually it was a decision I have been mulling over for a year and have discussed with my mentor and a few other people in higher ranking positions. But after reading my review I made the snap decision to jump ship over to the manager ladder. After all, it is those requirements that I am meeting, not the scientist ones so much anymore. According to my mentor I am functioning two levels above the manager level I map to. Time to make that change and start receiving credit for my work.

So at the first of the year I become one of the pointy haired sorts.

The other change? Early this fall I made the decision to drop to less than full time. But... I take a lot of calls at home. I always have a surplus of hours (I haven't had to actually USE vacation time for anything until this two weeks off). And I have 3-4 trips coming up this spring, which becomes a sink for hours typically speaking.

When I made the change my management told me, "just make sure you are getting paid for the hours you are working".

I need to either turn off, or get paid for it. And it is hard, so very hard, to turn it off. Especially when I have big deliverables and procurements to approve and visiting scientists that I am hosting who need things. I will be working from home the rest of my hours and going back to full time starting in February.

So there it is. My work update. And bits of updates on my kids. More on them to come over the next few days!

She returns!

The peppy post-doc privy to pink. Add in her horrible tendency to wear pants that were way too small.

Yes, Miss Pink!

She left a year or so ago, but one of my manager friends has hired her permanently now for... yes, you guessed it... to work on my project! I don't actually get a say in who he hires since he isn't even in my directorate. But one of the lead scientists on my project is in his directorate and needs more hands. Hence pink post-doc is back - as a scientist.

Honestly I am thrilled. It is nice to have a "known" variable as I see my project exploding. And she is a smart one.

I commented to a coworker the other day that I was embarrassed to be thrilled to have her simply because of her ability to sit down, write out a reaction, push electrons and me tell what would happen. Yes, I am just jealous. I am not an organic chemist at all and was routinely stumped with reaction diagrams. Thankfully Schrodinger appealed to my senses a little better and my math skills kicked in giving me a future in chemistry.

Good blog fodder is on deck for January! Really, I do like her a lot...